Twilight Saga-Breaking Dawn(Pg1 - Pg299)

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PREFACE
I’d had more than my fair share of near-death experiences; it wasn’t something
you ever really got used to.
It seemed oddly inevitable, though, facing death again. Like I really was marked
for disaster. I’d escaped time and time again, but it kept coming back for me.
Still, this time was so different from the others.
You could run from someone you feared, you could try to fight someone you
hated. All my reactions were geared toward those kinds of killers—the monsters,
the enemies.
When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you no options. How could
you run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one? If your
life was all you had to give your beloved, how could you not give it?
If it was someone you truly loved?
7
1. ENGAGED
No one is staring at you, I promised myself. No one is staring at you. No one is
staring at you.
But, because I couldn’t lie convincingly even to myself, I had to check.
As I sat waiting for one of the three traffic lights in town to turn green, I peeked
to the right—in her minivan, Mrs. Weber had turned her whole torso in my
direction. Her eyes bored into mine, and I flinched back, wondering why she
didn’t drop her gaze or look ashamed. It was still considered rude to stare at
people, wasn’t it? Didn’t that apply to me anymore?
Then I remembered that these windows were so darkly tinted that she probably
had no idea if it was even me in here, let alone that I’d caught her looking. I tried
to take some comfort in the fact that she wasn’t really staring at me, just the car.
My car. Sigh.
I glanced to the left and groaned. Two pedestrians were frozen on the sidewalk,
missing their chance to cross as they stared. Behind them, Mr. Marshall was
gawking through the plate-glass window of his little souvenir shop. At least he
didn’t have his nose pressed up against the glass. Yet.
The light turned green and, in my hurry to escape, I stomped on the gas pedal
without thinking—the normal way I would have punched it to get my ancient
Chevy truck moving.
Engine snarling like a hunting panther, the car jolted forward so fast that my
body slammed into the black leather seat and my stomach flattened against my
spine.
“Arg!” I gasped as I fumbled for the brake. Keeping my head, I merely tapped the
pedal. The car lurched to an absolute standstill anyway.
I couldn’t bear to look around at the reaction. If there had been any doubt as to
who was driving this car before, it was gone now. With the toe of my shoe, I
gently nudged the gas pedal down one half millimeter, and the car shot forward
again.
I managed to reach my goal, the gas station. If I hadn’t been running on vapors, I
wouldn’t have come into town at all. I was going without a lot of things these
days, like Pop-Tarts and shoelaces, to avoid spending time in public.
Moving as if I were in a race, I got the hatch open, the cap off, the card scanned,
and the nozzle in the tank within seconds. Of course, there was nothing I could do
8
to make the numbers on the gauge pick up the pace. They ticked by sluggishly,
almost as if they were doing it just to annoy me.
It wasn’t bright out—a typical drizzly day in Forks, Washington—but I still felt
like a spotlight was trained on me, drawing attention to the delicate ring on my
left hand. At times like this, sensing the eyes on my back, it felt as if the ring were
pulsing like a neon sign: Look at me, look at me.
It was stupid to be so self-conscious, and I knew that. Besides my dad and mom,
did it really matter what people were saying about my engagement? About my
new car? About my mysterious acceptance into an Ivy League college? About the
shiny black credit card that felt red-hot in my back pocket right now?
“Yeah, who cares what they think,” I muttered under my breath.
“Um, miss?” a man’s voice called.
I turned, and then wished I hadn’t.
Two men stood beside a fancy SUV with brand-new kayaks tied to the top.
Neither of them was looking at me; they both were staring at the car.
Personally, I didn’t get it. But then, I was just proud I could distinguish between
the symbols for Toyota, Ford, and Chevy. This car was glossy black, sleek, and
pretty, but it was still just a car to me.
“I’m sorry to bother you, but could you tell me what kind of car you’re driving?”
the tall one asked.
“Um, a Mercedes, right?”
“Yes,” the man said politely while his shorter friend rolled his eyes at my answer.
“I know. But I was wondering, is that… are you driving a Mercedes Guardian?”
The man said the name with reverence. I had a feeling this guy would get along
well with Edward Cullen, my… my fiancé (there really was no getting around that
truth with the wedding just days away). “They aren’t supposed to be available in
Europe yet,” the man went on, “let alone here.”
While his eyes traced the contours of my car—it didn’t look much different from
any other Mercedes sedan to me, but what did I know?—I briefly contemplated
my issues with words like fiancé, wedding, husband, etc.
I just couldn’t put it together in my head.
On the one hand, I had been raised to cringe at the very thought of poofy white
dresses and bouquets. But more than that, I just couldn’t reconcile a staid,
respectable, dull concept like husband with my concept of Edward. It was like
9
casting an archangel as an accountant; I couldn’t visualize him in any
commonplace role.
Like always, as soon as I started thinking about Edward I was caught up in a dizzy
spin of fantasies. The stranger had to clear his throat to get my attention; he was
still waiting for an answer about the car’s make and model.
“I don’t know,” I told him honestly.
“Do you mind if I take a picture with it?”
It took me a second to process that. “Really? You want to take a picture with the
car?”
“Sure—nobody is going to believe me if I don’t get proof.”
“Um. Okay. Fine.”
I swiftly put away the nozzle and crept into the front seat to hide while the
enthusiast dug a huge professional-looking camera out of his backpack. He and
his friend took turns posing by the hood, and then they went to take pictures at
the back end.
“I miss my truck,” I whimpered to myself.
Very, very convenient—too convenient—that my truck would wheeze its last
wheeze just weeks after Edward and I had agreed to our lopsided compromise,
one detail of which was that he be allowed to replace my truck when it passed on.
Edward swore it was only to be expected; my truck had lived a long, full life and
then expired of natural causes. According to him. And, of course, I had no way to
verify his story or to try to raise my truck from the dead on my own. My favorite
mechanic—
I stopped that thought cold, refusing to let it come to a conclusion. Instead, I
listened to the men’s voices outside, muted by the car walls.
“. . . went at it with a flamethrower in the online video. Didn’t even pucker the
paint.”
“Of course not. You could roll a tank over this baby. Not much of a market for one
over here. Designed for Middle East diplomats, arms dealers, and drug lords
mostly.”
“Think she’s something?” the short one asked in a softer voice. I ducked my head,
cheeks flaming.
10
“Huh,” the tall one said. “Maybe. Can’t imagine what you’d need missile-proof
glass and four thousand pounds of body armor for around here. Must be headed
somewhere more hazardous.”
Body armor. Four thousand pounds of body armor. And missile-proof glass?
Nice. What had happened to good old-fashioned bulletproof?
Well, at least this made some sense—if you had a twisted sense of humor.
It wasn’t like I hadn’t expected Edward to take advantage of our deal, to weight it
on his side so that he could give so much more than he would receive. I’d agreed
that he could replace my truck when it needed replacing, not expecting that
moment to come quite so soon, of course. When I’d been forced to admit that the
truck had become no more than a still-life tribute to classic Chevys on my curb, I
knew his idea of a replacement was probably going to embarrass me. Make me
the focus of stares and whispers. I’d been right about that part. But even in my
darkest imaginings I had not foreseen that he would get me two cars.
The “before” car and the “after” car, he’d explained when I’d flipped out.
This was just the “before” car. He’d told me it was a loaner and promised that he
was returning it after the wedding. It all had made absolutely no sense to me.
Until now.
Ha ha. Because I was so fragilely human, so accident-prone, so much a victim to
my own dangerous bad luck, apparently I needed a tank-resistant car to keep me
safe. Hilarious. I was sure he and his brothers had enjoyed the joke quite a bit
behind my back.
Or maybe, just maybe, a small voice whispered in my head, it’s not a joke, silly.
Maybe he’s really that worried about you. This wouldn’t be the first time he’s
gone a little overboard trying to protect you.
I sighed.
I hadn’t seen the “after” car yet. It was hidden under a sheet in the deepest corner
of the Cullens’ garage. I knew most people would have peeked by now, but I really
didn’t want to know.
Probably no body armor on that car—because I wouldn’t need it after the
honeymoon. Virtual indestructibility was just one of the many perks I was
looking forward to. The best parts about being a Cullen were not expensive cars
and impressive credit cards.
“Hey,” the tall man called, cupping his hands to the glass in an effort to peer in.
“We’re done now. Thanks a lot!”
11
“You’re welcome,” I called back, and then tensed as I started the engine and eased
the pedal—ever so gently—down. . . .
No matter how many times I drove down the familiar road home, I still couldn’t
make the rain-faded flyers fade into the background. Each one of them, stapled to
telephone poles and taped to street signs, was like a fresh slap in the face. A welldeserved
slap in the face. My mind was sucked back into the thought I’d
interrupted so immediately before. I couldn’t avoid it on this road. Not with
pictures of my favorite mechanic flashing past me at regular intervals.
My best friend. My Jacob.
The HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY? posters were not Jacob’s father’s idea. It had been
my father, Charlie, who’d printed up the flyers and spread them all over town.
And not just Forks, but Port Angeles and Sequim and Hoquiam and Aberdeen
and every other town in the Olympic Peninsula. He’d made sure that all the police
stations in the state of Washington had the same flyer hanging on the wall, too.
His own station had a whole corkboard dedicated to finding Jacob. A corkboard
that was mostly empty, much to his disappointment and frustration.
My dad was disappointed with more than the lack of response. He was most
disappointed with Billy, Jacob’s father—and Charlie’s closest friend.
For Billy’s not being more involved with the search for his sixteen-year-old
“runaway.” For Billy’s refusing to put up the flyers in La Push, the reservation on
the coast that was Jacob’s home. For his seeming resigned to Jacob’s
disappearance, as if there was nothing he could do. For his saying, “Jacob’s
grown up now. He’ll come home if he wants to.”
And he was frustrated with me, for taking Billy’s side.
I wouldn’t put up posters, either. Because both Billy and I knew where Jacob was,
roughly speaking, and we also knew that no one had seen this boy.
The flyers put the usual big, fat lump in my throat, the usual stinging tears in my
eyes, and I was glad Edward was out hunting this Saturday. If Edward saw my
reaction, it would only make him feel terrible, too.
Of course, there were drawbacks to it being Saturday. As I turned slowly and
carefully onto my street, I could see my dad’s police cruiser in the driveway of our
home. He’d skipped fishing again today. Still sulking about the wedding.
So I wouldn’t be able to use the phone inside. But I had to call. . . .
I parked on the curb behind the Chevy sculpture and pulled the cell phone
Edward had given me for emergencies out of the glove compartment. I dialed,
keeping my finger on the “end” button as the phone rang. Just in case.
12
“Hello?” Seth Clearwater answered, and I sighed in relief. I was way too chicken
to speak to his older sister, Leah. The phrase “bite my head off” was not entirely a
figure of speech when it came to Leah.
“Hey, Seth, it’s Bella.”
“Oh, hiya, Bella! How are you?”
Choked up. Desperate for reassurance. “Fine.”
“Calling for an update?”
“You’re psychic.”
“Not hardly. I’m no Alice—you’re just predictable,” he joked. Among the Quileute
pack down at La Push, only Seth was comfortable even mentioning the Cullens by
name, let alone joking about things like my nearly omniscient sister-in-law-to-be.
“I know I am.” I hesitated for a minute. “How is he?”
Seth sighed. “Same as ever. He won’t talk, though we know he hears us. He’s
trying not to think human, you know. Just going with his instincts.”
“Do you know where he is now?”
“Somewhere in northern Canada. I can’t tell you which province. He doesn’t pay
much attention to state lines.”
“Any hint that he might . . .”
“He’s not coming home, Bella. Sorry.”
I swallowed. “S’okay, Seth. I knew before I asked. I just can’t help wishing.”
“Yeah. We all feel the same way.”
“Thanks for putting up with me, Seth. I know the others must give you a hard
time.”
“They’re not your hugest fans,” he agreed cheerfully. “Kind of lame, I think. Jacob
made his choices, you made yours. Jake doesn’t like their attitude about it.
’Course, he isn’t super thrilled that you’re checking up on him, either.”
I gasped. “I thought he wasn’t talking to you?”
“He can’t hide everything from us, hard as he’s trying.”
13
So Jacob knew I was worried. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. Well, at least he
knew I hadn’t skipped off into the sunset and forgotten him completely. He might
have imagined me capable of that.
“I guess I’ll see you at the… wedding,” I said, forcing the word out through my
teeth.
“Yeah, me and my mom will be there. It was cool of you to ask us.”
I smiled at the enthusiasm in his voice. Though inviting the Clearwaters had been
Edward’s idea, I was glad he’d thought of it. Having Seth there would be nice—a
link, however tenuous, to my missing best man. “It wouldn’t be the same without
you.”
“Tell Edward I said hi, ’kay?”
“Sure thing.”
I shook my head. The friendship that had sprung up between Edward and Seth
was something that still boggled my mind. It was proof, though, that things didn’t
have to be this way. That vampires and werewolves could get along just fine,
thank you very much, if they were of a mind to.
Not everybody liked this idea.
“Ah,” Seth said, his voice cracking up an octave. “Er, Leah’s home.”
“Oh! Bye!”
The phone went dead. I left it on the seat and prepared myself mentally to go
inside the house, where Charlie would be waiting.
My poor dad had so much to deal with right now. Jacob-the-runaway was just
one of the straws on his overburdened back. He was almost as worried about me,
his barely-a-legal-adult daughter who was about to become a Mrs. in just a few
days’ time.
I walked slowly through the light rain, remembering the night we’d told him. . . .
As the sound of Charlie’s cruiser announced his return, the ring suddenly
weighed a hundred pounds on my finger. I wanted to shove my left hand in a
pocket, or maybe sit on it, but Edward’s cool, firm grasp kept it front and center.
“Stop fidgeting, Bella. Please try to remember that you’re not confessing to a
murder here.”
“Easy for you to say.”
14
I listened to the ominous sound of my father’s boots clomping up the sidewalk.
The key rattled in the already open door. The sound reminded me of that part of
the horror movie when the victim realizes she’s forgotten to lock her deadbolt.
“Calm down, Bella,” Edward whispered, listening to the acceleration of my heart.
The door slammed against the wall, and I flinched like I’d been Tasered.
“Hey, Charlie,” Edward called, entirely relaxed.
“No!” I protested under my breath.
“What?” Edward whispered back.
“Wait till he hangs his gun up!”
Edward chuckled and ran his free hand through his tousled bronze hair.
Charlie came around the corner, still in his uniform, still armed, and tried not to
make a face when he spied us sitting together on the loveseat. Lately, he’d been
putting forth a lot of effort to like Edward more. Of course, this revelation was
sure to end that effort immediately.
“Hey, kids. What’s up?”
“We’d like to talk to you,” Edward said, so serene. “We have some good news.”
Charlie’s expression went from strained friendliness to black suspicion in a
second.
“Good news?” Charlie growled, looking straight at me.
“Have a seat, Dad.”
He raised one eyebrow, stared at me for five seconds, then stomped to the
recliner and sat down on the very edge, his back ramrod straight.
“Don’t get worked up, Dad,” I said after a moment of loaded silence.
“Everything’s okay.”
Edward grimaced, and I knew it was in objection to the word okay. He probably
would have used something more like wonderful or perfect or glorious.
“Sure it is, Bella, sure it is. If everything is so great, then why are you sweating
bullets?”
“I’m not sweating,” I lied.
15
I leaned away from his fierce scowl, cringing into Edward, and instinctively wiped
the back of my right hand across my forehead to remove the evidence.
“You’re pregnant!” Charlie exploded. “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”
Though the question was clearly meant for me, he was glaring at Edward now,
and I could have sworn I saw his hand twitch toward the gun.
“No! Of course I’m not!” I wanted to elbow Edward in the ribs, but I knew that
move would only give me a bruise. I’d told Edward that people would
immediately jump to this conclusion! What other possible reason would sane
people have for getting married at eighteen? (His answer then had made me roll
my eyes. Love. Right.)
Charlie’s glower lightened a shade. It was usually pretty clear on my face when I
was telling the truth, and he believed me now. “Oh. Sorry.”
“Apology accepted.”
There was a long pause. After a moment, I realized everyone was waiting for me
to say something. I looked up at Edward, panic-stricken. There was no way I was
going to get the words out.
He smiled at me and then squared his shoulders and turned to my father.
“Charlie, I realize that I’ve gone about this out of order. Traditionally, I should
have asked you first. I mean no disrespect, but since Bella has already said yes
and I don’t want to diminish her choice in the matter, instead of asking you for
her hand, I’m asking you for your blessing. We’re getting married, Charlie. I love
her more than anything in the world, more than my own life, and—by some
miracle—she loves me that way, too. Will you give us your blessing?”
He sounded so sure, so calm. For just an instant, listening to the absolute
confidence in his voice, I experienced a rare moment of insight. I could see,
fleetingly, the way the world looked to him. For the length of one heartbeat, this
news made perfect sense.
And then I caught sight of the expression on Charlie’s face, his eyes now locked
on the ring.
I held my breath while his skin changed colors—fair to red, red to purple, purple
to blue. I started to get up—I’m not sure what I planned to do; maybe use the
Heimlich maneuver to make sure he wasn’t choking—but Edward squeezed my
hand and murmured “Give him a minute” so low that only I could hear.
The silence was much longer this time. Then, gradually, shade by shade, Charlie’s
color returned to normal. His lips pursed, and his eyebrows furrowed; I
16
recognized his “deep in thought” expression. He studied the two of us for a long
moment, and I felt Edward relax at my side.
“Guess I’m not that surprised,” Charlie grumbled. “Knew I’d have to deal with
something like this soon enough.”
I exhaled.
“You sure about this?” Charlie demanded, glaring at me.
“I’m one hundred percent sure about Edward,” I told him without missing a beat.
“Getting married, though? What’s the rush?” He eyed me suspiciously again.
The rush was due to the fact that I was getting closer to nineteen every stinking
day, while Edward stayed frozen in all his seventeen-year-old perfection, as he
had for over ninety years. Not that this fact necessitated marriage in my book,
but the wedding was required due to the delicate and tangled compromise
Edward and I had made to finally get to this point, the brink of my
transformation from mortal to immortal.
These weren’t things I could explain to Charlie.
“We’re going away to Dartmouth together in the fall, Charlie,” Edward reminded
him. “I’d like to do that, well, the right way. It’s how I was raised.” He shrugged.
He wasn’t exaggerating; they’d been big on old-fashioned morals during World
War I.
Charlie’s mouth twisted to the side. Looking for an angle to argue from. But what
could he say? I’d prefer you live in sin first? He was a dad; his hands were tied.
“Knew this was coming,” he muttered to himself, frowning. Then, suddenly, his
face went perfectly smooth and blank.
“Dad?” I asked anxiously. I glanced at Edward, but I couldn’t read his face, either,
as he watched Charlie.
“Ha!” Charlie exploded. I jumped in my seat. “Ha, ha, ha!”
I stared incredulously as Charlie doubled over in laughter; his whole body shook
with it.
I looked at Edward for a translation, but Edward had his lips pressed tightly
together, like he was trying to hold back laughter himself.
17
“Okay, fine,” Charlie choked out. “Get married.” Another roll of laughter shook
through him. “But . . .”
“But what?” I demanded.
“But you have to tell your mom! I’m not saying one word to Renée! That’s all
yours!” He busted into loud guffaws.
I paused with my hand on the doorknob, smiling. Sure, at the time, Charlie’s
words had terrified me. The ultimate doom: telling Renée. Early marriage was
higher up on her blacklist than boiling live puppies.
Who could have foreseen her response? Not me. Certainly not Charlie. Maybe
Alice, but I hadn’t thought to ask her.
“Well, Bella,” Renée had said after I’d choked and stuttered out the impossible
words: Mom, I’m marrying Edward. “I’m a little miffed that you waited so long
to tell me. Plane tickets only get more expensive. Oooh,” she’d fretted. “Do you
think Phil’s cast will be off by then? It will spoil the pictures if he’s not in a tux—”
“Back up a second, Mom.” I’d gasped. “What do you mean, waited so long? I just
got en-en . . .”—I’d been unable to force out the word engaged—“things settled,
you know, today.”
“Today? Really? That is a surprise. I assumed . . .”
“What did you assume? When did you assume?”
“Well, when you came to visit me in April, it looked like things were pretty much
sewn up, if you know what I mean. You’re not very hard to read, sweetie. But I
didn’t say anything because I knew it wouldn’t do any good. You’re exactly like
Charlie.” She’d sighed, resigned. “Once you make up your mind, there is no
reasoning with you. Of course, exactly like Charlie, you stick by your decisions,
too.”
And then she’d said the last thing that I’d ever expected to hear from my mother.
“You’re not making my mistakes, Bella. You sound like you’re scared silly, and
I’m guessing it’s because you’re afraid of me.” She’d giggled. “Of what I’m going
to think. And I know I’ve said a lot of things about marriage and stupidity—and
I’m not taking them back—but you need to realize that those things specifically
applied to me. You’re a completely different person than I am. You make your
own kinds of mistakes, and I’m sure you’ll have your share of regrets in life. But
commitment was never your problem, sweetie. You have a better chance of
making this work than most forty-year-olds I know.” Renée had laughed again.
“My little middle-aged child. Luckily, you seem to have found another old soul.”
18
“You’re not… mad? You don’t think I’m making a humongous mistake?”
“Well, sure, I wish you’d wait a few more years. I mean, do I look old enough to
be a mother-in-law to you? Don’t answer that. But this isn’t about me. This is
about you. Are you happy?”
“I don’t know. I’m having an out-of-body experience right now.”
Renée had chuckled. “Does he make you happy, Bella?”
“Yes, but—”
“Are you ever going to want anyone else?”
“No, but—”
“But what?”
“But aren’t you going to say that I sound exactly like every other infatuated
teenager since the dawn of time?”
“You’ve never been a teenager, sweetie. You know what’s best for you.”
For the last few weeks, Renée had unexpectedly immersed herself in wedding
plans. She’d spent hours every day on the phone with Edward’s mother, Esme—
no worries about the in-laws getting along. Renée adored Esme, but then, I
doubted anyone could help responding that way to my lovable almost-mother-inlaw.
It let me right off the hook. Edward’s family and my family were taking care of
the nuptials together without my having to do or know or think too hard about
any of it.
Charlie was furious, of course, but the sweet part was that he wasn’t furious at
me. Renée was the traitor. He’d counted on her to play the heavy. What could he
do now, when his ultimate threat—telling Mom—had turned out to be utterly
empty? He had nothing, and he knew it. So he moped around the house,
muttering things about not being able to trust anyone in this world. . . .
“Dad?” I called as I pushed open the front door. “I’m home.”
“Hold on, Bells, stay right there.”
“Huh?” I asked, pausing automatically.
“Gimme a second. Ouch, you got me, Alice.”
19
Alice?
“Sorry, Charlie,” Alice’s trilling voice responded. “How’s that?”
“I’m bleeding on it.”
“You’re fine. Didn’t break the skin—trust me.”
“What’s going on?” I demanded, hesitating in the doorway.
“Thirty seconds, please, Bella,” Alice told me. “Your patience will be rewarded.”
“Humph,” Charlie added.
I tapped my foot, counting each beat. Before I got to thirty, Alice said, “Okay,
Bella, come in!”
Moving with caution, I rounded the little corner into our living room.
“Oh,” I huffed. “Aw. Dad. Don’t you look—”
“Silly?” Charlie interrupted.
“I was thinking more like debonair.”
Charlie blushed. Alice took his elbow and tugged him around into a slow spin to
showcase the pale gray tux.
“Now cut that out, Alice. I look like an idiot.”
“No one dressed by me ever looks like an idiot.”
“She’s right, Dad. You look fabulous! What’s the occasion?”
Alice rolled her eyes. “It’s the final check on the fit. For both of you.”
I peeled my gaze off the unusually elegant Charlie for the first time and saw the
dreaded white garment bag laid carefully across the sofa.
“Aaah.”
“Go to your happy place, Bella. It won’t take long.”
I sucked in a deep breath and closed my eyes. Keeping them shut, I stumbled my
way up the stairs to my room. I stripped down to my underwear and held my
arms straight out.
20
“You’d think I was shoving bamboo splinters under your nails,” Alice muttered to
herself as she followed me in.
I paid no attention to her. I was in my happy place.
In my happy place, the whole wedding mess was over and done. Behind me.
Already repressed and forgotten.
We were alone, just Edward and me. The setting was fuzzy and constantly in
flux—it morphed from misty forest to cloud-covered city to arctic night—because
Edward was keeping the location of our honeymoon a secret to surprise me. But I
wasn’t especially concerned about the where part.
Edward and I were together, and I’d fulfilled my side of our compromise
perfectly. I’d married him. That was the big one. But I’d also accepted all his
outrageous gifts and was registered, however futilely, to attend Dartmouth
College in the fall. Now it was his turn.
Before he turned me into a vampire—his big compromise—he had one other
stipulation to make good on.
Edward had an obsessive sort of concern over the human things that I would be
giving up, the experiences he didn’t want me to miss. Most of them—like the
prom, for example—seemed silly to me. There was only one human experience I
worried about missing. Of course it would be the one he wished I would forget
completely.
Here was the thing, though. I knew a little about what I was going to be like when
I wasn’t human anymore. I’d seen newborn vampires firsthand, and I’d heard all
my family-to-be’s stories about those wild early days. For several years, my
biggest personality trait was going to be thirsty. It would take some time before I
could be me again. And even when I was in control of myself, I would never feel
exactly the way I felt now.
Human… and passionately in love.
I wanted the complete experience before I traded in my warm, breakable,
pheromone-riddled body for something beautiful, strong… and unknown. I
wanted a real honeymoon with Edward. And, despite the danger he feared this
would put me in, he’d agreed to try.
I was only vaguely aware of Alice and the slip and slide of satin over my skin. I
didn’t care, for the moment, that the whole town was talking about me. I didn’t
think about the spectacle I would have to star in much too soon. I didn’t worry
about tripping on my train or giggling at the wrong moment or being too young
or the staring audience or even the empty seat where my best friend should be.
21
I was with Edward in my happy place.
22
2. LONG NIGHT
“I miss you already.”
“I don’t need to leave. I can stay. . . .”
“Mmm.”
It was quiet for a long moment, just the thud of my heart hammering, the broken
rhythm of our ragged breathing, and the whisper of our lips moving in
synchronization.
Sometimes it was so easy to forget that I was kissing a vampire. Not because he
seemed ordinary or human—I could never for a second forget that I was holding
someone more angel than man in my arms—but because he made it seem like
nothing at all to have his lips against my lips, my face, my throat. He claimed he
was long past the temptation my blood used to be for him, that the idea of losing
me had cured him of any desire for it. But I knew the smell of my blood still
caused him pain—still burned his throat like he was inhaling flames.
I opened my eyes and found his open, too, staring at my face. It made no sense
when he looked at me that way. Like I was the prize rather than the outrageously
lucky winner.
Our gazes locked for a moment; his golden eyes were so deep that I imagined I
could see all the way into his soul. It seemed silly that this fact—the existence of
his soul—had ever been in question, even if he was a vampire. He had the most
beautiful soul, more beautiful than his brilliant mind or his incomparable face or
his glorious body.
He looked back at me as if he could see my soul, too, and as if he liked what he
saw.
He couldn’t see into my mind, though, the way he saw into everyone else’s. Who
knew why—some strange glitch in my brain that made it immune to all the
extraordinary and frightening things some immortals could do. (Only my mind
was immune; my body was still subject to vampires with abilities that worked in
ways other than Edward’s.) But I was seriously grateful to whatever malfunction
it was that kept my thoughts a secret. It was just too embarrassing to consider the
alternative.
I pulled his face to mine again.
“Definitely staying,” he murmured a moment later.
“No, no. It’s your bachelor party. You have to go.”
23
I said the words, but the fingers of my right hand locked into his bronze hair, my
left pressed tighter against the small of his back. His cool hands stroked my face.
“Bachelor parties are designed for those who are sad to see the passing of their
single days. I couldn’t be more eager to have mine behind me. So there’s really no
point.”
“True.” I breathed against the winter-cold skin of his throat.
This was pretty close to my happy place. Charlie slept obliviously in his room,
which was almost as good as being alone. We were curled up on my small bed,
intertwined as much as it was possible, considering the thick afghan I was
swathed in like a cocoon. I hated the necessity of the blanket, but it sort of ruined
the romance when my teeth started chattering. Charlie would notice if I turned
the heat on in August. . . .
At least, if I had to be bundled up, Edward’s shirt was on the floor. I never got
over the shock of how perfect his body was—white, cool, and polished as marble.
I ran my hand down his stone chest now, tracing across the flat planes of his
stomach, just marveling. A light shudder rippled through him, and his mouth
found mine again. Carefully, I let the tip of my tongue press against his glasssmooth
lip, and he sighed. His sweet breath washed—cold and delicious—over my
face.
He started to pull away—that was his automatic response whenever he decided
things had gone too far, his reflex reaction whenever he most wanted to keep
going. Edward had spent most of his life rejecting any kind of physical
gratification. I knew it was terrifying to him trying to change those habits now.
“Wait,” I said, gripping his shoulders and hugging myself close to him. I kicked
one leg free and wrapped it around his waist. “Practice makes perfect.”
He chuckled. “Well, we should be fairly close to perfection by this point, then,
shouldn’t we? Have you slept at all in the last month?”
“But this is the dress rehearsal,” I reminded him, “and we’ve only practiced
certain scenes. It’s no time for playing safe.”
I thought he would laugh, but he didn’t answer, and his body was motionless with
sudden stress. The gold in his eyes seemed to harden from a liquid to a solid.
I thought over my words, realized what he would have heard in them.
“Bella…,” he whispered.
“Don’t start this again,” I said. “A deal’s a deal.”
24
“I don’t know. It’s too hard to concentrate when you’re with me like this. I—I
can’t think straight. I won’t be able to control myself. You’ll get hurt.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Bella . . .”
“Shh!” I pressed my lips to his to stop his panic attack. I’d heard it before. He
wasn’t getting out of this deal. Not after insisting I marry him first.
He kissed me back for a moment, but I could tell he wasn’t as into it as before.
Worrying, always worrying. How different it would be when he didn’t need to
worry about me anymore. What would he do with all his free time? He’d have to
get a new hobby.
“How are your feet?” he asked.
Knowing he didn’t mean that literally, I answered, “Toasty warm.”
“Really? No second thoughts? It’s not too late to change your mind.”
“Are you trying to ditch me?”
He chuckled. “Just making sure. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not sure
about.”
“I’m sure about you. The rest I can live through.”
He hesitated, and I wondered if I’d put my foot in my mouth again.
“Can you?” he asked quietly. “I don’t mean the wedding—which I am positive you
will survive despite your qualms—but afterward… what about Renée, what about
Charlie?”
I sighed. “I’ll miss them.” Worse, that they would miss me, but I didn’t want to
give him any fuel.
“Angela and Ben and Jessica and Mike.”
“I’ll miss my friends, too.” I smiled in the darkness. “Especially Mike. Oh, Mike!
How will I go on?”
He growled.
I laughed but then was serious. “Edward, we’ve been through this and through
this. I know it will be hard, but this is what I want. I want you, and I want you
forever. One lifetime is simply not enough for me.”
25
“Frozen forever at eighteen,” he whispered.
“Every woman’s dream come true,” I teased.
“Never changing… never moving forward.”
“What does that mean?”
He answered slowly. “Do you remember when we told Charlie we were getting
married? And he thought you were… pregnant?”
“And he thought about shooting you,” I guessed with a laugh. “Admit it—for one
second, he honestly considered it.”
He didn’t answer.
“What, Edward?”
“I just wish… well, I wish that he’d been right.”
“Gah,” I gasped.
“More that there was some way he could have been. That we had that kind of
potential. I hate taking that away from you, too.”
It took me a minute. “I know what I’m doing.”
“How could you know that, Bella? Look at my mother, look at my sister. It’s not
as easy a sacrifice as you imagine.”
“Esme and Rosalie get by just fine. If it’s a problem later, we can do what Esme
did—we’ll adopt.”
He sighed, and then his voice was fierce. “It’s not right! I don’t want you to have
to make sacrifices for me. I want to give you things, not take things away from
you. I don’t want to steal your future. If I were human—”
I put my hand over his lips. “You are my future. Now stop. No moping, or I’m
calling your brothers to come and get you. Maybe you need a bachelor party.”
“I’m sorry. I am moping, aren’t I? Must be the nerves.”
“Are your feet cold?”
“Not in that sense. I’ve been waiting a century to marry you, Miss Swan. The
wedding ceremony is the one thing I can’t wait—” He broke off mid-thought. “Oh,
for the love of all that’s holy!”
26
“What’s wrong?”
He gritted his teeth. “You don’t have to call my brothers. Apparently Emmett and
Jasper are not going to let me bow out tonight.”
I clutched him closer for one second and then released him. I didn’t have a prayer
of winning a tug-of-war with Emmett. “Have fun.”
There was a squeal against the window—someone deliberately scraping their steel
nails across the glass to make a horrible, cover-your-ears, goose-bumps-downyour-
spine noise. I shuddered.
“If you don’t send Edward out,” Emmett—still invisible in the night—hissed
menacingly, “we’re coming in after him!”
“Go,” I laughed. “Before they break my house.”
Edward rolled his eyes, but he got to his feet in one fluid movement and had his
shirt back on in another. He leaned down and kissed my forehead.
“Get to sleep. You’ve got a big day tomorrow.”
“Thanks! That’s sure to help me wind down.”
“I’ll meet you at the altar.”
“I’ll be the one in white.” I smiled at how perfectly blasé I sounded.
He chuckled, said, “Very convincing,” and then suddenly sank into a crouch, his
muscles coiled like a spring. He vanished—launching himself out my window too
swiftly for my eyes to follow.
Outside, there was a muted thud, and I heard Emmett curse.
“You’d better not make him late,” I murmured, knowing they could hear.
And then Jasper’s face was peering in my window, his honey hair silver in the
weak moonlight that worked through the clouds.
“Don’t worry, Bella. We’ll get him home in plenty of time.”
I was suddenly very calm, and my qualms all seemed unimportant. Jasper was, in
his own way, just as talented as Alice with her uncannily accurate predictions.
Jasper’s medium was moods rather than the future, and it was impossible to
resist feeling the way he wanted you to feel.
27
I sat up awkwardly, still tangled in my blanket. “Jasper? What do vampires do for
bachelor parties? You’re not taking him to a strip club, are you?”
“Don’t tell her anything!” Emmett growled from below. There was another thud,
and Edward laughed quietly.
“Relax,” Jasper told me—and I did. “We Cullens have our own version. Just a few
mountain lions, a couple of grizzly bears. Pretty much an ordinary night out.”
I wondered if I would ever be able to sound so cavalier about the “vegetarian”
vampire diet.
“Thanks, Jasper.”
He winked and dropped from sight.
It was completely silent outside. Charlie’s muffled snores droned through the
walls.
I lay back against my pillow, sleepy now. I stared at the walls of my little room,
bleached pale in the moonlight, from under heavy lids.
My last night in my room. My last night as Isabella Swan. Tomorrow night, I
would be Bella Cullen. Though the whole marriage ordeal was a thorn in my side,
I had to admit that I liked the sound of that.
I let my mind wander idly for a moment, expecting sleep to take me. But, after a
few minutes, I found myself more alert, anxiety creeping back into my stomach,
twisting it into uncomfortable positions. The bed seemed too soft, too warm
without Edward in it. Jasper was far away, and all the peaceful, relaxed feelings
were gone with him.
It was going to be a very long day tomorrow.
I was aware that most of my fears were stupid—I just had to get over myself.
Attention was an inevitable part of life. I couldn’t always blend in with the
scenery. However, I did have a few specific worries that were completely valid.
First there was the wedding dress’s train. Alice clearly had let her artistic sense
overpower practicalities on that one. Maneuvering the Cullens’ staircase in heels
and a train sounded impossible. I should have practiced.
Then there was the guest list.
Tanya’s family, the Denali clan, would be arriving sometime before the ceremony.
28
It would be touchy to have Tanya’s family in the same room with our guests from
the Quileute reservation, Jacob’s father and the Clearwaters. The Denalis were no
fans of the werewolves. In fact, Tanya’s sister Irina was not coming to the
wedding at all. She still nursed a vendetta against the werewolves for killing her
friend Laurent (just as he was about to kill me). Thanks to that grudge, the
Denalis had abandoned Edward’s family in their worst hour of need. It had been
the unlikely alliance with the Quileute wolves that had saved all our lives when
the horde of newborn vampires had attacked. . . .
Edward had promised me it wouldn’t be dangerous to have the Denalis near the
Quileutes. Tanya and all her family—besides Irina—felt horribly guilty for that
defection. A truce with the werewolves was a small price to make up some of that
debt, a price they were prepared to pay.
That was the big problem, but there was a small problem, too: my fragile selfesteem.
I’d never seen Tanya before, but I was sure that meeting her wouldn’t be a
pleasant experience for my ego. Once upon a time, before I was born probably,
she’d made her play for Edward—not that I blamed her or anyone else for
wanting him. Still, she would be beautiful at the very least and magnificent at
best. Though Edward clearly—if inconceivably—preferred me, I wouldn’t be able
to help making comparisons.
I had grumbled a little until Edward, who knew my weaknesses, made me feel
guilty.
“We’re the closest thing they have to family, Bella,” he’d reminded me. “They still
feel like orphans, you know, even after all this time.”
So I’d conceded, hiding my frown.
Tanya had a big family now, almost as big as the Cullens. There were five of them;
Tanya, Kate, and Irina had been joined by Carmen and Eleazar much the same
way the Cullens had been joined by Alice and Jasper, all of them bonded by their
desire to live more compassionately than normal vampires did.
For all the company, though, Tanya and her sisters were still alone in one way.
Still in mourning. Because a very long time ago, they’d had a mother, too.
I could imagine the hole that loss would leave, even after a thousand years; I tried
to visualize the Cullen family without their creator, their center, and their guide—
their father, Carlisle. I couldn’t see it.
Carlisle had explained Tanya’s history during one of the many nights I’d stayed
late at the Cullens’ home, learning as much as I could, preparing as much as was
possible for the future I’d chosen. Tanya’s mother’s story was one among many, a
29
cautionary tale illustrating just one of the rules I would need to be aware of when
I joined the immortal world. Only one rule, actually—one law that broke down
into a thousand different facets: Keep the secret.
Keeping the secret meant a lot of things—living inconspicuously like the Cullens,
moving on before humans could suspect they weren’t aging. Or keeping clear of
humans altogether—except at mealtime—the way nomads like James and
Victoria had lived; the way Jasper’s friends, Peter and Charlotte, still lived. It
meant keeping control of whatever new vampires you created, like Jasper had
done when he’d lived with Maria. Like Victoria had failed to do with her
newborns.
And it meant not creating some things in the first place, because some creations
were uncontrollable.
“I don’t know Tanya’s mother’s name,” Carlisle had admitted, his golden eyes,
almost the exact shade of his fair hair, sad with remembering Tanya’s pain. “They
never speak of her if they can avoid it, never think of her willingly.
“The woman who created Tanya, Kate, and Irina—who loved them, I believe—
lived many years before I was born, during a time of plague in our world, the
plague of the immortal children.
“What they were thinking, those ancient ones, I can’t begin to understand. They
created vampires out of humans who were barely more than infants.”
I’d had to swallow back the bile that rose in my throat as I’d pictured what he was
describing.
“They were very beautiful,” Carlisle had explained quickly, seeing my reaction.
“So endearing, so enchanting, you can’t imagine. You had but to be near them to
love them; it was an automatic thing.
“However, they could not be taught. They were frozen at whatever level of
development they’d achieved before being bitten. Adorable two-year-olds with
dimples and lisps that could destroy half a village in one of their tantrums. If they
hungered, they fed, and no words of warning could restrain them. Humans saw
them, stories circulated, fear spread like fire in dry brush. . . .
“Tanya’s mother created such a child. As with the other ancients, I cannot fathom
her reasons.” He’d taken a deep, steadying breath. “The Volturi became involved,
of course.”
I’d flinched as I always did at that name, but of course the legion of Italian
vampires—royalty in their own estimation—was central to this story. There
couldn’t be a law if there was no punishment; there couldn’t be a punishment if
there was no one to deliver it. The ancients Aro, Caius, and Marcus ruled the
30
Volturi forces; I’d only met them once, but in that brief encounter, it seemed to
me that Aro, with his powerful mind-reading gift—one touch, and he knew every
thought a mind had ever held—was the true leader.
“The Volturi studied the immortal children, at home in Volterra and all around
the world. Caius decided the young ones were incapable of protecting our secret.
And so they had to be destroyed.
“I told you they were loveable. Well, covens fought to the last man—were utterly
decimated—to protect them. The carnage was not as widespread as the southern
wars on this continent, but more devastating in its own way. Long-established
covens, old traditions, friends… Much was lost. In the end, the practice was
completely eliminated. The immortal children became unmentionable, a taboo.
“When I lived with the Volturi, I met two immortal children, so I know firsthand
the appeal they had. Aro studied the little ones for many years after the
catastrophe they’d caused was over. You know his inquisitive disposition; he was
hopeful that they could be tamed. But in the end, the decision was unanimous:
the immortal children could not be allowed to exist.”
I’d all but forgotten the Denali sisters’ mother when the story returned to her.
“It is unclear precisely what happened with Tanya’s mother,” Carlisle had said.
“Tanya, Kate, and Irina were entirely oblivious until the day the Volturi came for
them, their mother and her illegal creation already their prisoners. It was
ignorance that saved Tanya’s and her sisters’ lives. Aro touched them and saw
their total innocence, so they were not punished with their mother.
“None of them had ever seen the boy before, or dreamed of his existence, until
the day they watched him burn in their mother’s arms. I can only guess that their
mother had kept her secret to protect them from this exact outcome. But why had
she created him in the first place? Who was he, and what had he meant to her
that would cause her to cross this most uncrossable of lines? Tanya and the
others never received an answer to any of these questions. But they could not
doubt their mother’s guilt, and I don’t think they’ve ever truly forgiven her.
“Even with Aro’s perfect assurance that Tanya, Kate, and Irina were innocent,
Caius wanted them to burn. Guilty by association. They were lucky that Aro felt
like being merciful that day. Tanya and her sisters were pardoned, but left with
unhealing hearts and a very healthy respect for the law. . . .”
I’m not sure where exactly the memory turned into a dream. One moment it
seemed that I was listening to Carlisle in my memory, looking at his face, and
then a moment later I was looking at a gray, barren field and smelling the thick
scent of burning incense in the air. I was not alone there.
31
The huddle of figures in the center of the field, all shrouded in ashy cloaks, should
have terrified me—they could only be Volturi, and I was, against what they’d
decreed at our last meeting, still human. But I knew, as I sometimes did in
dreams, that I was invisible to them.
Scattered all around me were smoking heaps. I recognized the sweetness in the
air and did not examine the mounds too closely. I had no desire to see the faces of
the vampires they had executed, half afraid that I might recognize someone in the
smoldering pyres.
The Volturi soldiers stood in a circle around something or someone, and I heard
their whispery voices raised in agitation. I edged closer to the cloaks, compelled
by the dream to see whatever thing or person they were examining with such
intensity. Creeping carefully between two of the tall hissing shrouds, I finally saw
the object of their debate, raised up on a little hillock above them.
He was beautiful, adorable, just as Carlisle had described. The boy was a toddler
still, maybe two years of age. Light brown curls framed his cherubic face with its
round cheeks and full lips. And he was trembling, his eyes closed as if he was too
frightened to watch death coming closer every second.
I was struck with such a powerful need to save the lovely, terrified child that the
Volturi, despite all their devastating menace, no longer mattered to me. I shoved
past them, not caring if they realized my presence. Breaking free of them
altogether, I sprinted toward the boy.
Only to stagger to a halt as I got a clear view of the hillock that he sat upon. It was
not earth and rock, but a pile of human bodies, drained and lifeless. Too late not
to see these faces. I knew them all—Angela, Ben, Jessica, Mike.… And directly
beneath the adorable boy were the bodies of my father and my mother.
The child opened his bright, bloodred eyes.
32
3. BIG DAY
My own eyes flew open.
I lay shivering and gasping in my warm bed for several minutes, trying to break
free of the dream. The sky outside my window turned gray and then pale pink
while I waited for my heart to slow.
When I was fully back to the reality of my messy, familiar room, I was a little
annoyed with myself. What a dream to have the night before my wedding! That’s
what I got for obsessing over disturbing stories in the middle of the night.
Eager to shake off the nightmare, I got dressed and headed down to the kitchen
long before I needed to. First I cleaned the already tidy rooms, and then when
Charlie was up I made him pancakes. I was much too keyed up to have any
interest in eating breakfast myself—I sat bouncing in my seat while he ate.
“You’re picking up Mr. Weber at three o’clock,” I reminded him.
“I don’t have that much to do today besides bring the minister, Bells. I’m not
likely to forget my only job.” Charlie had taken the entire day off for the wedding,
and he was definitely at loose ends. Now and then, his eyes flickered furtively to
the closet under the stairs, where he kept his fishing gear.
“That’s not your only job. You also have to be dressed and presentable.”
He scowled into his cereal bowl and muttered the words “monkey suit” under his
breath.
There was a brisk tapping on the front door.
“You think you have it bad,” I said, grimacing as I rose. “Alice will be working on
me all day long.”
Charlie nodded thoughtfully, conceding that he did have the lesser ordeal. I
ducked in to kiss the top of his head as I passed—he blushed and harrumphed—
and then continued on to get the door for my best girlfriend and soon-to-be
sister.
Alice’s short black hair was not in its usual spiky do—it was smoothed into sleek
pin curls around her pixie face, which wore a contrastingly businesslike
expression. She dragged me from the house with barely a “Hey, Charlie” called
over her shoulder.
Alice appraised me as I got into her Porsche.
33
“Oh, hell, look at your eyes!” She tsked in reproach. “What did you do? Stay up all
night?”
“Almost.”
She glowered. “I’ve only allotted so much time to make you stunning, Bella—you
might have taken better care of my raw material.”
“No one expects me to be stunning. I think the bigger problem is that I might fall
asleep during the ceremony and not be able to say ‘I do’ at the right part, and
then Edward will make his escape.”
She laughed. “I’ll throw my bouquet at you when it gets close.”
“Thanks.”
“At least you’ll have plenty of time to sleep on the plane tomorrow.”
I raised one eyebrow. Tomorrow, I mused. If we were heading out tonight after
the reception, and we would still be on a plane tomorrow… well, we weren’t going
to Boise, Idaho. Edward hadn’t dropped a single hint. I wasn’t too stressed about
the mystery, but it was strange not knowing where I would be sleeping tomorrow
night. Or hopefully not sleeping . . .
Alice realized that she’d given something away, and she frowned.
“You’re all packed and ready,” she said to distract me.
It worked. “Alice, I wish you would let me pack my own things!”
“It would have given too much away.”
“And denied you an opportunity to shop.”
“You’ll be my sister officially in ten short hours… it’s about time to get over this
aversion to new clothes.”
I glowered groggily out the windshield until we were almost to the house.
“Is he back yet?” I asked.
“Don’t worry, he’ll be there before the music starts. But you don’t get to see him,
no matter when he gets back. We’re doing this the traditional way.”
I snorted. “Traditional!”
“Okay, aside from the bride and groom.”
34
“You know he’s already peeked.”
“Oh no—that’s why I’m the only one who’s seen you in the dress. I’ve been very
careful to not think about it when he’s around.”
“Well,” I said as we turned into the drive, “I see you got to reuse your graduation
decorations.” Three miles of drive were once again wrapped in hundreds of
thousands of twinkle lights. This time, she’d added white satin bows.
“Waste not, want not. Enjoy this, because you don’t get to see the inside
decorations until it’s time.” She pulled into the cavernous garage north of the
main house; Emmett’s big Jeep was still gone.
“Since when is the bride not allowed to see the decorations?” I protested.
“Since she put me in charge. I want you to get the full impact coming down the
stairs.”
She clapped her hand over my eyes before she let me inside the kitchen. I was
immediately assailed by the scent.
“What is that?” I wondered as she guided me into the house.
“Is it too much?” Alice’s voice was abruptly worried. “You’re the first human in
here; I hope I got it right.”
“It smells wonderful!” I assured her—almost intoxicating, but not at all
overwhelming, the balance of the different fragrances was subtle and flawless.
“Orange blossoms… lilac… and something else—am I right?”
“Very good, Bella. You only missed the freesia and the roses.”
She didn’t uncover my eyes until we were in her oversized bathroom. I stared at
the long counter, covered in all the paraphernalia of a beauty salon, and began to
feel my sleepless night.
“Is this really necessary? I’m going to look plain next to him no matter what.”
She pushed me down into a low pink chair. “No one will dare to call you plain
when I’m through with you.”
“Only because they’re afraid you’ll suck their blood,” I muttered. I leaned back in
the chair and closed my eyes, hoping I’d be able to nap through it. I did drift in
and out a little bit while she masked, buffed, and polished every surface of my
body.
35
It was after lunchtime when Rosalie glided past the bathroom door in a shimmery
silver gown with her golden hair piled up in a soft crown on top of her head. She
was so beautiful it made me want to cry. What was even the point of dressing up
with Rosalie around?
“They’re back,” Rosalie said, and immediately my childish fit of despair passed.
Edward was home.
“Keep him out of here!”
“He won’t cross you today,” Rosalie reassured her. “He values his life too much.
Esme’s got them finishing things up out back. Do you want some help? I could do
her hair.”
My jaw fell open. I floundered around in my head, trying to remember how to
close it.
I had never been Rosalie’s favorite person in the world. Then, making things even
more strained between us, she was personally offended by the choice I was
making now. Though she had her impossible beauty, her loving family, and her
soul mate in Emmett, she would have traded it all to be human. And here I was,
callously throwing away everything she wanted in life like it was garbage. It didn’t
exactly warm her to me.
“Sure,” Alice said easily. “You can start braiding. I want it intricate. The veil goes
here, underneath.” Her hands started combing through my hair, hefting it,
twisting it, illustrating in detail what she wanted. When she was done, Rosalie’s
hands replaced hers, shaping my hair with a feather-light touch. Alice moved
back to my face.
Once Rosalie received Alice’s commendation on my hair, she was sent off to
retrieve my dress and then to locate Jasper, who had been dispatched to pick up
my mother and her husband, Phil, from their hotel. Downstairs, I could faintly
hear the door opening and closing over and over. Voices began to float up to us.
Alice made me stand so that she could ease the dress over my hair and makeup.
My knees shook so badly as she fastened the long line of pearl buttons up my
back that the satin quivered in little wavelets down to the floor.
“Deep breaths, Bella,” Alice said. “And try to lower your heart rate. You’re going
to sweat off your new face.”
I gave her the best sarcastic expression I could manage. “I’ll get right on that.”
“I have to get dressed now. Can you hold yourself together for two minutes?”
“Um… maybe?”
36
She rolled her eyes and darted out the door.
I concentrated on my breathing, counting each movement of my lungs, and
stared at the patterns that the bathroom light made on the shiny fabric of my
skirt. I was afraid to look in the mirror—afraid the image of myself in the wedding
dress would send me over the edge into a full-scale panic attack.
Alice was back before I had taken two hundred breaths, in a dress that flowed
down her slender body like a silvery waterfall.
“Alice—wow.”
“It’s nothing. No one will be looking at me today. Not while you’re in the room.”
“Har har.”
“Now, are you in control of yourself, or do I have to bring Jasper up here?”
“They’re back? Is my mom here?”
“She just walked in the door. She’s on her way up.”
Renée had flown in two days ago, and I’d spent every minute I could with her—
every minute that I could pry her away from Esme and the decorations, in other
words. As far as I could tell, she was having more fun with this than a kid locked
inside Disneyland overnight. In a way, I felt almost as cheated as Charlie. All that
wasted terror over her reaction . . .
“Oh, Bella!” she squealed now, gushing before she was all the way through the
door. “Oh, honey, you’re so beautiful! Oh, I’m going to cry! Alice, you’re amazing!
You and Esme should go into business as wedding planners. Where did you find
this dress? It’s gorgeous! So graceful, so elegant. Bella, you look like you just
stepped out of an Austen movie.” My mother’s voice sounded a little distance
away, and everything in the room was slightly blurry. “Such a creative idea,
designing the theme around Bella’s ring. So romantic! To think it’s been in
Edward’s family since the eighteen hundreds!”
Alice and I exchanged a brief conspiratorial look. My mom was off on the dress
style by more than a hundred years. The wedding wasn’t actually centered around
the ring, but around Edward himself.
There was a loud, gruff throat-clearing in the doorway.
“Renée, Esme said it’s time you got settled down there,” Charlie said.
“Well, Charlie, don’t you look dashing!” Renée said in a tone that was almost
shocked. That might have explained the crustiness of Charlie’s answer.
37
“Alice got to me.”
“Is it really time already?” Renée said to herself, sounding almost as nervous as I
felt. “This has all gone so fast. I feel dizzy.”
That made two of us.
“Give me a hug before I go down,” Renée insisted. “Carefully now, don’t tear
anything.”
My mother squeezed me gently around the waist, then wheeled for the door, only
to complete the spin and face me again.
“Oh goodness, I almost forgot! Charlie, where’s the box?”
My dad rummaged in his pockets for a minute and then produced a small white
box, which he handed to Renée. Renée lifted the lid and held it out to me.
“Something blue,” she said.
“Something old, too. They were your Grandma Swan’s,” Charlie added. “We had a
jeweler replace the paste stones with sapphires.”
Inside the box were two heavy silver hair combs. Dark blue sapphires were
clustered into intricate floral shapes atop the teeth.
My throat got all thick. “Mom, Dad… you shouldn’t have.”
“Alice wouldn’t let us do anything else,” Renée said. “Every time we tried, she all
but ripped our throats out.”
A hysterical giggle burst through my lips.
Alice stepped up and quickly slid both combs into my hair under the edge of the
thick braids. “That’s something old and something blue,” Alice mused, taking a
few steps back to admire me. “And your dress is new… so here—”
She flicked something at me. I held my hands out automatically, and the filmy
white garter landed in my palms.
“That’s mine and I want it back,” Alice told me.
I blushed.
“There,” Alice said with satisfaction. “A little color—that’s all you needed. You are
officially perfect.” With a little self-congratulatory smile, she turned to my
parents. “Renée, you need to get downstairs.”
38
“Yes, ma’am.” Renée blew me a kiss and hurried out the door.
“Charlie, would you grab the flowers, please?”
While Charlie was out of the room, Alice hooked the garter out of my hands and
then ducked under my skirt. I gasped and tottered as her cold hand caught my
ankle; she yanked the garter into place.
She was back on her feet before Charlie returned with the two frothy white
bouquets. The scent of roses and orange blossom and freesia enveloped me in a
soft mist.
Rosalie—the best musician in the family next to Edward—began playing the
piano downstairs. Pachelbel’s Canon. I began hyperventilating.
“Easy, Bells,” Charlie said. He turned to Alice nervously. “She looks a little sick.
Do you think she’s going to make it?”
His voice sounded far away. I couldn’t feel my legs.
“She’d better.”
Alice stood right in front of me, on her tiptoes to better stare me in the eye, and
gripped my wrists in her hard hands.
“Focus, Bella. Edward is waiting for you down there.”
I took a deep breath, willing myself into composure.
The music slowly morphed into a new song. Charlie nudged me. “Bells, we’re up
to bat.”
“Bella?” Alice asked, still holding my gaze.
“Yes,” I squeaked. “Edward. Okay.” I let her pull me from the room, with Charlie
tagging along at my elbow.
The music was louder in the hall. It floated up the stairs along with the fragrance
of a million flowers. I concentrated on the idea of Edward waiting below to get my
feet to shuffle forward.
The music was familiar, Wagner’s traditional march surrounded by a flood of
embellishments.
“It’s my turn,” Alice chimed. “Count to five and follow me.” She began a slow,
graceful dance down the staircase. I should have realized that having Alice as my
39
only bridesmaid was a mistake. I would look that much more uncoordinated
coming behind her.
A sudden fanfare trilled through the soaring music. I recognized my cue.
“Don’t let me fall, Dad,” I whispered. Charlie pulled my hand through his arm
and then grasped it tightly.
One step at a time, I told myself as we began to descend to the slow tempo of the
march. I didn’t lift my eyes until my feet were safely on the flat ground, though I
could hear the murmurs and rustling of the audience as I came into view. Blood
flooded my cheeks at the sound; of course I could be counted on to be the
blushing bride.
As soon as my feet were past the treacherous stairs, I was looking for him. For a
brief second, I was distracted by the profusion of white blossoms that hung in
garlands from everything in the room that wasn’t alive, dripping with long lines
of white gossamer ribbons. But I tore my eyes from the bowery canopy and
searched across the rows of satin-draped chairs—blushing more deeply as I took
in the crowd of faces all focused on me—until I found him at last, standing before
an arch overflowing with more flowers, more gossamer.
I was barely conscious that Carlisle stood by his side, and Angela’s father behind
them both. I didn’t see my mother where she must have been sitting in the front
row, or my new family, or any of the guests—they would have to wait till later.
All I really saw was Edward’s face; it filled my vision and overwhelmed my mind.
His eyes were a buttery, burning gold; his perfect face was almost severe with the
depth of his emotion. And then, as he met my awed gaze, he broke into a
breathtaking smile of exultation.
Suddenly, it was only the pressure of Charlie’s hand on mine that kept me from
sprinting headlong down the aisle.
The march was too slow as I struggled to pace my steps to its rhythm. Mercifully,
the aisle was very short. And then, at last, at last, I was there. Edward held out his
hand. Charlie took my hand and, in a symbol as old as the world, placed it in
Edward’s. I touched the cool miracle of his skin, and I was home.
Our vows were the simple, traditional words that had been spoken a million
times, though never by a couple quite like us. We’d asked Mr. Weber to make
only one small change. He obligingly traded the line “till death do us part” for the
more appropriate “as long as we both shall live.”
In that moment, as the minister said his part, my world, which had been upside
down for so long now, seemed to settle into its proper position. I saw just how
silly I’d been for fearing this—as if it were an unwanted birthday gift or an
40
embarrassing exhibition, like the prom. I looked into Edward’s shining,
triumphant eyes and knew that I was winning, too. Because nothing else
mattered but that I could stay with him.
I didn’t realize I was crying until it was time to say the binding words.
“I do,” I managed to choke out in a nearly unintelligible whisper, blinking my
eyes clear so I could see his face.
When it was his turn to speak, the words rang clear and victorious.
“I do,” he vowed.
Mr. Weber declared us husband and wife, and then Edward’s hands reached up
to cradle my face, carefully, as if it were as delicate as the white petals swaying
above our heads. I tried to comprehend, through the film of tears blinding me,
the surreal fact that this amazing person was mine. His golden eyes looked as if
they would have tears, too, if such a thing were not impossible. He bent his head
toward mine, and I stretched up on the tips of my toes, throwing my arms—
bouquet and all—around his neck.
He kissed me tenderly, adoringly; I forgot the crowd, the place, the time, the
reason… only remembering that he loved me, that he wanted me, that I was his.
He began the kiss, and he had to end it; I clung to him, ignoring the titters and
the throat-clearing in the audience. Finally, his hands restrained my face and he
pulled back—too soon—to look at me. On the surface his sudden smile was
amused, almost a smirk. But underneath his momentary entertainment at my
public exhibition was a deep joy that echoed my own.
The crowd erupted into applause, and he turned our bodies to face our friends
and family. I couldn’t look away from his face to see them.
My mother’s arms were the first to find me, her tear-streaked face the first thing I
saw when I finally tore my eyes unwillingly from Edward. And then I was handed
through the crowd, passed from embrace to embrace, only vaguely aware of who
held me, my attention centered on Edward’s hand clutched tightly in my own. I
did recognize the difference between the soft, warm hugs of my human friends
and the gentle, cool embraces of my new family.
One scorching hug stood out from all the others—Seth Clearwater had braved the
throng of vampires to stand in for my lost werewolf friend.
41
4. GESTURE
The wedding flowed into the reception party smoothly—proof of Alice’s flawless
planning. It was just twilight over the river; the ceremony had lasted exactly the
right amount of time, allowing the sun to set behind the trees. The lights in the
trees glimmered as Edward led me through the glass back doors, making the
white flowers glow. There were another ten thousand flowers out here, serving as
a fragrant, airy tent over the dance floor set up on the grass under two of the
ancient cedars.
Things slowed down, relaxed as the mellow August evening surrounded us. The
little crowd spread out under the soft shine of the twinkle lights, and we were
greeted again by the friends we’d just embraced. There was time to talk now, to
laugh.
“Congrats, guys,” Seth Clearwater told us, ducking his head under the edge of a
flower garland. His mother, Sue, was tight by his side, eyeing the guests with
wary intensity. Her face was thin and fierce, an expression that was accented by
her short, severe hairstyle; it was as short as her daughter Leah’s—I wondered if
she’d cut it the same way in a show of solidarity. Billy Black, on Seth’s other side,
was not as tense as Sue.
When I looked at Jacob’s father, I always felt like I was seeing two people rather
than just one. There was the old man in the wheelchair with the lined face and the
white smile that everyone else saw. And then there was the direct descendant of a
long line of powerful, magical chieftains, cloaked in the authority he’d been born
with. Though the magic had—in the absence of a catalyst—skipped his
generation, Billy was still a part of the power and the legend. It flowed straight
through him. It flowed to his son, the heir to the magic, who had turned his back
on it. That left Sam Uley to act as the chief of legends and magic now. . . .
Billy seemed oddly at ease considering the company and the event—his black eyes
sparkled like he’d just gotten some good news. I was impressed by his
composure. This wedding must have seemed a very bad thing, the worst thing
that could happen to his best friend’s daughter, in Billy’s eyes.
I knew it wasn’t easy for him to restrain his feelings, considering the challenge
this event foreshadowed to the ancient treaty between the Cullens and the
Quileutes—the treaty that prohibited the Cullens from ever creating another
vampire. The wolves knew a breach was coming, but the Cullens had no idea how
they would react. Before the alliance, it would have meant an immediate attack. A
war. But now that they knew each other better, would there be forgiveness
instead?
As if in response to that thought, Seth leaned toward Edward, arms extended.
Edward returned the hug with his free arm.
42
I saw Sue shudder delicately.
“It’s good to see things work out for you, man,” Seth said. “I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you, Seth. That means a lot to me.” Edward pulled away from Seth and
looked at Sue and Billy. “Thank you, as well. For letting Seth come. For
supporting Bella today.”
“You’re welcome,” Billy said in his deep, gravelly voice, and I was surprised at the
optimism in his tone. Perhaps a stronger truce was on the horizon.
A bit of a line was forming, so Seth waved goodbye and wheeled Billy toward the
food. Sue kept one hand on each of them.
Angela and Ben were the next to claim us, followed by Angela’s parents and then
Mike and Jessica—who were, to my surprise, holding hands. I hadn’t heard that
they were together again. That was nice.
Behind my human friends were my new cousins-in-law, the Denali vampire clan.
I realized I was holding my breath as the vampire in front—Tanya, I assumed
from the strawberry tint in her blond curls—reached out to embrace Edward.
Next to her, three other vampires with golden eyes stared at me with open
curiosity. One woman had long, pale blond hair, straight as corn silk. The other
woman and the man beside her were both black-haired, with a hint of an olive
tone to their chalky complexions.
And they were all four so beautiful that it made my stomach hurt.
Tanya was still holding Edward.
“Ah, Edward,” she said. “I’ve missed you.”
Edward chuckled and deftly maneuvered out of the hug, placing his hand lightly
on her shoulder and stepping back, as if to get a better look at her. “It’s been too
long, Tanya. You look well.”
“So do you.”
“Let me introduce you to my wife.” It was the first time Edward had said that
word since it was officially true; he seemed like he would explode with
satisfaction saying it now. The Denalis all laughed lightly in response. “Tanya,
this is my Bella.”
Tanya was every bit as lovely as my worst nightmares had predicted. She eyed me
with a look that was much more speculative than it was resigned, and then
reached out to take my hand.
43
“Welcome to the family, Bella.” She smiled, a little rueful. “We consider ourselves
Carlisle’s extended family, and I am sorry about the, er, recent incident when we
did not behave as such. We should have met you sooner. Can you forgive us?”
“Of course,” I said breathlessly. “It’s so nice to meet you.”
“The Cullens are all evened up in numbers now. Perhaps it will be our turn next,
eh, Kate?” She grinned at the blonde.
“Keep the dream alive,” Kate said with a roll of her golden eyes. She took my
hand from Tanya’s and squeezed it gently. “Welcome, Bella.”
The dark-haired woman put her hand on top of Kate’s. “I’m Carmen, this is
Eleazar. We’re all so very pleased to finally meet you.”
“M-me, too,” I stuttered.
Tanya glanced at the people waiting behind her—Charlie’s deputy, Mark, and his
wife. Their eyes were huge as they took in the Denali clan.
“We’ll get to know each other later. We’ll have eons of time for that!” Tanya
laughed as she and her family moved on.
All the standard traditions were kept. I was blinded by flashbulbs as we held the
knife over a spectacular cake—too grand, I thought, for our relatively intimate
group of friends and family. We took turns shoving cake in each other’s faces;
Edward manfully swallowed his portion as I watched in disbelief. I threw my
bouquet with atypical skill, right into Angela’s surprised hands. Emmett and
Jasper howled with laughter at my blush while Edward removed my borrowed
garter—which I’d shimmied down nearly to my ankle—very carefully with his
teeth. With a quick wink at me, he shot it straight into Mike Newton’s face.
And when the music started, Edward pulled me into his arms for the customary
first dance; I went willingly, despite my fear of dancing—especially dancing in
front of an audience—just happy to have him holding me. He did all the work,
and I twirled effortlessly under the glow of a canopy of lights and the bright
flashes from the cameras.
“Enjoying the party, Mrs. Cullen?” he whispered in my ear.
I laughed. “That will take a while to get used to.”
“We have a while,” he reminded me, his voice exultant, and he leaned down to
kiss me while we danced. Cameras clicked feverishly.
The music changed, and Charlie tapped on Edward’s shoulder.
44
It wasn’t nearly as easy to dance with Charlie. He was no better at it than I was, so
we moved safely from side to side in a tiny square formation. Edward and Esme
spun around us like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
“I’m going to miss you at home, Bella. I’m already lonely.”
I spoke through a tight throat, trying to make a joke of it. “I feel just horrible,
leaving you to cook for yourself—it’s practically criminal negligence. You could
arrest me.”
He grinned. “I suppose I’ll survive the food. Just call me whenever you can.”
“I promise.”
It seemed like I danced with everyone. It was good to see all my old friends, but I
really wanted to be with Edward more than anything else. I was happy when he
finally cut in, just half a minute after a new dance started.
“Still not that fond of Mike, eh?” I commented as Edward whirled me away from
him.
“Not when I have to listen to his thoughts. He’s lucky I didn’t kick him out. Or
worse.”
“Yeah, right.”
“Have you had a chance to look at yourself?”
“Um. No, I guess not. Why?”
“Then I suppose you don’t realize how utterly, heart-breakingly beautiful you are
tonight. I’m not surprised Mike’s having difficulty with improper thoughts about
a married woman. I am disappointed that Alice didn’t make sure you were forced
to look in a mirror.”
“You are very biased, you know.”
He sighed and then paused and turned me around to face the house. The wall of
glass reflected the party back like a long mirror. Edward pointed to the couple in
the mirror directly across from us.
“Biased, am I?”
I caught just a glimpse of Edward’s reflection—a perfect duplicate of his perfect
face—with a dark-haired beauty at his side. Her skin was cream and roses, her
eyes were huge with excitement and framed with thick lashes. The narrow sheath
of the shimmering white dress flared out subtly at the train almost like an
45
inverted calla lily, cut so skillfully that her body looked elegant and graceful—
while it was motionless, at least.
Before I could blink and make the beauty turn back into me, Edward suddenly
stiffened and turned automatically in the other direction, as if someone had
called his name.
“Oh!” he said. His brow furrowed for an instant and then smoothed out just as
quickly.
Suddenly, he was smiling a brilliant smile.
“What is it?” I asked.
“A surprise wedding gift.”
“Huh?”
He didn’t answer; he just started dancing again, spinning me the opposite way
we’d been headed before, away from the lights and then into the deep swath of
night that ringed the luminous dance floor.
He didn’t pause until we reached the dark side of one of the huge cedars. Then
Edward looked straight into the blackest shadow.
“Thank you,” Edward said to the darkness. “This is very… kind of you.”
“Kind is my middle name,” a husky familiar voice answered from the black night.
“Can I cut in?”
My hand flew up to my throat, and if Edward hadn’t been holding me I would
have collapsed.
“Jacob!” I choked as soon as I could breathe. “Jacob!”
“Hey there, Bells.”
I stumbled toward the sound of his voice. Edward kept his grip under my elbow
until another set of strong hands caught me in the darkness. The heat from
Jacob’s skin burned right through the thin satin dress as he pulled me close. He
made no effort to dance; he just hugged me while I buried my face in his chest.
He leaned down to press his cheek to the top of my head.
“Rosalie won’t forgive me if she doesn’t get her official turn on the dance floor,”
Edward murmured, and I knew he was leaving us, giving me a gift of his own—
this moment with Jacob.
46
“Oh, Jacob.” I was crying now; I couldn’t get the words out clearly. “Thank you.”
“Stop blubbering, Bella. You’ll ruin your dress. It’s just me.”
“Just? Oh, Jake! Everything is perfect now.”
He snorted. “Yeah—the party can start. The best man finally made it.”
“Now everyone I love is here.”
I felt his lips brush my hair. “Sorry I’m late, honey.”
“I’m just so happy you came!”
“That was the idea.”
I glanced toward the guests, but I couldn’t see through the dancers to the spot
where I’d last seen Jacob’s father. I didn’t know if he’d stayed. “Does Billy know
you’re here?” As soon as I asked, I knew that he must have—it was the only way to
explain his uplifted expression before.
“I’m sure Sam’s told him. I’ll go see him when… when the party’s over.”
“He’ll be so glad you’re home.”
Jacob pulled back a little bit and straightened up. He left one hand on the small
of my back and grabbed my right hand with the other. He cradled our hands to
his chest; I could feel his heart beat under my palm, and I guessed that he hadn’t
placed my hand there accidentally.
“I don’t know if I get more than just this one dance,” he said, and he began
pulling me around in a slow circle that didn’t match the tempo of the music
coming from behind us. “I’d better make the best of it.”
We moved to the rhythm of his heart under my hand.
“I’m glad I came,” Jacob said quietly after a moment. “I didn’t think I would be.
But it’s good to see you… one more time. Not as sad as I’d thought it would be.”
“I don’t want you to feel sad.”
“I know that. And I didn’t come tonight to make you feel guilty.”
“No—it makes me very happy that you came. It’s the best gift you could have
given me.”
He laughed. “That’s good, because I didn’t have time to stop for a real present.”
47
My eyes were adjusting, and I could see his face now, higher up than I expected.
Was it possible that he was still growing? He had to be closer to seven feet than to
six. It was a relief to see his familiar features again after all this time—his deepset
eyes shadowed under his shaggy black brows, his high cheekbones, his full
lips stretched over his bright teeth in the sarcastic smile that matched his tone.
His eyes were tight around the edges—careful; I could see that he was being very
careful tonight. He was doing all he could to make me happy, to not slip and show
how much this cost him.
I’d never done anything good enough to deserve a friend like Jacob.
“When did you decide to come back?”
“Consciously or subconsciously?” He took a deep breath before he answered his
own question. “I don’t really know. I guess I’ve been wandering back this
direction for a while, and maybe it’s because I was headed here. But it wasn’t
until this morning that I really started running. I didn’t know if I could make it.”
He laughed. “You wouldn’t believe how weird this feels—walking around on two
legs again. And clothes! And then it’s more bizarre because it feels weird. I didn’t
expect that. I’m out of practice with the whole human thing.”
We revolved steadily.
“It would have been a shame to miss seeing you like this, though. That’s worth
the trip right there. You look unbelievable, Bella. So beautiful.”
“Alice invested a lot of time in me today. The dark helps, too.”
“It’s not so dark for me, you know.”
“Right.” Werewolf senses. It was easy to forget all the things he could do, he
seemed so human. Especially right now.
“You cut your hair,” I noted.
“Yeah. Easier, you know. Thought I’d better take advantage of the hands.”
“It looks good,” I lied.
He snorted. “Right. I did it myself, with rusty kitchen shears.” He grinned widely
for a moment, and then his smile faded. His expression turned serious. “Are you
happy, Bella?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.” I felt his shoulders shrug. “That’s the main thing, I guess.”
48
“How are you, Jacob? Really?”
“I’m fine, Bella, really. You don’t need to worry about me anymore. You can stop
bugging Seth.”
“I’m not just bugging him because of you. I like Seth.”
“He’s a good kid. Better company than some. I tell you, if I could get rid of the
voices in my head, being a wolf would be about perfect.”
I laughed at the way it sounded. “Yeah, I can’t get mine to shut up, either.”
“In your case, that would mean you’re insane. Of course, I already knew that you
were insane,” he teased.
“Thanks.”
“Insanity is probably easier than sharing a pack mind. Crazy people’s voices don’t
send babysitters to watch them.”
“Huh?”
“Sam’s out there. And some of the others. Just in case, you know.”
“In case of what?”
“In case I can’t keep it together, something like that. In case I decide to trash the
party.” He flashed a quick smile at what was probably an appealing thought to
him. “But I’m not here to ruin your wedding, Bella. I’m here to . . .” He trailed off.
“To make it perfect.”
“That’s a tall order.”
“Good thing you’re so tall.”
He groaned at my bad joke and then sighed. “I’m just here to be your friend. Your
best friend, one last time.”
“Sam should give you more credit.”
“Well, maybe I’m being oversensitive. Maybe they’d be here anyway, to keep an
eye on Seth. There are a lot of vampires here. Seth doesn’t take that as seriously
as he should.”
“Seth knows that he’s not in any danger. He understands the Cullens better than
Sam does.”
49
“Sure, sure,” Jacob said, making peace before it could turn into a fight.
It was strange to have him being the diplomat.
“Sorry about those voices,” I said. “Wish I could make it better.” In so many ways.
“It’s not that bad. I’m just whining a little.”
“You’re… happy?”
“Close enough. But enough about me. You’re the star today.” He chuckled. “I bet
you’re just loving that. Center of attention.”
“Yeah. Can’t get enough attention.”
He laughed and then stared over my head. With pursed lips, he studied the
shimmering glow of the reception party, the graceful whirl of the dancers, the
fluttering petals falling from the garlands; I looked with him. It all seemed very
distant from this black, quiet space. Almost like watching the white flurries
swirling inside a snow globe.
“I’ll give them this much,” he said. “They know how to throw a party.”
“Alice is an unstoppable force of nature.”
He sighed. “Song’s over. Do you think I get another one? Or is that asking too
much?”
I tightened my hand around his. “You can have as many dances as you want.”
He laughed. “That would be interesting. I think I’d better stick with two, though.
Don’t want to start talk.”
We turned in another circle.
“You’d think I’d be used to telling you goodbye by now,” he murmured.
I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, but I couldn’t force it down.
Jacob looked at me and frowned. He wiped his fingers across my cheek, catching
the tears there.
“You’re not supposed to be the one crying, Bella.”
“Everyone cries at weddings,” I said thickly.
“This is what you want, right?”
50
“Right.”
“Then smile.”
I tried. He laughed at my grimace.
“I’m going to try to remember you like this. Pretend that . . .”
“That what? That I died?”
He clenched his teeth. He was struggling with himself—with his decision to make
his presence here a gift and not a judgment. I could guess what he wanted to say.
“No,” he finally answered. “But I’ll see you this way in my head. Pink cheeks.
Heartbeat. Two left feet. All of that.”
I deliberately stomped on his foot as hard as I could.
He smiled. “That’s my girl.”
He started to say something else and then snapped his mouth closed. Struggling
again, teeth gritted against the words he didn’t want to say.
My relationship with Jacob used to be so easy. Natural as breathing. But since
Edward had come back into my life, it was a constant strain. Because—in Jacob’s
eyes—by choosing Edward, I was choosing a fate that was worse than death, or at
least equivalent to it.
“What is it, Jake? Just tell me. You can tell me anything.”
“I—I… I don’t have anything to tell you.”
“Oh please. Spit it out.”
“It’s true. It’s not… it’s—it’s a question. It’s something I want you to tell me.”
“Ask me.”
He struggled for another minute and then exhaled. “I shouldn’t. It doesn’t matter.
I’m just morbidly curious.”
Because I knew him so well, I understood.
“It’s not tonight, Jacob,” I whispered.
Jacob was even more obsessed with my humanity than Edward. He treasured
every one of my heartbeats, knowing that they were numbered.
51
“Oh,” he said, trying to smother his relief. “Oh.”
A new song started playing, but he didn’t notice the change this time.
“When?” he whispered.
“I don’t know for sure. A week or two, maybe.”
His voice changed, took on a defensive, mocking edge. “What’s the holdup?”
“I just didn’t want to spend my honeymoon writhing in pain.”
“You’d rather spend it how? Playing checkers? Ha ha.”
“Very funny.”
“Kidding, Bells. But, honestly, I don’t see the point. You can’t have a real
honeymoon with your vampire, so why go through the motions? Call a spade a
spade. This isn’t the first time you’ve put this off. That’s a good thing, though,” he
said, suddenly earnest. “Don’t be embarrassed about it.”
“I’m not putting anything off,” I snapped. “And yes I can have a real honeymoon!
I can do anything I want! Butt out!”
He stopped our slow circling abruptly. For a moment, I wondered if he’d finally
noticed the music change, and I scrambled in my head for a way to patch up our
little tiff before he said goodbye to me. We shouldn’t part on this note.
And then his eyes bulged wide with a strange kind of confused horror.
“What?” he gasped. “What did you say?”
“About what… ? Jake? What’s wrong?”
“What do you mean? Have a real honeymoon? While you’re still human? Are you
kidding? That’s a sick joke, Bella!”
I glared at him. “I said butt out, Jake. This is so not your business. I shouldn’t
have… we shouldn’t even be talking about this. It’s private—”
His enormous hands gripped the tops of my arms, wrapping all the way around,
fingers overlapping.
“Ow, Jake! Let go!”
He shook me.
52
“Bella! Have you lost your mind? You can’t be that stupid! Tell me you’re joking!”
He shook me again. His hands, tight as tourniquets, were quivering, sending
vibrations deep into my bones.
“Jake—stop!”
The darkness was suddenly very crowded.
“Take your hands off her!” Edward’s voice was cold as ice, sharp as razors.
Behind Jacob, there was a low snarl from the black night, and then another,
overlapping the first.
“Jake, bro, back away,” I heard Seth Clearwater urge. “You’re losing it.”
Jacob seemed frozen as he was, his horrified eyes wide and staring.
“You’ll hurt her,” Seth whispered. “Let her go.”
“Now!” Edward snarled.
Jacob’s hands dropped to his sides, and the sudden gush of blood through my
waiting veins was almost painful. Before I could register more than that, cold
hands replaced the hot ones, and the air was suddenly whooshing past me.
I blinked, and I was on my feet a half dozen feet away from where I’d been
standing. Edward was tensed in front of me. There were two enormous wolves
braced between him and Jacob, but they did not seem aggressive to me. More like
they were trying to prevent the fight.
And Seth—gangly, fifteen-year-old Seth—had his long arms around Jacob’s
shaking body, and he was tugging him away. If Jacob phased with Seth so close…
“C’mon, Jake. Let’s go.”
“I’ll kill you,” Jacob said, his voice so choked with rage that it was low as a
whisper. His eyes, focused on Edward, burned with fury. “I’ll kill you myself! I’ll
do it now!” He shuddered convulsively.
The biggest wolf, the black one, growled sharply.
“Seth, get out of the way,” Edward hissed.
Seth tugged on Jacob again. Jacob was so bewildered with rage that Seth was able
to yank him a few feet farther back. “Don’t do it, Jake. Walk away. C’mon.”
53
Sam—the bigger wolf, the black one—joined Seth then. He put his massive head
against Jacob’s chest and shoved.
The three of them—Seth towing, Jake trembling, Sam pushing—disappeared
swiftly into the darkness.
The other wolf stared after them. I wasn’t sure, in the weak light, about the color
of his fur—chocolate brown, maybe? Was it Quil, then?
“I’m sorry,” I whispered to the wolf.
“It’s all right now, Bella,” Edward murmured.
The wolf looked at Edward. His gaze was not friendly. Edward gave him one cold
nod. The wolf huffed and then turned to follow the others, vanishing as they had.
“All right,” Edward said to himself, and then he looked at me. “Let’s get back.”
“But Jake—”
“Sam has him in hand. He’s gone.”
“Edward, I’m so sorry. I was stupid—”
“You did nothing wrong—”
“I have such a big mouth! Why would I… I shouldn’t have let him get to me like
that. What was I thinking?”
“Don’t worry.” He touched my face. “We need to get back to the reception before
someone notices our absence.”
I shook my head, trying to reorient myself. Before someone noticed? Had anyone
missed that?
Then, as I thought about it, I realized the confrontation that had seemed so
catastrophic to me had, in reality, been very quiet and short here in the shadows.
“Give me two seconds,” I pleaded.
My insides were chaotic with panic and grief, but that didn’t matter—only the
outside mattered right now. Putting on a good show was something I knew I had
to master.
“My dress?”
“You look fine. Not a hair out of place.”
54
I took two deep breaths. “Okay. Let’s go.”
He put his arms around me and led me back to the light. When we passed under
the twinkle lights, he spun me gently onto the dance floor. We melted in with the
other dancers as if our dance had never been interrupted.
I glanced around at the guests, but no one seemed shocked or frightened. Only
the very palest faces there showed any signs of stress, and they hid it well. Jasper
and Emmett were on the edge of the floor, close together, and I guessed that they
had been nearby during the confrontation.
“Are you—”
“I’m fine,” I promised. “I can’t believe I did that. What’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing is wrong with you.”
I’d been so glad to see Jacob here. I knew the sacrifice it had taken him. And then
I’d ruined it, turned his gift into a disaster. I should be quarantined.
But my idiocy would not ruin anything else tonight. I would put this away, shove
it in a drawer and lock it up to deal with later. There would be plenty of time to
flagellate myself for this, and nothing I could do now would help.
“It’s over,” I said. “Let’s not think of it again tonight.”
I expected a quick agreement from Edward, but he was silent.
“Edward?”
He closed his eyes and touched his forehead to mine. “Jacob is right,” he
whispered. “What am I thinking?”
“He is not.” I tried to keep my face smooth for the watching crowd of friends.
“Jacob is way too prejudiced to see anything clearly.”
He mumbled something low that sounded almost like “should let him kill me for
even thinking . . .”
“Stop it,” I said fiercely. I grabbed his face in my hands and waited until he
opened his eyes. “You and me. That’s the only thing that matters. The only thing
you’re allowed to think about now. Do you hear me?”
“Yes,” he sighed.
“Forget Jacob came.” I could do that. I would do that. “For me. Promise that
you’ll let this go.”
55
He stared into my eyes for a moment before answering. “I promise.”
“Thank you. Edward, I’m not afraid.”
“I am,” he whispered.
“Don’t be.” I took deep breath and smiled. “By the way, I love you.”
He smiled just a little in return. “That’s why we’re here.”
“You’re monopolizing the bride,” Emmett said, coming up behind Edward’s
shoulder. “Let me dance with my little sister. This could be my last chance to
make her blush.” He laughed loudly, as unaffected as he usually was by any
serious atmosphere.
It turned out there were actually lots of people I hadn’t danced with yet, and that
gave me a chance to truly compose and resolve myself. When Edward claimed me
again, I found that the Jacob-drawer was shut nice and tight. As he wrapped his
arms around me, I was able to unearth my earlier sense of joy, my certainty that
everything in my life was in the right place tonight. I smiled and laid my head
against his chest. His arms tightened.
“I could get used to this,” I said.
“Don’t tell me you’ve gotten over your dancing issues?”
“Dancing isn’t so bad—with you. But I was thinking more of this,”—and I pressed
myself to him even tighter—“of never having to let you go.”
“Never,” he promised, and he leaned down to kiss me.
It was a serious kind of kiss—intense, slow but building.…
I’d pretty much forgotten where I was when I heard Alice call, “Bella! It’s time!”
I felt a brief flicker of irritation with my new sister for the interruption.
Edward ignored her; his lips were hard against mine, more urgent than before.
My heart broke into a sprint and my palms were slick against his marble neck.
“Do you want to miss your plane?” Alice demanded, right next to me now. “I’m
sure you’ll have a lovely honeymoon camped out in the airport waiting for
another flight.”
Edward turned his face slightly to murmur, “Go away, Alice,” and then pressed
his lips to mine again.
56
“Bella, do you want to wear that dress on the airplane?” she demanded.
I wasn’t really paying much attention. At the moment, I simply didn’t care.
Alice growled quietly. “I’ll tell her where you’re taking her, Edward. So help me, I
will.”
He froze. Then he lifted his face from mine and glared at his favorite sister.
“You’re awfully small to be so hugely irritating.”
“I didn’t pick out the perfect going-away dress to have it wasted,” she snapped
back, taking my hand. “Come with me, Bella.”
I tugged against her hold, stretching up on my toes to kiss him one more time.
She jerked my arm impatiently, hauling me away from him. There were a few
chuckles from the watching guests. I gave up then and let her lead me into the
empty house.
She looked annoyed.
“Sorry, Alice,” I apologized.
“I don’t blame you, Bella.” She sighed. “You don’t seem to be able help yourself.”
I giggled at her martyred expression, and she scowled.
“Thank you, Alice. It was the most beautiful wedding anyone ever had,” I told her
earnestly. “Everything was exactly right. You’re the best, smartest, most talented
sister in the whole world.”
That thawed her out; she smiled a huge smile. “I’m glad you liked it.”
Renée and Esme were waiting upstairs. The three of them quickly had me out of
my dress and into Alice’s deep blue going-away ensemble. I was grateful when
someone pulled the pins out of my hair and let it fall loose down my back, wavy
from the braids, saving me from a hairpin headache later. My mother’s tears
streamed without a break the entire time.
“I’ll call you when I know where I’m going,” I promised as I hugged her goodbye.
I knew the honeymoon secret was probably driving her crazy; my mother hated
secrets, unless she was in on them.
“I’ll tell you as soon as she’s safely away,” Alice outdid me, smirking at my
wounded expression. How unfair, for me to be the last to know.
“You have to visit me and Phil very, very soon. It’s your turn to go south—see the
sun for once,” Renée said.
57
“It didn’t rain today,” I reminded her, avoiding her request.
“A miracle.”
“Everything’s ready,” Alice said. “Your suitcases are in the car—Jasper’s bringing
it around.” She pulled me back toward the stairs with Renée following, still
halfway embracing me.
“I love you, Mom,” I whispered as we descended. “I’m so glad you have Phil. Take
care of each other.”
“I love you, too, Bella, honey.”
“Goodbye, Mom. I love you,” I said again, my throat thick.
Edward was waiting at the bottom of the stairs. I took his outstretched hand but
leaned away, scanning the little crowd that was waiting to see us off.
“Dad?” I asked, my eyes searching.
“Over here,” Edward murmured. He pulled me through the guests; they made a
pathway for us. We found Charlie leaning awkwardly against the wall behind
everyone else, looking a little like he was hiding. The red rims around his eyes
explained why.
“Oh, Dad!”
I hugged him around the waist, tears streaming again—I was crying so much
tonight. He patted my back.
“There, now. You don’t want to miss your plane.”
It was hard to talk about love with Charlie—we were so much alike, always
reverting to trivial things to avoid embarrassing emotional displays. But this was
no time for being self-conscious.
“I love you forever, Dad,” I told him. “Don’t forget that.”
“You, too, Bells. Always have, always will.”
I kissed his cheek at the same time that he kissed mine.
“Call me,” he said.
“Soon,” I promised, knowing this was all I could promise. Just a phone call. My
father and my mother could not be allowed to see me again; I would be too
different, and much, much too dangerous.
58
“Go on, then,” he said gruffly. “Don’t want to be late.”
The guests made another aisle for us. Edward pulled me close to his side as we
made our escape.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
“I am,” I said, and I knew that it was true.
Everyone applauded when Edward kissed me on the doorstep. Then he rushed
me to the car as the rice storm began. Most of it went wide, but someone,
probably Emmett, threw with uncanny precision, and I caught a lot of the
ricochets off Edward’s back.
The car was decorated with more flowers that trailed in streamers along its
length, and long gossamer ribbons that were tied to a dozen shoes—designer
shoes that looked brand-new—dangling behind the bumper.
Edward shielded me from the rice while I climbed in, and then he was in and we
were speeding away as I waved out the window and called “I love you” to the
porch, where my families waved back.
The last image I registered was one of my parents. Phil had both arms wrapped
tenderly around Renée. She had one arm tight around his waist but had her free
hand reached out to hold Charlie’s. So many different kinds of love, harmonious
in this one moment. It seemed a very hopeful picture to me.
Edward squeezed my hand.
“I love you,” he said.
I leaned my head against his arm. “That’s why we’re here,” I quoted him.
He kissed my hair.
As we turned onto the black highway and Edward really hit the accelerator, I
heard a noise over the purr of the engine, coming from the forest behind us. If I
could hear it, then he certainly could. But he said nothing as the sound slowly
faded in the distance. I said nothing, either.
The piercing, heartbroken howling grew fainter and then disappeared entirely.
59
5. ISLE ESME
“Houston?” I asked, raising my eyebrows when we reached the gate in Seattle.
“Just a stop along the way,” Edward assured me with a grin.
It felt like I’d barely fallen asleep when he woke me. I was groggy as he pulled me
through the terminals, struggling to remember how to open my eyes after every
blink. It took me a few minutes to catch up with what was going on when we
stopped at the international counter to check in for our next flight.
“Rio de Janeiro?” I asked with slightly more trepidation.
“Another stop,” he told me.
The flight to South America was long but comfortable in the wide first-class seat,
with Edward’s arms cradled around me. I slept myself out and awoke unusually
alert as we circled toward the airport with the light of the setting sun slanting
through the plane’s windows.
We didn’t stay in the airport to connect with another flight as I’d expected.
Instead we took a taxi through the dark, teeming, living streets of Rio. Unable to
understand a word of Edward’s Portuguese instructions to the driver, I guessed
that we were off to find a hotel before the next leg of our journey. A sharp twinge
of something very close to stage fright twisted in the pit of my stomach as I
considered that. The taxi continued through the swarming crowds until they
thinned somewhat, and we appeared to be nearing the extreme western edge of
the city, heading into the ocean.
We stopped at the docks.
Edward led the way down the long line of white yachts moored in the nightblackened
water. The boat he stopped at was smaller than the others, sleeker,
obviously built for speed instead of space. Still luxurious, though, and more
graceful than the rest. He leaped in lightly, despite the heavy bags he carried. He
dropped those on the deck and turned to help me carefully over the edge.
I watched in silence while he prepared the boat for departure, surprised at how
skilled and comfortable he seemed, because he’d never mentioned an interest in
boating before. But then again, he was good at just about everything.
As we headed due east into the open ocean, I reviewed basic geography in my
head. As far as I could remember, there wasn’t much east of Brazil… until you got
to Africa.
60
But Edward sped forward while the lights of Rio faded and ultimately
disappeared behind us. On his face was a familiar exhilarated smile, the one
produced by any form of speed. The boat plunged through the waves and I was
showered with sea spray.
Finally the curiosity I’d suppressed so long got the best of me.
“Are we going much farther?” I asked.
It wasn’t like him to forget that I was human, but I wondered if he planned for us
to live on this small craft for any length of time.
“About another half hour.” His eyes took in my hands, clenched on the seat, and
he grinned.
Oh well, I thought to myself. He was a vampire, after all. Maybe we were going to
Atlantis.
Twenty minutes later, he called my name over the roar of the engine.
“Bella, look there.” He pointed straight ahead.
I saw only blackness at first, and the moon’s white trail across the water. But I
searched the space where he pointed until I found a low black shape breaking
into the sheen of moonlight on the waves. As I squinted into the darkness, the
silhouette became more detailed. The shape grew into a squat, irregular triangle,
with one side trailing longer than the other before sinking into the waves. We
drew closer, and I could see the outline was feathery, swaying to the light breeze.
And then my eyes refocused and the pieces all made sense: a small island rose out
of the water ahead of us, waving with palm fronds, a beach glowing pale in the
light of the moon.
“Where are we?” I murmured in wonder while he shifted course, heading around
to the north end of the island.
He heard me, despite the noise of the engine, and smiled a wide smile that
gleamed in the moonlight.
“This is Isle Esme.”
The boat slowed dramatically, drawing with precision into position against a
short dock constructed of wooden planks, bleached into whiteness by the moon.
The engine cut off, and the silence that followed was profound. There was
nothing but the waves, slapping lightly against the boat, and the rustle of the
breeze in the palms. The air was warm, moist, and fragrant—like the steam left
behind after a hot shower.
61
“Isle Esme?” My voice was low, but it still sounded too loud as it broke into the
quiet night.
“A gift from Carlisle—Esme offered to let us borrow it.”
A gift. Who gives an island as a gift? I frowned. I hadn’t realized that Edward’s
extreme generosity was a learned behavior.
He placed the suitcases on the dock and then turned back, smiling his perfect
smile as he reached for me. Instead of taking my hand, he pulled me right up into
his arms.
“Aren’t you supposed to wait for the threshold?” I asked, breathless, as he sprung
lightly out of the boat.
He grinned. “I’m nothing if not thorough.”
Gripping the handles of both huge steamer trunks in one hand and cradling me in
the other arm, he carried me up the dock and onto a pale sand pathway through
the dark vegetation.
For a short while it was pitch black in the jungle-like growth, and then I could see
a warm light ahead. It was about at the point when I realized the light was a
house—the two bright, perfect squares were wide windows framing a front door—
that the stage fright attacked again, more forcefully than before, worse than when
I’d thought we were headed for a hotel.
My heart thudded audibly against my ribs, and my breath seemed to get stuck in
my throat. I felt Edward’s eyes on my face, but I refused to meet his gaze. I stared
straight ahead, seeing nothing.
He didn’t ask what I was thinking, which was out of character for him. I guessed
that meant that he was just as nervous as I suddenly was.
He set the suitcases on the deep porch to open the doors—they were unlocked.
Edward looked down at me, waiting until I met his gaze before he stepped
through the threshold.
He carried me through the house, both of us very quiet, flipping on lights as he
went. My vague impression of the house was that it was quite large for a tiny
island, and oddly familiar. I’d gotten used to the pale-on-pale color scheme
preferred by the Cullens; it felt like home. I couldn’t focus on any specifics,
though. The violent pulse beating behind my ears made everything a little blurry.
Then Edward stopped and turned on the last light.
62
The room was big and white, and the far wall was mostly glass—standard décor
for my vampires. Outside, the moon was bright on white sand and, just a few
yards away from the house, glistening waves. But I barely noted that part. I was
more focused on the absolutely huge white bed in the center of the room, hung
with billowy clouds of mosquito netting.
Edward set me on my feet.
“I’ll… go get the luggage.”
The room was too warm, stuffier than the tropical night outside. A bead of sweat
dewed up on the nape of my neck. I walked slowly forward until I could reach out
and touch the foamy netting. For some reason I felt the need to make sure
everything was real.
I didn’t hear Edward return. Suddenly, his wintry finger caressed the back of my
neck, wiping away the drop of perspiration.
“It’s a little hot here,” he said apologetically. “I thought… that would be best.”
“Thorough,” I murmured under my breath, and he chuckled. It was a nervous
sound, rare for Edward.
“I tried to think of everything that would make this… easier,” he admitted.
I swallowed loudly, still facing away from him. Had there ever been a honeymoon
like this before?
I knew the answer to that. No. There had not.
“I was wondering,” Edward said slowly, “if… first… maybe you’d like to take a
midnight swim with me?” He took a deep breath, and his voice was more at ease
when he spoke again. “The water will be very warm. This is the kind of beach you
approve of.”
“Sounds nice.” My voice broke.
“I’m sure you’d like a human minute or two.… It was a long journey.”
I nodded woodenly. I felt barely human; maybe a few minutes alone would help.
His lips brushed against my throat, just below my ear. He chuckled once and his
cool breath tickled my overheated skin. “Don’t take too long, Mrs. Cullen.”
I jumped a little at the sound of my new name.
63
His lips brushed down my neck to the tip of my shoulder. “I’ll wait for you in the
water.”
He walked past me to the French door that opened right onto the beach sand. On
the way, he shrugged out of his shirt, dropping it on the floor, and then slipped
through the door into the moonlit night. The sultry, salty air swirled into the
room behind him.
Did my skin burst into flames? I had to look down to check. Nope, nothing was
burning. At least, not visibly.
I reminded myself to breathe, and then I stumbled toward the giant suitcase that
Edward had opened on top of a low white dresser. It must be mine, because my
familiar bag of toiletries was right on top, and there was a lot of pink in there, but
I didn’t recognize even one article of clothing. As I pawed through the neatly
folded piles—looking for something familiar and comfortable, a pair of old sweats
maybe—it came to my attention that there was an awful lot of sheer lace and
skimpy satin in my hands. Lingerie. Very lingerie-ish lingerie, with French tags.
I didn’t know how or when, but someday, Alice was going to pay for this.
Giving up, I went to the bathroom and peeked out through the long windows that
opened to the same beach as the French doors. I couldn’t see him; I guessed he
was there in the water, not bothering to come up for air. In the sky above, the
moon was lopsided, almost full, and the sand was bright white under its shine. A
small movement caught my eye—draped over a bend in one of the palm trees that
fringed the beach, the rest of his clothes were swaying in the light breeze.
A rush of heat flashed across my skin again.
I took a couple of deep breaths and then went to the mirrors above the long
stretch of counters. I looked exactly like I’d been sleeping on a plane all day. I
found my brush and yanked it harshly through the snarls on the back of my neck
until they were smoothed out and the bristles were full of hair. I brushed my
teeth meticulously, twice. Then I washed my face and splashed water on the back
of my neck, which was feeling feverish. That felt so good that I washed my arms
as well, and finally I decided to just give up and take the shower. I knew it was
ridiculous to shower before swimming, but I needed to calm down, and hot water
was one reliable way to do that.
Also, shaving my legs again seemed like a pretty good idea.
When I was done, I grabbed a huge white towel off the counter and wrapped it
under my arms.
64
Then I was faced with a dilemma I hadn’t considered. What was I supposed to
put on? Not a swimsuit, obviously. But it seemed silly to put my clothes back on,
too. I didn’t even want to think about the things Alice had packed for me.
My breathing started to accelerate again and my hands trembled—so much for
the calming effects of the shower. I started to feel a little dizzy, apparently a fullscale
panic attack on the way. I sat down on the cool tile floor in my big towel and
put my head between my knees. I prayed he wouldn’t decide to come look for me
before I could pull myself together. I could imagine what he would think if he saw
me going to pieces this way. It wouldn’t be hard for him to convince himself that
we were making a mistake.
And I wasn’t freaking out because I thought we were making a mistake. Not at all.
I was freaking out because I had no idea how to do this, and I was afraid to walk
out of this room and face the unknown. Especially in French lingerie. I knew I
wasn’t ready for that yet.
This felt exactly like having to walk out in front of a theater full of thousands with
no idea what my lines were.
How did people do this—swallow all their fears and trust someone else so
implicitly with every imperfection and fear they had—with less than the absolute
commitment Edward had given me? If it weren’t Edward out there, if I didn’t
know in every cell of my body that he loved me as much as I loved him—
unconditionally and irrevocably and, to be honest, irrationally—I’d never be able
to get up off this floor.
But it was Edward out there, so I whispered the words “Don’t be a coward” under
my breath and scrambled to my feet. I hitched the towel tighter under my arms
and marched determinedly from the bathroom. Past the suitcase full of lace and
the big bed without looking at either. Out the open glass door onto the powderfine
sand.
Everything was black-and-white, leached colorless by the moon. I walked slowly
across the warm powder, pausing beside the curved tree where he had left his
clothes. I laid my hand against the rough bark and checked my breathing to make
sure it was even. Or even enough.
I looked across the low ripples, black in the darkness, searching for him.
He wasn’t hard to find. He stood, his back to me, waist deep in the midnight
water, staring up at the oval moon. The pallid light of the moon turned his skin a
perfect white, like the sand, like the moon itself, and made his wet hair black as
the ocean. He was motionless, his hands resting palms down against the water;
the low waves broke around him as if he were a stone. I stared at the smooth lines
of his back, his shoulders, his arms, his neck, the flawless shape of him.…
65
The fire was no longer a flash burn across my skin—it was slow and deep now; it
smoldered away all my awkwardness, my shy uncertainty. I slipped the towel off
without hesitation, leaving it on the tree with his clothes, and walked out into the
white light; it made me pale as the snowy sand, too.
I couldn’t hear the sound of my footsteps as I walked to the water’s edge, but I
guessed that he could. Edward did not turn. I let the gentle swells break over my
toes, and found that he’d been right about the temperature—it was very warm,
like bath water. I stepped in, walking carefully across the invisible ocean floor,
but my care was unnecessary; the sand continued perfectly smooth, sloping
gently toward Edward. I waded through the weightless current till I was at his
side, and then I placed my hand lightly over his cool hand lying on the water.
“Beautiful,” I said, looking up at the moon, too.
“It’s all right,” he answered, unimpressed. He turned slowly to face me; little
waves rolled away from his movement and broke against my skin. His eyes
looked silver in his ice-colored face. He twisted his hand up so that he could twine
our fingers beneath the surface of the water. It was warm enough that his cool
skin did not raise goose bumps on mine.
“But I wouldn’t use the word beautiful,” he continued. “Not with you standing
here in comparison.”
I half-smiled, then raised my free hand—it didn’t tremble now—and placed it over
his heart. White on white; we matched, for once. He shuddered the tiniest bit at
my warm touch. His breath came rougher now.
“I promised we would try,” he whispered, suddenly tense. “If… if I do something
wrong, if I hurt you, you must tell me at once.”
I nodded solemnly, keeping my eyes on his. I took another step through the
waves and leaned my head against his chest.
“Don’t be afraid,” I murmured. “We belong together.”
I was abruptly overwhelmed by the truth of my own words. This moment was so
perfect, so right, there was no way to doubt it.
His arms wrapped around me, holding me against him, summer and winter. It
felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire.
“Forever,” he agreed, and then pulled us gently into deeper water.
The sun, hot on the bare skin of my back, woke me in the morning. Late morning,
maybe afternoon, I wasn’t sure. Everything besides the time was clear, though; I
knew exactly where I was—the bright room with the big white bed, brilliant
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sunlight streaming through the open doors. The clouds of netting would soften
the shine.
I didn’t open my eyes. I was too happy to change anything, no matter how small.
The only sounds were the waves outside, our breathing, my heartbeat.…
I was comfortable, even with the baking sun. His cool skin was the perfect
antidote to the heat. Lying across his wintry chest, his arms wound around me,
felt very easy and natural. I wondered idly what I’d been so panicky about last
night. My fears all seemed silly now.
His fingers softly trailed down the contours of my spine, and I knew that he knew
I was awake. I kept my eyes shut and tightened my arms around his neck, holding
myself closer to him.
He didn’t speak; his fingers moved up and down my back, barely touching it as he
lightly traced patterns on my skin.
I would have been happy to lie here forever, to never disturb this moment, but my
body had other ideas. I laughed at my impatient stomach. It seemed sort of
prosaic to be hungry after all that had passed last night. Like being brought back
down to earth from some great height.
“What’s funny?” he murmured, still stroking my back. The sound of his voice,
serious and husky, brought with it a deluge of memories from the night, and I felt
a blush color my face and neck.
To answer his question, my stomach growled. I laughed again. “You just can’t
escape being human for very long.”
I waited, but he did not laugh with me. Slowly, sinking through the many layers
of bliss that clouded my head, came the realization of a different atmosphere
outside my own glowing sphere of happiness.
I opened my eyes; the first thing I saw was the pale, almost silvery skin of his
throat, the arc of his chin above my face. His jaw was taut. I propped myself up
on my elbow so I could see his face.
He was staring at the frothy canopy above us, and he didn’t look at me as I
studied his grave features. His expression was a shock—it sent a physical jolt
through my body.
“Edward,” I said, a strange little catch in my throat, “what is it? What’s wrong?”
“You have to ask?” His voice was hard, cynical.
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My first instinct, the product of a lifetime of insecurities, was to wonder what I
had done wrong. I thought through everything that had happened, but I couldn’t
find any sour note in the memory. It had all been simpler than I’d expected; we’d
fit together like corresponding pieces, made to match up. This had given me a
secret satisfaction—we were compatible physically, as well as all the other ways.
Fire and ice, somehow existing together without destroying each other. More
proof that I belonged with him.
I couldn’t think of any part that would make him look like this—so severe and
cold. What had I missed?
His finger smoothed the worried lines on my forehead.
“What are you thinking?” he whispered.
“You’re upset. I don’t understand. Did I… ?” I couldn’t finish.
His eyes tightened. “How badly are you hurt, Bella? The truth—don’t try to
downplay it.”
“Hurt?” I repeated; my voice came out higher than usual because the word took
me so by surprise.
He raised one eyebrow, his lips a tight line.
I made a quick assessment, stretching my body automatically, tensing and flexing
my muscles. There was stiffness, and a lot of soreness, too, it was true, but mostly
there was the odd sensation that my bones all had become unhinged at the joints,
and I had changed halfway into the consistency of a jellyfish. It was not an
unpleasant feeling.
And then I was a little angry, because he was darkening this most perfect of all
mornings with his pessimistic assumptions.
“Why would you jump to that conclusion? I’ve never been better than I am now.”
His eyes closed. “Stop that.”
“Stop what?”
“Stop acting like I’m not a monster for having agreed to this.”
“Edward!” I whispered, really upset now. He was pulling my bright memory
through the darkness, staining it. “Don’t ever say that.”
He didn’t open his eyes; it was like he didn’t want to see me.
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“Look at yourself, Bella. Then tell me I’m not a monster.”
Wounded, shocked, I followed his instruction unthinkingly and then gasped.
What had happened to me? I couldn’t make sense of the fluffy white snow that
clung to my skin. I shook my head, and a cascade of white drifted out of my hair.
I pinched one soft white bit between my fingers. It was a piece of down.
“Why am I covered in feathers?” I asked, confused.
He exhaled impatiently. “I bit a pillow. Or two. That’s not what I’m talking
about.”
“You… bit a pillow? Why?”
“Look, Bella!” he almost growled. He took my hand—very gingerly—and stretched
my arm out. “Look at that.”
This time, I saw what he meant.
Under the dusting of feathers, large purplish bruises were beginning to blossom
across the pale skin of my arm. My eyes followed the trail they made up to my
shoulder, and then down across my ribs. I pulled my hand free to poke at a
discoloration on my left forearm, watching it fade where I touched and then
reappear. It throbbed a little.
So lightly that he was barely touching me, Edward placed his hand against the
bruises on my arm, one at a time, matching his long fingers to the patterns.
“Oh,” I said.
I tried to remember this—to remember pain—but I couldn’t. I couldn’t recall a
moment when his hold had been too tight, his hands too hard against me. I only
remembered wanting him to hold me tighter, and being pleased when he did.…
“I’m… so sorry, Bella,” he whispered while I stared at the bruises. “I knew better
than this. I should not have—” He made a low, revolted sound in the back of his
throat. “I am more sorry than I can tell you.”
He threw his arm over his face and became perfectly still.
I sat for one long moment in total astonishment, trying to come to terms—now
that I understood it—with his misery. It was so contrary to the way that I felt that
it was difficult to process.
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The shock wore off slowly, leaving nothing in its absence. Emptiness. My mind
was blank. I couldn’t think of what to say. How could I explain it to him in the
right way? How could I make him as happy as I was—or as I had been, a moment
ago?
I touched his arm, and he didn’t respond. I wrapped my fingers around his wrist
and tried to pry his arm off his face, but I could have been yanking on a sculpture
for all the good it did me.
“Edward.”
He didn’t move.
“Edward?”
Nothing. So, this would be a monologue, then.
“I’m not sorry, Edward. I’m… I can’t even tell you. I’m so happy. That doesn’t
cover it. Don’t be angry. Don’t. I’m really f—”
“Do not say the word fine.” His voice was ice cold. “If you value my sanity, do not
say that you are fine.”
“But I am,” I whispered.
“Bella,” he almost moaned. “Don’t.”
“No. You don’t, Edward.”
He moved his arm; his gold eyes watched me warily.
“Don’t ruin this,” I told him. “I. Am. Happy.”
“I’ve already ruined this,” he whispered.
“Cut it out,” I snapped.
I heard his teeth grind together.
“Ugh!” I groaned. “Why can’t you just read my mind already? It’s so inconvenient
to be a mental mute!”
His eyes widened a little bit, distracted in spite of himself.
“That’s a new one. You love that I can’t read your mind.”
“Not today.”
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He stared at me. “Why?”
I threw my hands up in frustration, feeling an ache in my shoulder that I ignored.
My palms fell back against his chest with a sharp smack. “Because all this angst
would be completely unnecessary if you could see how I feel right now! Or five
minutes ago, anyway. I was perfectly happy. Totally and completely blissed out.
Now—well, I’m sort of pissed, actually.”
“You should be angry at me.”
“Well, I am. Does that make you feel better?”
He sighed. “No. I don’t think anything could make me feel better now.”
“That,” I snapped. “That right there is why I’m angry. You are killing my buzz,
Edward.”
He rolled his eyes and shook his head.
I took a deep breath. I was feeling more of the soreness now, but it wasn’t that
bad. Sort of like the day after lifting weights. I’d done that with Renée during one
of her fitness obsessions. Sixty-five lunges with ten pounds in each hand. I
couldn’t walk the next day. This was not as painful as that had been by half.
I swallowed my irritation and tried to make my voice soothing. “We knew this
was going to be tricky. I thought that was assumed. And then—well, it was a lot
easier than I thought it would be. And this is really nothing.” I brushed my
fingers along my arm. “I think for a first time, not knowing what to expect, we did
amazing. With a little practice—”
His expression was suddenly so livid that I broke off mid-sentence.
“Assumed? Did you expect this, Bella? Were you anticipating that I would hurt
you? Were you thinking it would be worse? Do you consider the experiment a
success because you can walk away from it? No broken bones—that equals a
victory?”
I waited, letting him get it all out. Then I waited some more while his breathing
went back to normal. When his eyes were calm, I answered, speaking with slow
precision.
“I didn’t know what to expect—but I definitely did not expect how… how… just
wonderful and perfect it was.” My voice dropped to a whisper, my eyes slipped
from his face down to my hands. “I mean, I don’t know how it was for you, but it
was like that for me.”
A cool finger pulled my chin back up.
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“Is that what you’re worried about?” he said through his teeth. “That I didn’t
enjoy myself?”
My eyes stayed down. “I know it’s not the same. You’re not human. I just was
trying to explain that, for a human, well, I can’t imagine that life gets any better
than that.”
He was quiet for so long that, finally, I had to look up. His face was softer now,
thoughtful.
“It seems that I have more to apologize for.” He frowned. “I didn’t dream that you
would construe the way I feel about what I did to you to mean that last night
wasn’t… well, the best night of my existence. But I don’t want to think of it that
way, not when you were . . .”
My lips curved up a little at the edges. “Really? The best ever?” I asked in a small
voice.
He took my face between his hands, still introspective. “I spoke to Carlisle after
you and I made our bargain, hoping he could help me. Of course he warned me
that this would be very dangerous for you.” A shadow crossed his expression. “He
had faith in me, though—faith I didn’t deserve.”
I started to protest, and he put two fingers over my lips before I could comment.
“I also asked him what I should expect. I didn’t know what it would be for me…
what with my being a vampire.” He smiled halfheartedly. “Carlisle told me it was
a very powerful thing, like nothing else. He told me physical love was something I
should not treat lightly. With our rarely changing temperaments, strong emotions
can alter us in permanent ways. But he said I did not need to worry about that
part—you had already altered me so completely.” This time his smile was more
genuine.
“I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure. Second
only to drinking human blood.” A line creased his brow. “But I’ve tasted your
blood, and there could be no blood more potent than that.… I don’t think they
were wrong, really. Just that it was different for us. Something more.”
“It was more. It was everything.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that it was wrong. Even if it were possible that you
really did feel that way.”
“What does that mean? Do you think I’m making this up? Why?”
“To ease my guilt. I can’t ignore the evidence, Bella. Or your history of trying to
let me off the hook when I make mistakes.”
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I grabbed his chin and leaned forward so that our faces were inches apart. “You
listen to me, Edward Cullen. I am not pretending anything for your sake, okay? I
didn’t even know there was a reason to make you feel better until you started
being all miserable. I’ve never been so happy in all my life—I wasn’t this happy
when you decided that you loved me more than you wanted to kill me, or the first
morning I woke up and you were there waiting for me.… Not when I heard your
voice in the ballet studio”—he flinched at the old memory of my close call with a
hunting vampire, but I didn’t pause—“or when you said ‘I do’ and I realized that,
somehow, I get to keep you forever. Those are the happiest memories I have, and
this is better than any of it. So just deal with it.”
He touched the frown line between my eyebrows. “I’m making you unhappy now.
I don’t want to do that.”
“Then don’t you be unhappy. That’s the only thing that’s wrong here.”
His eyes tightened, then he took a deep breath and nodded. “You’re right. The
past is past and I can’t do anything to change it. There’s no sense in letting my
mood sour this time for you. I’ll do whatever I can to make you happy now.”
I examined his face suspiciously, and he gave me a serene smile.
“Whatever makes me happy?”
My stomach growled at the same time that I asked.
“You’re hungry,” he said quickly. He was swiftly out of the bed, stirring up a cloud
of feathers. Which reminded me.
“So, why exactly did you decide to ruin Esme’s pillows?” I asked, sitting up and
shaking more down from my hair.
He had already pulled on a pair of loose khaki pants, and he stood by the door,
rumpling his hair, dislodging a few feathers of his own.
“I don’t know if I decided to do anything last night,” he muttered. “We’re just
lucky it was the pillows and not you.” He inhaled deeply and then shook his head,
as if shaking off the dark thought. A very authentic-looking smile spread across
his face, but I guessed it took a lot of work to put it there.
I slid carefully off the high bed and stretched again, more aware, now, of the
aches and sore spots. I heard him gasp. He turned away from me, and his hands
balled up, knuckles white.
“Do I look that hideous?” I asked, working to keep my tone light. His breath
caught, but he didn’t turn, probably to hide his expression from me. I walked to
the bathroom to check for myself.
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I stared at my naked body in the full-length mirror behind the door.
I’d definitely had worse. There was a faint shadow across one of my cheekbones,
and my lips were a little swollen, but other than that, my face was fine. The rest of
me was decorated with patches of blue and purple. I concentrated on the bruises
that would be the hardest to hide—my arms and my shoulders. They weren’t so
bad. My skin marked up easily. By the time a bruise showed I’d usually forgotten
how I’d come by it. Of course, these were just developing. I’d look even worse
tomorrow. That would not make things any easier.
I looked at my hair, then, and groaned.
“Bella?” He was right there behind me as soon as I’d made a sound.
“I’ll never get this all out of my hair!” I pointed to my head, where it looked like a
chicken was nesting. I started picking at the feathers.
“You would be worried about your hair,” he mumbled, but he came to stand
behind me, pulling out the feathers much more quickly.
“How did you keep from laughing at this? I look ridiculous.”
He didn’t answer; he just kept plucking. And I knew the answer anyway—there
was nothing that would be funny to him in this mood.
“This isn’t going to work,” I sighed after a minute. “It’s all dried in. I’m going to
have to try to wash it out.” I turned around, wrapping my arms around his cool
waist. “Do you want to help me?”
“I’d better find some food for you,” he said in a quiet voice, and he gently
unwound my arms. I sighed as he disappeared, moving too fast.
It looked like my honeymoon was over. The thought put a big lump in my throat.
When I was mostly feather-free and dressed in an unfamiliar white cotton dress
that concealed the worst of the violet blotches, I padded off barefoot to where the
smell of eggs and bacon and cheddar cheese was coming from.
Edward stood in front of the stainless steel stove, sliding an omelet onto the light
blue plate waiting on the counter. The scent of the food overwhelmed me. I felt
like I could eat the plate and the frying pan, too; my stomach snarled.
“Here,” he said. He turned with a smile on his face and set the plate on a small
tiled table.
I sat in one of the two metal chairs and started snarfing down the hot eggs. They
burned my throat, but I didn’t care.
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He sat down across from me. “I’m not feeding you often enough.”
I swallowed and then reminded him, “I was asleep. This is really good, by the
way. Impressive for someone who doesn’t eat.”
“Food Network,” he said, flashing my favorite crooked smile.
I was happy to see it, happy that he seemed more like his normal self.
“Where did the eggs come from?”
“I asked the cleaning crew to stock the kitchen. A first, for this place. I’ll have to
ask them to deal with the feathers.… ” He trailed off, his gaze fixed on a space
above my head. I didn’t respond, trying to avoid saying anything that would upset
him again.
I ate everything, though he’d made enough for two.
“Thank you,” I told him. I leaned across the table to kiss him. He kissed me back
automatically, and then suddenly stiffened and leaned away.
I gritted my teeth, and the question I meant to ask came out sounding like an
accusation. “You aren’t going to touch me again while we’re here, are you?”
He hesitated, then half-smiled and raised his hand to stroke my cheek. His
fingers lingered softly on my skin, and I couldn’t help leaning my face into his
palm.
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
He sighed and dropped his hand. “I know. And you’re right.” He paused, lifting
his chin slightly. And then he spoke again with firm conviction. “I will not make
love with you until you’ve been changed. I will never hurt you again.”
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6. DISTRACTIONS
My entertainment became the number-one priority on Isle Esme. We snorkeled
(well, I snorkeled while he flaunted his ability to go without oxygen indefinitely).
We explored the small jungle that ringed the rocky little peak. We visited the
parrots that lived in the canopy on the south end of the island. We watched the
sunset from the rocky western cove. We swam with the porpoises that played in
the warm, shallow waters there. Or at least I did; when Edward was in the water,
the porpoises disappeared as if a shark was near.
I knew what was going on. He was trying to keep me busy, distracted, so I that
wouldn’t continue badgering him about the sex thing. Whenever I tried to talk
him into taking it easy with one of the million DVDs under the big-screen plasma
TV, he would lure me out of the house with magic words like coral reefs and
submerged caves and sea turtles. We were going, going, going all day, so that I
found myself completely famished and exhausted when the sun eventually set.
I drooped over my plate after I finished dinner every night; once I’d actually
fallen asleep right at the table and he’d had to carry me to bed. Part of it was that
Edward always made too much food for one, but I was so hungry after swimming
and climbing all day that I ate most of it. Then, full and worn out, I could barely
keep my eyes open. All part of the plan, no doubt.
Exhaustion didn’t help much with my attempts at persuasion. But I didn’t give
up. I tried reasoning, pleading, and grouching, all to no avail. I was usually
unconscious before I could really press my case far. And then my dreams felt so
real—nightmares mostly, made more vivid, I guessed, by the too-bright colors of
the island—that I woke up tired no matter how long I slept.
About a week or so after we’d gotten to the island, I decided to try compromise. It
had worked for us in the past.
I was sleeping in the blue room now. The cleaning crew wasn’t due until the next
day, and so the white room still had a snowy blanket of down. The blue room was
smaller, the bed more reasonably proportioned. The walls were dark, paneled in
teak, and the fittings were all luxurious blue silk.
I’d taken to wearing some of Alice’s lingerie collection to sleep in at night—which
weren’t so revealing compared to the scanty bikinis she’d packed for me when it
came right down to it. I wondered if she’d seen a vision of why I would want such
things, and then shuddered, embarrassed by that thought.
I’d started out slow with innocent ivory satins, worried that revealing more of my
skin would be the opposite of helpful, but ready to try anything. Edward seemed
to notice nothing, as if I were wearing the same ratty old sweats I wore at home.
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The bruises were much better now—yellowing in some places and disappearing
altogether in others—so tonight I pulled out one of the scarier pieces as I got
ready in the paneled bathroom. It was black, lacy, and embarrassing to look at
even when it wasn’t on. I was careful not to look in the mirror before I went back
to the bedroom. I didn’t want to lose my nerve.
I had the satisfaction of watching his eyes pop open wide for just a second before
he controlled his expression.
“What do you think?” I asked, pirouetting so that he could see every angle.
He cleared his throat. “You look beautiful. You always do.”
“Thanks,” I said a bit sourly.
I was too tired to resist climbing quickly into the soft bed. He put his arms
around me and pulled me against his chest, but this was routine—it was too hot
to sleep without his cool body close.
“I’ll make you a deal,” I said sleepily.
“I will not make any deals with you,” he answered.
“You haven’t even heard what I’m offering.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
I sighed. “Dang it. And I really wanted… Oh well.”
He rolled his eyes.
I closed mine and let the bait sit there. I yawned.
It took only a minute—not long enough for me to zonk out.
“All right. What is it you want?”
I gritted my teeth for a second, fighting a smile. If there was one thing he couldn’t
resist, it was an opportunity to give me something.
“Well, I was thinking… I know that the whole Dartmouth thing was just supposed
to be a cover story, but honestly, one semester of college probably wouldn’t kill
me,” I said, echoing his words from long ago, when he’d tried to persuade me to
put off becoming a vampire. “Charlie would get a thrill out of Dartmouth stories, I
bet. Sure, it might be embarrassing if I can’t keep up with all the brainiacs. Still…
eighteen, nineteen. It’s really not such a big difference. It’s not like I’m going to
get crow’s feet in the next year.”
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He was silent for a long moment. Then, in a low voice, he said, “You would wait.
You would stay human.”
I held my tongue, letting the offer sink in.
“Why are you doing this to me?” he said through his teeth, his tone suddenly
angry. “Isn’t it hard enough without all of this?” He grabbed a handful of lace that
was ruffled on my thigh. For a moment, I thought he was going to rip it from the
seam. Then his hand relaxed. “It doesn’t matter. I won’t make any deals with
you.”
“I want to go to college.”
“No, you don’t. And there is nothing that is worth risking your life again. That’s
worth hurting you.”
“But I do want to go. Well, it’s not college as much as it’s that I want—I want to be
human a little while longer.”
He closed his eyes and exhaled through his nose. “You are making me insane,
Bella. Haven’t we had this argument a million times, you always begging to be a
vampire without delay?”
“Yes, but… well, I have a reason to be human that I didn’t have before.”
“What’s that?”
“Guess,” I said, and I dragged myself off the pillows to kiss him.
He kissed me back, but not in a way that made me think I was winning. It was
more like he was being careful not to hurt my feelings; he was completely,
maddeningly in control of himself. Gently, he pulled me away after a moment and
cradled me against his chest.
“You are so human, Bella. Ruled by your hormones.” He chuckled.
“That’s the whole point, Edward. I like this part of being human. I don’t want to
give it up yet. I don’t want to wait through years of being a blood-crazed newborn
for some part of this to come back to me.”
I yawned, and he smiled.
“You’re tired. Sleep, love.” He started humming the lullaby he’d composed for me
when we first met.
“I wonder why I’m so tired,” I muttered sarcastically. “That couldn’t be part of
your scheme or anything.”
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He just chuckled once and went back to humming.
“For as tired as I’ve been, you’d think I’d sleep better.”
The song broke off. “You’ve been sleeping like the dead, Bella. You haven’t said a
word in your sleep since we got here. If it weren’t for the snoring, I’d worry you
were slipping into a coma.”
I ignored the snoring jibe; I didn’t snore. “I haven’t been tossing? That’s weird.
Usually I’m all over the bed when I’m having nightmares. And shouting.”
“You’ve been having nightmares?”
“Vivid ones. They make me so tired.” I yawned. “I can’t believe I haven’t been
babbling about them all night.”
“What are they about?”
“Different things—but the same, you know, because of the colors.”
“Colors?”
“It’s all so bright and real. Usually, when I’m dreaming, I know that I am. With
these, I don’t know I’m asleep. It makes them scarier.”
He sounded disturbed when he spoke again. “What is frightening you?”
I shuddered slightly. “Mostly . . .” I hesitated.
“Mostly?” he prompted.
I wasn’t sure why, but I didn’t want to tell him about the child in my recurring
nightmare; there was something private about that particular horror. So, instead
of giving him the full description, I gave him just one element. Certainly enough
to frighten me or anyone else.
“The Volturi,” I whispered.
He hugged me tighter. “They aren’t going to bother us anymore. You’ll be
immortal soon, and they’ll have no reason.”
I let him comfort me, feeling a little guilty that he’d misunderstood. The
nightmares weren’t like that, exactly. It wasn’t that I was afraid for myself—I was
afraid for the boy.
He wasn’t the same boy as that first dream—the vampire child with the bloodred
eyes who sat on a pile of dead people I loved. This boy I’d dreamed of four times
79
in the last week was definitely human; his cheeks were flushed and his wide eyes
were a soft green. But just like the other child, he shook with fear and desperation
as the Volturi closed in on us.
In this dream that was both new and old, I simply had to protect the unknown
child. There was no other option. At the same time, I knew that I would fail.
He saw the desolation on my face. “What can I do to help?”
I shook it off. “They’re just dreams, Edward.”
“Do you want me to sing to you? I’ll sing all night if it will keep the bad dreams
away.”
“They’re not all bad. Some are nice. So… colorful. Underwater, with the fish and
the coral. It all seems like it’s really happening—I don’t know that I’m dreaming.
Maybe this island is the problem. It’s really bright here.”
“Do you want to go home?”
“No. No, not yet. Can’t we stay awhile longer?”
“We can stay as long as you want, Bella,” he promised me.
“When does the semester start? I wasn’t paying attention before.”
He sighed. He may have started humming again, too, but I was under before I
could be sure.
Later, when I awoke in the dark, it was with shock. The dream had been so very
real… so vivid, so sensory.… I gasped aloud, now, disoriented by the dark room.
Only a second ago, it seemed, I had been under the brilliant sun.
“Bella?” Edward whispered, his arms tight around me, shaking me gently. “Are
you all right, sweetheart?”
“Oh,” I gasped again. Just a dream. Not real. To my utter astonishment, tears
overflowed from my eyes without warning, gushing down my face.
“Bella!” he said—louder, alarmed now. “What’s wrong?” He wiped the tears from
my hot cheeks with cold, frantic fingers, but others followed.
“It was only a dream.” I couldn’t contain the low sob that broke in my voice. The
senseless tears were disturbing, but I couldn’t get control of the staggering grief
that gripped me. I wanted so badly for the dream to be real.
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“It’s okay, love, you’re fine. I’m here.” He rocked me back and forth, a little too
fast to soothe. “Did you have another nightmare? It wasn’t real, it wasn’t real.”
“Not a nightmare.” I shook my head, scrubbing the back of my hand against my
eyes. “It was a good dream.” My voice broke again.
“Then why are you crying?” he asked, bewildered.
“Because I woke up,” I wailed, wrapping my arms around his neck in a chokehold
and sobbing into his throat.
He laughed once at my logic, but the sound was tense with concern.
“Everything’s all right, Bella. Take deep breaths.”
“It was so real,” I cried. “I wanted it to be real.”
“Tell me about it,” he urged. “Maybe that will help.”
“We were on the beach. . . .” I trailed off, pulling back to look with tear-filled eyes
at his anxious angel’s face, dim in the darkness. I stared at him broodingly as the
unreasonable grief began to ebb.
“And?” he finally prompted.
I blinked the tears out of my eyes, torn. “Oh, Edward . . .”
“Tell me, Bella,” he pleaded, eyes wild with worry at the pain in my voice.
But I couldn’t. Instead I clutched my arms around his neck again and locked my
mouth with his feverishly. It wasn’t desire at all—it was need, acute to the point of
pain. His response was instant but quickly followed by his rebuff.
He struggled with me as gently as he could in his surprise, holding me away,
grasping my shoulders.
“No, Bella,” he insisted, looking at me as if he was worried that I’d lost my mind.
My arms dropped, defeated, the bizarre tears spilling in a fresh torrent down my
face, a new sob rising in my throat. He was right—I must be crazy.
He stared at me with confused, anguished eyes.
“I’m s-s-s-orry,” I mumbled.
But he pulled me to him then, hugging me tightly to his marble chest.
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“I can’t, Bella, I can’t!” His moan was agonized.
“Please,” I said, my plea muffled against his skin. “Please, Edward?”
I couldn’t tell if he was moved by the tears trembling in my voice, or if he was
unprepared to deal with the suddenness of my attack, or if his need was simply as
unbearable in that moment as my own. But whatever the reason, he pulled my
lips back to his, surrendering with a groan.
And we began where my dream had left off.
I stayed very still when I woke up in the morning and tried to keep my breathing
even. I was afraid to open my eyes.
I was lying across Edward’s chest, but he was very still and his arms were not
wrapped around me. That was a bad sign. I was afraid to admit I was awake and
face his anger—no matter whom it was directed at today.
Carefully, I peeked through my eyelashes. He was staring up at the dark ceiling,
his arms behind his head. I pulled myself up on my elbow so that I could see his
face better. It was smooth, expressionless.
“How much trouble am I in?” I asked in a small voice.
“Heaps,” he said, but turned his head and smirked at me.
I breathed a sigh of relief. “I am sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean… Well, I don’t know
exactly what that was last night.” I shook my head at the memory of the irrational
tears, the crushing grief.
“You never did tell me what your dream was about.”
“I guess I didn’t—but I sort of showed you what it was about.” I laughed
nervously.
“Oh,” he said. His eyes widened, and then he blinked. “Interesting.”
“It was a very good dream,” I murmured. He didn’t comment, so a few seconds
later I asked, “Am I forgiven?”
“I’m thinking about it.”
I sat up, planning to examine myself—there didn’t seem to be any feathers, at
least. But as I moved, an odd wave of vertigo hit. I swayed and fell back against
the pillows.
“Whoa… head rush.”
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His arms were around me then. “You slept for a long time. Twelve hours.”
“Twelve?” How strange.
I gave myself a quick once-over while I spoke, trying to be inconspicuous about it.
I looked fine. The bruises on my arms were still a week old, yellowing. I stretched
experimentally. I felt fine, too. Well, better than fine, actually.
“Is the inventory complete?”
I nodded sheepishly. “The pillows all appear to have survived.”
“Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for your, er, nightgown.” He nodded toward
the foot of the bed, where several scraps of black lace were strewn across the silk
sheets.
“That’s too bad,” I said. “I liked that one.”
“I did, too.”
“Were there any other casualties?” I asked timidly.
“I’ll have to buy Esme a new bed frame,” he confessed, glancing over his shoulder.
I followed his gaze and was shocked to see that large chunks of wood had
apparently been gouged from the left side of the headboard.
“Hmm.” I frowned. “You’d think I would have heard that.”
“You seem to be extraordinarily unobservant when your attention is otherwise
involved.”
“I was a bit absorbed,” I admitted, blushing a deep red.
He touched my burning cheek and sighed. “I’m really going to miss that.”
I stared at his face, searching for any signs of the anger or remorse I feared. He
gazed back at me evenly, his expression calm but otherwise unreadable.
“How are you feeling?”
He laughed.
“What?” I demanded.
“You look so guilty—like you’ve committed a crime.”
“I feel guilty,” I muttered.
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“So you seduced your all-too-willing husband. That’s not a capital offense.”
He seemed to be teasing.
My cheeks got hotter. “The word seduced implies a certain amount of
premeditation.”
“Maybe that was the wrong word,” he allowed.
“You’re not angry?”
He smiled ruefully. “I’m not angry.”
“Why not?”
“Well . . .” He paused. “I didn’t hurt you, for one thing. It was easier this time, to
control myself, to channel the excesses.” His eyes flickered to the damaged frame
again. “Maybe because I had a better idea of what to expect.”
A hopeful smile started to spread across my face. “I told you that it was all about
practice.”
He rolled his eyes.
My stomach growled, and he laughed. “Breakfast time for the human?” he asked.
“Please,” I said, hopping out of bed. I moved too quickly, though, and had to
stagger drunkenly to regain my balance. He caught me before I could stumble
into the dresser.
“Are you all right?”
“If I don’t have a better sense of equilibrium in my next life, I’m demanding a
refund.”
I cooked this morning, frying up some eggs—too hungry to do anything more
elaborate. Impatient, I flipped them onto a plate after just a few minutes.
“Since when do you eat eggs sunny-side up?” he asked.
“Since now.”
“Do you know how many eggs you’ve gone through in the last week?” He pulled
the trash bin out from under the sink—it was full of empty blue cartons.
“Weird,” I said after swallowing a scorching bite. “This place is messing with my
appetite.” And my dreams, and my already dubious balance. “But I like it here.
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We’ll probably have to leave soon, though, won’t we, to make it to Dartmouth in
time? Wow, I guess we need to find a place to live and stuff, too.”
He sat down next to me. “You can give up the college pretense now—you’ve
gotten what you wanted. And we didn’t agree to a deal, so there are no strings
attached.”
I snorted. “It wasn’t a pretense, Edward. I don’t spend my free time plotting like
some people do. What can we do to wear Bella out today?” I said in a poor
impression of his voice. He laughed, unashamed. “I really do want a little more
time being human.” I leaned over to run my hand across his bare chest. “I have
not had enough.”
He gave me a dubious look. “For this?” he asked, catching my hand as it moved
down his stomach. “Sex was the key all along?” He rolled his eyes. “Why didn’t I
think of that?” he muttered sarcastically. “I could have saved myself a lot of
arguments.”
I laughed. “Yeah, probably.”
“You are so human,” he said again.
“I know.”
A hint of a smile pulled at his lips. “We’re going to Dartmouth? Really?”
“I’ll probably fail out in one semester.”
“I’ll tutor you.” The smile was wide now. “You’re going to love college.”
“Do you think we can find an apartment this late?”
He grimaced, looking guilty. “Well, we sort of already have a house there. You
know, just in case.”
“You bought a house?”
“Real estate is a good investment.”
I raised one eyebrow and then let it go. “So we’re ready, then.”
“I’ll have to see if we can keep your ‘before’ car for a little longer. . . .”
“Yes, heaven forbid I not be protected from tanks.”
He grinned.
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“How much longer can we stay?” I asked.
“We’re fine on time. A few more weeks, if you want. And then we can visit Charlie
before we go to New Hampshire. We could spend Christmas with Renée. . . .”
His words painted a very happy immediate future, one free of pain for everyone
involved. The Jacob-drawer, all but forgotten, rattled, and I amended the
thought—for almost everyone.
This wasn’t getting any easier. Now that I’d discovered exactly how good being
human could be, it was tempting to let my plans drift. Eighteen or nineteen,
nineteen or twenty… Did it really matter? I wouldn’t change so much in a year.
And being human with Edward… The choice got trickier every day.
“A few weeks,” I agreed. And then, because there never seemed to be enough
time, I added, “So I was thinking—you know what I was saying about practice
before?”
He laughed. “Can you hold on to that thought? I hear a boat. The cleaning crew
must be here.”
He wanted me to hold on to that thought. So did that mean he was not going to
give me any more trouble about practicing? I smiled.
“Let me explain the mess in the white room to Gustavo, and then we can go out.
There’s a place in the jungle on the south—”
“I don’t want to go out. I am not hiking all over the island today. I want to stay
here and watch a movie.”
He pursed his lips, trying not to laugh at my disgruntled tone. “All right, whatever
you’d like. Why don’t you pick one out while I get the door?”
“I didn’t hear a knock.”
He cocked his head to the side, listening. A half second later, a faint, timid rap on
the door sounded. He grinned and turned for the hallway.
I wandered over to the shelves under the big TV and started scanning through the
titles. It was hard to decide where to begin. They had more DVDs than a rental
store.
I could hear Edward’s low, velvet voice as he came back down the hall, conversing
fluidly in what I assumed was perfect Portuguese. Another, harsher, human voice
answered in the same tongue.
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Edward led them into the room, pointing toward the kitchen on his way. The two
Brazilians looked incredibly short and dark next to him. One was a round man,
the other a slight female, both their faces creased with lines. Edward gestured to
me with a proud smile, and I heard my name mixed in with a flurry of unfamiliar
words. I flushed a little as I thought of the downy mess in the white room, which
they would soon encounter. The little man smiled at me politely.
But the tiny coffee-skinned woman didn’t smile. She stared at me with a mixture
of shock, worry, and most of all, wide-eyed fear. Before I could react, Edward
motioned for them to follow him toward the chicken coop, and they were gone.
When he reappeared, he was alone. He walked swiftly to my side and wrapped his
arms around me.
“What’s with her?” I whispered urgently, remembering her panicked expression.
He shrugged, unperturbed. “Kaure’s part Ticuna Indian. She was raised to be
more superstitious—or you could call it more aware—than those who live in the
modern world. She suspects what I am, or close enough.” He still didn’t sound
worried. “They have their own legends here. The Libishomen—a blood-drinking
demon who preys exclusively on beautiful women.” He leered at me.
Beautiful women only? Well, that was kind of flattering.
“She looked terrified,” I said.
“She is—but mostly she’s worried about you.”
“Me?”
“She’s afraid of why I have you here, all alone.” He chuckled darkly and then
looked toward the wall of movies. “Oh well, why don’t you choose something for
us to watch? That’s an acceptably human thing to do.”
“Yes, I’m sure a movie will convince her that you’re human.” I laughed and
clasped my arms securely around his neck, stretching up on my tiptoes. He
leaned down so that I could kiss him, and then his arms tightened around me,
lifting me off the floor so he didn’t have to bend.
“Movie, schmovie,” I muttered as his lips moved down my throat, twisting my
fingers in his bronze hair.
Then I heard a gasp, and he put me down abruptly. Kaure stood frozen in the
hallway, feathers in her black hair, a large sack of more feathers in her arms, an
expression of horror on her face. She stared at me, her eyes bugging out, as I
blushed and looked down. Then she recovered herself and murmured something
that, even in an unfamiliar language, was clearly an apology. Edward smiled and
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answered in a friendly tone. She turned her dark eyes away and continued down
the hall.
“She was thinking what I think she was thinking, wasn’t she?” I muttered.
He laughed at my convoluted sentence. “Yes.”
“Here,” I said, reaching out at random and grabbing a movie. “Put this on and we
can pretend to watch it.”
It was an old musical with smiling faces and fluffy dresses on the front.
“Very honeymoonish,” Edward approved.
While actors on the screen danced their way through a perky introduction song, I
lolled on the sofa, snuggled into Edward’s arms.
“Will we move back into the white room now?” I wondered idly.
“I don’t know.… I’ve already mangled the headboard in the other room beyond
repair—maybe if we limit the destruction to one area of the house, Esme might
invite us back someday.”
I smiled widely. “So there will be more destruction?”
He laughed at my expression. “I think it might be safer if it’s premeditated, rather
than if I wait for you to assault me again.”
“It would only be a matter of time,” I agreed casually, but my pulse was racing in
my veins.
“Is there something the matter with your heart?”
“Nope. Healthy as a horse.” I paused. “Did you want to go survey the demolition
zone now?”
“Maybe it would be more polite to wait until we’re alone. You may not notice me
tearing the furniture apart, but it would probably scare them.”
In truth, I’d already forgotten the people in the other room. “Right. Drat.”
Gustavo and Kaure moved quietly through the house while I waited impatiently
for them to finish and tried to pay attention to the happily-ever-after on the
screen. I was starting to get sleepy—though, according to Edward, I’d slept half
the day—when a rough voice startled me. Edward sat up, keeping me cradled
against him, and answered Gustavo in flowing Portuguese. Gustavo nodded and
walked quietly toward the front door.
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“They’re finished,” Edward told me.
“So that would mean that we’re alone now?”
“How about lunch first?” he suggested.
I bit my lip, torn by the dilemma. I was pretty hungry.
With a smile, he took my hand and led me to the kitchen. He knew my face so
well, it didn’t matter that he couldn’t read my mind.
“This is getting out of hand,” I complained when I finally felt full.
“Do you want to swim with the dolphins this afternoon—burn off the calories?”
he asked.
“Maybe later. I had another idea for burning calories.”
“And what was that?”
“Well, there’s an awful lot of headboard left—”
But I didn’t finish. He’d already swept me up into his arms, and his lips silenced
mine as he carried me with inhuman speed to the blue room.
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7. UNEXPECTED
The line of black advanced on me through the shroud-like mist. I could see their
dark ruby eyes glinting with desire, lusting for the kill. Their lips pulled back over
their sharp, wet teeth—some to snarl, some to smile.
I heard the child behind me whimper, but I couldn’t turn to look at him. Though I
was desperate to be sure that he was safe, I could not afford any lapse in focus
now.
They ghosted closer, their black robes billowing slightly with the movement. I
saw their hands curl into bone-colored claws. They started to drift apart, angling
to come at us from all sides. We were surrounded. We were going to die.
And then, like a burst of light from a flash, the whole scene was different. Yet
nothing changed—the Volturi still stalked toward us, poised to kill. All that really
changed was how the picture looked to me. Suddenly, I was hungry for it. I
wanted them to charge. The panic changed to bloodlust as I crouched forward, a
smile on my face, and a growl ripped through my bared teeth.
I jolted upright, shocked out of the dream.
The room was black. It was also steamy hot. Sweat matted my hair at the temples
and rolled down my throat.
I groped the warm sheets and found them empty.
“Edward?”
Just then, my fingers encountered something smooth and flat and stiff. One sheet
of paper, folded in half. I took the note with me and felt my way across the room
to the light switch.
The outside of the note was addressed to Mrs. Cullen.
I’m hoping you won’t wake and notice my absence, but, if you
should, I’ll be back very soon. I’ve just gone to the mainland to
hunt. Go back to sleep and I’ll be here when you wake again. I love
you.
I sighed. We’d been here about two weeks now, so I should have been expecting
that he would have to leave, but I hadn’t been thinking about time. We seemed to
exist outside of time here, just drifting along in a perfect state.
I wiped the sweat off my forehead. I felt absolutely wide awake, though the clock
on the dresser said it was after one. I knew I would never be able to sleep as hot
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and sticky as I felt. Not to mention the fact that if I shut off the light and closed
my eyes, I was sure to see those prowling black figures in my head.
I got up and wandered aimlessly through the dark house, flipping on lights. It felt
so big and empty without Edward there. Different.
I ended up in the kitchen and decided that maybe comfort food was what I
needed.
I poked around in the fridge until I found all the ingredients for fried chicken.
The popping and sizzling of the chicken in the pan was a nice, homey sound; I felt
less nervous while it filled the silence.
It smelled so good that I started eating it right out of the pan, burning my tongue
in the process. By the fifth or sixth bite, though, it had cooled enough for me to
taste it. My chewing slowed. Was there something off about the flavor? I checked
the meat, and it was white all the way through, but I wondered if it was
completely done. I took another experimental bite; I chewed twice. Ugh—
definitely bad. I jumped up to spit it into the sink. Suddenly, the chicken-and-oil
smell was revolting. I took the whole plate and shook it into the garbage, then
opened the windows to chase away the scent. A coolish breeze had picked up
outside. It felt good on my skin.
I was abruptly exhausted, but I didn’t want to go back to the hot room. So I
opened more windows in the TV room and lay on the couch right beneath them. I
turned on the same movie we’d watched the other day and quickly fell asleep to
the bright opening song.
When I opened my eyes again, the sun was halfway up the sky, but it was not the
light that woke me. Cool arms were around me, pulling me against him. At the
same time, a sudden pain twisted in my stomach, almost like the aftershock of
catching a punch in the gut.
“I’m sorry,” Edward was murmuring as he wiped a wintry hand across my
clammy forehead. “So much for thoroughness. I didn’t think about how hot you
would be with me gone. I’ll have an air conditioner installed before I leave again.”
I couldn’t concentrate on what he was saying. “Excuse me!” I gasped, struggling
to get free of his arms.
He dropped his hold automatically. “Bella?”
I streaked for the bathroom with my hand clamped over my mouth. I felt so
horrible that I didn’t even care—at first—that he was with me while I crouched
over the toilet and was violently sick.
“Bella? What’s wrong?”
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I couldn’t answer yet. He held me anxiously, keeping my hair out of my face,
waiting till I could breathe again.
“Damn rancid chicken,” I moaned.
“Are you all right?” His voice was strained.
“Fine,” I panted. “It’s just food poisoning. You don’t need to see this. Go away.”
“Not likely, Bella.”
“Go away,” I moaned again, struggling to get up so I could rinse my mouth out.
He helped me gently, ignoring the weak shoves I aimed at him.
After my mouth was clean, he carried me to the bed and sat me down carefully,
supporting me with his arms.
“Food poisoning?”
“Yeah,” I croaked. “I made some chicken last night. It tasted off, so I threw it out.
But I ate a few bites first.”
He put a cold hand on my forehead. It felt nice. “How do you feel now?”
I thought about that for a moment. The nausea had passed as suddenly as it had
come, and I felt like I did any other morning. “Pretty normal. A little hungry,
actually.”
He made me wait an hour and keep down a big glass of water before he fried me
some eggs. I felt perfectly normal, just a little tired from being up in the middle of
the night. He put on CNN—we’d been so out of touch, world war three could have
broken out and we wouldn’t have known—and I lounged drowsily across his lap.
I got bored with the news and twisted around to kiss him. Just like this morning,
a sharp pain hit my stomach when I moved. I lurched away from him, my hand
tight over my mouth. I knew I’d never make it to the bathroom this time, so I ran
to the kitchen sink.
He held my hair again.
“Maybe we should go back to Rio, see a doctor,” he suggested anxiously when I
was rinsing my mouth afterward.
I shook my head and edged toward the hallway. Doctors meant needles. “I’ll be
fine right after I brush my teeth.”
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When my mouth tasted better, I searched through my suitcase for the little firstaid
kit Alice had packed for me, full of human things like bandages and
painkillers and—my object now—Pepto-Bismol. Maybe I could settle my stomach
and calm Edward down.
But before I found the Pepto, I happened across something else that Alice had
packed for me. I picked up the small blue box and stared at it in my hand for a
long moment, forgetting everything else.
Then I started counting in my head. Once. Twice. Again.
The knock startled me; the little box fell back into the suitcase.
“Are you well?” Edward asked through the door. “Did you get sick again?”
“Yes and no,” I said, but my voice sounded strangled.
“Bella? Can I please come in?” Worriedly now.
“O… kay?”
He came in and appraised my position, sitting cross-legged on the floor by the
suitcase, and my expression, blank and staring. He sat next to me, his hand going
to my forehead at once.
“What’s wrong?”
“How many days has it been since the wedding?” I whispered.
“Seventeen,” he answered automatically. “Bella, what is it?”
I was counting again. I held up a finger, cautioning him to wait, and mouthed the
numbers to myself. I’d been wrong about the days before. We’d been here longer
than I’d thought. I started over again.
“Bella!” he whispered urgently. “I’m losing my mind over here.”
I tried to swallow. It didn’t work. So I reached into the suitcase and fumbled
around until I found the little blue box of tampons again. I held them up silently.
He stared at me in confusion. “What? Are you trying to pass this illness off as
PMS?”
“No,” I managed to choke out. “No, Edward. I’m trying to tell you that my period
is five days late.”
His facial expression didn’t change. It was like I hadn’t spoken.
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“I don’t think I have food poisoning,” I added.
He didn’t respond. He had turned into a sculpture.
“The dreams,” I mumbled to myself in a flat voice. “Sleeping so much. The crying.
All that food. Oh. Oh. Oh.”
Edward’s stare seemed glassy, as if he couldn’t see me anymore.
Reflexively, almost involuntarily, my hand dropped to my stomach.
“Oh!” I squeaked again.
I lurched to my feet, slipping out of Edward’s unmoving hands. I’d never changed
out of the little silk shorts and camisole I’d worn to bed. I yanked the blue fabric
out of the way and stared at my stomach.
“Impossible,” I whispered.
I had absolutely no experience with pregnancy or babies or any part of that world,
but I wasn’t an idiot. I’d seen enough movies and TV shows to know that this
wasn’t how it worked. I was only five days late. If I was pregnant, my body
wouldn’t even have registered that fact. I would not have morning sickness. I
would not have changed my eating or sleeping habits.
And I most definitely would not have a small but defined bump sticking out
between my hips.
I twisted my torso back and forth, examining it from every angle, as if it would
disappear in exactly the right light. I ran my fingers over the subtle bulge,
surprised by how rock hard it felt under my skin.
“Impossible,” I said again, because, bulge or no bulge, period or no period (and
there was definitely no period, though I’d never been late a day in my life), there
was no way I could be pregnant. The only person I’d ever had sex with was a
vampire, for crying out loud.
A vampire who was still frozen on the floor with no sign of ever moving again.
So there had to be some other explanation, then. Something wrong with me. A
strange South American disease with all the signs of pregnancy, only
accelerated…
And then I remembered something—a morning of internet research that seemed
a lifetime ago now. Sitting at the old desk in my room at Charlie’s house with gray
light glowing dully through the window, staring at my ancient, wheezing
computer, reading avidly through a web-site called “Vampires A–Z.” It had been
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less than twenty-four hours since Jacob Black, trying to entertain me with the
Quileute legends he didn’t believe in yet, had told me that Edward was a vampire.
I’d scanned anxiously through the first entries on the site, which was dedicated to
vampire myths around the world. The Filipino Danag, the Hebrew Estrie, the
Romanian Varacolaci, the Italian Stregoni benefici (a legend actually based on
my new father-in-law’s early exploits with the Volturi, not that I’d known
anything about that at the time)… I’d paid less and less attention as the stories
had grown more and more implausible. I only remembered vague bits of the later
entries. They mostly seemed like excuses dreamed up to explain things like infant
mortality rates—and infidelity. No, honey, I’m not having an affair! That sexy
woman you saw sneaking out of the house was an evil succubus. I’m lucky I
escaped with my life! (Of course, with what I knew now about Tanya and her
sisters, I suspected that some of those excuses had been nothing but fact.) There
had been one for the ladies, too. How can you accuse me of cheating on you—
just because you’ve come home from a two-year sea voyage and I’m pregnant?
It was the incubus. He hypnotized me with his mystical vampire powers.…
That had been part of the definition of the incubus—the ability to father children
with his hapless prey.
I shook my head, dazed. But…
I thought of Esme and especially Rosalie. Vampires couldn’t have children. If it
were possible, Rosalie would have found a way by now. The incubus myth was
nothing but a fable.
Except that… well, there was a difference. Of course Rosalie could not conceive a
child, because she was frozen in the state in which she passed from human to
inhuman. Totally unchanging. And human women’s bodies had to change to bear
children. The constant change of a monthly cycle for one thing, and then the
bigger changes needed to accommodate a growing child. Rosalie’s body couldn’t
change.
But mine could. Mine did. I touched the bump on my stomach that had not been
there yesterday.
And human men—well, they pretty much stayed the same from puberty to death.
I remembered a random bit of trivia, gleaned from who knows where: Charlie
Chaplin was in his seventies when he fathered his youngest child. Men had no
such thing as child-bearing years or cycles of fertility.
Of course, how would anyone know if vampire men could father children, when
their partners were not able? What vampire on earth would have the restraint
necessary to test the theory with a human woman? Or the inclination?
I could think of only one.
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Part of my head was sorting through fact and memory and speculation, while the
other half—the part that controlled the ability to move even the smallest
muscles—was stunned beyond the capacity for normal operations. I couldn’t
move my lips to speak, though I wanted to ask Edward to please explain to me
what was going on. I needed to go back to where he sat, to touch him, but my
body wouldn’t follow instructions. I could only stare at my shocked eyes in the
mirror, my fingers gingerly pressed against the swelling on my torso.
And then, like in my vivid nightmare last night, the scene abruptly transformed.
Everything I saw in the mirror looked completely different, though nothing
actually was different.
What happened to change everything was that a soft little nudge bumped my
hand—from inside my body.
In the same moment, Edward’s phone rang, shrill and demanding. Neither of us
moved. It rang again and again. I tried to tune it out while I pressed my fingers to
my stomach, waiting. In the mirror my expression was no longer bewildered—it
was wondering now. I barely noticed when the strange, silent tears started
streaming down my cheeks.
The phone kept ringing. I wished Edward would answer it—I was having a
moment. Possibly the biggest of my life.
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Finally, the annoyance broke through everything else. I got down on my knees
next to Edward—I found myself moving more carefully, a thousand times more
aware of the way each motion felt—and patted his pockets until I found the
phone. I half-expected him to thaw out and answer it himself, but he was
perfectly still.
I recognized the number, and I could easily guess why she was calling.
“Hi, Alice,” I said. My voice wasn’t much better than before. I cleared my throat.
“Bella? Bella, are you okay?”
“Yeah. Um. Is Carlisle there?”
“He is. What’s the problem?”
“I’m not… one hundred percent… sure. . . .”
“Is Edward all right?” she asked warily. She called Carlisle’s name away from the
phone and then demanded, “Why didn’t he pick up the phone?” before I could
answer her first question.
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“I’m not sure.”
“Bella, what’s going on? I just saw—”
“What did you see?”
There was a silence. “Here’s Carlisle,” she finally said.
It felt like ice water had been injected in my veins. If Alice had seen a vision of me
with a green-eyed, angel-faced child in my arms, she would have answered me,
wouldn’t she?
While I waited through the split second it took for Carlisle to speak, the vision I’d
imagined for Alice danced behind my lids. A tiny, beautiful little baby, even more
beautiful than the boy in my dream—a tiny Edward in my arms. Warmth shot
through my veins, chasing the ice away.
“Bella, it’s Carlisle. What’s going on?”
“I—” I wasn’t sure how to answer. Would he laugh at my conclusions, tell me I
was crazy? Was I just having another colorful dream? “I’m a little worried about
Edward.… Can vampires go into shock?”
“Has he been harmed?” Carlisle’s voice was suddenly urgent.
“No, no,” I assured him. “Just… taken by surprise.”
“I don’t understand, Bella.”
“I think… well, I think that… maybe… I might be . . .” I took a deep breath.
“Pregnant.”
As if to back me up, there was another tiny nudge in my abdomen. My hand flew
to my stomach.
After a long pause, Carlisle’s medical training kicked in.
“When was the first day of your last menstrual cycle?”
“Sixteen days before the wedding.” I’d done the mental math thoroughly enough
just before to be able to answer with certainty.
“How do you feel?”
“Weird,” I told him, and my voice broke. Another trickle of tears dribbled down
my cheeks. “This is going to sound crazy—look, I know it’s way too early for any
of this. Maybe I am crazy. But I’m having bizarre dreams and eating all the time
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and crying and throwing up and… and… I swear something moved inside me just
now.”
Edward’s head snapped up.
I sighed in relief.
Edward held his hand out for the phone, his face white and hard.
“Um, I think Edward wants to talk to you.”
“Put him on,” Carlisle said in a strained voice.
Not entirely sure that Edward could talk, I put the phone in his outstretched
hand.
He pressed it to his ear. “Is it possible?” he whispered.
He listened for a long time, staring blankly at nothing.
“And Bella?” he asked. His arm wrapped around me as he spoke, pulling me close
into his side.
He listened for what seemed like a long time and then said, “Yes. Yes, I will.”
He pulled the phone away from his ear and pressed the “end” button. Right away,
he dialed a new number.
“What did Carlisle say?” I asked impatiently.
Edward answered in a lifeless voice. “He thinks you’re pregnant.”
The words sent a warm shiver down my spine. The little nudger fluttered inside
me.
“Who are you calling now?” I asked as he put the phone back to his ear.
“The airport. We’re going home.”
Edward was on the phone for more than an hour without a break. I guessed that
he was arranging our flight home, but I couldn’t be sure because he wasn’t
speaking English. It sounded like he was arguing; he spoke through his teeth a
lot.
While he argued, he packed. He whirled around the room like an angry tornado,
leaving order rather than destruction in his path. He threw a set of my clothes on
the bed without looking at them, so I assumed it was time for me to get dressed.
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He continued with his argument while I changed, gesturing with sudden, agitated
movements.
When I could no longer bear the violent energy radiating out of him, I quietly left
the room. His manic concentration made me sick to my stomach—not like the
morning sickness, just uncomfortable. I would wait somewhere else for his mood
to pass. I couldn’t talk to this icy, focused Edward who honestly frightened me a
little.
Once again, I ended up in the kitchen. There was a bag of pretzels in the
cupboard. I started chewing on them absently, staring out the window at the sand
and rocks and trees and ocean, everything glittering in the sun.
Someone nudged me.
“I know,” I said. “I don’t want to go, either.”
I stared out the window for a moment, but the nudger didn’t respond.
“I don’t understand,” I whispered. “What is wrong here?”
Surprising, absolutely. Astonishing, even. But wrong?
No.
So why was Edward so furious? He was the one who had actually wished out loud
for a shotgun wedding.
I tried to reason through it.
Maybe it wasn’t so confusing that Edward wanted us to go home right away. He’d
want Carlisle to check me out, make sure my assumption was right—though there
was absolutely no doubt in my head at this point. Probably they’d want to figure
out why I was already so pregnant, with the bump and the nudging and all of
that. That wasn’t normal.
Once I thought of this, I was sure I had it. He must be so worried about the baby.
I hadn’t gotten around to freaking out yet. My brain worked slower than his—it
was still stuck marveling over the picture it had conjured up before: the tiny child
with Edward’s eyes—green, as his had been when he was human—lying fair and
beautiful in my arms. I hoped he would have Edward’s face exactly, with no
interference from mine.
It was funny how abruptly and entirely necessary this vision had become. From
that first little touch, the whole world had shifted. Where before there was just
one thing I could not live without, now there were two. There was no division—
my love was not split between them now; it wasn’t like that. It was more like my
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heart had grown, swollen up to twice its size in that moment. All that extra space,
already filled. The increase was almost dizzying.
I’d never really understood Rosalie’s pain and resentment before. I’d never
imagined myself a mother, never wanted that. It had been a piece of cake to
promise Edward that I didn’t care about giving up children for him, because I
truly didn’t. Children, in the abstract, had never appealed to me. They seemed to
be loud creatures, often dripping some form of goo. I’d never had much to do
with them. When I’d dreamed of Renée providing me with a brother, I’d always
imagined an older brother. Someone to take care of me, rather than the other way
around.
This child, Edward’s child, was a whole different story.
I wanted him like I wanted air to breathe. Not a choice—a necessity.
Maybe I just had a really bad imagination. Maybe that was why I’d been unable to
imagine that I would like being married until after I already was—unable to see
that I would want a baby until after one was already coming.…
As I put my hand on my stomach, waiting for the next nudge, tears streaked
down my cheeks again.
“Bella?”
I turned, made wary by the tone of his voice. It was too cold, too careful. His face
matched his voice, empty and hard.
And then he saw that I was crying.
“Bella!” He crossed the room in a flash and put his hands on my face. “Are you in
pain?”
“No, no—”
He pulled me against his chest. “Don’t be afraid. We’ll be home in sixteen hours.
You’ll be fine. Carlisle will be ready when we get there. We’ll take care of this, and
you’ll be fine, you’ll be fine.”
“Take care of this? What do you mean?”
He leaned away and looked me in the eye. “We’re going to get that thing out
before it can hurt any part of you. Don’t be scared. I won’t let it hurt you.”
“That thing?” I gasped.
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He looked sharply away from me, toward the front door. “Dammit! I forgot
Gustavo was due today. I’ll get rid of him and be right back.” He darted out of the
room.
I clutched the counter for support. My knees were wobbly.
Edward had just called my little nudger a thing. He said Carlisle would get it out.
“No,” I whispered.
I’d gotten it wrong before. He didn’t care about the baby at all. He wanted to hurt
him. The beautiful picture in my head shifted abruptly, changed into something
dark. My pretty baby crying, my weak arms not enough to protect him.…
What could I do? Would I be able to reason with them? What if I couldn’t? Did
this explain Alice’s strange silence on the phone? Is that what she’d seen? Edward
and Carlisle killing that pale, perfect child before he could live?
“No,” I whispered again, my voice stronger. That could not be. I would not allow
it.
I heard Edward speaking Portuguese again. Arguing again. His voice got closer,
and I heard him grunt in exasperation. Then I heard another voice, low and
timid. A woman’s voice.
He came into the kitchen ahead of her and went straight to me. He wiped the
tears from my cheeks and murmured in my ear through the thin, hard line of his
lips.
“She’s insisting on leaving the food she brought—she made us dinner.” If he had
been less tense, less furious, I knew he would have rolled his eyes. “It’s an
excuse—she wants to make sure I haven’t killed you yet.” His voice went ice cold
at the end.
Kaure edged nervously around the corner with a covered dish in her hands. I
wished I could speak Portuguese, or that my Spanish was less rudimentary, so
that I could try to thank this woman who had dared to anger a vampire just to
check on me.
Her eyes flickered between the two of us. I saw her measuring the color in my
face, the moisture in my eyes. Mumbling something I didn’t understand, she put
the dish on the counter.
Edward snapped something at her; I’d never heard him be so impolite before. She
turned to go, and the whirling motion of her long skirt wafted the smell of the
food into my face. It was strong—onions and fish. I gagged and whirled for the
sink. I felt Edward’s hands on my forehead and heard his soothing murmur
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through the roaring in my ears. His hands disappeared for a second, and I heard
the refrigerator slam shut. Mercifully, the smell disappeared with the sound, and
Edward’s hands were cooling my clammy face again. It was over quickly.
I rinsed my mouth in the tap while he caressed the side of my face.
There was a tentative little nudge in my womb.
It’s okay. We’re okay, I thought toward the bump.
Edward turned me around, pulling me into his arms. I rested my head on his
shoulder. My hands, instinctively, folded over my stomach.
I heard a little gasp and I looked up.
The woman was still there, hesitating in the doorway with her hands halfoutstretched
as if she had been looking for some way to help. Her eyes were
locked on my hands, popping wide with shock. Her mouth hung open.
Then Edward gasped, too, and he suddenly turned to face the woman, pushing
me slightly behind his body. His arm wrapped across my torso, like he was
holding me back.
Suddenly, Kaure was shouting at him—loudly, furiously, her unintelligible words
flying across the room like knives. She raised her tiny fist in the air and took two
steps forward, shaking it at him. Despite her ferocity, it was easy to see the terror
in her eyes.
Edward stepped toward her, too, and I clutched at his arm, frightened for the
woman. But when he interrupted her tirade, his voice took me by surprise,
especially considering how sharp he’d been with her when she wasn’t screeching
at him. It was low now; it was pleading. Not only that, but the sound was
different, more guttural, the cadence off. I didn’t think he was speaking
Portuguese anymore.
For a moment, the woman stared at him in wonder, and then her eyes narrowed
as she barked out a long question in the same alien tongue.
I watched as his face grew sad and serious, and he nodded once. She took a quick
step back and crossed herself.
He reached out to her, gesturing toward me and then resting his hand against my
cheek. She replied angrily again, waving her hands accusingly toward him, and
then gestured to him. When she finished, he pleaded again with the same low,
urgent voice.
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Her expression changed—she stared at him with doubt plain on her face as he
spoke, her eyes repeatedly flashing to my confused face. He stopped speaking,
and she seemed to be deliberating something. She looked back and forth between
the two of us, and then, unconsciously it seemed, took a step forward.
She made a motion with her hands, miming a shape like a balloon jutting out
from her stomach. I started—did her legends of the predatory blood-drinker
include this? Could she possibly know something about what was growing inside
me?
She walked a few steps forward deliberately this time and asked a few brief
questions, which he responded to tensely. Then he became the questioner—one
quick query. She hesitated and then slowly shook her head. When he spoke again,
his voice was so agonized that I looked up at him in shock. His face was drawn
with pain.
In answer, she walked slowly forward until she was close enough to lay her small
hand on top of mine, over my stomach. She spoke one word in Portuguese.
“Morte,” she sighed quietly. Then she turned, her shoulders bent as if the
conversation had aged her, and left the room.
I knew enough Spanish for that one.
Edward was frozen again, staring after her with the tortured expression fixed on
his face. A few moments later, I heard a boat’s engine putter to life and then fade
into the distance.
Edward did not move until I started for the bathroom. Then his hand caught my
shoulder.
“Where are you going?” His voice was a whisper of pain.
“To brush my teeth again.”
“Don’t worry about what she said. It’s nothing but legends, old lies for the sake of
entertainment.”
“I didn’t understand anything,” I told him, though it wasn’t entirely true. As if I
could discount something because it was a legend. My life was circled by legend
on every side. They were all true.
“I packed your toothbrush. I’ll get it for you.”
He walked ahead of me to the bedroom.
“Are we leaving soon?” I called after him.
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“As soon as you’re done.”
He waited for my toothbrush to repack it, pacing silently around the bedroom. I
handed it to him when I was finished.
“I’ll get the bags into the boat.”
“Edward—”
He turned back. “Yes?”
I hesitated, trying to think of some way to get a few seconds alone. “Could you…
pack some of the food? You know, in case I get hungry again.”
“Of course,” he said, his eyes suddenly soft. “Don’t worry about anything. We’ll
get to Carlisle in just a few hours, really. This will all be over soon.”
I nodded, not trusting my voice.
He turned and left the room, one big suitcase in each hand.
I whirled and scooped up the phone he’d left on the counter. It was very unlike
him to forget things—to forget that Gustavo was coming, to leave his phone lying
here. He was so stressed he was barely himself.
I flipped it open and scrolled through the preprogrammed numbers. I was glad he
had the sound turned off, afraid that he would catch me. Would he be at the boat
now? Or back already? Would he hear me from the kitchen if I whispered?
I found the number I wanted, one I had never called before in my life. I pressed
the “send” button and crossed my fingers.
“Hello?” the voice like golden wind chimes answered.
“Rosalie?” I whispered. “It’s Bella. Please. You have to help me.”
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BOOK TWO
Jacob
CONTENTS
Preface
8. Waiting For The Damn Fight To Start Already
9. Sure As Hell Didn’t See That One Coming
10. Why Didn’t I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I’m An Idiot.
11. The Two Things At The Very Top Of My Things-I-Never-Want-To-Do List
12. Some People Just Don’t Grasp The Concept Of “Unwelcome”
13. Good Thing I’ve Got A Strong Stomach
14. You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty For Being Rude To Vampires
15. Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock
16. Too-Much-Information Alert
17. What Do I Look Like? The Wizard Of Oz? You Need A Brain? You Need A
Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.
18. There Are No Words For This.
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And yet, to say the truth,
reason and love keep little company together nowadays.
William Shakespeare
A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Act III, Scene i
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PREFACE
Life sucks, and then you die.
Yeah, I should be so lucky.
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8. WAITING FOR THE DAMN FIGHT TO START
ALREADY
“Jeez, Paul, don’t you freaking have a home of your own?”
Paul, lounging across my whole couch, watching some stupid baseball game on
my crappy TV, just grinned at me and then—real slow—he lifted one Dorito from
the bag in his lap and wedged it into his mouth in one piece.
“You better’ve brought those with you.”
Crunch. “Nope,” he said while chewing. “Your sister said to go ahead and help
myself to anything I wanted.”
I tried to make my voice sound like I wasn’t about to punch him. “Is Rachel here
now?”
It didn’t work. He heard where I was going and shoved the bag behind his back.
The bag crackled as he smashed it into the cushion. The chips crunched into
pieces. Paul’s hands came up in fists, close to his face like a boxer.
“Bring it, kid. I don’t need Rachel to protect me.”
I snorted. “Right. Like you wouldn’t go crying to her first chance.”
He laughed and relaxed into the sofa, dropping his hands. “I’m not going to go
tattle to a girl. If you got in a lucky hit, that would be just between the two of us.
And vice versa, right?”
Nice of him to give me an invitation. I made my body slump like I’d given up.
“Right.”
His eyes shifted to the TV.
I lunged.
His nose made a very satisfying crunching sound of its own when my fist
connected. He tried to grab me, but I danced out of the way before he could find a
hold, the ruined bag of Doritos in my left hand.
“You broke my nose, idiot.”
“Just between us, right, Paul?”
I went to put the chips away. When I turned around, Paul was repositioning his
nose before it could set crooked. The blood had already stopped; it looked like it
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had no source as it trickled down his lips and off his chin. He cussed, wincing as
he pulled at the cartilage.
“You are such a pain, Jacob. I swear, I’d rather hang out with Leah.”
“Ouch. Wow, I bet Leah’s really going to love to hear that you want to spend some
quality time with her. It’ll just warm the cockles of her heart.”
“You’re going to forget I said that.”
“Of course. I’m sure it won’t slip out.”
“Ugh,” he grunted, and then settled back into the couch, wiping the leftover blood
on the collar of his t-shirt. “You’re fast, kid. I’ll give you that.” He turned his
attention back to the fuzzy game.
I stood there for a second, and then I stalked off to my room, muttering about
alien abductions.
Back in the day, you could count on Paul for a fight pretty much whenever. You
didn’t have to hit him then—any mild insult would do. It didn’t take a lot to flip
him out of control. Now, of course, when I really wanted a good snarling, ripping,
break-the-trees-down match, he had to be all mellow.
Wasn’t it bad enough that yet another member of the pack had imprinted—
because, really, that made four of ten now! When would it stop? Stupid myth was
supposed to be rare, for crying out loud! All this mandatory love-at-first-sight
was completely sickening!
Did it have to be my sister? Did it have to be Paul?
When Rachel’d come home from Washington State at the end of the summer
semester—graduated early, the nerd—my biggest worry’d been that it would be
hard keeping the secret around her. I wasn’t used to covering things up in my
own home. It made me real sympathetic to kids like Embry and Collin, whose
parents didn’t know they were werewolves. Embry’s mom thought he was going
through some kind of rebellious stage. He was permanently grounded for
constantly sneaking out, but, of course, there wasn’t much he could do about that.
She’d check his room every night, and every night it would be empty again. She’d
yell and he’d take it in silence, and then go through it all again the next day. We’d
tried to talk Sam into giving Embry a break and letting his mom in on the gig, but
Embry’d said he didn’t mind. The secret was too important.
So I’d been all geared up to be keeping that secret. And then, two days after
Rachel got home, Paul ran into her on the beach. Bada bing, bada boom—true
love! No secrets necessary when you found your other half, and all that
imprinting werewolf garbage.
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Rachel got the whole story. And I got Paul as a brother-in-law someday. I knew
Billy wasn’t much thrilled about it, either. But he handled it better than I did.
’Course, he did escape to the Clearwaters’ more often than usual these days. I
didn’t see where that was so much better. No Paul, but plenty of Leah.
I wondered—would a bullet through my temple actually kill me or just leave a
really big mess for me to clean up?
I threw myself down on the bed. I was tired—hadn’t slept since my last patrol—
but I knew I wasn’t going to sleep. My head was too crazy. The thoughts bounced
around inside my skull like a disoriented swarm of bees. Noisy. Now and then
they stung. Must be hornets, not bees. Bees died after one sting. And the same
thoughts were stinging me again and again.
This waiting was driving me insane. It had been almost four weeks. I’d expected,
one way or another, the news would have come by now. I’d sat up nights
imagining what form it would take.
Charlie sobbing on the phone—Bella and her husband lost in an accident. A plane
crash? That would be hard to fake. Unless the leeches didn’t mind killing a bunch
of bystanders to authenticate it, and why would they? Maybe a small plane
instead. They probably had one of those to spare.
Or would the murderer come home alone, unsuccessful in his attempt to make
her one of them? Or not even getting that far. Maybe he’d smashed her like a bag
of chips in his drive to get some? Because her life was less important to him than
his own pleasure…
The story would be so tragic—Bella lost in a horrible accident. Victim of a
mugging gone wrong. Choking to death at dinner. A car accident, like my mom.
So common. Happened all the time.
Would he bring her home? Bury her here for Charlie? Closed-casket ceremony, of
course. My mom’s coffin had been nailed shut.…
I could only hope that he’d come back here, within my reach.
Maybe there would be no story at all. Maybe Charlie would call to ask my dad if
he’d heard anything from Dr. Cullen, who just didn’t show up to work one day.
The house abandoned. No answer on any of the Cullens’ phones. The mystery
picked up by some second-rate news program, foul play suspected…
Maybe the big white house would burn to the ground, everyone trapped inside. Of
course, they’d need bodies for that one. Eight humans of roughly the right size.
Burned beyond recognition—beyond the help of dental records.
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Either of those would be tricky—for me, that is. It would be hard to find them if
they didn’t want to be found. Of course, I had forever to look. If you had forever,
you could check out every single piece of straw in the haystack, one by one, to see
if it was the needle.
Right now, I wouldn’t mind dismantling a haystack. At least that would be
something to do. I hated knowing that I could be losing my chance. Giving the
bloodsuckers the time to escape, if that was their plan.
We could go tonight. We could kill every one of them that we could find.
I liked that plan because I knew Edward well enough to know that, if I killed any
one of his coven, I would get my chance at him, too. He’d come for revenge. And
I’d give it to him—I wouldn’t let my brothers take him down as a pack. It would
be just him and me. May the better man win.
But Sam wouldn’t hear of it. We’re not going to break the treaty. Let them make
the breach. Just because we had no proof that the Cullens had done anything
wrong. Yet. You had to add the yet, because we all knew it was inevitable. Bella
was either coming back one of them, or not coming back. Either way, a human
life had been lost. And that meant game on.
In the other room, Paul brayed like a mule. Maybe he’d switched to a comedy.
Maybe the commercial was funny. Whatever. It grated on my nerves.
I thought about breaking his nose again. But it wasn’t Paul I wanted to fight with.
Not really.
I tried to listen to other sounds, the wind in the trees. It wasn’t the same, not
through human ears. There were a million voices in the wind that I couldn’t hear
in this body.
But these ears were sensitive enough. I could hear past the trees, to the road, the
sounds of the cars coming around that last bend where you could finally see the
beach—the vista of the islands and the rocks and the big blue ocean stretching to
the horizon. The La Push cops liked to hang out right around there. Tourists
never noticed the reduced speed limit sign on the other side of the road.
I could hear the voices outside the souvenir shop on the beach. I could hear the
cowbell clanging as the door opened and closed. I could hear Embry’s mom at the
cash register, printing out a receipt.
I could hear the tide raking across the beach rocks. I could hear the kids squeal as
the icy water rushed in too fast for them to get out of the way. I could hear the
moms complain about the wet clothes. And I could hear a familiar voice.…
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I was listening so hard that the sudden burst of Paul’s donkey laugh made me
jump half off the bed.
“Get out of my house,” I grumbled. Knowing he wouldn’t pay any attention, I
followed my own advice. I wrenched open my window and climbed out the back
way so that I wouldn’t see Paul again. It would be too tempting. I knew I would
hit him again, and Rachel was going to be pissed enough already. She’d see the
blood on his shirt, and she’d blame me right away without waiting for proof. Of
course, she’d be right, but still.
I paced down to the shore, my fists in my pockets. Nobody looked at me twice
when I went through the dirt lot by First Beach. That was one nice thing about
summer—no one cared if you wore nothing but shorts.
I followed the familiar voice I’d heard and found Quil easy enough. He was on the
south end of the crescent, avoiding the bigger part of the tourist crowd. He kept
up a constant stream of warnings.
“Keep out of the water, Claire. C’mon. No, don’t. Oh! Nice, kid. Seriously, do you
want Emily to yell at me? I’m not bringing you back to the beach again if you
don’t—Oh yeah? Don’t—ugh. You think that’s funny, do you? Hah! Who’s
laughing now, huh?”
He had the giggling toddler by the ankle when I reached them. She had a bucket
in one hand, and her jeans were drenched. He had a huge wet mark down the
front of his t-shirt.
“Five bucks on the baby girl,” I said.
“Hey, Jake.”
Claire squealed and threw her bucket at Quil’s knees. “Down, down!”
He set her carefully on her feet and she ran to me. She wrapped her arms around
my leg.
“Unca Jay!”
“How’s it going, Claire?”
She giggled. “Qwil aaaaawl wet now.”
“I can see that. Where’s your mama?”
“Gone, gone, gone,” Claire sang, “Cwaire pway wid Qwil aaaawl day. Cwaire
nebber gowin home.” She let go of me and ran to Quil. He scooped her up and
slung her onto his shoulders.
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“Sounds like somebody’s hit the terrible twos.”
“Threes actually,” Quil corrected. “You missed the party. Princess theme. She
made me wear a crown, and then Emily suggested they all try out her new play
makeup on me.”
“Wow, I’m really sorry I wasn’t around to see that.”
“Don’t worry, Emily has pictures. Actually, I look pretty hot.”
“You’re such a patsy.”
Quil shrugged. “Claire had a great time. That was the point.”
I rolled my eyes. It was hard being around imprinted people. No matter what
stage they were in—about to tie the knot like Sam or just a much-abused nanny
like Quil—the peace and certainty they always radiated was downright pukeinducing.
Claire squealed on his shoulders and pointed at the ground. “Pity wock, Qwil! For
me, for me!”
“Which one, kiddo? The red one?”
“No wed!”
Quil dropped to his knees—Claire screamed and pulled his hair like a horse’s
reigns.
“This blue one?”
“No, no, no…,” the little girl sang, thrilled with her new game.
The weird part was, Quil was having just as much fun as she was. He didn’t have
that face on that so many of the tourist dads and moms were wearing—the whenis-
nap-time? face. You never saw a real parent so jazzed to play whatever stupid
kiddie sport their rugrat could think up. I’d seen Quil play peekaboo for an hour
straight without getting bored.
And I couldn’t even make fun of him for it—I envied him too much.
Though I did think it sucked that he had a good fourteen years of monkitude
ahead of him until Claire was his age—for Quil, at least, it was a good thing
werewolves didn’t get older. But even all that time didn’t seem to bother him
much.
“Quil, you ever think about dating?” I asked.
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“Huh?”
“No, no yewwo!” Claire crowed.
“You know. A real girl. I mean, just for now, right? On your nights off babysitting
duty.”
Quil stared at me, his mouth hanging open.
“Pity wock! Pity wock!” Claire screamed when he didn’t offer her another choice.
She smacked him on the head with her little fist.
“Sorry, Claire-bear. How about this pretty purple one?”
“No,” she giggled. “No poopoh.”
“Give me a clue. I’m begging, kid.”
Claire thought it over. “Gween,” she finally said.
Quil stared at the rocks, studying them. He picked four rocks in different shades
of green, and offered them to her.
“Did I get it?”
“Yay!”
“Which one?”
“Aaaaawl ob dem!!”
She cupped her hands and he poured the small rocks into them. She laughed and
immediately clunked him on the head with them. He winced theatrically and then
got to his feet and started walking back up toward the parking lot. Probably
worried about her getting cold in her wet clothes. He was worse than any
paranoid, overprotective mother.
“Sorry if I was being pushy before, man, about the girl thing,” I said.
“Naw, that’s cool,” Quil said. “It kind of took me by surprise is all. I hadn’t
thought about it.”
“I bet she’d understand. You know, when she’s grown up. She wouldn’t get mad
that you had a life while she was in diapers.”
“No, I know. I’m sure she’d understand that.”
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He didn’t say anything else.
“But you won’t do that, will you?” I guessed.
“I can’t see it,” he said in a low voice. “I can’t imagine. I just don’t… see anyone
that way. I don’t notice girls anymore, you know. I don’t see their faces.”
“Put that together with the tiara and makeup, and maybe Claire will have a
different kind of competition to worry about.”
Quil laughed and made kissing noises at me. “You available this Friday, Jacob?”
“You wish,” I said, and then I made a face. “Yeah, guess I am, though.”
He hesitated a second and then said, “You ever think about dating?”
I sighed. Guess I’d opened myself up for that one.
“You know, Jake, maybe you should think about getting a life.”
He didn’t say it like a joke. His voice was sympathetic. That made it worse.
“I don’t see them, either, Quil. I don’t see their faces.”
Quil sighed, too.
Far away, too low for anyone but just us two to hear it over the waves, a howl rose
out of the forest.
“Dang, that’s Sam,” Quil said. His hands flew up to touch Claire, as if making sure
she was still there. “I don’t know where her mom’s at!”
“I’ll see what it is. If we need you, I’ll let you know.” I raced through the words.
They came out all slurred together. “Hey, why don’t you take her up to the
Clearwaters’? Sue and Billy can keep an eye on her if they need to. They might
know what’s going on, anyway.”
“Okay—get outta here, Jake!”
I took off running, not for the dirt path through the weedy hedge, but in the
shortest line toward the forest. I hurdled the first line of driftwood and then
ripped my way through the briars, still running. I felt the little tears as the thorns
cut into my skin, but I ignored them. Their sting would be healed before I made
the trees.
I cut behind the store and darted across the highway. Somebody honked at me.
Once in the safety of the trees, I ran faster, taking longer strides. People would
115
stare if I was out in the open. Normal people couldn’t run like this. Sometimes I
thought it might be fun to enter a race—you know, like the Olympic trials or
something. It would be cool to watch the expressions on those star athletes’ faces
when I blew by them. Only I was pretty sure the testing they did to make sure you
weren’t on steroids would probably turn up some really freaky crap in my blood.
As soon as I was in the true forest, unbound by roads or houses, I skidded to a
stop and kicked my shorts off. With quick, practiced moves, I rolled them up and
tied them to the leather cord around my ankle. As I was still pulling the ends
tight, I started shifting. The fire trembled down my spine, throwing tight spasms
out along my arms and legs. It only took a second. The heat flooded through me,
and I felt the silent shimmer that made me something else. I threw my heavy
paws against the matted earth and stretched my back in one long, rolling
extension.
Phasing was very easy when I was centered like this. I didn’t have issues with my
temper anymore. Except when it got in the way.
For one half second, I remembered the awful moment at that unspeakable joke of
a wedding. I’d been so insane with fury that I couldn’t make my body work right.
I’d been trapped, shaking and burning, unable to make the change and kill the
monster just a few feet away from me. It had been so confusing. Dying to kill him.
Afraid to hurt her. My friends in the way. And then, when I was finally able to
take the form I wanted, the order from my leader. The edict from the Alpha. If it
had been just Embry and Quil there that night without Sam… would I have been
able to kill the murderer, then?
I hated it when Sam laid down the law like that. I hated the feeling of having no
choice. Of having to obey.
And then I was conscious of an audience. I was not alone in my thoughts.
So self-absorbed all the time, Leah thought.
Yeah, no hypocrisy there, Leah, I thought back.
Can it, guys, Sam told us.
We fell silent, and I felt Leah’s wince at the word guys. Touchy, like always.
Sam pretended not to notice. Where’s Quil and Jared?
Quil’s got Claire. He’s taking her to the Clearwaters’.
Good. Sue will take her.
Jared was going to Kim’s, Embry thought. Good chance he didn’t hear you.
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There was a low grumble through the pack. I moaned along with them. When
Jared finally showed up, no doubt he’d still be thinking about Kim. And nobody
wanted a replay of what they were up to right now.
Sam sat back on his haunches and let another howl rip into the air. It was a signal
and an order in one.
The pack was gathered a few miles east of where I was. I loped through the thick
forest toward them. Leah, Embry, and Paul all were working in toward them, too.
Leah was close—soon I could hear her footfalls not far into the woods. We
continued in a parallel line, choosing not to run together.
Well, we’re not waiting all day for him. He’ll just have to catch up later.
’Sup, boss? Paul wanted to know.
We need to talk. Something’s happened.
I felt Sam’s thoughts flicker to me—and not just Sam’s, but Seth’s and Collin’s
and Brady’s as well. Collin and Brady—the new kids—had been running patrol
with Sam today, so they would know whatever he knew. I didn’t know why Seth
was already out here, and in the know. It wasn’t his turn.
Seth, tell them what you heard.
I sped up, wanting to be there. I heard Leah move faster, too. She hated being
outrun. Being the fastest was the only edge she claimed.
Claim this, moron, she hissed, and then she really kicked it into gear. I dug my
nails into the loam and shot myself forward.
Sam didn’t seem in the mood to put up with our usual crap. Jake, Leah, give it a
rest.
Neither of us slowed.
Sam growled, but let it go. Seth?
Charlie called around till he found Billy at my house.
Yeah, I talked to him, Paul added.
I felt a jolt go through me as Seth thought Charlie’s name. This was it. The
waiting was over. I ran faster, forcing myself to breathe, though my lungs felt
kinda stiff all of a sudden.
Which story would it be?
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So he’s all flipped out. Guess Edward and Bella got home last week, and…
My chest eased up.
She was alive. Or she wasn’t dead dead, at least.
I hadn’t realized how much difference it would make to me. I’d been thinking of
her as dead this whole time, and I only saw that now. I saw that I’d never believed
that he would bring her back alive. It shouldn’t matter, because I knew what was
coming next.
Yeah, bro, and here’s the bad news. Charlie talked to her, said she sounded bad.
She told him she’s sick. Carlisle got on and told Charlie that Bella picked up
some rare disease in South America. Said she’s quarantined. Charlie’s going
crazy, ’cause even he’s not allowed to see her. He says he doesn’t care if he gets
sick, but Carlisle wouldn’t bend. No visitors. Told Charlie it was pretty serious,
but that he’s doing everything he can. Charlie’s been stewing about it for days,
but he only called Billy now. He said she sounded worse today.
The mental silence when Seth finished was profound. We all understood.
So she would die of this disease, as far as Charlie knew. Would they let him view
the corpse? The pale, perfectly still, unbreathing white body? They couldn’t let
him touch the cold skin—he might notice how hard it was. They’d have to wait
until she could hold still, could keep from killing Charlie and the other mourners.
How long would that take?
Would they bury her? Would she dig herself out, or would the bloodsuckers come
for her?
The others listened to my speculating in silence. I’d put a lot more thought into
this than any of them.
Leah and I entered the clearing at nearly the same time. She was sure her nose
led the way, though. She dropped onto her haunches beside her brother while I
trotted forward to stand at Sam’s right hand. Paul circled and made room for me
in my place.
Beatcha again, Leah thought, but I barely heard her.
I wondered why I was the only one on my feet. My fur stood up on my shoulders,
bristling with impatience.
Well, what are we waiting for? I asked.
No one said anything, but I heard their feelings of hesitation.
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Oh, come on! The treaty’s broken!
We have no proof—maybe she is sick.…
OH, PLEASE!
Okay, so the circumstantial evidence is pretty strong. Still… Jacob. Sam’s
thought came slow, hesitant. Are you sure this is what you want? Is it really the
right thing? We all know what she wanted.
The treaty doesn’t mention anything about victim preferences, Sam!
Is she really a victim? Would you label her that way?
Yes!
Jake, Seth thought, they aren’t our enemies.
Shut up, kid! Just ’cause you’ve got some kind of sick hero worship thing going
on with that bloodsucker, it doesn’t change the law. They are our enemies. They
are in our territory. We take them out. I don’t care if you had fun fighting
alongside Edward Cullen once upon a time.
So what are you going to do when Bella fights with them, Jacob? Huh? Seth
demanded.
She’s not Bella anymore.
You gonna be the one to take her down?
I couldn’t stop myself from wincing.
No, you’re not. So, what? You gonna make one of us do it? And then hold a
grudge against whoever it is forever?
I wouldn’t.…
Sure you won’t. You’re not ready for this fight, Jacob.
Instinct took over and I crouched forward, snarling at the gangly sand-colored
wolf across the circle.
Jacob! Sam cautioned. Seth, shut up for a second.
Seth nodded his big head.
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Dang, what’d I miss? Quil thought. He was running for the gathering place fullout.
Heard about Charlie’s call.…
We’re getting ready to go, I told him. Why don’t you swing by Kim’s and drag
Jared out with your teeth? We’re going to need everyone.
Come straight here, Quil, Sam ordered. We’ve decided nothing yet.
I growled.
Jacob, I have to think about what’s best for this pack. I have to choose the course
that protects you all best. Times have changed since our ancestors made that
treaty. I… well, I don’t honestly believe that the Cullens are a danger to us. And
we know that they will not be here much longer. Surely once they’ve told their
story, they will disappear. Our lives can return to normal.
Normal?
If we challenge them, Jacob, they will defend themselves well.
Are you afraid?
Are you so ready to lose a brother? He paused. Or a sister? he tacked on as an
afterthought.
I’m not afraid to die.
I know that, Jacob. It’s one reason I question your judgment on this.
I stared into his black eyes. Do you intend to honor our fathers’ treaty or not?
I honor my pack. I do what’s best for them.
Coward.
His muzzle tensed, pulling back over his teeth.
Enough, Jacob. You’re overruled. Sam’s mental voice changed, took on that
strange double timbre that we could not disobey. The voice of the Alpha. He met
the gaze of every wolf in the circle.
The pack is not attacking the Cullens without provocation. The spirit of the
treaty remains. They are not a danger to our people, nor are they a danger to
the people of Forks. Bella Swan made an informed choice, and we are not going
to punish our former allies for her choice.
Hear, hear, Seth thought enthusiastically.
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I thought I told you to shut it, Seth.
Oops. Sorry, Sam.
Jacob, where do you think you’re going?
I left the circle, moving toward the west so that I could turn my back on him. I’m
going to tell my father goodbye. Apparently there was no purpose in me
sticking around this long.
Aw, Jake—don’t do that again!
Shut up, Seth, several voices thought together.
We don’t want you to leave, Sam told me, his thought softer than before.
So force me to stay, Sam. Take away my will. Make me a slave.
You know I won’t do that.
Then there’s nothing more to say.
I ran away from them, trying very hard not to think about what was next. Instead,
I concentrated on my memories of the long wolf months, of letting the humanity
bleed out of me until I was more animal than man. Living in the moment, eating
when hungry, sleeping when tired, drinking when thirsty, and running—running
just to run. Simple desires, simple answers to those desires. Pain came in easily
managed forms. The pain of hunger. The pain of cold ice under your paws. The
pain of cutting claws when dinner got feisty. Each pain had a simple answer, a
clear action to end that pain.
Not like being human.
Yet, as soon as I was in jogging distance of my house, I shifted back into my
human body. I needed to be able to think in privacy.
I untied my shorts and yanked them on, already running for the house.
I’d done it. I’d hidden what I was thinking and now it was too late for Sam to stop
me. He couldn’t hear me now.
Sam had made a very clear ruling. The pack would not attack the Cullens. Okay.
He hadn’t mentioned an individual acting alone.
Nope, the pack wasn’t attacking anyone today.
121
But I was.
122
9. SURE AS HELL DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING
I didn’t really plan to say goodbye to my father.
After all, one quick call to Sam and the game would be up. They’d cut me off and
push me back. Probably try to make me angry, or even hurt me—somehow force
me to phase so that Sam could lay down a new law.
But Billy was expecting me, knowing I’d be in some kind of state. He was in the
yard, just sitting there in his wheelchair with his eyes right on the spot where I
came through the trees. I saw him judge my direction—headed straight past the
house to my homemade garage.
“Got a minute, Jake?”
I skidded to a stop. I looked at him and then toward the garage.
“C’mon kid. At least help me inside.”
I gritted my teeth but decided that he’d be more likely to cause trouble with Sam
if I didn’t lie to him for a few minutes.
“Since when do you need help, old man?”
He laughed his rumbling laugh. “My arms are tired. I pushed myself all the way
here from Sue’s.”
“It’s downhill. You coasted the whole way.”
I rolled his chair up the little ramp I’d made for him and into the living room.
“Caught me. Think I got up to about thirty miles per hour. It was great.”
“You’re gonna wreck that chair, you know. And then you’ll be dragging yourself
around by your elbows.”
“Not a chance. It’ll be your job to carry me.”
“You won’t be going many places.”
Billy put his hands on the wheels and steered himself to the fridge. “Any food
left?”
“You got me. Paul was here all day, though, so probably not.”
Billy sighed. “Have to start hiding the groceries if we’re gonna avoid starvation.”
123
“Tell Rachel to go stay at his place.”
Billy’s joking tone vanished, and his eyes got soft. “We’ve only had her home a
few weeks. First time she’s been here in a long time. It’s hard—the girls were
older than you when your mom passed. They have more trouble being in this
house.”
“I know.”
Rebecca hadn’t been home once since she got married, though she did have a
good excuse. Plane tickets from Hawaii were pretty pricey. Washington State was
close enough that Rachel didn’t have the same defense. She’d taken classes
straight through the summer semesters, working double shifts over the holidays
at some café on campus. If it hadn’t been for Paul, she probably would have taken
off again real quick. Maybe that was why Billy wouldn’t kick him out.
“Well, I’m going to go work on some stuff. . . .” I started for the back door.
“Wait up, Jake. Aren’t you going to tell me what happened? Do I have to call Sam
for an update?”
I stood with my back to him, hiding my face.
“Nothing happened. Sam’s giving them a bye. Guess we’re all just a bunch of
leech lovers now.”
“Jake . . .”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Are you leaving, son?”
The room was quiet for a long time while I decided how to say it.
“Rachel can have her room back. I know she hates that air mattress.”
“She’d rather sleep on the floor than lose you. So would I.”
I snorted.
“Jacob, please. If you need… a break. Well, take it. But not so long again. Come
back.”
“Maybe. Maybe my gig will be weddings. Make a cameo at Sam’s, then Rachel’s.
Jared and Kim might come first, though. Probably ought to have a suit or
something.”
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“Jake, look at me.”
I turned around slowly. “What?”
He stared into my eyes for a long minute. “Where are you going?”
“I don’t really have a specific place in mind.”
He cocked his head to the side, and his eyes narrowed. “Don’t you?”
We stared each other down. The seconds ticked by.
“Jacob,” he said. His voice was strained. “Jacob, don’t. It’s not worth it.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Leave Bella and the Cullens be. Sam is right.”
I stared at him for a second, and then I crossed the room in two long strides. I
grabbed the phone and disconnected the cable from the box and the jack. I
wadded the gray cord up in the palm of my hand.
“Bye, Dad.”
“Jake, wait—,” he called after me, but I was out the door, running.
The motorcycle wasn’t as fast as running, but it was more discreet. I wondered
how long it would take Billy to wheel himself down to the store and then get
someone on the phone who could get a message to Sam. I’d bet Sam was still in
his wolf form. The problem would be if Paul came back to our place anytime
soon. He could phase in a second and let Sam know what I was doing.…
I wasn’t going to worry about it. I would go as fast as I could, and if they caught
me, I’d deal with that when I had to.
I kicked the bike to life and then I was racing down the muddy lane. I didn’t look
behind me as I passed the house.
The highway was busy with tourist traffic; I wove in and out of the cars, earning a
bunch of honks and a few fingers. I took the turn onto the 101 at seventy, not
bothering to look. I had to ride the line for a minute to avoid getting smeared by a
minivan. Not that it would have killed me, but it would have slowed me down.
Broken bones—the big ones, at least—took days to heal completely, as I had good
cause to know.
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The freeway cleared up a little, and I pushed the bike to eighty. I didn’t touch the
brake until I was close to the narrow drive; I figured I was in the clear then. Sam
wouldn’t come this far to stop me. It was too late.
It wasn’t until that moment—when I was sure that I’d made it—that I started to
think about what exactly I was going to do now. I slowed down to twenty, taking
the twists through the trees more carefully than I needed to.
I knew they would hear me coming, bike or no bike, so surprise was out. There
was no way to disguise my intentions. Edward would hear my plan as soon as I
was close enough. Maybe he already could. But I thought this would still work
out, because I had his ego on my side. He’d want to fight me alone.
So I’d just walk in, see Sam’s precious evidence for myself, and then challenge
Edward to a duel.
I snorted. The parasite’d probably get a kick out of the theatrics of it.
When I finished with him, I’d take as many of the rest of them as I could before
they got me. Huh—I wondered if Sam would consider my death provocation.
Probably say I got what I deserved. Wouldn’t want to offend his bloodsucker
BFFs.
The drive opened up into the meadow, and the smell hit me like a rotten tomato
to the face. Ugh. Reeking vampires. My stomach started churning. The stench
would be hard to take this way—undiluted by the scent of humans as it had been
the other time I’d come here—though not as bad as smelling it through my wolf
nose.
I wasn’t sure what to expect, but there was no sign of life around the big white
crypt. Of course they knew I was here.
I cut the engine and listened to the quiet. Now I could hear tense, angry murmurs
from just the other side of the wide double doors. Someone was home. I heard my
name and I smiled, happy to think I was causing them a little stress.
I took one big gulp of air—it would only be worse inside—and leaped up the porch
stairs in one bound.
The door opened before my fist touched it, and the doctor stood in the frame, his
eyes grave.
“Hello, Jacob,” he said, calmer than I would have expected. “How are you?”
I took a deep breath through my mouth. The reek pouring through the door was
overpowering.
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I was disappointed that it was Carlisle who answered. I’d rather Edward had
come through the door, fangs out. Carlisle was so… just human or something.
Maybe it was the house calls he made last spring when I got busted up. But it
made me uncomfortable to look into his face and know that I was planning to kill
him if I could.
“I heard Bella made it back alive,” I said.
“Er, Jacob, it’s not really the best time.” The doctor seemed uncomfortable, too,
but not in the way I expected. “Could we do this later?”
I stared at him, dumbfounded. Was he asking to post-pone the death match for a
more convenient time?
And then I heard Bella’s voice, cracked and rough, and I couldn’t think about
anything else.
“Why not?” she asked someone. “Are we keeping secrets from Jacob, too? What’s
the point?”
Her voice was not what I was expecting. I tried to remember the voices of the
young vampires we’d fought in the spring, but all I’d registered was snarling.
Maybe those newborns hadn’t had the piercing, ringing sound of the older ones,
either. Maybe all new vampires sounded hoarse.
“Come in, please, Jacob,” Bella croaked more loudly.
Carlisle’s eyes tightened.
I wondered if Bella was thirsty. My eyes narrowed, too.
“Excuse me,” I said to the doctor as I stepped around him. It was hard—it went
against all my instincts to turn my back to one of them. Not impossible, though. If
there was such a thing as a safe vampire, it was the strangely gentle leader.
I would stay away from Carlisle when the fight started. There were enough of
them to kill without including him.
I sidestepped into the house, keeping my back to the wall. My eyes swept the
room—it was unfamiliar. The last time I’d been in here it had been all done up for
a party. Everything was bright and pale now. Including the six vampires standing
in a group by the white sofa.
They were all here, all together, but that was not what froze me where I stood and
had my jaw dropping to the floor.
It was Edward. It was the expression on his face.
127
I’d seen him angry, and I’d seen him arrogant, and once I’d seen him in pain. But
this—this was beyond agony. His eyes were half-crazed. He didn’t look up to glare
at me. He stared down at the couch beside him with an expression like someone
had lit him on fire. His hands were rigid claws at his side.
I couldn’t even enjoy his anguish. I could only think of one thing that would make
him look like that, and my eyes followed his.
I saw her at the same moment that I caught her scent.
Her warm, clean, human scent.
Bella was half-hidden behind the arm of the sofa, curled up in a loose fetal
position, her arms wrapped around her knees. For a long second I could see
nothing except that she was still the Bella that I loved, her skin still a soft, pale
peach, her eyes still the same chocolate brown. My heart thudded a strange,
broken meter, and I wondered if this was just some lying dream that I was about
to wake up from.
Then I really saw her.
There were deep circles under her eyes, dark circles that jumped out because her
face was all haggard. Was she thinner? Her skin seemed tight—like her
cheekbones might break right through it. Most of her dark hair was pulled away
from her face into a messy knot, but a few strands stuck limply to her forehead
and neck, to the sheen of sweat that covered her skin. There was something about
her fingers and wrists that looked so fragile it was scary.
She was sick. Very sick.
Not a lie. The story Charlie’d told Billy was not a story. While I stared, eyes
bugging, her skin turned light green.
The blond bloodsucker—the showy one, Rosalie—bent over her, cutting into my
view, hovering in a strange, protective way.
This was wrong. I knew how Bella felt about almost everything—her thoughts
were so obvious; sometimes it was like they were printed on her forehead. So she
didn’t have to tell me every detail of a situation for me to get it. I knew that Bella
didn’t like Rosalie. I’d seen it in the set of her lips when she talked about her. Not
just that she didn’t like her. She was afraid of Rosalie. Or she had been.
There was no fear as Bella glanced up at her now. Her expression was…
apologetic or something. Then Rosalie snatched a basin from the floor and held it
under Bella’s chin just in time for Bella to throw up noisily into it.
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Edward fell to his knees by Bella’s side—his eyes all tortured-looking—and
Rosalie held out her hand, warning him to keep back.
None of it made sense.
When she could raise her head, Bella smiled weakly at me, sort of embarrassed.
“Sorry about that,” she whispered to me.
Edward moaned real quiet. His head slumped against Bella’s knees. She put one
of her hands against his cheek. Like she was comforting him.
I didn’t realize my legs had carried me forward until Rosalie hissed at me,
suddenly appearing between me and the couch. She was like a person on a TV
screen. I didn’t care she was there. She didn’t seem real.
“Rose, don’t,” Bella whispered. “It’s fine.”
Blondie moved out of my way, though I could tell she hated to do it. Scowling at
me, she crouched by Bella’s head, tensed to spring. She was easier to ignore than
I ever would have dreamed.
“Bella, what’s wrong?” I whispered. Without thinking about it, I found myself on
my knees, too, leaning over the back of the couch across from her… husband. He
didn’t seem to notice me, and I barely glanced at him. I reached out for her free
hand, taking it in both of mine. Her skin was icy. “Are you all right?”
It was a stupid question. She didn’t answer it.
“I’m so glad you came to see me today, Jacob,” she said.
Even though I knew Edward couldn’t hear her thoughts, he seemed to hear some
meaning I didn’t. He moaned again, into the blanket that covered her, and she
stroked his cheek.
“What is it, Bella?” I insisted, wrapping my hands tight around her cold, fragile
fingers.
Instead of answering, she glanced around the room like she was searching for
something, both a plea and a warning in her look. Six pairs of anxious yellow eyes
stared back at her. Finally, she turned to Rosalie.
“Help me up, Rose?” she asked.
Rosalie’s lips pulled back over her teeth, and she glared up at me like she wanted
to rip my throat out. I was sure that was exactly the case.
“Please, Rose.”
129
The blonde made a face, but leaned over her again, next to Edward, who didn’t
move an inch. She put her arm carefully behind Bella’s shoulders.
“No,” I whispered. “Don’t get up. . . .” She looked so weak.
“I’m answering your question,” she snapped, sounding a little bit more like the
way she usually talked to me.
Rosalie pulled Bella off the couch. Edward stayed where he was, sagging forward
till his face was buried in the cushions. The blanket fell to the ground at Bella’s
feet.
Bella’s body was swollen, her torso ballooning out in a strange, sick way. It
strained against the faded gray sweatshirt that was way too big for her shoulders
and arms. The rest of her seemed thinner, like the big bulge had grown out of
what it had sucked from her. It took me a second to realize what the deformed
part was—I didn’t understand until she folded her hands tenderly around her
bloated stomach, one above and one below. Like she was cradling it.
I saw it then, but I still couldn’t believe it. I’d seen her just a month ago. There
was no way she could be pregnant. Not that pregnant.
Except that she was.
I didn’t want to see this, didn’t want to think about this. I didn’t want to imagine
him inside her. I didn’t want to know that something I hated so much had taken
root in the body I loved. My stomach heaved, and I had to swallow back vomit.
But it was worse than that, so much worse. Her distorted body, the bones jabbing
against the skin of her face. I could only guess that she looked like this—so
pregnant, so sick—because whatever was inside her was taking her life to feed its
own.…
Because it was a monster. Just like its father.
I always knew he would kill her.
His head snapped up as he heard the words inside mine. One second we were
both on our knees, and then he was on his feet, towering over me. His eyes were
flat black, the circles under them dark purple.
“Outside, Jacob,” he snarled.
I was on my feet, too. Looking down on him now. This was why I was here.
“Let’s do this,” I agreed.
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The big one, Emmett, pushed forward on Edward’s other side, with the hungrylooking
one, Jasper, right behind him. I really didn’t care. Maybe my pack would
clean up the scraps when they finished me off. Maybe not. It didn’t matter.
For the tiniest part of a second my eyes touched on the two standing in the back.
Esme. Alice. Small and distractingly feminine. Well, I was sure the others would
kill me before I had to do anything about them. I didn’t want to kill girls… even
vampire girls.
Though I might make an exception for that blonde.
“No,” Bella gasped, and she stumbled forward, out of balance, to clutch at
Edward’s arm. Rosalie moved with her, like there was a chain locking them to
each other.
“I just need to talk to him, Bella,” Edward said in a low voice, talking only to her.
He reached up to touch her face, to stroke it. This made the room turn red, made
me see fire—that, after all he’d done to her, he was still allowed to touch her that
way. “Don’t strain yourself,” he went on, pleading. “Please rest. We’ll both be
back in just a few minutes.”
She stared at his face, reading it carefully. Then she nodded and drooped toward
the couch. Rosalie helped lower her back onto the cushions. Bella stared at me,
trying to hold my eyes.
“Behave,” she insisted. “And then come back.”
I didn’t answer. I wasn’t making any promises today. I looked away and then
followed Edward out the front door.
A random, disjointed voice in my head noted that separating him from the coven
hadn’t been so difficult, had it?
He kept walking, never checking to see if I was about to spring at his unprotected
back. I supposed he didn’t need to check. He would know when I decided to
attack. Which meant I’d have to make that decision very quickly.
“I’m not ready for you to kill me yet, Jacob Black,” he whispered as he paced
quickly away from the house. “You’ll have to have a little patience.”
Like I cared about his schedule. I growled under my breath. “Patience isn’t my
specialty.”
He kept walking, maybe a couple hundred yards down the drive away from the
house, with me right on his heels. I was all hot, my fingers trembling. On the
edge, ready and waiting.
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He stopped without warning and pivoted to face me. His expression froze me
again.
For a second I was just a kid—a kid who had lived all of his life in the same tiny
town. Just a child. Because I knew I would have to live a lot more, suffer a lot
more, to ever understand the searing agony in Edward’s eyes.
He raised a hand as if to wipe sweat from his forehead, but his fingers scraped
against his face like they were going to rip his granite skin right off. His black eyes
burned in their sockets, out of focus, or seeing things that weren’t there. His
mouth opened like he was going to scream, but nothing came out.
This was the face a man would have if he were burning at the stake.
For a moment I couldn’t speak. It was too real, this face—I’d seen a shadow of it
in the house, seen it in her eyes and his, but this made it final. The last nail in her
coffin.
“It’s killing her, right? She’s dying.” And I knew when I said it that my face was a
watered-down echo of his. Weaker, different, because I was still in shock. I hadn’t
wrapped my head around it yet—it was happening too fast. He’d had time to get
to this point. And it was different because I’d already lost her so many times, so
many ways, in my head. And different because she was never really mine to lose.
And different because this wasn’t my fault.
“My fault,” Edward whispered, and his knees gave out. He crumpled in front of
me, vulnerable, the easiest target you could imagine.
But I felt cold as snow—there was no fire in me.
“Yes,” he groaned into the dirt, like he was confessing to the ground. “Yes, it’s
killing her.”
His broken helplessness irritated me. I wanted a fight, not an execution. Where
was his smug superiority now?
“So why hasn’t Carlisle done anything?” I growled. “He’s a doctor, right? Get it
out of her.”
He looked up then and answered me in a tired voice. Like he was explaining this
to a kindergartener for the tenth time. “She won’t let us.”
It took a minute for the words to sink in. Jeez, she was running true to form. Of
course, die for the monster spawn. It was so Bella.
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“You know her well,” he whispered. “How quickly you see.… I didn’t see. Not in
time. She wouldn’t talk to me on the way home, not really. I thought she was
frightened—that would be natural. I thought she was angry with me for putting
her through this, for endangering her life. Again. I never imagined what she was
really thinking, what she was resolving. Not until my family met us at the airport
and she ran right into Rosalie’s arms. Rosalie’s! And then I heard what Rosalie
was thinking. I didn’t understand until I heard that. Yet you understand after one
second. . . .” He half-sighed, half-groaned.
“Just back up a second. She won’t let you.” The sarcasm was acid on my tongue.
“Did you ever notice that she’s exactly as strong as a normal hundred-and-tenpound
human girl? How stupid are you vamps? Hold her down and knock her out
with drugs.”
“I wanted to,” he whispered. “Carlisle would have. . . .”
What, too noble were they?
“No. Not noble. Her bodyguard complicated things.”
Oh. His story hadn’t made much sense before, but it fit together now. So that’s
what Blondie was up to. What was in it for her, though? Did the beauty queen
want Bella to die so bad?
“Maybe,” he said. “Rosalie doesn’t look at it quite that way.”
“So take the blonde out first. Your kind can be put back together, right? Turn her
into a jigsaw and take care of Bella.”
“Emmett and Esme are backing her up. Emmett would never let us… and Carlisle
won’t help me with Esme against it. . . .” He trailed off, his voice disappearing.
“You should have left Bella with me.”
“Yes.”
It was a bit late for that, though. Maybe he should have thought about all this
before he knocked her up with the life-sucking monster.
He stared up at me from inside his own personal hell, and I could see that he
agreed with me.
“We didn’t know,” he said, the words as quiet as a breath. “I never dreamed.
There’s never been anything like Bella and I before. How could we know that a
human was able conceive a child with one of us—”
“When the human should get ripped to shreds in the process?”
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“Yes,” he agreed in a tense whisper. “They’re out there, the sadistic ones, the
incubus, the succubus. They exist. But the seduction is merely a prelude to the
feast. No one survives.” He shook his head like the idea revolted him. Like he was
any different.
“I didn’t realize they had a special name for what you are,” I spit.
He stared up at me with a face that looked a thousand years old.
“Even you, Jacob Black, cannot hate me as much as I hate myself.”
Wrong, I thought, too enraged to speak.
“Killing me now doesn’t save her,” he said quietly.
“So what does?”
“Jacob, you have to do something for me.”
“The hell I do, parasite!”
He kept staring at me with those half-tired, half-crazy eyes. “For her?”
I clenched my teeth together hard. “I did everything I could to keep her away
from you. Every single thing. It’s too late.”
“You know her, Jacob. You connect to her on a level that I don’t even understand.
You are part of her, and she is part of you. She won’t listen to me, because she
thinks I’m underestimating her. She thinks she’s strong enough for this. . . .” He
choked and then swallowed. “She might listen to you.”
“Why would she?”
He lurched to his feet, his eyes burning brighter than before, wilder. I wondered
if he was really going crazy. Could vampires lose their minds?
“Maybe,” he answered my thought. “I don’t know. It feels like it.” He shook his
head. “I have to try to hide this in front of her, because stress makes her more ill.
She can’t keep anything down as it is. I have to be composed; I can’t make it
harder. But that doesn’t matter now. She has to listen to you!”
“I can’t tell her anything you haven’t. What do you want me to do? Tell her she’s
stupid? She probably already knows that. Tell her she’s going to die? I bet she
knows that, too.”
“You can offer her what she wants.”
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He wasn’t making any sense. Part of the crazy?
“I don’t care about anything but keeping her alive,” he said, suddenly focused
now. “If it’s a child she wants, she can have it. She can have half a dozen babies.
Anything she wants.” He paused for one beat. “She can have puppies, if that’s
what it takes.”
He met my stare for a moment and his face was frenzied under the thin layer of
control. My hard scowl crumbled as I processed his words, and I felt my mouth
pop open in shock.
“But not this way!” he hissed before I could recover. “Not this thing that’s sucking
the life from her while I stand there helpless! Watching her sicken and waste
away. Seeing it hurting her.” He sucked in a fast breath like someone had
punched him in the gut. “You have to make her see reason, Jacob. She won’t
listen to me anymore. Rosalie’s always there, feeding her insanity—encouraging
her. Protecting her. No, protecting it. Bella’s life means nothing to her.”
The noise coming from my throat sounded like I was choking.
What was he saying? That Bella should, what? Have a baby? With me? What?
How? Was he giving her up? Or did he think she wouldn’t mind being shared?
“Whichever. Whatever keeps her alive.”
“That’s the craziest thing you’ve said yet,” I mumbled.
“She loves you.”
“Not enough.”
“She’s ready to die to have a child. Maybe she’d accept something less extreme.”
“Don’t you know her at all?”
“I know, I know. It’s going to take a lot of convincing. That’s why I need you. You
know how she thinks. Make her see sense.”
I couldn’t think about what he was suggesting. It was too much. Impossible.
Wrong. Sick. Borrowing Bella for the weekends and then returning her Monday
morning like a rental movie? So messed up.
So tempting.
I didn’t want to consider, didn’t want to imagine, but the images came anyway.
I’d fantasized about Bella that way too many times, back when there was still a
possibility of us, and then long after it was clear that the fantasies would only
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leave festering sores because there was no possibility, none at all. I hadn’t been
able to help myself then. I couldn’t stop myself now. Bella in my arms, Bella
sighing my name…
Worse still, this new image I’d never had before, one that by all rights shouldn’t
have existed for me. Not yet. An image I knew I wouldn’t’ve suffered over for
years if he hadn’t shoved it in my head now. But it stuck there, winding threads
through my brain like a weed—poisonous and unkillable. Bella, healthy and
glowing, so different than now, but something the same: her body, not distorted,
changed in a more natural way. Round with my child.
I tried to escape the venomous weed in my mind. “Make Bella see sense? What
universe do you live in?”
“At least try.”
I shook my head fast. He waited, ignoring the negative answer because he could
hear the conflict in my thoughts.
“Where is this psycho crap coming from? Are you making this up as you go?”
“I’ve been thinking of nothing but ways to save her since I realized what she was
planning to do. What she would die to do. But I didn’t know how to contact you. I
knew you wouldn’t listen if I called. I would have come to find you soon, if you
hadn’t come today. But it’s hard to leave her, even for a few minutes. Her
condition… it changes so fast. The thing is… growing. Swiftly. I can’t be away
from her now.”
“What is it?”
“None of us have any idea. But it is stronger than she is. Already.”
I could suddenly see it then—see the swelling monster in my head, breaking her
from the inside out.
“Help me stop it,” he whispered. “Help me stop this from happening.”
“How? By offering my stud services?” He didn’t even flinch when I said that, but I
did. “You’re really sick. She’ll never listen to this.”
“Try. There’s nothing to lose now. How will it hurt?”
It would hurt me. Hadn’t I taken enough rejection from Bella without this?
“A little pain to save her? Is it such a high cost?”
“But it won’t work.”
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“Maybe not. Maybe it will confuse her, though. Maybe she’ll falter in her resolve.
One moment of doubt is all I need.”
“And then you pull the rug out from under the offer? ‘Just kidding, Bella’?”
“If she wants a child, that’s what she gets. I won’t rescind.”
I couldn’t believe I was even thinking about this. Bella would punch me—not that
I cared about that, but it would probably break her hand again. I shouldn’t let
him talk to me, mess with my head. I should just kill him now.
“Not now,” he whispered. “Not yet. Right or wrong, it would destroy her, and you
know it. No need to be hasty. If she won’t listen to you, you’ll get your chance.
The moment Bella’s heart stops beating, I will be begging for you to kill me.”
“You won’t have to beg long.”
The hint of a worn smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “I’m very much
counting on that.”
“Then we have a deal.”
He nodded and held out his cold stone hand.
Swallowing my disgust, I reached out to take his hand. My fingers closed around
the rock, and I shook it once.
“We have a deal,” he agreed.
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10. WHY DIDN’T I JUST WALK AWAY? OH RIGHT,
BECAUSE I’M AN IDIOT.
I felt like—like I don’t know what. Like this wasn’t real. Like I was in some Goth
version of a bad sitcom. Instead of being the A/V dweeb about to ask the head
cheerleader to the prom, I was the finished-second-place werewolf about to ask
the vampire’s wife to shack up and procreate. Nice.
No, I wouldn’t do it. It was twisted and wrong. I was going to forget all about
what he’d said.
But I would talk to her. I’d try to make her listen to me.
And she wouldn’t. Just like always.
Edward didn’t answer or comment on my thoughts as he led the way back to the
house. I wondered about the place that he’d chosen to stop. Was it far enough
from the house that the others couldn’t hear his whispers? Was that the point?
Maybe. When we walked through the door, the other Cullens’ eyes were
suspicious and confused. No one looked disgusted or outraged. So they must not
have heard either favor Edward had asked me for.
I hesitated in the open doorway, not sure what to do now. It was better right
there, with a little bit of breathable air blowing in from outside.
Edward walked into the middle of the huddle, shoulders stiff. Bella watched him
anxiously, and then her eyes flickered to me for a second. Then she was watching
him again.
Her face turned a grayish pale, and I could see what he meant about the stress
making her feel worse.
“We’re going to let Jacob and Bella speak privately,” Edward said. There was no
inflection at all in his voice. Robotic.
“Over my pile of ashes,” Rosalie hissed at him. She was still hovering by Bella’s
head, one of her cold hands placed possessively on Bella’s sallow cheek.
Edward didn’t look at her. “Bella,” he said in that same empty tone. “Jacob wants
to talk to you. Are you afraid to be alone with him?”
Bella looked at me, confused. Then she looked at Rosalie.
“Rose, it’s fine. Jake’s not going to hurt us. Go with Edward.”
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“It might be a trick,” the blonde warned.
“I don’t see how,” Bella said.
“Carlisle and I will always be in your sight, Rosalie,” Edward said. The
emotionless voice was cracking, showing the anger through it. “We’re the ones
she’s afraid of.”
“No,” Bella whispered. Her eyes were glistening, her lashes wet. “No, Edward. I’m
not. . . .”
He shook his head, smiling a little. The smile was painful to look at. “I didn’t
mean it that way, Bella. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”
Sickening. He was right—she was beating herself up about hurting his feelings.
The girl was a classic martyr. She’d totally been born in the wrong century. She
should have lived back when she could have gotten herself fed to some lions for a
good cause.
“Everyone,” Edward said, his hand stiffly motioning toward the door. “Please.”
The composure he was trying to keep up for Bella was shaky. I could see how
close he was to that burning man he’d been outside. The others saw it, too.
Silently, they moved out the door while I shifted out of the way. They moved fast;
my heart beat twice, and the room was cleared except for Rosalie, hesitating in
the middle of the floor, and Edward, still waiting by the door.
“Rose,” Bella said quietly. “I want you to go.”
The blonde glared at Edward and then gestured for him to go first. He
disappeared out the door. She gave me a long warning glower, and then she
disappeared, too.
Once we were alone, I crossed the room and sat on the floor next to Bella. I took
both her cold hands in mine, rubbing them carefully.
“Thanks, Jake. That feels good.”
“I’m not going to lie, Bells. You’re hideous.”
“I know,” she sighed. “I’m scary-looking.”
“Thing-from-the-swamp scary,” I agreed.
She laughed. “It’s so good having you here. It feels nice to smile. I don’t know
how much more drama I can stand.”
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I rolled my eyes.
“Okay, okay,” she agreed. “I bring it on myself.”
“Yeah, you do. What’re you thinking, Bells? Seriously!”
“Did he ask you to yell at me?”
“Sort of. Though I can’t figure why he thinks you’d listen to me. You never have
before.”
She sighed.
“I told you—,” I started to say.
“Did you know that ‘I told you so’ has a brother, Jacob?” she asked, cutting me
off. “His name is ‘Shut the hell up.’”
“Good one.”
She grinned at me. Her skin stretched tight over the bones. “I can’t take credit—I
got it off a rerun of The Simpsons.”
“Missed that one.”
“It was funny.”
We didn’t talk for a minute. Her hands were starting to warm up a little.
“Did he really ask you to talk to me?”
I nodded. “To talk some sense into you. There’s a battle that’s lost before it
starts.”
“So why did you agree?”
I didn’t answer. I wasn’t sure I knew.
I did know this—every second I spent with her was only going to add to the pain I
would have to suffer later. Like a junkie with a limited supply, the day of
reckoning was coming for me. The more hits I took now, the harder it would be
when my supply ran out.
“It’ll work out, you know,” she said after a quiet minute. “I believe that.”
That made me see red again. “Is dementia one of your symptoms?” I snapped.
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She laughed, though my anger was so real that my hands were shaking around
hers.
“Maybe,” she said. “I’m not saying things will work out easily, Jake. But how
could I have lived through all that I’ve lived through and not believe in magic by
this point?”
“Magic?”
“Especially for you,” she said. She was smiling. She pulled one of her hands away
from mine and pressed it against my cheek. Warmer than before, but it felt cool
against my skin, like most things did. “More than anyone else, you’ve got some
magic waiting to make things right for you.”
“What are you babbling about?”
Still smiling. “Edward told me once what it was like—your imprinting thing. He
said it was like A Midsummer Night’s Dream, like magic. You’ll find who you’re
really looking for, Jacob, and maybe then all of this will make sense.”
If she hadn’t looked so fragile I would’ve been screaming.
As it was, I did growl at her.
“If you think that imprinting could ever make sense of this insanity . . .” I
struggled for words. “Do you really think that just because I might someday
imprint on some stranger it would make this right?” I jabbed a finger toward her
swollen body. “Tell me what the point was then, Bella! What was the point of me
loving you? What was the point of you loving him? When you die”—the words
were a snarl—“how is that ever right again? What’s the point to all the pain?
Mine, yours, his! You’ll kill him, too, not that I care about that.” She flinched, but
I kept going. “So what was the point of your twisted love story, in the end? If
there is any sense, please show me, Bella, because I don’t see it.”
She sighed. “I don’t know yet, Jake. But I just… feel… that this is all going
somewhere good, hard to see as it is now. I guess you could call it faith.”
“You’re dying for nothing, Bella! Nothing!”
Her hand dropped from my face to her bloated stomach, caressed it. She didn’t
have to say the words for me to know what she was thinking. She was dying for it.
“I’m not going to die,” she said through her teeth, and I could tell she was
repeating things she’d said before. “I will keep my heart beating. I’m strong
enough for that.”
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“That’s a load of crap, Bella. You’ve been trying to keep up with the supernatural
for too long. No normal person can do it. You’re not strong enough.” I took her
face in my hand. I didn’t have to remind myself to be gentle. Everything about her
screamed breakable.
“I can do this. I can do this,” she muttered, sounding a lot like that kids’ book
about the little engine that could.
“Doesn’t look like it to me. So what’s your plan? I hope you have one.”
She nodded, not meeting my eyes. “Did you know Esme jumped off a cliff? When
she was human, I mean.”
“So?”
“So she was close enough to dead that they didn’t even bother taking her to the
emergency room—they took her right around to the morgue. Her heart was still
beating, though, when Carlisle found her. . . .”
That’s what she’d meant before, about keeping her heart beating.
“You’re not planning on surviving this human,” I stated dully.
“No. I’m not stupid.” She met my stare then. “I guess you probably have your own
opinion on that point, though.”
“Emergency vampirization,” I mumbled.
“It worked for Esme. And Emmett, and Rosalie, and even Edward. None of them
were in such great shape. Carlisle only changed them because it was that or
death. He doesn’t end lives, he saves them.”
I felt a sudden twinge of guilt about the good vampire doctor, like before. I
shoved the thought away and started in on the begging.
“Listen to me, Bells. Don’t do it that way.” Like before, when the call from Charlie
had come, I could see how much difference it really made to me. I realized I
needed her to stay alive, in some form. In any form. I took a deep breath. “Don’t
wait until it’s too late, Bella. Not that way. Live. Okay? Just live. Don’t do this to
me. Don’t do it to him.” My voice got harder, louder. “You know what he’s going
to do when you die. You’ve seen it before. You want him to go back to those
Italian killers?” She cringed into the sofa.
I left out the part about how that wouldn’t be necessary this time.
Struggling to make my voice softer, I asked, “Remember when I got mangled up
by those newborns? What did you tell me?”
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I waited, but she wouldn’t answer. She pressed her lips together.
“You told me to be good and listen to Carlisle,” I reminded her. “And what did I
do? I listened to the vampire. For you.”
“You listened because it was the right thing to do.”
“Okay—pick either reason.”
She took a deep breath. “It’s not the right thing now.” Her gaze touched her big
round stomach and she whispered under her breath, “I won’t kill him.”
My hands shook again. “Oh, I hadn’t heard the great news. A bouncing baby boy,
huh? Shoulda brought some blue balloons.”
Her face turned pink. The color was so beautiful—it twisted in my stomach like a
knife. A serrated knife, rusty and ragged.
I was going to lose this. Again.
“I don’t know he’s a boy,” she admitted, a little sheepish. “The ultrasound
wouldn’t work. The membrane around the baby is too hard—like their skin. So
he’s a little mystery. But I always see a boy in my head.”
“It’s not some pretty baby in there, Bella.”
“We’ll see,” she said. Almost smug.
“You won’t,” I snarled.
“You’re very pessimistic, Jacob. There is definitely a chance that I might walk
away from this.”
I couldn’t answer. I looked down and breathed deep and slow, trying to get a grip
on my fury.
“Jake,” she said, and she patted my hair, stroked my cheek. “It’s going to be okay.
Shh. It’s okay.”
I didn’t look up. “No. It will not be okay.”
She wiped something wet from my cheek. “Shh.”
“What’s the deal, Bella?” I stared at the pale carpet. My bare feet were dirty,
leaving smudges. Good. “I thought the whole point was that you wanted your
vampire more than anything. And now you’re just giving him up? That doesn’t
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make any sense. Since when are you desperate to be a mom? If you wanted that
so much, why did you marry a vampire?”
I was dangerously close to that offer he wanted me to make. I could see the words
taking me that way, but I couldn’t change their direction.
She sighed. “It’s not like that. I didn’t really care about having a baby. I didn’t
even think about it. It’s not just having a baby. It’s… well… this baby.”
“It’s a killer, Bella. Look at yourself.”
“He’s not. It’s me. I’m just weak and human. But I can tough this out, Jake, I
can—”
“Aw, come on! Shut up, Bella. You can spout this crap to your bloodsucker, but
you’re not fooling me. You know you’re not going to make it.”
She glared at me. “I do not know that. I’m worried about it, sure.”
“Worried about it,” I repeated through my teeth.
She gasped then and clutched at her stomach. My fury vanished like a light switch
being turned off.
“I’m fine,” she panted. “It’s nothing.”
But I didn’t hear; her hands had pulled her sweatshirt to the side, and I stared,
horrified, at the skin it exposed. Her stomach looked like it was stained with big
splotches of purple-black ink.
She saw my stare, and she yanked the fabric back in place.
“He’s strong, that’s all,” she said defensively.
The ink spots were bruises.
I almost gagged, and I understood what he’d said, about watching it hurt her.
Suddenly, I felt a little crazy myself.
“Bella,” I said.
She heard the change in my voice. She looked up, still breathing heavy, her eyes
confused.
“Bella, don’t do this.”
“Jake—”
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“Listen to me. Don’t get your back up yet. Okay? Just listen. What if… ?”
“What if what?”
“What if this wasn’t a one-shot deal? What if it wasn’t all or nothing? What if you
just listened to Carlisle like a good girl, and kept yourself alive?”
“I won’t—”
“I’m not done yet. So you stay alive. Then you can start over. This didn’t work out.
Try again.”
She frowned. She raised one hand and touched the place where my eyebrows
were mashing together. Her fingers smoothed my forehead for a moment while
she tried to make sense of it.
“I don’t understand.… What do you mean, try again? You can’t think Edward
would let me… ? And what difference would it make? I’m sure any baby—”
“Yes,” I snapped. “Any kid of his would be the same.”
Her tired face just got more confused. “What?”
But I couldn’t say any more. There was no point. I would never be able to save her
from herself. I’d never been able to do that.
Then she blinked, and I could see she got it.
“Oh. Ugh. Please, Jacob. You think I should kill my baby and replace it with some
generic substitute? Artificial insemination?” She was mad now. “Why would I
want to have some stranger’s baby? I suppose it just doesn’t make a difference?
Any baby will do?”
“I didn’t mean that,” I muttered. “Not a stranger.”
She leaned forward. “Then what are you saying?”
“Nothing. I’m saying nothing. Same as ever.”
“Where did that come from?”
“Forget it, Bella.”
She frowned, suspicious. “Did he tell you to say that?”
I hesitated, surprised that she’d made that leap so quick. “No.”
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“He did, didn’t he?”
“No, really. He didn’t say anything about artificial whatever.”
Her face softened then, and she sank back against the pillows, looking exhausted.
She stared off to the side when she spoke, not talking to me at all. “He would do
anything for me. And I’m hurting him so much.… But what is he thinking? That I
would trade this”—her hand traced across her belly—“for some stranger’s . . .” She
mumbled the last part, and then her voice trailed off. Her eyes were wet.
“You don’t have to hurt him,” I whispered. It burned like poison in my mouth to
beg for him, but I knew this angle was probably my best bet for keeping her alive.
Still a thousand-to-one odds. “You could make him happy again, Bella. And I
really think he’s losing it. Honestly, I do.”
She didn’t seem to be listening; her hand made small circles on her battered
stomach while she chewed on her lip. It was quiet for a long time. I wondered if
the Cullens were very far away. Were they listening to my pathetic attempts to
reason with her?
“Not a stranger?” she murmured to herself. I flinched. “What exactly did Edward
say to you?” she asked in a low voice.
“Nothing. He just thought you might listen to me.”
“Not that. About trying again.”
Her eyes locked on mine, and I could see that I’d already given too much away.
“Nothing.”
Her mouth fell open a little. “Wow.”
It was silent for a few heartbeats. I looked down at my feet again, unable to meet
her stare.
“He really would do anything, wouldn’t he?” she whispered.
“I told you he was going crazy. Literally, Bells.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t tell on him right away. Get him in trouble.”
When I looked up, she was grinning.
“Thought about it.” I tried to grin back, but I could feel the smile mangle on my
face.
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She knew what I was offering, and she wasn’t going to think twice about it. I’d
known that she wouldn’t. But it still stung.
“There isn’t much you wouldn’t do for me, either, is there?” she whispered. “I
really don’t know why you bother. I don’t deserve either of you.”
“It makes no difference, though, does it?”
“Not this time.” She sighed. “I wish I could explain it to you right so that you
would understand. I can’t hurt him”—she pointed to her stomach—“any more
than I could pick up a gun and shoot you. I love him.”
“Why do you always have to love the wrong things, Bella?”
“I don’t think I do.”
I cleared the lump out of my throat so that I could make my voice hard like I
wanted it. “Trust me.”
I started to get to my feet.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m not doing any good here.”
She held out her thin hand, pleading. “Don’t go.”
I could feel the addiction sucking at me, trying to keep me near her.
“I don’t belong here. I’ve got to get back.”
“Why did you come today?” she asked, still reaching limply.
“Just to see if you were really alive. I didn’t believe you were sick like Charlie
said.”
I couldn’t tell from her face whether she bought that or not.
“Will you come back again? Before . . .”
“I’m not going to hang around and watch you die, Bella.”
She flinched. “You’re right, you’re right. You should go.”
I headed for the door.
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“Bye,” she whispered behind me. “Love you, Jake.”
I almost went back. I almost turned around and fell down on my knees and
started begging again. But I knew that I had to quit Bella, quit her cold turkey,
before she killed me, like she was going to kill him.
“Sure, sure,” I mumbled on my way out.
I didn’t see any of the vampires. I ignored my bike, standing all alone in the
middle of the meadow. It wasn’t fast enough for me now. My dad would be
freaked out—Sam, too. What would the pack make of the fact that they hadn’t
heard me phase? Would they think the Cullens got me before I’d had the chance?
I stripped down, not caring who might be watching, and started running. I
blurred into wolf mid-stride.
They were waiting. Of course they were.
Jacob, Jake, eight voices chorused in relief.
Come home now, the Alpha voice ordered. Sam was furious.
I felt Paul fade out, and I knew Billy and Rachel were waiting to hear what had
happened to me. Paul was too anxious to give them the good news that I wasn’t
vampire chow to listen to the whole story.
I didn’t have to tell the pack I was on my way—they could see the forest blurring
past me as I sprinted for home. I didn’t have to tell them that I was half-past
crazy, either. The sickness in my head was obvious.
They saw all the horror—Bella’s mottled stomach; her raspy voice: he’s strong,
that’s all; the burning man in Edward’s face: watching her sicken and waste
away… seeing it hurting her; Rosalie crouched over Bella’s limp body: Bella’s life
means nothing to her—and for once, no one had anything to say.
Their shock was just a silent shout in my head. Wordless.
!!!!
I was halfway home before anyone recovered. Then they all started running to
meet me.
It was almost dark—the clouds covered the sunset completely. I risked darting
across the freeway and made it without being seen.
We met up about ten miles out of La Push, in a clearing left by the loggers. It was
out of the way, wedged between two spurs of the mountain, where no one would
see us. Paul found them when I did, so the pack was complete.
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The babble in my head was total chaos. Everyone shouting at once.
Sam’s hackles were sticking straight up, and he was growling in an unbroken
stream as he paced back and forth around the top of the ring. Paul and Jared
moved like shadows behind him, their ears flat against the sides of their head.
The whole circle was agitated, on their feet and snarling in low bursts.
At first their anger was undefined, and I thought I was in for it. I was too messed
up to care about that. They could do whatever they wanted to me for
circumventing orders.
And then the unfocused confusion of thoughts began to move together.
How can this be? What does it mean? What will it be?
Not safe. Not right. Dangerous.
Unnatural. Monstrous. An abomination.
We can’t allow it.
The pack was pacing in synchronization now, thinking in synchronization, all but
myself and one other. I sat beside whichever brother it was, too dazed to look
over with either my eyes or my mind and see who was next to me, while the pack
circled around us.
The treaty does not cover this.
This puts everyone in danger.
I tried to understand the spiraling voices, tried to follow the curling pathway the
thoughts made to see where they were leading, but it wasn’t making sense. The
pictures in the center of their thoughts were my pictures—the very worst of them.
Bella’s bruises, Edward’s face as he burned.
They fear it, too.
But they won’t do anything about it.
Protecting Bella Swan.
We can’t let that influence us.
The safety of our families, of everyone here, is more important than one human.
If they won’t kill it, we have to.
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Protect the tribe.
Protect our families.
We have to kill it before it’s too late.
Another of my memories, Edward’s words this time: The thing is growing.
Swiftly.
I struggled to focus, to pick out individual voices.
No time to waste, Jared thought.
It will mean a fight, Embry cautioned. A bad one.
We’re ready, Paul insisted.
We’ll need surprise on our side, Sam thought.
If we catch them divided, we can take them down separately. It will increase
our chances of victory, Jared thought, starting to strategize now.
I shook my head, rising slowly to my feet. I felt unsteady there—like the circling
wolves were making me dizzy. The wolf beside me got up, too. His shoulder
pushed against mine, propping me up.
Wait, I thought.
The circling paused for one beat, and then they were pacing again.
There’s little time, Sam said.
But—what are you thinking? You wouldn’t attack them for breaking the treaty
this afternoon. Now you’re planning an ambush, when the treaty is still intact?
This is not something our treaty anticipated, Sam said. This is a danger to every
human in the area. We don’t know what kind of creature the Cullens have bred,
but we know that it is strong and fast-growing. And it will be too young to
follow any treaty. Remember the newborn vampires we fought? Wild, violent,
beyond the reach of reason or restraint. Imagine one like that, but protected by
the Cullens.
We don’t know— I tried to interrupt.
We don’t know, he agreed. And we can’t take chances with the unknown in this
case. We can only allow the Cullens to exist while we’re absolutely sure that they
can be trusted not to cause harm. This… thing cannot be trusted.
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They don’t like it any more than we do.
Sam pulled Rosalie’s face, her protective crouch, from my mind and put it on
display for everyone.
Some are ready to fight for it, no matter what it is.
It’s just a baby, for crying out loud.
Not for long, Leah whispered.
Jake, buddy, this is a big problem, Quil said. We can’t just ignore it.
You’re making it into something bigger than it is, I argued. The only one who’s
in danger here is Bella.
Again by her own choice, Sam said. But this time her choice affects us all.
I don’t think so.
We can’t take that chance. We won’t allow a blood drinker to hunt on our lands.
Then tell them to leave, the wolf who was still supporting me said. It was Seth. Of
course.
And inflict the menace on others? When blood drinkers cross our land, we
destroy them, no matter where they plan to hunt. We protect everyone we can.
This is crazy, I said. This afternoon you were afraid to put the pack in danger.
This afternoon I didn’t know our families were at risk.
I can’t believe this! How’re you going to kill this creature without killing Bella?
There were no words, but the silence was full of meaning.
I howled. She’s human, too! Doesn’t our protection apply to her?
She’s dying anyway, Leah thought. We’ll just shorten the process.
That did it. I leaped away from Seth, toward his sister, with my teeth bared. I was
about to catch her left hind leg when I felt Sam’s teeth cut into my flank, dragging
me back.
I howled in pain and fury and turned on him.
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Stop! he ordered in the double timbre of the Alpha.
My legs seemed to buckle under me. I jerked to a halt, only managing to keep on
my feet by sheer willpower.
He turned his gaze away from me. You will not be cruel to him, Leah, he
commanded her. Bella’s sacrifice is a heavy price, and we will all recognize that.
It is against everything we stand for to take a human life. Making an exception
to that code is a bleak thing. We will all mourn for what we do tonight.
Tonight? Seth repeated, shocked. Sam—I think we should talk about this some
more. Consult with the Elders, at least. You can’t seriously mean for us to—
We can’t afford your tolerance for the Cullens now. There is no time for debate.
You will do as you are told, Seth.
Seth’s front knees folded, and his head fell forward under the weight of the
Alpha’s command.
Sam paced in a tight circle around the two of us.
We need the whole pack for this. Jacob, you are our strongest fighter. You will
fight with us tonight. I understand that this is hard for you, so you will
concentrate on their fighters—Emmett and Jasper Cullen. You don’t have to be
involved with the… other part. Quil and Embry will fight with you.
My knees trembled; I struggled to hold myself upright while the voice of the
Alpha lashed at my will.
Paul, Jared, and I will take on Edward and Rosalie. I think, from the
information Jacob has brought us, they will be the ones guarding Bella. Carlisle
and Alice will also be close, possibly Esme. Brady, Collin, Seth, and Leah will
concentrate on them. Whoever has a clear line on—we all heard him mentally
stutter over Bella’s name—the creature will take it. Destroying the creature is
our first priority.
The pack rumbled in nervous agreement. The tension had everyone’s fur standing
on end. The pacing was quicker, and the sound of the paws against the brackish
floor was sharper, toenails tearing into the soil.
Only Seth and I were still, the eye in the center of a storm of bared teeth and
flattened ears. Seth’s nose was almost touching the ground, bowed under Sam’s
commands. I felt his pain at the coming disloyalty. For him this was a betrayal—
during that one day of alliance, fighting beside Edward Cullen, Seth had truly
become the vampire’s friend.
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There was no resistance in him, however. He would obey no matter how much it
hurt him. He had no other choice.
And what choice did I have? When the Alpha spoke, the pack followed.
Sam had never pushed his authority this far before; I knew he honestly hated to
see Seth kneeling before him like a slave at the foot of his master. He wouldn’t
force this if he didn’t believe that he had no other choice. He couldn’t lie to us
when we were linked mind to mind like this. He really believed it was our duty to
destroy Bella and the monster she carried. He really believed we had no time to
waste. He believed it enough to die for it.
I saw that he would face Edward himself; Edward’s ability to read our thoughts
made him the greatest threat in Sam’s mind. Sam would not let someone else
take on that danger.
He saw Jasper as the second-greatest opponent, which is why he’d given him to
me. He knew that I had the best chance of any of the pack to win that fight. He’d
left the easiest targets for the younger wolves and Leah. Little Alice was no
danger without her future vision to guide her, and we knew from our time of
alliance that Esme was not a fighter. Carlisle would be more of a challenge, but
his hatred of violence would hinder him.
I felt sicker than Seth as I watched Sam plan it out, trying to work the angles to
give each member of the pack the best chance of survival.
Everything was inside out. This afternoon, I’d been chomping at the bit to attack
them. But Seth had been right—it wasn’t a fight I’d been ready for. I’d blinded
myself with that hate. I hadn’t let myself look at it carefully, because I must have
known what I would see if I did.
Carlisle Cullen. Looking at him without that hate clouding my eyes, I couldn’t
deny that killing him was murder. He was good. Good as any human we
protected. Maybe better. The others, too, I supposed, but I didn’t feel as strongly
about them. I didn’t know them as well. It was Carlisle who would hate fighting
back, even to save his own life. That’s why we would be able to kill him—because
he wouldn’t want us, his enemies, to die.
This was wrong.
And it wasn’t just because killing Bella felt like killing me, like suicide.
Pull it together, Jacob, Sam ordered. The tribe comes first.
I was wrong today, Sam.
Your reasons were wrong then. But now we have a duty to fulfill.
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I braced myself. No.
Sam snarled and stopped pacing in front of me. He stared into my eyes and a
deep growl slid between his teeth.
Yes, the Alpha decreed, his double voice blistering with the heat of his authority.
There are no loopholes tonight. You, Jacob, are going to fight the Cullens with
us. You, with Quil and Embry, will take care of Jasper and Emmett. You are
obligated to protect the tribe. That is why you exist. You will perform this
obligation.
My shoulders hunched as the edict crushed me. My legs collapsed, and I was on
my belly under him.
No member of the pack could refuse the Alpha.
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11. THE TWO THINGS AT THE VERY TOP OF MY
THINGS-I-NEVER-WANT-TO-DO LIST
Sam started moving the others into formation while I was still on the ground.
Embry and Quil were at my sides, waiting for me to recover and take the point.
I could feel the drive, the need, to get on my feet and lead them. The compulsion
grew, and I fought it uselessly, cringing on the ground where I was.
Embry whined quietly in my ear. He didn’t want to think the words, afraid that he
would bring me to Sam’s attention again. I felt his wordless plea for me to get up,
for me to get this over with and be done with it.
There was fear in the pack, not so much for self but for the whole. We couldn’t
imagine that we would all make it out alive tonight. Which brothers would we
lose? Which minds would leave us forever? Which grieving families would we be
consoling in the morning?
My mind began to work with theirs, to think in unison, as we dealt with these
fears. Automatically, I pushed up from the ground and shook out my coat.
Embry and Quil huffed in relief. Quil touched his nose to my side once.
Their minds were filled with our challenge, our assignment. We remembered
together the nights we’d watched the Cullens practicing for the fight with the
newborns. Emmett Cullen was strongest, but Jasper would be the bigger
problem. He moved like a lightning strike—power and speed and death rolled
into one. How many centuries’ experience did he have? Enough that all the other
Cullens looked to him for guidance.
I’ll take point, if you want flank, Quil offered. There was more excitement in his
mind than most of the others. When Quil had watched Jasper’s instruction those
nights, he’d been dying to test his skill against the vampire’s. For him, this would
be a contest. Even knowing it was his life on the line, he saw it that way. Paul was
like that, too, and the kids who had never been in battle, Collin and Brady. Seth
probably would’ve been the same—if the opponents were not his friends.
Jake? Quil nudged me. How do you want to roll?
I just shook my head. I couldn’t concentrate—the compulsion to follow orders felt
like puppet strings hooked into all of my muscles. One foot forward, now another.
Seth was dragging behind Collin and Brady—Leah had assumed point there. She
ignored Seth while planning with the others, and I could see that she’d rather
leave him out of the fight. There was a maternal edge to her feelings for her
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younger brother. She wished Sam would send him home. Seth didn’t register
Leah’s doubts. He was adjusting to the puppet strings, too.
Maybe if you stopped resisting…, Embry whispered.
Just focus on our part. The big ones. We can take them down. We own them!
Quil was working himself up—like a pep talk before a big game.
I could see how easy it would be—to think about nothing more than my part. It
wasn’t hard to imaging attacking Jasper and Emmett. We’d been close to that
before. I’d thought of them as enemies for a very long time. I could do that now
again.
I just had to forget that they were protecting the same thing I would protect. I had
to forget the reason why I might want them to win.…
Jake, Embry warned. Keep your head in the game.
My feet moved sluggishly, pulling against the drag of the strings.
There’s no point fighting it, Embry whispered again.
He was right. I would end up doing what Sam wanted, if he was willing to push it.
And he was. Obviously.
There was a good reason for the Alpha’s authority. Even a pack as strong as ours
wasn’t much of a force without a leader. We had to move together, to think
together, in order to be effective. And that required the body to have a head.
So what if Sam was wrong now? There was nothing anyone could do. No one
could dispute his decision.
Except.
And there it was—a thought I’d never, never wanted to have. But now, with my
legs all tied up in strings, I recognized the exception with relief—more than relief,
with a fierce joy.
No one could dispute the Alpha’s decision—except for me.
I hadn’t earned anything. But there were things that had been born in me, things
that I’d left unclaimed.
I’d never wanted to lead the pack. I didn’t want to do it now. I didn’t want the
responsibility for all our fates resting on my shoulders. Sam was better at that
than I would ever be.
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But he was wrong tonight.
And I had not been born to kneel to him.
The bonds fell off my body the second that I embraced my birthright.
I could feel it gathering in me, both a freedom and also a strange, hollow power.
Hollow because an Alpha’s power came from his pack, and I had no pack. For a
second, loneliness overwhelmed me.
I had no pack now.
But I was straight and strong as I walked to where Sam stood, planning with Paul
and Jared. He turned at the sound of my advance, and his black eyes narrowed.
No, I told him again.
He heard it right away, heard the choice that I’d made in the sound of the Alpha
voice in my thoughts.
He jumped back a half step with a shocked yelp.
Jacob? What have you done?
I won’t follow you, Sam. Not for something so wrong.
He stared at me, stunned. You would… you would choose your enemies over
your family?
They aren’t—I shook my head, clearing it—they aren’t our enemies. They never
have been. Until I really thought about destroying them, thought it through, I
didn’t see that.
This isn’t about them, he snarled at me. This is about Bella. She has never been
the one for you, she has never chosen you, but you continue to destroy your life
for her!
They were hard words, but true words. I sucked in a big gulp of air, breathing
them in.
Maybe you’re right. But you’re going to destroy the pack over her, Sam. No
matter how many of them survive tonight, they will always have murder on
their hands.
We have to protect our families!
I know what you’ve decided, Sam. But you don’t decide for me, not anymore.
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Jacob—you can’t turn your back on the tribe.
I heard the double echo of his Alpha command, but it was weightless this time. It
no longer applied to me. He clenched his jaw, trying to force me to respond to his
words.
I stared into his furious eyes. Ephraim Black’s son was not born to follow Levi
Uley’s.
Is this it, then, Jacob Black? His hackles rose and his muzzle pulled back from his
teeth. Paul and Jared snarled and bristled at his sides. Even if you can defeat me,
the pack will never follow you!
Now I jerked back, a surprised whine escaping my throat.
Defeat you? I’m not going to fight you, Sam.
Then what’s your plan? I’m not stepping aside so that you can protect the
vampire spawn at the tribe’s expense.
I’m not telling you to step aside.
If you order them to follow you—
I’ll never take anyone’s will away from him.
His tail whipped back and forth as he recoiled from the judgment in my words.
Then he took a step forward so that we were toe to toe, his exposed teeth inches
from mine. I hadn’t noticed till this moment that I’d grown taller than him.
There cannot be more than one Alpha. The pack has chosen me. Will you rip us
apart tonight? Will you turn on your brothers? Or will you end this insanity and
join us again? Every word was layered with command, but it couldn’t touch me.
Alpha blood ran undiluted in my veins.
I could see why there was never more than one Alpha male in a pack. My body
was responding to the challenge. I could feel the instinct to defend my claim
rising in me. The primitive core of my wolf-self tensed for the battle of
supremacy.
I focused all my energy to control that reaction. I would not fall into a pointless,
destructive fight with Sam. He was my brother still, even though I was rejecting
him.
There is only one Alpha for this pack. I’m not contesting that. I’m just choosing
to go my own way.
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Do you belong to a coven now, Jacob?
I flinched.
I don’t know, Sam. But I do know this—
He shrunk back as he felt the weight of the Alpha in my tone. It affected him
more than his touched me. Because I had been born to lead him.
I will stand between you and the Cullens. I won’t just watch while the pack kills
innocent—it was hard to apply that word to vampires, but it was true—people.
The pack is better than that. Lead them in the right direction, Sam.
I turned my back on him, and a chorus of howls tore into the air around me.
Digging my nails into the earth, I raced away from the uproar I’d caused. I didn’t
have much time. At least Leah was the only one with a prayer of outrunning me,
and I had a head start.
The howling faded with the distance, and I took comfort as the sound continued
to rip apart the quiet night. They weren’t after me yet.
I had to warn the Cullens before the pack could get it together and stop me. If the
Cullens were prepared, it might give Sam a reason to rethink this before it was
too late. I sprinted toward the white house I still hated, leaving my home behind
me. Home didn’t belong to me anymore. I’d turned my back on it.
Today had begun like any other day. Made it home from patrol with the rainy
sunrise, breakfast with Billy and Rachel, bad TV, bickering with Paul… How did it
change so completely, turn all surreal? How did everything get messed up and
twisted so that I was here now, all alone, an unwilling Alpha, cut off from my
brothers, choosing vampires over them?
The sound I’d been fearing interrupted my dazed thoughts—it was the soft impact
of big paws against the ground, chasing after me. I threw myself forward,
rocketing through the black forest. I just had to get close enough so that Edward
could hear the warning in my head. Leah wouldn’t be able to stop me alone.
And then I caught the mood of the thoughts behind me. Not anger, but
enthusiasm. Not chasing… but following.
My stride broke. I staggered two steps before it evened out again.
Wait up. My legs aren’t as long as yours.
SETH! What do you think you’re DOING? GO HOME!
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He didn’t answer, but I could feel his excitement as he kept right on after me. I
could see through his eyes as he could see through mine. The night scene was
bleak for me—full of despair. For him, it was hopeful.
I hadn’t realized I was slowing down, but suddenly he was on my flank, running
in position beside me.
I am not joking, Seth! This is no place for you. Get out of here.
The gangly tan wolf snorted. I’ve got your back, Jacob. I think you’re right. And
I’m not going to stand behind Sam when—
Oh yes you are the hell going to stand behind Sam! Get your furry butt back to
La Push and do what Sam tells you to do.
No.
Go, Seth!
Is that an order, Jacob?
His question brought me up short. I skidded to a halt, my nails gouging furrows
in the mud.
I’m not ordering anyone to do anything. I’m just telling you what you already
know.
He plopped down on his haunches beside me. I’ll tell you what I know—I know
that it’s awful quiet. Haven’t you noticed?
I blinked. My tail swished nervously as I realized what he was thinking
underneath the words. It wasn’t quiet in one sense. Howls still filled the air, far
away in the west.
They haven’t phased back, Seth said.
I knew that. The pack would be on red alert now. They would be using the mind
link to see all sides clearly. But I couldn’t hear what they were thinking. I could
only hear Seth. No one else.
Looks to me like separate packs aren’t linked. Huh. Guess there was no reason
for our fathers to know that before. ’Cause there was no reason for separate
packs before. Never enough wolves for two. Wow. It’s really quiet. Sort of eerie.
But also kinda nice, don’t you think? I bet it was easier, like this, for Ephraim
and Quil and Levi. Not such a babble with just three. Or just two.
Shut up, Seth.
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Yes, sir.
Stop that! There are not two packs. There is THE pack, and then there is me.
That’s all. So you can go home now.
If there aren’t two packs, then why can we hear each other and not the rest? I
think that when you turned your back on Sam, that was a pretty significant
move. A change. And when I followed you away, I think that was significant,
too.
You’ve got a point, I conceded. But what can change can change right back.
He got up and started trotting toward the east. No time to argue about it now.
We should be moving right along before Sam…
He was right about that part. There was no time for this argument. I fell into a
run again, not pushing myself quite as hard. Seth stayed on my heels, holding the
Second’s traditional place on my right flank.
I can run somewhere else, he thought, his nose dipping a little. I didn’t follow
you because I was after a promotion.
Run wherever you want. Makes no difference to me.
There was no sound of pursuit, but we both stepped it up a little at the same time.
I was worried now. If I couldn’t tap into the pack’s mind, it was going to make
this more difficult. I’d have no more advance warning of attack than the Cullens.
We’ll run patrols, Seth suggested.
And what do we do if the pack challenges us? My eyes tightened. Attack our
brothers? Your sister?
No—we sound the alarm and fall back.
Good answer. But then what? I don’t think…
I know, he agreed. Less confident now. I don’t think I can fight them, either. But
they won’t be any happier with the idea of attacking us than we are with
attacking them. That might be enough to stop them right there. Plus, there’re
only eight of them now.
Stop being so… Took me a minute to decide on the right word. Optimistic. It’s
getting on my nerves.
No problem. You want me to be all doom and gloom, or just shut up?
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Just shut up.
Can do.
Really? Doesn’t seem like it.
He was finally quiet.
And then we were across the road and moving through the forest that ringed the
Cullens’ house. Could Edward hear us yet?
Maybe we should be thinking something like, “We come in peace.”
Go for it.
Edward? He called the name tentatively. Edward, you there? Okay, now I feel
kinda stupid.
You sound stupid, too.
Think he can hear us?
We were less than a mile out now. I think so. Hey, Edward. If you can hear me—
circle the wagons, bloodsucker. You’ve got a problem.
We’ve got a problem, Seth corrected.
Then we broke through the trees into the big lawn. The house was dark, but not
empty. Edward stood on the porch between Emmett and Jasper. They were snow
white in the pale light.
“Jacob? Seth? What’s going on?”
I slowed and then paced back a few steps. The smell was so sharp through this
nose that it felt like it was honestly burning me. Seth whined quietly, hesitating,
and then he fell back behind me.
To answer Edward’s question, I let my mind run over the confrontation with
Sam, moving through it backward. Seth thought with me, filling in the gaps,
showing the scene from another angle. We stopped when we got to the part about
the “abomination,” because Edward hissed furiously and leaped off the porch.
“They want to kill Bella?” he snarled flatly.
Emmett and Jasper, not having heard the first part of the conversation, took his
inflectionless question for a statement. They were right next to him in a flash,
teeth exposed as they moved on us.
162
Hey, now, Seth thought, backing away.
“Em, Jazz—not them! The others. The pack is coming.”
Emmett and Jasper rocked back on their heels; Emmett turned to Edward while
Jasper kept his eyes locked on us.
“What’s their problem?” Emmett demanded.
“The same one as mine,” Edward hissed. “But they have their own plan to handle
it. Get the others. Call Carlisle! He and Esme have to get back here now.”
I whined uneasily. They were separated.
“They aren’t far,” Edward said in the same dead voice as before.
I’m going to go take a look, Seth said. Run the western perimeter.
“Will you be in danger, Seth?” Edward asked.
Seth and I exchanged a glance.
Don’t think so, we thought together. And then I added, But maybe I should go.
Just in case…
They’ll be less likely to challenge me, Seth pointed out. I’m just a kid to them.
You’re just a kid to me, kid.
I’m outta here. You need to coordinate with the Cullens.
He wheeled and darted into the darkness. I wasn’t going to order Seth around, so
I let him go.
Edward and I stood facing each other in the dark meadow. I could hear Emmett
muttering into his phone. Jasper was watching the place where Seth had
vanished into the woods. Alice appeared on the porch and then, after staring at
me with anxious eyes for a long moment, she flitted to Jasper’s side. I guessed
that Rosalie was inside with Bella. Still guarding her—from the wrong dangers.
“This isn’t the first time I’ve owed you my gratitude, Jacob,” Edward whispered.
“I would never have asked for this from you.”
I thought of what he’d asked me for earlier today. When it came to Bella, there
were no lines he wouldn’t cross. Yeah, you would.
He thought about it and then nodded. “I suppose you’re right about that.”
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I sighed heavily. Well, this isn’t the first time that I didn’t do it for you.
“Right,” he murmured.
Sorry I didn’t do any good today. Told you she wouldn’t listen to me.
“I know. I never really believed she would. But . . .”
You had to try. I get it. She any better?
His voice and eyes went hollow. “Worse,” he breathed.
I didn’t want to let that word sink in. I was grateful when Alice spoke.
“Jacob, would you mind switching forms?” Alice asked. “I want to know what’s
going on.”
I shook my head at the same time Edward answered.
“He needs to stay linked to Seth.”
“Well, then would you be so kind as to tell me what’s happening?”
He explained in clipped, emotionless sentences. “The pack thinks Bella’s become
a problem. They foresee potential danger from the… from what she’s carrying.
They feel it’s their duty to remove that danger. Jacob and Seth disbanded from
the pack to warn us. The rest are planning to attack tonight.”
Alice hissed, leaning away from me. Emmett and Jasper exchanged a glance, and
then their eyes ranged across the trees.
Nobody out here, Seth reported. All’s quiet on the western front.
They may go around.
I’ll make a loop.
“Carlisle and Esme are on their way,” Emmett said. “Twenty minutes, tops.”
“We should take up a defensive position,” Jasper said.
Edward nodded. “Let’s get inside.”
I’ll run perimeter with Seth. If I get too far for you to hear my head, listen for
my howl.
164
“I will.”
They backed into the house, eyes flickering everywhere. Before they were inside, I
turned and ran toward the west.
I’m still not finding much, Seth told me.
I’ll take half the circle. Move fast—we don’t want them to have a chance to sneak
past us.
Seth lurched forward in a sudden burst of speed.
We ran in silence, and the minutes passed. I listened to the noises around him,
double-checking his judgment.
Hey—something coming up fast! he warned me after fifteen minutes of silence.
On my way!
Hold your position—I don’t think it’s the pack. It sounds different.
Seth—
But he caught the approaching scent on the breeze, and I read it in his mind.
Vampire. Bet it’s Carlisle.
Seth, fall back. It might be someone else.
No, it’s them. I recognize the scent. Hold up, I’m going to phase to explain it to
them.
Seth, I don’t think—
But he was gone.
Anxiously, I raced along the western border. Wouldn’t it be just peachy if I
couldn’t take care of Seth for one freaking night? What if something happened to
him on my watch? Leah would shred me into kibble.
At least the kid kept it short. It wasn’t two minutes later when I felt him in my
head again.
Yep, Carlisle and Esme. Boy, were they surprised to see me! They’re probably
inside by now. Carlisle said thanks.
He’s a good guy.
165
Yeah. That’s one of the reasons why we’re right about this.
Hope so.
Why’re you so down, Jake? I’ll bet Sam won’t bring the pack tonight. He’s not
going to launch a suicide mission.
I sighed. It didn’t seem to matter, either way.
Oh. This isn’t about Sam so much, is it?
I made the turn at the end of my patrol. I caught Seth’s scent where he’d turned
last. We weren’t leaving any gaps.
You think Bella’s going to die anyway, Seth whispered.
Yeah, she is.
Poor Edward. He must be crazy.
Literally.
Edward’s name brought other memories boiling to the surface. Seth read them in
astonishment.
And then he was howling. Oh, man! No way! You did not! That just plain ol’
sucks rocks, Jacob! And you know it, too! I can’t believe you said you’d kill him.
What is that? You have to tell him no.
Shut up, shut up, you idiot! They’re going to think the pack is coming!
Oops! He cut off mid-howl.
I wheeled and started loping in toward the house. Just keep out of this, Seth.
Take the whole circle for now.
Seth seethed and I ignored him.
False alarm, false alarm, I thought as I ran closer in. Sorry. Seth is young. He
forgets things. No one’s attacking. False alarm.
When I got to the meadow, I could see Edward staring out of a dark window. I
ran in, wanting to be sure he got the message.
There’s nothing out there—you got that?
He nodded once.
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This would be a lot easier if the communication wasn’t one way. Then again, I
was kinda glad I wasn’t in his head.
He looked over his shoulder, back into the house, and I saw a shudder run
through his whole frame. He waved me away without looking in my direction
again and then moved out of my view.
What’s going on?
Like I was going to get an answer.
I sat very still in the meadow and listened. With these ears, I could almost hear
Seth’s soft footfalls, miles out into the forest. It was easy to hear every sound
inside the dark house.
“It was a false alarm,” Edward was explaining in that dead voice, just repeating
what I’d told him. “Seth was upset about something else, and he forgot we were
listening for a signal. He’s very young.”
“Nice to have toddlers guarding the fort,” a deeper voice grumbled. Emmett, I
thought.
“They’ve done us a great service tonight, Emmett,” Carlisle said. “At great
personal sacrifice.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m just jealous. Wish I was out there.”
“Seth doesn’t think Sam will attack now,” Edward said mechanically. “Not with us
forewarned, and lacking two members of the pack.”
“What does Jacob think?” Carlisle asked.
“He’s not as optimistic.”
No one spoke. There was a quiet dripping sound that I couldn’t place. I heard
their low breathing—and I could separate Bella’s from the rest. It was harsher,
labored. It hitched and broke in strange rhythms. I could hear her heart. It
seemed… too fast. I paced it against my own heartbeat, but I wasn’t sure if that
was any measure. It wasn’t like I was normal.
“Don’t touch her! You’ll wake her up,” Rosalie whispered.
Someone sighed.
“Rosalie,” Carlisle murmured.
167
“Don’t start with me, Carlisle. We let you have your way earlier, but that’s all
we’re allowing.”
It seemed like Rosalie and Bella were both talking in plurals now. Like they’d
formed a pack of their own.
I paced quietly in front of the house. Each pass brought me a little closer. The
dark windows were like a TV set running in some dull waiting room—it was
impossible to keep my eyes off them for long.
A few more minutes, a few more passes, and my fur was brushing the side of the
porch as I paced.
I could see up through the windows—see the top of the walls and the ceiling, the
unlit chandelier that hung there. I was tall enough that all I would have to do was
stretch my neck a little… and maybe one paw up on the edge of the porch.…
I peeked into the big, open front room, expecting to see something very similar to
the scene this afternoon. But it had changed so much that I was confused at first.
For a second I thought I’d gotten the wrong room.
The glass wall was gone—it looked like metal now. And the furniture was all
dragged out of the way, with Bella curled up awkwardly on a narrow bed in the
center of the open space. Not a normal bed—one with rails like in a hospital. Also
like a hospital were the monitors strapped to her body, the tubes stuck into her
skin. The lights on the monitors flashed, but there was no sound. The dripping
noise was from the IV plugged into her arm—some fluid that was thick and white,
not clear.
She choked a little in her uneasy sleep, and both Edward and Rosalie moved in to
hover over her. Her body jerked, and she whimpered. Rosalie smoothed her hand
across Bella’s forehead. Edward’s body stiffened—his back was to me, but his
expression must have been something to see, because Emmett wrenched himself
between them before there was time to blink. He held his hands up to Edward.
“Not tonight, Edward. We’ve got other things to worry about.”
Edward turned away from them, and he was the burning man again. His eyes met
mine for one moment, and then I dropped back to all fours.
I ran back into the dark forest, running to join Seth, running away from what was
behind me.
Worse. Yes, she was worse.
168
12. SOME PEOPLE JUST DON’T GRASP THE
CONCEPT OF “UNWELCOME”
I was right on the edge of sleep.
The sun had risen behind the clouds an hour ago—the forest was gray now
instead of black. Seth’d curled up and passed out around one, and I’d woken him
at dawn to trade off. Even after running all night, I was having a hard time
making my brain shut up long enough to fall asleep, but Seth’s rhythmic run was
helping. One, two-three, four, one, two-three, four—dum dum-dum dum—dull
paw thuds against the damp earth, over and over as he made the wide circuit
surrounding the Cullens’ land. We were already wearing a trail into the ground.
Seth’s thoughts were empty, just a blur of green and gray as the woods flew past
him. It was restful. It helped to fill my head with what he saw rather than letting
my own images take center stage.
And then Seth’s piercing howl broke the early morning quiet.
I lurched up from the ground, my front legs pulling toward a sprint before my
hind legs were off the ground. I raced toward the place where Seth had frozen,
listening with him to the tread of paws running in our direction.
Morning, boys.
A shocked whine broke through Seth’s teeth. And then we both snarled as we
read deeper into the new thoughts.
Oh, man! Go away, Leah! Seth groaned.
I stopped when I got to Seth, head thrown back, ready to howl again—this time to
complain.
Cut the noise, Seth.
Right. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! He whimpered and pawed at the ground, scratching deep
furrows in the dirt.
Leah trotted into view, her small gray body weaving through the underbrush.
Stop whining, Seth. You’re such a baby.
I growled at her, my ears flattening against my skull. She skipped back a step
automatically.
What do you think you’re doing, Leah?
169
She huffed a heavy sigh. It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? I’m joining your crappy little
renegade pack. The vampires’ guard dogs. She barked out a low, sarcastic laugh.
No, you’re not. Turn around before I rip out one of your hamstrings.
Like you could catch me. She grinned and coiled her body for launch. Wanna
race, O fearless leader?
I took a deep breath, filling my lungs until my sides bulged. Then, when I was
sure I wasn’t going to scream, I exhaled in a gust.
Seth, go let the Cullens know that it’s just your stupid sister—I thought the words
as harshly as possible. I’ll deal with this.
On it! Seth was only too happy to leave. He vanished toward the house.
Leah whined, and she leaned after him, the fur on her shoulders rising. You’re
just going to let him run off to the vampires alone?
I’m pretty sure he’d rather they took him out than spend another minute with
you.
Shut up, Jacob. Oops, I’m sorry—I meant, shut up, most high Alpha.
Why the hell are you here?
You think I’m just going to sit home while my little brother volunteers as a
vampire chew toy?
Seth doesn’t want or need your protection. In fact, no one wants you here.
Oooh, ouch, that’s gonna leave a huge mark. Ha, she barked. Tell me who does
want me around, and I’m outta here.
So this isn’t about Seth at all, is it?
Of course it is. I’m just pointing out that being unwanted is not a first for me.
Not really a motivating factor, if you know what I mean.
I gritted my teeth and tried to get my head straight.
Did Sam send you?
If I was here on Sam’s errand, you wouldn’t be able to hear me. My allegiance is
no longer with him.
170
I listened carefully to the thoughts mixed in with the words. If this was a
diversion or a ploy, I had to be alert enough to see through it. But there was
nothing. Her declaration was nothing but the truth. Unwilling, almost despairing
truth.
You’re loyal to me now? I asked with deep sarcasm. Uh-huh. Right.
My choices are limited. I’m working with the options I’ve got. Trust me, I’m not
enjoying this any more than you are.
That wasn’t true. There was an edgy kind of excitement in her mind. She was
unhappy about this, but she was also riding some weird high. I searched her
mind, trying to understand.
She bristled, resenting the intrusion. I usually tried to tune Leah out—I’d never
tried to make sense of her before.
We were interrupted by Seth, thinking his explanation at Edward. Leah whined
anxiously. Edward’s face, framed in the same window as last night, showed no
reaction to the news. It was a blank face, dead.
Wow, he looks bad, Seth muttered to himself. The vampire showed no reaction to
that thought, either. He disappeared into the house. Seth pivoted and headed
back out to us. Leah relaxed a little.
What’s going on? Leah asked. Catch me up to speed.
There’s no point. You’re not staying.
Actually, Mr. Alpha, I am. Because since apparently I have to belong to
someone—and don’t think I haven’t tried breaking off on my own, you know
yourself how well that doesn’t work—I choose you.
Leah, you don’t like me. I don’t like you.
Thank you, Captain Obvious. That doesn’t matter to me. I’m staying with Seth.
You don’t like vampires. Don’t you think that’s a little conflict of interest right
there?
You don’t like vampires either.
But I am committed to this alliance. You aren’t.
I’ll keep my distance from them. I can run patrols out here, just like Seth.
And I’m supposed to trust you with that?
171
She stretched her neck, leaning up on her toes, trying to be as tall as me as she
stared into my eyes. I will not betray my pack.
I wanted to throw my head back and howl, like Seth had before. This isn’t your
pack! This isn’t even a pack. This is just me, going off on my own! What is it with
you Clearwaters? Why can’t you leave me alone?
Seth, just coming up behind us now, whined; I’d offended him. Great.
I’ve been helpful, haven’t I, Jake?
You haven’t made too much a nuisance of yourself, kid, but if you and Leah are
a package deal—if the only way to get rid of her is for you to go home.… Well,
can you blame me for wanting you gone?
Ugh, Leah, you ruin everything!
Yeah, I know, she told him, and the thought was loaded with the heaviness of her
despair.
I felt the pain in the three little words, and it was more than I would’ve guessed. I
didn’t want to feel that. I didn’t want to feel bad for her. Sure, the pack was rough
on her, but she brought it all on herself with the bitterness that tainted her every
thought and made being in her head a nightmare.
Seth was feeling guilty, too. Jake… You’re not really gonna send me away, are
you? Leah’s not so bad. Really. I mean, with her here, we can push the perimeter
out farther. And this puts Sam down to seven. There’s no way he’s going to
mount an attack that outnumbered. It’s probably a good thing.…
You know I don’t want to lead a pack, Seth.
So don’t lead us, Leah offered.
I snorted. Sounds perfect to me. Run along home now.
Jake, Seth thought. I belong here. I do like vampires. Cullens, anyway. They’re
people to me, and I’m going to protect them, ’cause that’s what we’re supposed
to do.
Maybe you belong, kid, but your sister doesn’t. And she’s going to go wherever
you are—
I stopped short, because I saw something when I said that. Something Leah had
been trying not to think.
Leah wasn’t going anywhere.
172
Thought this was about Seth, I thought sourly.
She flinched. Of course I’m here for Seth.
And to get away from Sam.
Her jaw clenched. I don’t have to explain myself to you. I just have to do what
I’m told. I belong to your pack, Jacob. The end.
I paced away from her, growling.
Crap. I was never going to get rid of her. As much as she disliked me, as much as
she loathed the Cullens, as happy as she’d be to go kill all the vampires right now,
as much as it pissed her off to have to protect them instead—none of that was
anything compared to what she felt being free of Sam.
Leah didn’t like me, so it wasn’t such a chore having me wish she would
disappear.
She loved Sam. Still. And having him wish she would disappear was more pain
than she was willing to live with, now that she had a choice. She would have taken
any other option. Even if it meant moving in with the Cullens as their lapdog.
I don’t know if I’d go that far, she thought. She tried to make the words tough,
aggressive, but there were big cracks in her show. I’m sure I’d give killing myself
a few good tries first.
Look, Leah…
No, you look, Jacob. Stop arguing with me, because it’s not going to do any
good. I’ll stay out of your way, okay? I’ll do anything you want. Except go back
to Sam’s pack and be the pathetic ex-girlfriend he can’t get away from. If you
want me to leave—she sat back on her haunches and stared straight into my
eyes—you’re going to have to make me.
I snarled for a long, angry minute. I was beginning to feel some sympathy for
Sam, despite what he had done to me, to Seth. No wonder he was always ordering
the pack around. How else would you ever get anything done?
Seth, are you gonna get mad at me if I kill your sister?
He pretended to think about it for a minute. Well… yeah, probably.
I sighed.
Okay, then, Ms. Do-Anything-I-Want. Why don’t you make yourself useful by
telling us what you know? What happened after we left last night?
173
Lots of howling. But you probably heard that part. It was so loud that it took us
a while to figure out that we couldn’t hear either of you anymore. Sam was…
Words failed her, but we could see it in our head. Both Seth and I cringed. After
that, it was clear pretty quick that we were going to have to rethink things. Sam
was planning to talk to the other Elders first thing this morning. We were
supposed to meet up and figure out a game plan. I could tell he wasn’t going to
mount another attack right away, though. Suicide at this point, with you and
Seth AWOL and the bloodsuckers forewarned. I’m not sure what they’ll do, but I
wouldn’t be wandering the forest alone if I was a leech. It’s open season on
vamps now.
You decided to skip the meeting this morning? I asked.
When we split up for patrols last night, I asked permission to go home, to tell
my mother what had happened—
Crap! You told Mom? Seth growled.
Seth, hold off on the sibling stuff for a sec. Go on, Leah.
So once I was human, I took a minute to think things through. Well, actually, I
took all night. I bet the others think I fell asleep. But the whole two-separatepacks,
two-separate-pack-minds thing gave me a lot to sift through. In the end,
I weighed Seth’s safety and the, er, other benefits against the idea of turning
traitor and sniffing vampire stink for who knows how long. You know what I
decided. I left a note for my mom. I expect we’ll hear it when Sam finds out.…
Leah cocked an ear to the west.
Yeah, I expect we will, I agreed.
So that’s everything. What do we do now? she asked.
She and Seth both looked at me expectantly.
This was exactly the kind of thing I didn’t want to have to do.
I guess we just keep an eye out for now. That’s all we can do. You should
probably take a nap, Leah.
You’ve had as much sleep as I have.
Thought you were going to do what you were told?
Right. That’s going to get old, she grumbled, and then she yawned. Well,
whatever. I don’t care.
174
I’ll run the border, Jake. I’m not tired at all. Seth was so glad I hadn’t forced
them home, he was all but prancing with excitement.
Sure, sure. I’m going to go check in with the Cullens.
Seth took off along the new path worn into the damp earth. Leah looked after him
thoughtfully.
Maybe a round or two before I crash.… Hey Seth, wanna see how many times I
can lap you?
NO!
Barking out a low chuckle, Leah lunged into the woods after him.
I growled uselessly. So much for peace and quiet.
Leah was trying—for Leah. She kept her jibes to a minimum as she raced around
the circuit, but it was impossible not to be aware of her smug mood. I thought of
the whole “two’s company” saying. It didn’t really apply, because one was plenty
to my mind. But if there had to be three of us, it was hard to think of anyone that
I wouldn’t trade her for.
Paul? she suggested.
Maybe, I allowed.
She laughed to herself, too jittery and hyper to get offended. I wondered how long
the buzz from dodging Sam’s pity would last.
That will be my goal, then—to be less annoying than Paul.
Yeah, work on that.
I changed into my other form when I was a few yards from the lawn. I hadn’t
been planning to spend much time human here. But I hadn’t been planning to
have Leah in my head, either. I pulled on my ragged shorts and started across the
lawn.
The door opened before I got to the steps, and I was surprised to see Carlisle
rather than Edward step outside to meet me—his face looked exhausted and
defeated. For a second, my heart froze. I faltered to a stop, unable to speak.
“Are you all right, Jacob?” Carlisle asked.
“Is Bella?” I choked out.
175
“She’s… much the same as last night. Did I startle you? I’m sorry. Edward said
you were coming in your human form, and I came out to greet you, as he didn’t
want to leave her. She’s awake.”
And Edward didn’t want to lose any time with her, because he didn’t have much
time left. Carlisle didn’t say the words out loud, but he might as well have.
It had been a while since I’d slept—since before my last patrol. I could really feel
that now. I took a step forward, sat down on the porch steps, and slumped against
the railing.
Moving whisper-quiet as only a vampire could, Carlisle took a seat on the same
step, against the other railing.
“I didn’t get a chance to thank you last night, Jacob. You don’t know how much I
appreciate your… compassion. I know your goal was to protect Bella, but I owe
you the safety of the rest of my family as well. Edward told me what you had to
do. . . .”
“Don’t mention it,” I muttered.
“If you prefer.”
We sat in silence. I could hear the others in the house. Emmett, Alice, and Jasper,
speaking in low, serious voices upstairs. Esme humming tunelessly in another
room. Rosalie and Edward breathing close by—I couldn’t tell which was which,
but I could hear the difference in Bella’s labored panting. I could hear her heart,
too. It seemed… uneven.
It was like fate was out to make me do everything I’d ever sworn I wouldn’t in the
course of twenty-four hours. Here I was, hanging around, waiting for her to die.
I didn’t want to listen anymore. Talking was better than listening.
“She’s family to you?” I asked Carlisle. It had caught my notice before, when he’d
said I’d helped the rest of his family, too.
“Yes. Bella is already a daughter to me. A beloved daughter.”
“But you’re going to let her die.”
He was quiet long enough that I looked up. His face was very, very tired. I knew
how he felt.
“I can imagine what you think of me for that,” he finally said. “But I can’t ignore
her will. It wouldn’t be right to make such a choice for her, to force her.”
176
I wanted to be angry with him, but he was making it hard. It was like he was
throwing my own words back at me, just scrambled up. They’d sounded right
before, but they couldn’t be right now. Not with Bella dying. Still… I remembered
how it felt to be broken on the ground under Sam—to have no choice but be
involved in the murder of someone I loved. It wasn’t the same, though. Sam was
wrong. And Bella loved things she shouldn’t.
“Do you think there’s any chance she’ll make it? I mean, as a vampire and all that.
She told me about… about Esme.”
“I’d say there’s an even chance at this point,” he answered quietly. “I’ve seen
vampire venom work miracles, but there are conditions that even venom cannot
overcome. Her heart is working too hard now; if it should fail… there won’t be
anything for me to do.”
Bella’s heartbeat throbbed and faltered, giving an agonizing emphasis to his
words.
Maybe the planet had started turning backward. Maybe that would explain how
everything was the opposite of what it had been yesterday—how I could be
hoping for what had once seemed like the very worst thing in the world.
“What is that thing doing to her?” I whispered. “She was so much worse last
night. I saw… the tubes and all that. Through the window.”
“The fetus isn’t compatible with her body. Too strong, for one thing, but she could
probably endure that for a while. The bigger problem is that it won’t allow her to
get the sustenance she needs. Her body is rejecting every form of nutrition. I’m
trying to feed her intravenously, but she’s just not absorbing it. Everything about
her condition is accelerated. I’m watching her—and not just her, but the fetus as
well—starve to death by the hour. I can’t stop it and I can’t slow it down. I can’t
figure out what it wants.” His weary voice broke at the end.
I felt the same way I had yesterday, when I’d seen the black stains across her
stomach—furious, and a little crazy.
I clenched my hands into fists to control the shaking. I hated the thing that was
hurting her. It wasn’t enough for the monster to beat her from the inside out. No,
it was starving her, too. Probably just looking for something to sink its teeth
into—a throat to suck dry. Since it wasn’t big enough to kill anyone else yet, it
settled for sucking Bella’s life from her.
I could tell them exactly what it wanted: death and blood, blood and death.
My skin was all hot and prickly. I breathed slowly in and out, focusing on that to
calm myself.
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“I wish I could get a better idea of what exactly it is,” Carlisle murmured. “The
fetus is well protected. I haven’t been able to produce an ultrasonic image. I
doubt there is any way to get a needle through the amniotic sac, but Rosalie won’t
agree to let me try, in any case.”
“A needle?” I mumbled. “What good would that do?”
“The more I know about the fetus, the better I can estimate what it will be capable
of. What I wouldn’t give for even a little amniotic fluid. If I knew even the
chromosomal count . . .”
“You’re losing me, Doc. Can you dumb it down?”
He chuckled once—even his laugh sounded exhausted. “Okay. How much biology
have you taken? Did you study chromosomal pairs?”
“Think so. We have twenty-three, right?”
“Humans do.”
I blinked. “How many do you have?”
“Twenty-five.”
I frowned at my fists for a second. “What does that mean?”
“I thought it meant that our species were almost completely different. Less
related than a lion and a house cat. But this new life—well, it suggests that we’re
more genetically compatible than I’d thought.” He sighed sadly. “I didn’t know to
warn them.”
I sighed, too. It had been easy to hate Edward for the same ignorance. I still hated
him for it. It was just hard to feel the same way about Carlisle. Maybe because I
wasn’t ten shades of jealous in Carlisle’s case.
“It might help to know what the count was—whether the fetus was closer to us or
to her. To know what to expect.” Then he shrugged. “And maybe it wouldn’t help
anything. I guess I just wish I had something to study, anything to do.”
“Wonder what my chromosomes are like,” I muttered randomly. I thought of
those Olympic steroids tests again. Did they run DNA scans?
Carlisle coughed self-consciously. “You have twenty-four pairs, Jacob.”
I turned slowly to stare at him, raising my eyebrows.
178
He looked embarrassed. “I was… curious. I took the liberty when I was treating
you last June.”
I thought about it for a second. “I guess that should piss me off. But I don’t really
care.”
“I’m sorry. I should have asked.”
“S’okay, Doc. You didn’t mean any harm.”
“No, I promise you that I did not mean you any harm. It’s just that… I find your
species fascinating. I suppose that the elements of vampiric nature have come to
seem commonplace to me over the centuries. Your family’s divergence from
humanity is much more interesting. Magical, almost.”
“Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo,” I mumbled. He was just like Bella with all the magic
garbage.
Carlisle laughed another weary laugh.
Then we heard Edward’s voice inside the house, and we both paused to listen.
“I’ll be right back, Bella. I want to speak with Carlisle for a moment. Actually,
Rosalie, would you mind accompanying me?” Edward sounded different. There
was a little life in his dead voice. A spark of something. Not hope exactly, but
maybe the desire to hope.
“What is it, Edward?” Bella asked hoarsely.
“Nothing you need to worry about, love. It will just take a second. Please, Rose?”
“Esme?” Rosalie called. “Can you mind Bella for me?”
I heard the whisper of wind as Esme flitted down the stairs.
“Of course,” she said.
Carlisle shifted, twisting to look expectantly at the door. Edward was through the
door first, with Rosalie right on his heels. His face was, like his voice, no longer
dead. He seemed intensely focused. Rosalie looked suspicious.
Edward shut the door behind her.
“Carlisle,” he murmured.
“What is it, Edward?”
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“Perhaps we’ve been going about this the wrong way. I was listening to you and
Jacob just now, and when you were speaking of what the… fetus wants, Jacob had
an interesting thought.”
Me? What had I thought? Besides my obvious hatred for the thing? At least I
wasn’t alone in that. I could tell that Edward had a difficult time using a term as
mild as fetus.
“We haven’t actually addressed that angle,” Edward went on. “We’ve been trying
to get Bella what she needs. And her body is accepting it about as well as one of
ours would. Perhaps we should address the needs of the… fetus first. Maybe if we
can satisfy it, we’ll be able to help her more effectively.”
“I’m not following you, Edward,” Carlisle said.
“Think about it, Carlisle. If that creature is more vampire than human, can’t you
guess what it craves—what it’s not getting? Jacob did.”
I did? I ran through the conversation, trying to remember what thoughts I’d kept
to myself. I remembered at the same time that Carlisle understood.
“Oh,” he said in a surprised tone. “You think it is… thirsty?”
Rosalie hissed under her breath. She wasn’t suspicious anymore. Her revoltingly
perfect face was all lit up, her eyes wide with excitement. “Of course,” she
muttered. “Carlisle, we have all that type O negative laid aside for Bella. It’s a
good idea,” she added, not looking at me.
“Hmm.” Carlisle put his hand to his chin, lost in thought. “I wonder… And then,
what would be the best way to administer. . . .”
Rosalie shook her head. “We don’t have time to be creative. I’d say we should
start with the traditional way.”
“Wait a minute,” I whispered. “Just hold on. Are you—are you talking about
making Bella drink blood?”
“It was your idea, dog,” Rosalie said, scowling at me without ever quite looking at
me.
I ignored her and watched Carlisle. That same ghost of hope that had been in
Edward’s face was now in the doctor’s eyes. He pursed his lips, speculating.
“That’s just . . .” I couldn’t find the right word.
“Monstrous?” Edward suggested. “Repulsive?”
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“Pretty much.”
“But what if it helps her?” he whispered.
I shook my head angrily. “What are you gonna do, shove a tube down her throat?”
“I plan to ask her what she thinks. I just wanted to run it past Carlisle first.”
Rosalie nodded. “If you tell her it might help the baby, she’ll be willing to do
anything. Even if we do have to feed them through a tube.”
I realized then—when I heard how her voice got all loveydovey as she said the
word baby—that Blondie would be in line with anything that helped the little
life-sucking monster. Was that what was going on, the mystery factor that was
bonding the two of them? Was Rosalie after the kid?
From the corner of my eye, I saw Edward nod once, absently, not looking in my
direction. But I knew he was answering my questions.
Huh. I wouldn’t have thought the ice-cold Barbie would have a maternal side. So
much for protecting Bella—Rosalie’d probably jam the tube down Bella’s throat
herself.
Edward’s mouth mashed into a hard line, and I knew I was right again.
“Well, we don’t have time to sit around discussing this,” Rosalie said impatiently.
“What do you think, Carlisle? Can we try?”
Carlisle took a deep breath, and then he was on his feet. “We’ll ask Bella.”
Blondie smiled smugly—sure that, if it was up to Bella, she would get her way.
I dragged myself up from the stairs and followed after them as they disappeared
into the house. I wasn’t sure why. Just morbid curiosity, maybe. It was like a
horror movie. Monsters and blood all over the place.
Maybe I just couldn’t resist another hit of my dwindling drug supply.
Bella lay flat on the hospital bed, her belly a mountain under the sheet. She
looked like wax—colorless and sort of see-through. You’d think she was already
dead, except for the tiny movement of her chest, her shallow breathing. And then
her eyes, following the four of us with exhausted suspicion.
The others were at her side already, flitting across the room with sudden darting
motions. It was creepy to watch. I ambled along at a slow walk.
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“What’s going on?” Bella demanded in a scratchy whisper. Her waxy hand
twitched up—like she was trying to protect her balloon-shaped stomach.
“Jacob had an idea that might help you,” Carlisle said. I wished he would leave
me out of it. I hadn’t suggested anything. Give the credit to her bloodsucking
husband, where it belonged. “It won’t be… pleasant, but—”
“But it will help the baby,” Rosalie interrupted eagerly. “We’ve thought of a better
way to feed him. Maybe.”
Bella’s eyelids fluttered. Then she coughed out a weak chuckle. “Not pleasant?”
she whispered. “Gosh, that’ll be such a change.” She eyed the tube stuck into her
arm and coughed again.
Blondie laughed with her.
The girl looked like she only had hours left, and she had to be in pain, but she was
making jokes. So Bella. Trying to ease the tension, make it better for everyone
else.
Edward stepped around Rosalie, no humor touching his intense expression. I was
glad for that. It helped, just a little bit, that he was suffering worse than me. He
took her hand, not the one that was still protecting her swollen belly.
“Bella, love, we’re going to ask you to do something monstrous,” he said, using
the same adjectives he’d offered me. “Repulsive.”
Well, at least he was giving it to her straight.
She took a shallow, fluttery breath. “How bad?”
Carlisle answered. “We think the fetus might have an appetite closer to ours than
to yours. We think it’s thirsty.”
She blinked. “Oh. Oh.”
“Your condition—both of your conditions—are deteriorating rapidly. We don’t
have time to waste, to come up with more palatable ways to do this. The fastest
way to test the theory—”
“I’ve got to drink it,” she whispered. She nodded slightly—barely enough energy
for a little head bob. “I can do that. Practice for the future, right?” Her colorless
lips stretched into a faint grin as she looked at Edward. He didn’t smile back.
Rosalie started tapping her toe impatiently. The sound was really irritating. I
wondered what she would do if I threw her through a wall right now.
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“So, who’s going to catch me a grizzly bear?” Bella whispered.
Carlisle and Edward exchanged a quick glance. Rosalie stopped tapping.
“What?” Bella asked.
“It will be a more effective test if we don’t cut corners, Bella,” Carlisle said.
“If the fetus is craving blood,” Edward explained, “it’s not craving animal blood.”
“It won’t make a difference to you, Bella. Don’t think about it,” Rosalie
encouraged.
Bella’s eyes widened. “Who?” she breathed, and her gaze flickered to me.
“I’m not here as a donor, Bells,” I grumbled. “’Sides, it’s human blood that thing’s
after, and I don’t think mine applies—”
“We have blood on hand,” Rosalie told her, talking over me before I’d finished,
like I wasn’t there. “For you—just in case. Don’t worry about anything at all. It’s
going to be fine. I have a good feeling about this, Bella. I think the baby will be so
much better.”
Bella’s hand ran across her stomach.
“Well,” she rasped, barely audible. “I’m starving, so I’ll bet he is, too.” Trying to
make another joke. “Let’s go for it. My first vampire act.”
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13. GOOD THING I’VE GOT A STRONG STOMACH
Carlisle and Rosalie were off in a flash, darting upstairs. I could hear them
debating whether they should warm it up for her. Ugh. I wondered what all
house-of-horrors stuff they kept around here. Fridge full of blood, check. What
else? Torture chamber? Coffin room?
Edward stayed, holding Bella’s hand. His face was dead again. He didn’t seem to
have the energy to keep up even that little hint of hope he’d had before. They
stared into each other’s eyes, but not in a gooey way. It was like they were having
a conversation. Kind of reminded me of Sam and Emily.
No, it wasn’t gooey, but that only made it harder to watch.
I knew what it was like for Leah, having to see that all the time. Having to hear it
in Sam’s head. Of course we all felt bad for her, we weren’t monsters—in that
sense, anyway. But I guess we’d blamed her for how she handled it. Lashing out
at everyone, trying to make us all as miserable as she was.
I would never blame her again. How could anyone help spreading this kind of
misery around? How could anyone not try to ease some of the burden by shoving
a little piece of it off on someone else?
And if it meant that I had to have a pack, how could I blame her for taking my
freedom? I would do the same. If there was a way to escape this pain, I’d take it,
too.
Rosalie darted downstairs after a second, flying through the room like a sharp
breeze, stirring up the burning smell. She stopped inside the kitchen, and I heard
the creak of a cupboard door.
“Not clear, Rosalie,” Edward murmured. He rolled his eyes.
Bella looked curious, but Edward just shook his head at her.
Rosalie blew back through the room and disappeared again.
“This was your idea?” Bella whispered, her voice rough as she strained to make it
loud enough for me to hear. Forgetting that I could hear just fine. I kind of liked
how, a lot of the time, she seemed to forget that I wasn’t completely human. I
moved closer, so that she wouldn’t have to work so hard.
“Don’t blame me for this one. Your vampire was just picking snide comments out
of my head.”
She smiled a little. “I didn’t expect to see you again.”
184
“Yeah, me, either,” I said.
It felt weird just standing here, but the vampires had shoved all the furniture out
of the way for the medical setup. I imagined that it didn’t bother them—sitting or
standing didn’t make much difference when you were stone. Wouldn’t bother me
much, either, except that I was so exhausted.
“Edward told me what you had to do. I’m sorry.”
“S’okay. It was probably only a matter of time till I snapped over something Sam
wanted me to do,” I lied.
“And Seth,” she whispered.
“He’s actually happy to help.”
“I hate causing you trouble.”
I laughed once—more a bark than a laugh.
She breathed a faint sigh. “I guess that’s nothing new, is it?”
“No, not really.”
“You don’t have to stay and watch this,” she said, barely mouthing the words.
I could leave. It was probably a good idea. But if I did, with the way she looked
right now, I could be missing the last fifteen minutes of her life.
“I don’t really have anywhere else to go,” I told her, trying to keep the emotion
out of my voice. “The wolf thing is a lot less appealing since Leah joined up.”
“Leah?” she gasped.
“You didn’t tell her?” I asked Edward.
He just shrugged without moving his eyes from her face. I could see it wasn’t very
exciting news to him, not something worth sharing with the more important
events that were going down.
Bella didn’t take it so lightly. It looked like it was bad news to her.
“Why?” she breathed.
I didn’t want to get into the whole novel-length version. “To keep an eye on Seth.”
“But Leah hates us,” she whispered.
185
Us. Nice. I could see that she was afraid, though.
“Leah’s not going to bug anyone.” But me. “She’s in my pack”—I grimaced at the
words—“so she follows my lead.” Ugh.
Bella didn’t look convinced.
“You’re scared of Leah, but you’re best buds with the psychopath blonde?”
There was a low hiss from the second floor. Cool, she’d heard me.
Bella frowned at me. “Don’t. Rose… understands.”
“Yeah,” I grunted. “She understands that you’re gonna die and she doesn’t care,
s’long as she gets her mutant spawn out of the deal.”
“Stop being a jerk, Jacob,” she whispered.
She looked too weak to get mad at. I tried to smile instead. “You say that like it’s
possible.”
Bella tried not to smile back for a second, but she couldn’t help it in the end; her
chalky lips pulled up at the corners.
And then Carlisle and the psycho in question were there. Carlisle had a white
plastic cup in his hand—the kind with a lid and a bendy straw. Oh—not clear;
now I got it. Edward didn’t want Bella to have to think about what she was doing
any more than necessary. You couldn’t see what was in the cup at all. But I could
smell it.
Carlisle hesitated, the hand with the cup half-extended. Bella eyed it, looking
scared again.
“We could try another method,” Carlisle said quietly.
“No,” Bella whispered. “No, I’ll try this first. We don’t have time. . . .”
At first I thought she’d finally gotten a clue and was worried about herself, but
then her hand fluttered feebly against her stomach.
Bella reached out and took the cup from him. Her hand shook a little, and I could
hear the sloshing from inside. She tried to prop herself up on one elbow, but she
could barely lift her head. A whisper of heat brushed down my spine as I saw how
frail she’d gotten in less than a day.
Rosalie put her arm under Bella’s shoulders, supporting her head, too, like you
did with a newborn. Blondie was all about the babies.
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“Thanks,” Bella whispered. Her eyes flickered around at us. Still aware enough to
feel self-conscious. If she wasn’t so drained, I’d bet she’d’ve blushed.
“Don’t mind them,” Rosalie murmured.
It made me feel awkward. I should’ve left when Bella’d offered the chance. I
didn’t belong here, being part of this. I thought about ducking out, but then I
realized a move like that would only make this worse for Bella—make it harder
for her to go through with it. She’d figure I was too disgusted to stay. Which was
almost true.
Still. While I wasn’t going to claim responsibility for this idea, I didn’t want to
jinx it, either.
Bella lifted the cup to her face and sniffed at the end of the straw. She flinched,
and then made a face.
“Bella, sweetheart, we can find an easier way,” Edward said, holding his hand out
for the cup.
“Plug your nose,” Rosalie suggested. She glared at Edward’s hand like she might
take a snap at it. I wished she would. I bet Edward wouldn’t take that sitting
down, and I’d love to see Blondie lose a limb.
“No, that’s not it. It’s just that it—” Bella sucked in a deep breath. “It smells
good,” she admitted in a tiny voice.
I swallowed hard, fighting to keep the disgust off my face.
“That’s a good thing,” Rosalie told Bella eagerly. “That means we’re on the right
track. Give it a try.” Given Blondie’s new expression, I was surprised she didn’t
break into a touchdown dance.
Bella shoved the straw between her lips, squeezed her eyes shut, and wrinkled her
nose. I could hear the blood slopping around in the cup again as her hand shook.
She sipped at it for a second, and then moaned quietly with her eyes still closed.
Edward and I stepped forward at the same time. He touched her face. I clenched
my hands behind my back.
“Bella, love—”
“I’m okay,” she whispered. She opened her eyes and stared up at him. Her
expression was… apologetic. Pleading. Scared. “It tastes good, too.”
Acid churned in my stomach, threatening to overflow. I ground my teeth
together.
187
“That’s good,” Blondie repeated, still jazzed. “A good sign.”
Edward just pressed his hand to her cheek, curling his fingers around the shape
of her fragile bones.
Bella sighed and put her lips to the straw again. She took a real pull this time. The
action wasn’t as weak as everything else about her. Like some instinct was taking
over.
“How’s your stomach? Do you feel nauseated?” Carlisle asked.
Bella shook her head. “No, I don’t feel sick,” she whispered. “There’s a first, eh?”
Rosalie beamed. “Excellent.”
“I think it’s a bit early for that, Rose,” Carlisle murmured.
Bella gulped another mouthful of blood. Then she flashed a look at Edward.
“Does this screw my total?” she whispered. “Or do we start counting after I’m a
vampire?”
“No one is counting, Bella. In any case, no one died for this.” He smiled a lifeless
smile. “Your record is still clean.”
They’d lost me.
“I’ll explain later,” Edward said, so low the words were just a breath.
“What?” Bella whispered.
“Just talking to myself,” he lied smoothly.
If he succeeded with this, if Bella lived, Edward wasn’t going to be able to get
away with so much when her senses were as sharp as his. He’d have to work on
the honesty thing.
Edward’s lips twitched, fighting a smile.
Bella chugged a few more ounces, staring past us toward the window. Probably
pretending we weren’t here. Or maybe just me. No one else in this group would
be disgusted by what she was doing. Just the opposite—they were probably
having a tough time not ripping the cup away from her.
Edward rolled his eyes.
188
Jeez, how did anyone stand living with him? It was really too bad he couldn’t hear
Bella’s thoughts. Then he’d annoy the crap out of her, too, and she’d get tired of
him.
Edward chuckled once. Bella’s eyes flicked to him immediately, and she halfsmiled
at the humor in his face. I would guess that wasn’t something she’d seen
in a while.
“Something funny?” she breathed.
“Jacob,” he answered.
She looked over with another weary smile for me. “Jake’s a crack-up,” she agreed.
Great, now I was the court jester. “Bada bing,” I mumbled in weak rim-shot
impression.
She smiled again, and then took another swig from the cup. I flinched when the
straw pulled at empty air, making a loud sucking sound.
“I did it,” she said, sounding pleased. Her voice was clearer—rough, but not a
whisper for the first time today. “If I keep this down, Carlisle, will you take the
needles out of me?”
“As soon as possible,” he promised. “Honestly, they aren’t doing that much good
where they are.”
Rosalie patted Bella’s forehead, and they exchanged a hopeful glance.
And anyone could see it—the cup full of human blood had made an immediate
difference. Her color was returning—there was a tiny hint of pink in her waxy
cheeks. Already she didn’t seem to need Rosalie’s support so much anymore. Her
breathing was easier, and I would swear her heartbeat was stronger, more even.
Everything accelerated.
That ghost of hope in Edward’s eyes had turned into the real thing.
“Would you like more?” Rosalie pressed.
Bella’s shoulders slumped.
Edward flashed a glare at Rosalie before he spoke to Bella. “You don’t have to
drink more right away.”
“Yeah, I know. But… I want to,” she admitted glumly.
189
Rosalie pulled her thin, sharp fingers through Bella’s lank hair. “You don’t need
to be embarrassed about that, Bella. Your body has cravings. We all understand
that.” Her tone was soothing at first, but then she added harshly, “Anyone who
doesn’t understand shouldn’t be here.”
Meant for me, obviously, but I wasn’t going to let Blondie get to me. I was glad
Bella felt better. So what if the means grossed me out? It wasn’t like I’d said
anything.
Carlisle took the cup from Bella’s hand. “I’ll be right back.”
Bella stared at me while he disappeared.
“Jake, you look awful,” she croaked.
“Look who’s talking.”
“Seriously—when’s the last time you slept?”
I thought about that for a second. “Huh. I’m not actually sure.”
“Aw, Jake. Now I’m messing with your health, too. Don’t be stupid.”
I gritted my teeth. She was allowed to kill herself for a monster, but I wasn’t
allowed to miss a few nights’ sleep to watch her do it?
“Get some rest, please,” she went on. “There’re a few beds upstairs—you’re
welcome to any of them.”
The look on Rosalie’s face made it clear that I wasn’t welcome to one of them. It
made me wonder what Sleepless Beauty needed a bed for anyway. Was she that
possessive of her props?
“Thanks, Bells, but I’d rather sleep on the ground. Away from the stench, you
know.”
She grimaced. “Right.”
Carlisle was back then, and Bella reached out for the blood, absentminded, like
she was thinking of something else. With the same distracted expression, she
started sucking it down.
She really was looking better. She pulled herself forward, being careful of the
tubes, and scooted into a sitting position. Rosalie hovered, her hands ready to
catch Bella if she sagged. But Bella didn’t need her. Taking deep breaths in
between swallows, Bella finished the second cup quickly.
190
“How do you feel now?” Carlisle asked.
“Not sick. Sort of hungry… only I’m not sure if I’m hungry or thirsty, you know?”
“Carlisle, just look at her,” Rosalie murmured, so smug she should have canary
feathers on her lips. “This is obviously what her body wants. She should drink
more.”
“She’s still human, Rosalie. She needs food, too. Let’s give her a little while to see
how this affects her, and then maybe we can try some food again. Does anything
sound particularly good to you, Bella?”
“Eggs,” she said immediately, and then she exchanged a look and a smile with
Edward. His smile was brittle, but there was more life on his face than before.
I blinked then, and almost forgot how to open my eyes again.
“Jacob,” Edward murmured. “You really should sleep. As Bella said, you’re
certainly welcome to the accommodations here, though you’d probably be more
comfortable outside. Don’t worry about anything—I promise I’ll find you if there’s
a need.”
“Sure, sure,” I mumbled. Now that it appeared Bella had a few more hours, I
could escape. Go curl up under a tree somewhere.… Far enough away that the
smell couldn’t reach me. The bloodsucker would wake me up if something went
wrong. He owed me.
“I do,” Edward agreed.
I nodded and then put my hand on Bella’s. Hers was icy cold.
“Feel better,” I said.
“Thanks, Jacob.” She turned her hand over and squeezed mine. I felt the thin
band of her wedding ring riding loose on her skinny finger.
“Get her a blanket or something,” I muttered as I turned for the door.
Before I made it, two howls pierced the still morning air. There was no mistaking
the urgency of the tone. No misunderstanding this time.
“Dammit,” I snarled, and I threw myself through the door. I hurled my body off
the porch, letting the fire rip me apart midair. There was a sharp tearing sound as
my shorts shredded. Crap. Those were the only clothes I had. Didn’t matter now.
I landed on paws and took off toward the west.
What is it? I shouted in my head.
191
Incoming, Seth answered. At least three.
Did they split up?
I’m running the line back to Seth at the speed of light, Leah promised. I could
feel the air huffing through her lungs as she pushed herself to an incredible
velocity. The forest whipped around her. So far, no other point of attack.
Seth, do not challenge them. Wait for me.
They’re slowing. Ugh—it’s so off not being able to hear them. I think…
What?
I think they’ve stopped.
Waiting for the rest of the pack?
Shh. Feel that?
I absorbed his impressions. The faint, soundless shimmer in the air.
Someone’s phasing?
Feels like it, Seth agreed.
Leah flew into the small open space where Seth waited. She raked her claws into
the dirt, spinning out like a race car.
Got your back, bro.
They’re coming, Seth said nervously. Slow. Walking.
Almost there, I told them. I tried to fly like Leah. It felt horrible being separated
from Seth and Leah with potential danger closer to their end than mine. Wrong. I
should be with them, between them and whatever was coming.
Look who’s getting all paternal, Leah thought wryly.
Head in the game, Leah.
Four, Seth decided. Kid had good ears. Three wolves, one man.
I made the little clearing then, moving immediately to the point. Seth sighed with
relief and then straightened up, already in place at my right shoulder. Leah fell in
on my left with a little less enthusiasm.
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So now I rank under Seth, she grumbled to herself.
First come, first served, Seth thought smugly. ’Sides, you were never an Alpha’s
Third before. Still an upgrade.
Under my baby brother is not an upgrade.
Shh! I complained. I don’t care where you stand. Shut up and get ready.
They came into view a few seconds later, walking, as Seth had thought. Jared in
the front, human, hands up. Paul and Quil and Collin on four legs behind him.
There was no aggression in their postures. They hung back behind Jared, ears up,
alert but calm.
But… it was weird that Sam would send Collin rather than Embry. That wasn’t
what I would do if I were sending a diplomacy party into enemy territory. I
wouldn’t send a kid. I’d send the experienced fighter.
A diversion? Leah thought.
Were Sam, Embry, and Brady making a move alone? That didn’t seem likely.
Want me to check? I can run the line and be back in two minutes.
Should I warn the Cullens? Seth wondered.
What if the point was to divide us? I asked. The Cullens know something’s up.
They’re ready.
Sam wouldn’t be so stupid…, Leah whispered, fear jagged in her mind. She was
imagining Sam attacking the Cullens with only the two others beside him.
No, he wouldn’t, I assured her, though I felt a little sick at the image in her head,
too.
All the while, Jared and the three wolves stared at us, waiting. It was eerie not to
hear what Quil and Paul and Collin were saying to one another. Their expressions
were blank—unreadable.
Jared cleared his throat, and then he nodded to me. “White flag of truce, Jake.
We’re here to talk.”
Think it’s true? Seth asked.
Makes sense, but…
Yeah, Leah agreed. But.
193
We didn’t relax.
Jared frowned. “It would be easier to talk if I could hear you, too.”
I stared him down. I wasn’t going to phase back until I felt better about this
situation. Until it made sense. Why Collin? That was the part that had me most
worried.
“Okay. I guess I’ll just talk, then,” Jared said. “Jake, we want you to come back.”
Quil let out a soft whine behind him. Seconding the statement.
“You’ve torn our family apart. It’s not meant to be this way.”
I wasn’t exactly in disagreement with that, but it was hardly the point. There were
a few unresolved differences of opinion between me and Sam at the moment.
“We know that you feel… strongly about the situation with the Cullens. We know
that’s a problem. But this is an overreaction.”
Seth growled. Overreaction? And attacking our allies without warning isn’t?
Seth, you ever heard of a poker face? Cool it.
Sorry.
Jared’s eyes flickered to Seth and back to me. “Sam is willing to take this slowly,
Jacob. He’s calmed down, talked to the other Elders. They’ve decided that
immediate action is in no one’s best interest at this point.”
Translation: They’ve already lost the element of surprise, Leah thought.
It was weird how distinct our joint thinking was. The pack was already Sam’s
pack, was already “them” to us. Something outside and other. It was especially
weird to have Leah thinking that way—to have her be a solid part of the “us.”
“Billy and Sue agree with you, Jacob, that we can wait for Bella… to be separated
from the problem. Killing her is not something any of us feel comfortable with.”
Though I’d just given Seth crap for it, I couldn’t hold back a small snarl of my
own. So they didn’t quite feel comfortable with murder, huh?
Jared raised his hands again. “Easy, Jake. You know what I mean. The point is,
we’re going to wait and reassess the situation. Decide later if there’s a problem
with the… thing.”
Ha, Leah thought. What a load.
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You don’t buy it?
I know what they’re thinking, Jake. What Sam’s thinking. They’re betting on
Bella dying anyway. And then they figure you’ll be so mad…
That I’ll lead the attack myself. My ears pressed against my skull. What Leah was
guessing sounded pretty spot-on. And very possible, too. When… if that thing
killed Bella, it was going to be easy to forget how I felt about Carlisle’s family
right now. They would probably look like enemies—like no more than
bloodsucking leeches—to me all over again.
I’ll remind you, Seth whispered.
I know you will, kid. Question is whether I’ll listen to you.
“Jake?” Jared asked.
I huffed a sigh.
Leah, make a circuit—just to be sure. I’m going to have to talk to him, and I
want to be positive there isn’t anything else going on while I’m phased.
Give me a break, Jacob. You can phase in front of me. Despite my best efforts,
I’ve seen you naked before—doesn’t do much for me, so no worries.
I’m not trying to protect the innocence of your eyes, I’m trying to protect our
backs. Get out of here.
Leah snorted once and then launched herself into the forest. I could hear her
claws cutting into the soil, pushing her faster.
Nudity was an inconvenient but unavoidable part of pack life. We’d all thought
nothing of it before Leah came along. Then it got awkward. Leah had average
control when it came to her temper—it took her the usual length of time to stop
exploding out of her clothes every time she got pissed. We’d all caught a glimpse.
And it wasn’t like she wasn’t worth looking at; it was just that it was so not worth
it when she caught you thinking about it later.
Jared and the others were staring at the place where she’d disappeared into the
brush with wary expressions.
“Where’s she going?” Jared asked.
I ignored him, closing my eyes and pulling myself together again. It felt like the
air was trembling around me, shaking out from me in small waves. I lifted myself
up on my hind legs, catching the moment just right so that I was fully upright as I
shimmered down into my human self.
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“Oh,” Jared said. “Hey, Jake.”
“Hey, Jared.”
“Thanks for talking to me.”
“Yeah.”
“We want you to come back, man.”
Quil whined again.
“I don’t know if it’s that easy, Jared.”
“Come home,” he said, leaning forward. Pleading. “We can sort this out. You
don’t belong here. Let Seth and Leah come home, too.”
I laughed. “Right. Like I haven’t been begging them to do that from hour one.”
Seth snorted behind me.
Jared assessed that, his eyes cautious again. “So, what now, then?”
I thought that over for a minute while he waited.
“I don’t know. But I’m not sure things could just go back to normal anyway,
Jared. I don’t know how it works—it doesn’t feel like I can just turn this Alpha
thing off and on as the mood strikes. It feels sort of permanent.”
“You still belong with us.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Two Alphas can’t belong in the same place, Jared.
Remember how close it got last night? The instinct is too competitive.”
“So are you all just going to hang out with the parasites for the rest of your lives?”
he demanded. “You don’t have a home here. You’re already out of clothes,” he
pointed out. “You gonna stay wolf all the time? You know Leah doesn’t like eating
that way.”
“Leah can do whatever she wants when she gets hungry. She’s here by her own
choice. I’m not telling anyone what to do.”
Jared sighed. “Sam is sorry about what he did to you.”
I nodded. “I’m not angry anymore.”
“But?”
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“But I’m not coming back, not now. We’re going to wait and see how it plays out,
too. And we’re going to watch out for the Cullens for as long as that seems
necessary. Because, despite what you think, this isn’t just about Bella. We’re
protecting those who should be protected. And that applies to the Cullens, too.”
At least a fair number of them, anyway.
Seth yelped softly in agreement.
Jared frowned. “I guess there’s nothing I can say to you, then.”
“Not now. We’ll see how things go.”
Jared turned to face Seth, concentrating on him now, separate from me. “Sue
asked me to tell you—no, to beg you—to come home. She’s brokenhearted, Seth.
All alone. I don’t know how you and Leah can do this to her. Abandon her this
way, when your dad just barely died—”
Seth whimpered.
“Ease up, Jared,” I warned.
“Just letting him know how it is.”
I snorted. “Right.” Sue was tougher than anyone I knew. Tougher than my dad,
tougher than me. Tough enough to play on her kids’ sympathies if that’s what it
took to get them home. But it wasn’t fair to work Seth that way. “Sue’s known
about this for how many hours now? And most of that time spent with Billy and
Old Quil and Sam? Yeah, I’m sure she’s just perishing of loneliness. ’Course
you’re free to go if you want, Seth. You know that.”
Seth sniffed.
Then, a second later, he cocked an ear to the north. Leah must be close. Jeez, she
was fast. Two beats, and Leah skidded to a stop in the brush a few yards away.
She trotted in, taking the point in front of Seth. She kept her nose in the air, very
obviously not looking in my direction.
I appreciated that.
“Leah?” Jared asked.
She met his gaze, her muzzle pulling back a little over her teeth.
Jared didn’t seem surprised by her hostility. “Leah, you know you don’t want to
be here.”
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She snarled at him. I gave her a warning glance she didn’t see. Seth whined and
nudged her with his shoulder.
“Sorry,” Jared said. “Guess I shouldn’t assume. But you don’t have any ties to the
bloodsuckers.”
Leah very deliberately looked at her brother and then at me.
“So you want to watch out for Seth, I get that,” Jared said. His eyes touched my
face and then went back to hers. Probably wondering about that second look—
just like I was. “But Jake’s not going to let anything happen to him, and he’s not
afraid to be here.” Jared made a face. “Anyway, please, Leah. We want you back.
Sam wants you back.”
Leah’s tail twitched.
“Sam told me to beg. He told me to literally get down on my knees if I have to. He
wants you home, Lee-lee, where you belong.”
I saw Leah flinch when Jared used Sam’s old nickname for her. And then, when
he added those last three words, her hackles rose and she was yowling a long
stream of snarls through her teeth. I didn’t have to be in her head to hear the
cussing-out she was giving him, and neither did he. You could almost hear the
exact words she was using.
I waited till she was done. “I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Leah
belongs wherever she wants to be.”
Leah growled, but, as she was glaring at Jared, I figured it was in agreement.
“Look, Jared, we’re still family, okay? We’ll get past the feud, but, until we do, you
probably ought to stick to your land. Just so there aren’t misunderstandings.
Nobody wants a family brawl, right? Sam doesn’t want that, either, does he?”
“Of course, not,” Jared snapped. “We’ll stick to our land. But where is your land,
Jacob? Is it vampire land?”
“No, Jared. Homeless at the moment. But don’t worry—this isn’t going to last
forever.” I had to take a breath. “There’s not that much time… left. Okay? Then
the Cullens will probably go, and Seth and Leah will come home.”
Leah and Seth whined together, their noses turning my direction in
synchronization.
“And what about you, Jake?”
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“Back to the forest, I think. I can’t really stick around La Push. Two Alphas means
too much tension. ’Sides, I was headed that way anyway. Before this mess.”
“What if we need to talk?” Jared asked.
“Howl—but watch the line, ’kay? We’ll come to you. And Sam doesn’t need to
send so many. We aren’t looking for a fight.”
Jared scowled, but nodded. He didn’t like me setting conditions for Sam. “See
you around, Jake. Or not.” He waved halfheartedly.
“Wait, Jared. Is Embry okay?”
Surprise crossed his face. “Embry? Sure, he’s fine. Why?”
“Just wondering why Sam sent Collin.”
I watched his reaction, still suspicious that something was going on. I saw
knowledge flash in his eyes, but it didn’t look like the kind I was expecting.
“That’s not really your business anymore, Jake.”
“Guess not. Just curious.”
I saw a twitch from the corner of my eye, but I didn’t acknowledge it, because I
didn’t want to give Quil away. He was reacting to the subject.
“I’ll let Sam know about your… instructions. Goodbye, Jacob.”
I sighed. “Yeah. Bye, Jared. Hey, tell my dad that I’m okay, will you? And that I’m
sorry, and that I love him.”
“I’ll pass that along.”
“Thanks.”
“C’mon, guys,” Jared said. He turned away from us, heading out of sight to phase
because Leah was here. Paul and Collin were right on his heels, but Quil
hesitated. He yelped softly, and I took a step toward him.
“Yeah, I miss you, too, bro.”
Quil jogged over to me, his head hanging down morosely. I patted his shoulder.
“It’ll be okay.”
He whined.
199
“Tell Embry I miss having you two on my flanks.”
He nodded and then pressed his nose to my forehead. Leah snorted. Quil looked
up, but not at her. He looked back over his shoulder at where the others had
gone.
“Yeah, go home,” I told him.
Quil yelped again and then took off after the others. I’d bet Jared wasn’t waiting
super-patiently. As soon as he was gone, I pulled the warmth from the center of
my body and let it surge through my limbs. In a flash of heat, I was on four legs
again.
Thought you were going to make out with him, Leah snickered.
I ignored her.
Was that okay? I asked them. It worried me, speaking for them that way, when I
couldn’t hear exactly what they were thinking. I didn’t want to assume anything. I
didn’t want to be like Jared that way. Did I say anything you didn’t want me to?
Did I not say something I should have?
You did great, Jake! Seth encouraged.
You could have hit Jared, Leah thought. I wouldn’t have minded that.
I guess we know why Embry wasn’t allowed to come, Seth thought.
I didn’t understand. Not allowed?
Jake, didya see Quil? He’s pretty torn up, right? I’d put ten to one that Embry’s
even more upset. And Embry doesn’t have a Claire. There’s no way Quil can just
pick up and walk away from La Push. Embry might. So Sam’s not going to take
any chances on him getting convinced to jump ship. He doesn’t want our pack
any bigger than it is now.
Really? You think? I doubt Embry would mind shredding some Cullens.
But he’s your best friend, Jake. He and Quil would rather stand behind you than
face you in a fight.
Well, I’m glad Sam kept him home, then. This pack is big enough. I sighed. Okay,
then. So we’re good, for now. Seth, you mind keeping an eye on things for a
while? Leah and I both need to crash. This felt on the level, but who knows?
Maybe it was a distraction.
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I wasn’t always so paranoid, but I remembered the feel of Sam’s commitment.
The total one-track focus on destroying the danger he saw. Would he take
advantage of the fact that he could lie to us now?
No problem! Seth was only too eager to do whatever he could. You want me to
explain to the Cullens? They’re probably still kinda tense.
I got it. I want to check things out anyway.
They caught the whir of images from my fried brain.
Seth whimpered in surprise. Ew.
Leah whipped her head back and forth like she was trying to shake the image out
of her mind. That is easily the freakin’ grossest thing I’ve heard in my life. Yuck.
If there was anything in my stomach, it would be coming back.
They are vampires, I guess, Seth allowed after a minute, compensating for Leah’s
reaction. I mean, it makes sense. And if it helps Bella, it’s a good thing, right?
Both Leah and I stared at him.
What?
Mom dropped him a lot when he was a baby, Leah told me.
On his head, apparently.
He used to gnaw on the crib bars, too.
Lead paint?
Looks like it, she thought.
Seth snorted. Funny. Why don’t you two shut up and sleep?
201
14. YOU KNOW THINGS ARE BAD WHEN YOU
FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING RUDE TO VAMPIRES
When I got back to the house, there was no one waiting outside for my report.
Still on alert?
Everything’s cool, I thought tiredly.
My eyes quickly caught a small change in the now-familiar scene. There was a
stack of light-colored fabric on the bottom step of the porch. I loped over to
investigate. Holding my breath, because the vampire smell stuck to the fabric like
you wouldn’t believe, I nudged the stack with my nose.
Someone had laid out clothes. Huh. Edward must have caught my moment of
irritation as I’d bolted out the door. Well. That was… nice. And weird.
I took the clothes gingerly between my teeth—ugh—and carried them back to the
trees. Just in case this was some joke by the blond psychopath and I had a bunch
of girls’ stuff here. Bet she’d love to see the look on my human face as I stood
there naked, holding a sundress.
In the cover of the trees, I dropped the stinking pile and shifted back to human. I
shook the clothes out, snapping them against a tree to beat some of the smell
from them. They were definitely guy’s clothes—tan pants and a white buttondown
shirt. Neither of them long enough, but they looked like they’d fit around
me. Must be Emmett’s. I rolled the cuffs up on the shirtsleeves, but there wasn’t
much I could do about the pants. Oh well.
I had to admit, I felt better with some clothes to my name, even stinky ones that
didn’t quite fit. It was hard not being able to just jet back home and grab another
pair of old sweatpants when I needed them. The homeless thing again—not
having anyplace to go back to. No possessions, either, which wasn’t bothering me
too bad now, but would probably get annoying soon.
Exhausted, I walked slowly up the Cullens’ porch steps in my fancy new
secondhand clothes but hesitated when I got to the door. Did I knock? Stupid,
when they knew I was here. I wondered why no one acknowledged that—told me
either to come in or get lost. Whatever. I shrugged and let myself in.
More changes. The room had shifted back to normal—almost—in the last twenty
minutes. The big flat-screen was on, low volume, showing some chick flick that
no one seemed to be watching. Carlisle and Esme stood by the back windows,
which were open to the river again. Alice, Jasper, and Emmett were out of sight,
but I heard them murmuring upstairs. Bella was on the couch like yesterday, with
just one tube still hooked into her, and an IV hanging behind the back of the sofa.
She was wrapped up like a burrito in a couple of thick quilts, so at least they’d
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listened to me before. Rosalie was cross-legged on the ground by her head.
Edward sat at the other end of the couch with Bella’s burrito’ed feet in his lap. He
looked up when I came in and smiled at me—just a little twitch of his mouth—like
something pleased him.
Bella didn’t hear me. She only glanced up when he did, and then she smiled, too.
With real energy, her whole face lighting up. I couldn’t remember the last time
she’d looked so excited to see me.
What was with her? For crying out loud, she was married! Happily married,
too—there was no question that she was in love with her vampire past the
boundaries of sanity. And hugely pregnant, to top it off.
So why did she have to be so damn thrilled to see me? Like I’d made her whole
freakin’ day by walking through the door.
If she would just not care… Or more than that—really not want me around. It
would be so much easier to stay away.
Edward seemed to be in agreement with my thoughts—we were on the same
wavelength so much lately it was crazy. He was frowning now, reading her face
while she beamed at me.
“They just wanted to talk,” I mumbled, my voice dragging with exhaustion. “No
attack on the horizon.”
“Yes,” Edward answered. “I heard most of it.”
That woke me up a little. We’d been a good three miles out. “How?”
“I’m hearing you more clearly—it’s a matter of familiarity and concentration.
Also, your thoughts are slightly easier to pick up when you’re in your human
form. So I caught most of what passed out there.”
“Oh.” It bugged me a little, but for no good reason, so I shrugged it off. “Good. I
hate repeating myself.”
“I’d tell you to go get some sleep,” Bella said, “but my guess is that you’re going to
pass out on the floor in about six seconds, so there’s probably no point.”
It was amazing how much better she sounded, how much stronger she looked. I
smelled fresh blood and saw that the cup was in her hands again. How much
blood would it take to keep her going? At some point, would they start trotting in
the neighbors?
I headed for the door, counting off the seconds for her as I walked. “One
Mississippi… two Mississippi . . .”
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“Where’s the flood, mutt?” Rosalie muttered.
“You know how you drown a blonde, Rosalie?” I asked without stopping or
turning to look at her. “Glue a mirror to the bottom of a pool.”
I heard Edward chuckle as I pulled the door shut. His mood seemed to improve
in exact correlation to Bella’s health.
“I’ve already heard that one,” Rosalie called after me.
I trudged down the steps, my only goal to drag myself far enough into the trees
that the air would be pure again. I planned to ditch the clothes a convenient
distance from the house for future use rather than tying them to my leg, so I
wouldn’t be smelling them, either. As I fumbled with the buttons on the new
shirt, I thought randomly about how buttons would never be in style for
werewolves.
I heard the voices while I slogged across the lawn.
“Where are you going?” Bella asked.
“There was something I forgot to say to him.”
“Let Jacob sleep—it can wait.”
Yes, please, let Jacob sleep.
“It will only take a moment.”
I turned slowly. Edward was already out the door. He had an apology in his
expression as he approached me.
“Jeez, what now?”
“I’m sorry,” he said, and then he hesitated, like he didn’t know how to phrase
what he was thinking.
What’s on your mind, mind reader?
“When you were speaking to Sam’s delegates earlier,” he murmured, “I was
giving a play-by-play for Carlisle and Esme and the rest. They were concerned—”
“Look, we’re not dropping our guard. You don’t have to believe Sam like we do.
We’re keeping our eyes open regardless.”
204
“No, no, Jacob. Not about that. We trust your judgment. Rather, Esme was
troubled by the hardships this is putting your pack through. She asked me to
speak to you privately about it.”
That took me off guard. “Hardships?”
“The homeless part, particularly. She’s very upset that you are all so… bereft.”
I snorted. Vampire mother hen—bizarre. “We’re tough. Tell her not to worry.”
“She’d still like to do what she can. I got the impression that Leah prefers not to
eat in her wolf form?”
“And?” I demanded.
“Well, we do have normal human food here, Jacob. Keeping up appearances, and,
of course, for Bella. Leah is welcome to anything she’d like. All of you are.”
“I’ll pass that along.”
“Leah hates us.”
“So?”
“So try to pass it along in such a way as to make her consider it, if you don’t
mind.”
“I’ll do what I can.”
“And then there’s the matter of clothes.”
I glanced down at the ones I was wearing. “Oh yeah. Thanks.” It probably
wouldn’t be good manners to mention how bad they reeked.
He smiled, just a little. “Well, we’re easily able to help out with any needs there.
Alice rarely allows us to wear the same thing twice. We’ve got piles of brand-new
clothes that are destined for Goodwill, and I’d imagine that Leah is fairly close to
Esme’s size. . . .”
“Not sure how she’ll feel about bloodsucker castoffs. She’s not as practical as I
am.”
“I trust that you can present the offer in the best possible light. As well as the
offer for any other physical object you might need, or transportation, or anything
else at all. And showers, too, since you prefer to sleep outdoors. Please… don’t
consider yourselves without the benefits of a home.”
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He said the last line softly—not trying to keep quiet this time, but with some kind
of real emotion.
I stared at him for a second, blinking sleepily. “That’s, er, nice of you. Tell Esme
we appreciate the, uh, thought. But the perimeter cuts through the river in a few
places, so we stay pretty clean, thanks.”
“If you would pass the offer on, regardless.”
“Sure, sure.”
“Thank you.”
I turned away from him, only to stop cold when I heard the low, pained cry from
inside the house. By the time I looked back, he was already gone.
What now?
I followed after him, shuffling like a zombie. Using about the same number of
brain cells, too. It didn’t feel like I had a choice. Something was wrong. I would go
see what it was. There would be nothing I could do. And I would feel worse.
It seemed inevitable.
I let myself in again. Bella was panting, curled over the bulge in the center of her
body. Rosalie held her while Edward, Carlisle, and Esme all hovered. A flicker of
motion caught my eye; Alice was at the top of the stairs, staring down into the
room with her hands pressed to her temples. It was weird—like she was barred
from entering somehow.
“Give me a second, Carlisle,” Bella panted.
“Bella,” the doctor said anxiously, “I heard something crack. I need to take a
look.”
“Pretty sure”—pant—“it was a rib. Ow. Yep. Right here.” She pointed to her left
side, careful not to touch.
It was breaking her bones now.
“I need to take an X-ray. There might be splinters. We don’t want it to puncture
anything.”
Bella took a deep breath. “Okay.”
Rosalie lifted Bella carefully. Edward seemed like he was going to argue, but
Rosalie bared her teeth at him and growled, “I’ve already got her.”
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So Bella was stronger now, but the thing was, too. You couldn’t starve one
without starving the other, and healing worked just the same. No way to win.
Blondie carried Bella swiftly up the big staircase with Carlisle and Edward right
on her heels, none of them taking any notice of me standing dumbstruck in the
doorway.
So they had a blood bank and an X-ray machine? Guess the doc brought his work
home with him.
I was too tired to follow them, too tired to move. I leaned back against the wall
and then slid to the ground. The door was still open, and I pointed my nose
toward it, grateful for the clean breeze blowing in. I leaned my head against the
jamb and listened.
I could hear the sound of the X-ray machinery upstairs. Or maybe I just assumed
that’s what it was. And then the lightest of footsteps coming down the stairs. I
didn’t look to see which vampire it was.
“Do you want a pillow?” Alice asked me.
“No,” I mumbled. What was with the pushy hospitality? It was creeping me out.
“That doesn’t look comfortable,” she observed.
“S’not.”
“Why don’t you move, then?”
“Tired. Why aren’t you upstairs with the rest of them?” I shot back.
“Headache,” she answered.
I rolled my head around to look at her.
Alice was a tiny little thing. ’Bout the size of one of my arms. She looked even
smaller now, sort of hunched in on herself. Her small face was pinched.
“Vampires get headaches?”
“Not the normal ones.”
I snorted. Normal vampires.
“So how come you’re never with Bella anymore?” I asked, making the question an
accusation. It hadn’t occurred to me before, because my head had been full of
other crap, but it was weird that Alice was never around Bella, not since I’d been
207
here. Maybe if Alice were by her side, Rosalie wouldn’t be. “Thought you two
were like this.” I twisted two of my fingers together.
“Like I said”—she curled up on the tile a few feet from me, wrapping her skinny
arms around her skinny knees—“headache.”
“Bella’s giving you a headache?”
“Yes.”
I frowned. Pretty sure I was too tired for riddles. I let my head roll back around
toward the fresh air and closed my eyes.
“Not Bella, really,” she amended. “The… fetus.”
Ah, someone else who felt like I did. It was pretty easy to recognize. She said the
word grudgingly, the way Edward did.
“I can’t see it,” she told me, though she might have been talking to herself. For all
she knew, I was already gone. “I can’t see anything about it. Just like you.”
I flinched, and then my teeth ground together. I didn’t like being compared to the
creature.
“Bella gets in the way. She’s all wrapped around it, so she’s… blurry. Like bad
reception on a TV—like trying to focus your eyes on those fuzzy people jerking
around on the screen. It’s killing my head to watch her. And I can’t see more than
a few minutes ahead, anyway. The… fetus is too much a part of her future. When
she first decided… when she knew she wanted it, she blurred right out of my
sight. Scared me to death.”
She was quiet for a second, and then she added, “I have to admit, it’s a relief
having you close by—in spite of the wet-dog smell. Everything goes away. Like
having my eyes closed. It numbs the headache.”
“Happy to be of service, ma’am,” I mumbled.
“I wonder what it has in common with you… why you’re the same that way.”
Sudden heat flashed in the center of my bones. I clenched my fists to hold off the
tremors.
“I have nothing in common with that life-sucker,” I said through my teeth.
“Well, there’s something there.”
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I didn’t answer. The heat was already burning away. I was too dead tired to stay
furious.
“You don’t mind if I sit here by you, do you?” she asked.
“Guess not. Stinks anyway.”
“Thanks,” she said. “This is the best thing for it, I guess, since I can’t take
aspirin.”
“Could you keep it down? Sleeping, here.”
She didn’t respond, immediately lapsing into silence. I was out in seconds.
I was dreaming that I was really thirsty. And there was a big glass of water in
front of me—all cold, you could see the condensation running down the sides. I
grabbed the cup and took a huge gulp, only to find out pretty quick that it wasn’t
water—it was straight bleach. I choked it back out, spewing it everywhere, and a
bunch of it blew out of my nose. It burned. My nose was on fire.…
The pain in my nose woke me up enough to remember where I’d fallen asleep.
The smell was pretty fierce, considering that my nose wasn’t actually inside the
house. Ugh. And it was noisy. Someone was laughing too loud. A familiar laugh,
but one that didn’t go with the smell. Didn’t belong.
I groaned and opened my eyes. The skies were dull gray—it was daytime, but no
clue as to when. Maybe close to sunset—it was pretty dark.
“About time,” Blondie mumbled from not too far away. “The chainsaw
impersonation was getting a little tired.”
I rolled over and wrenched myself into a sitting position. In the process, I figured
out where the smell was coming from. Someone had stuffed a wide feather pillow
under my face. Probably trying to be nice, I’d guess. Unless it’d been Rosalie.
Once my face was out of the stinking feathers, I caught other scents. Like bacon
and cinnamon, all mixed up with the vampire smell.
I blinked, taking in the room.
Things hadn’t changed too much, except that now Bella was sitting up in the
middle of the sofa, and the IV was gone. Blondie sat at her feet, her head resting
against Bella’s knees. Still gave me chills to see how casually they touched her,
though I guess that was pretty brain-dead, all things considered. Edward was on
one side of her, holding her hand. Alice was on the floor, too, like Rosalie. Her
face wasn’t pinched up now. And it was easy to see why—she’d found another
painkiller.
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“Hey, Jake’s coming around!” Seth crowed.
He was sitting on Bella’s other side, his arm slung carelessly over her shoulders,
an overflowing plate of food on his lap.
What the hell?
“He came to find you,” Edward said while I got to my feet. “And Esme convinced
him to stay for breakfast.”
Seth took in my expression, and he hurried to explain. “Yeah, Jake—I was just
checking to see if you were okay ’cause you didn’t ever phase back. Leah got
worried. I told her you probably just crashed human, but you know how she is.
Anyway, they had all this food and, dang,”—he turned to Edward—“man, you can
cook.”
“Thank you,” Edward murmured.
I inhaled slowly, trying to unclench my teeth. I couldn’t take my eyes off Seth’s
arm.
“Bella got cold,” Edward said quietly.
Right. None of my business, anyway. She didn’t belong to me.
Seth heard Edward’s comment, looked at my face, and suddenly he needed both
hands to eat with. He took his arm off Bella and dug in. I walked over to stand a
few feet from the couch, still trying to get my bearings.
“Leah running patrol?” I asked Seth. My voice was still thick with sleep.
“Yeah,” he said as he chewed. Seth had new clothes on, too. They fit him better
than mine fit me. “She’s on it. No worries. She’ll howl if there’s anything. We
traded off around midnight. I ran twelve hours.” He was proud of that, and it
showed in his tone.
“Midnight? Wait a minute—what time is it now?”
“’Bout dawn.” He glanced toward the window, checking.
Well, damn. I’d slept through the rest of the day and the whole night—dropped
the ball. “Crap. Sorry about that, Seth. Really. You shoulda kicked me awake.”
“Naw, man, you needed some serious sleep. You haven’t taken a break since
when? Night before your last patrol for Sam? Like forty hours? Fifty? You’re not a
machine, Jake. ’Sides, you didn’t miss anything at all.”
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Nothing at all? I glanced quickly at Bella. Her color was back to the way I
remembered it. Pale, but with the rose undertone. Her lips were pink again. Even
her hair looked better—shinier. She saw me appraising and gave me a grin.
“How’s the rib?” I asked.
“Taped up nice and tight. I don’t even feel it.”
I rolled my eyes. I heard Edward grind his teeth together, and I figured her blowit-
off attitude bugged him as much at it bugged me.
“What’s for breakfast?” I asked, a little sarcastic. “O negative or AB positive?”
She stuck her tongue out at me. Totally herself again. “Omelets,” she said, but her
eyes darted down, and I saw that her cup of blood was wedged between her leg
and Edward’s.
“Go get some breakfast, Jake,” Seth said. “There’s a bunch in the kitchen. You’ve
got to be empty.”
I examined the food in his lap. Looked like half a cheese omelet and the last
fourth of a Frisbee-sized cinnamon roll. My stomach growled, but I ignored it.
“What’s Leah having for breakfast?” I asked Seth critically.
“Hey, I took food to her before I ate anything,” he defended himself. “She said
she’d rather eat roadkill, but I bet she caves. These cinnamon rolls… ” He seemed
at a loss for words.
“I’ll go hunt with her, then.”
Seth sighed as I turned to leave.
“A moment, Jacob?”
It was Carlisle asking, so when I turned around again, my face was probably less
disrespectful than it would have been if anyone else had stopped me.
“Yeah?”
Carlisle approached me while Esme drifted off toward the other room. He
stopped a few feet away, just a little bit farther away than the normal space
between two humans having a conversation. I appreciated him giving me my
space.
“Speaking of hunting,” he began in a somber tone. “That’s going to be an issue for
my family. I understand that our previous truce is inoperative at the moment, so I
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wanted your advice. Will Sam be hunting for us outside of the perimeter you’ve
created? We don’t want to take a chance with hurting any of your family—or
losing any of ours. If you were in our shoes, how would you proceed?”
I leaned away, a little surprised, when he threw it back at me like that. What
would I know about being in a bloodsucker’s expensive shoes? But, then again, I
did know Sam.
“It’s a risk,” I said, trying to ignore the other eyes I felt on me and to talk only to
him. “Sam’s calmed down some, but I’m pretty sure that in his head, the treaty is
void. As long as he thinks the tribe, or any other human, is in real danger, he’s not
going to ask questions first, if you know what I mean. But, with all that, his
priority is going to be La Push. There really aren’t enough of them to keep a
decent watch on the people while putting out hunting parties big enough to do
much damage. I’d bet he’s keeping it close to home.”
Carlisle nodded thoughtfully.
“So I guess I’d say, go out together, just in case. And probably you should go in
the day, ’cause we’d be expecting night. Traditional vampire stuff. You’re fast—go
over the mountains and hunt far enough away that there’s no chance he’d send
anyone that far from home.”
“And leave Bella behind, unprotected?”
I snorted. “What are we, chopped liver?”
Carlisle laughed, and then his face was serious again. “Jacob, you can’t fight
against your brothers.”
My eyes tightened. “I’m not saying it wouldn’t be hard, but if they were really
coming to kill her—I would be able to stop them.”
Carlisle shook his head, anxious. “No, I didn’t mean that you would be…
incapable. But that it would be very wrong. I can’t have that on my conscience.”
“It wouldn’t be on yours, Doc. It would be on mine. And I can take it.”
“No, Jacob. We will make sure that our actions don’t make that a necessity.” He
frowned thoughtfully “We’ll go three at a time,” he decided after a second. “That’s
probably the best we can do.”
“I don’t know, Doc. Dividing down the middle isn’t the best strategy.”
“We’ve got some extra abilities that will even it up. If Edward is one of the three,
he’ll be able to give us a few miles’ radius of safety.”
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We both glanced at Edward. His expression had Carlisle backtracking quickly.
“I’m sure there are other ways, too,” Carlisle said. Clearly, there was no physical
need strong enough to get Edward away from Bella now. “Alice, I would imagine
you could see which routes would be a mistake?”
“The ones that disappear,” Alice said, nodding. “Easy.”
Edward, who had gone all tense with Carlisle’s first plan, loosened up. Bella was
staring unhappily at Alice, that little crease between her eyes that she got when
she was stressed out.
“Okay, then,” I said. “That’s settled. I’ll just be on my way. Seth, I’ll expect you
back on at dusk, so get a nap in there somewhere, all right?”
“Sure, Jake. I’ll phase back soon as I’m done. Unless . . .” he hesitated, looking at
Bella. “Do you need me?”
“She’s got blankets,” I snapped at him.
“I’m fine, Seth, thanks,” Bella said quickly.
And then Esme flitted back in the room, a big covered dish in her hands. She
stopped hesitantly just behind Carlisle’s elbow, her wide, dark gold eyes on my
face. She held the dish out and took a shy step closer.
“Jacob,” she said quietly. Her voice wasn’t quite so piercing as the others’. “I
know it’s… unappetizing to you, the idea of eating here, where it smells so
unpleasant. But I would feel much better if you would take some food with you
when you go. I know you can’t go home, and that’s because of us. Please—ease
some of my remorse. Take something to eat.” She held the food out to me, her
face all soft and pleading. I don’t know how she did it, because she didn’t look
older than her mid-twenties, and she was bone pale, too, but something about her
expression suddenly reminded me of my mom.
Jeez.
“Uh, sure, sure,” I mumbled. “I guess. Maybe Leah’s still hungry or something.”
I reached out and took the food with one hand, holding it away, at arm’s length.
I’d go dump it under a tree or something. I didn’t want her to feel bad.
Then I remembered Edward.
Don’t you say anything to her! Let her think I ate it.
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I didn’t look at him to see if he was in agreement. He’d better be in agreement.
Bloodsucker owed me.
“Thank you, Jacob,” Esme said, smiling at me. How did a stone face have
dimples, for crying out loud?
“Um, thank you,” I said. My face felt hot—hotter than usual.
This was the problem with hanging out with vampires—you got used to them.
They started messing up the way you saw the world. They started feeling like
friends.
“Will you come back later, Jake?” Bella asked as I tried to make a run for it.
“Uh, I don’t know.”
She pressed her lips together, like she was trying not to smile. “Please? I might
get cold.”
I inhaled deeply through my nose, and then realized, too late, that that was not a
good idea. I winced. “Maybe.”
“Jacob?” Esme asked. I backed toward the door as she continued; she took a few
steps after me. “I left a basket of clothes on the porch. They’re for Leah. They’re
freshly washed—I tried to touch them as little as possible.” She frowned. “Do you
mind taking them to her?”
“On it,” I muttered, and then I ducked out the door before anyone could guilt me
into anything else.
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15. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK
Hey Jake, thought you said you wanted me at dusk. How come you didn’t have
Leah wake me up before she crashed?
’Cause I didn’t need you. I’m still good.
He was already picking up the north half of the circle. Anything?
Nope. Nothing but nothing.
You did some scouting?
He’d caught the edge of one of my side trips. He headed up the new trail.
Yeah—I ran a few spokes. You know, just checking. If the Cullens are going to
make a hunting trip…
Good call.
Seth looped back toward the main perimeter.
It was easier to run with him than it was to do the same with Leah. Though she
was trying—trying hard—there was always an edge to her thoughts. She didn’t
want to be here. She didn’t want to feel the softening toward the vampires that
was going on in my head. She didn’t want to deal with Seth’s cozy friendship with
them, a friendship that was only getting stronger.
Funny, though, I’d’ve thought her biggest issue would just be me. We’d always
gotten on each other’s nerves when we were in Sam’s pack. But there was no
antagonism toward me now at all, just the Cullens and Bella. I wondered why.
Maybe it was simply gratitude that I wasn’t forcing her to leave. Maybe it was
because I understood her hostility better now. Whichever, running with Leah
wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d expected.
Of course, she hadn’t eased up that much. The food and clothes Esme had sent
for her were all taking a trip downriver right now. Even after I’d eaten my share—
not because it smelled nearly irresistible away from the vampire burn, but to set a
good example of self-sacrificing tolerance for Leah—she’d refused. The small elk
she’d taken down around noon had not totally satisfied her appetite. Did make
her mood worse, though. Leah hated eating raw.
Maybe we should run a sweep east? Seth suggested. Go deep, see if they’re out
there waiting.
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I was thinking about that, I agreed. But let’s do it when we’re all awake. I don’t
want to let down our guard. We should do it before the Cullens give it a try,
though. Soon.
Right.
That got me thinking.
If the Cullens were able to get out of the immediate area safely, they really ought
to keep on going. They probably should have taken off the second we’d come to
warn them. They had to be able to afford other digs. And they had friends up
north, right? Take Bella and run. It seemed like an obvious answer to their
problems.
I probably ought to suggest that, but I was afraid they would listen to me. And I
didn’t want to have Bella disappear—to never know whether she’d made it or not.
No, that was stupid. I would tell them to go. It made no sense for them to stay,
and it would be better—not less painful, but healthier—for me if Bella left.
Easy to say now, when Bella wasn’t right there, looking all thrilled to see me and
also clinging to life by her fingernails at the same time…
Oh, I already asked Edward about that, Seth thought.
What?
I asked him why they hadn’t taken off yet. Gone up to Tanya’s place or
something. Somewhere too far for Sam to come after them.
I had to remind myself that I’d just decided to give the Cullens that exact advice.
That it was best. So I shouldn’t be mad at Seth for taking the chore out of my
hands. Not mad at all.
So what did he say? Are they waiting for a window?
No. They’re not leaving.
And that shouldn’t sound like good news.
Why not? That’s just stupid.
Not really, Seth said, defensive now. It takes some time to build up the kind of
medical access that Carlisle has here. He’s got all the stuff he needs to take care
of Bella, and the credentials to get more. That’s one of the reasons they want to
make a hunting run. Carlisle thinks they’re going to need more blood for Bella
soon. She’s using up all the O negative they stored for her. He doesn’t like
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depleting the stockpile. He’s going to buy some more. Did you know you can buy
blood? If you’re a doctor.
I wasn’t ready to be logical yet. Still seems stupid. They could bring most of it
with them, right? And steal what they need wherever they go. Who cares about
legal crap when you’re the undead?
Edward doesn’t want to take any risks moving her.
She’s better than she was.
Seriously, Seth agreed. In his head, he was comparing my memories of Bella
hooked up to the tubes with the last time he’d seen her as he’d left the house.
She’d smiled at him and waved. But she can’t move around much, you know.
That thing is kicking the hell out of her.
I swallowed back the stomach acid in my throat. Yeah, I know.
Broke another of her ribs, he told me somberly.
My stride faltered, and I staggered a step before I regained my rhythm.
Carlisle taped her up again. Just another crack, he said. Then Rosalie said
something about how even normal human babies have been known to crack
ribs. Edward looked like he was gonna rip her head off.
Too bad he didn’t.
Seth was in full report mode now—knowing it was all vitally interesting to me,
though I’d never’ve asked to hear it. Bella’s been running a fever off and on
today. Just low grade—sweats and then chills. Carlisle’s not sure what to make
of it—she might just be sick. Her immune system can’t be in peak form right
now.
Yeah, I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.
She’s in a good mood, though. She was chatting with Charlie, laughing and all—
Charlie! What?! What do you mean, she was talking to Charlie?!
Now Seth’s pace stuttered; my fury surprised him. Guess he calls every day to
talk to her. Sometimes her mom calls, too. Bella sounds so much better now, so
she was reassuring him that she was on the mend—
On the mend? What the hell are they thinking?! Get Charlie’s hopes up just so
that he can be destroyed even worse when she dies? I thought they were getting
him ready for that! Trying to prepare him! Why would she set him up like this?
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She might not die, Seth thought quietly.
I took deep breath, trying to calm myself. Seth. Even if she pulls through this,
she’s not doing it human. She knows that, and so do the rest of them. If she
doesn’t die, she’s going to have to do a pretty convincing impersonation of a
corpse, kid. Either that, or disappear. I thought they were trying to make this
easier on Charlie. Why… ?
Think it’s Bella’s idea. No one said anything, but Edward’s face kinda went right
along with what you’re thinking now.
On the same wavelength with the bloodsucker yet again.
We ran in silence for a few minutes. I started off along a new line, probing south.
Don’t get too far.
Why?
Bella asked me to ask you to stop by.
My teeth locked together.
Alice wants you, too. She says she’s tired of hanging out in the attic like the
vampire bat in the belfry. Seth snorted a laugh. I was switching off with Edward
before. Trying to keep Bella’s temperature stable. Cold to hot, as needed. I guess,
if you don’t want to do it, I could go back—
No. I got it, I snapped.
Okay. Seth didn’t make any more comments. He concentrated very hard on the
empty forest.
I kept my southern course, searching for anything new. I turned around when I
got close to the first signs of habitation. Not near the town yet, but I didn’t want
to get any wolf rumors going again. We’d been nice and invisible for a long while
now.
I passed right through the perimeter on my way back, heading for the house. As
much as I knew it was a stupid thing to do, I couldn’t stop myself. I must be some
kind of masochist.
There’s nothing wrong with you, Jake. This isn’t the most normal situation.
Shut up, please, Seth.
Shutting.
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I didn’t hesitate at the door this time; I just walked through like I owned the
place. I figured that would piss Rosalie off, but it was a wasted effort. Neither
Rosalie or Bella were anywhere in sight. I looked around wildly, hoping I’d
missed them somewhere, my heart squeezing against my ribs in a weird,
uncomfortable way.
“She’s all right,” Edward whispered. “Or, the same, I should say.”
Edward was on the couch with his face in his hands; he hadn’t looked up to
speak. Esme was next to him, her arm wrapped tight around his shoulders.
“Hello, Jacob,” she said. “I’m so glad you came back.”
“Me, too,” Alice said with a deep sigh. She came prancing down the stairs, making
a face. Like I was late for an appointment.
“Uh, hey,” I said. It felt weird to try to be polite.
“Where’s Bella?”
“Bathroom,” Alice told me. “Mostly fluid diet, you know. Plus, the whole
pregnancy thing does that to you, I hear.”
“Ah.”
I stood there awkwardly, rocking back and forth on my heels.
“Oh, wonderful,” Rosalie grumbled. I whipped my head around and saw her
coming from a hall half-hidden behind the stairway. She had Bella cradled gently
in her arms, a harsh sneer on her face for me. “I knew I smelled something
nasty.”
And, just like before, Bella’s face lit up like a kid’s on Christmas morning. Like I’d
brought her the greatest gift ever.
It was so unfair.
“Jacob,” she breathed. “You came.”
“Hi, Bells.”
Esme and Edward both got up. I watched how carefully Rosalie laid Bella out on
the couch. I watched how, despite that, Bella turned white and held her breath—
like she was set on not making any noise no matter how much it hurt.
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Edward brushed his hand across her forehead and then along her neck. He tried
to make it look as if he was just sweeping her hair back, but it looked like a
doctor’s examination to me.
“Are you cold?” he murmured.
“I’m fine.”
“Bella, you know what Carlisle told you,” Rosalie said. “Don’t downplay anything.
It doesn’t help us take care of either of you.”
“Okay, I’m a little cold. Edward, can you hand me that blanket?”
I rolled my eyes. “Isn’t that sort of the point of me being here?”
“You just walked in,” Bella said. “After running all day, I’d bet. Put your feet up
for a minute. I’ll probably warm up again in no time.”
I ignored her, going to sit on the floor next the sofa while she was still telling me
what to do. At that point, though, I wasn’t sure how.… She looked pretty brittle,
and I was afraid to move her, even to put my arms around her. So I just leaned
carefully against her side, letting my arm rest along the length of hers, and held
her hand. Then I put my other hand against her face. It was hard to tell if she felt
colder than usual.
“Thanks, Jake,” she said, and I felt her shiver once.
“Yeah,” I said.
Edward sat on the arm of the sofa by Bella’s feet, his eyes always on her face.
It was too much to hope, with all the super-hearing in the room, that no one
would notice my stomach rumbling.
“Rosalie, why don’t you get Jacob something from the kitchen?” Alice said. She
was invisible now, sitting quietly behind the back of the sofa.
Rosalie stared at the place Alice’s voice had come from in disbelief.
“Thanks, anyway, Alice, but I don’t think I’d want to eat something Blondie’s spit
in. I’d bet my system wouldn’t take too kindly to venom.”
“Rosalie would never embarrass Esme by displaying such a lack of hospitality.”
“Of course not,” Blondie said in a sugar-sweet voice that I immediately
distrusted. She got up and breezed out of the room.
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Edward sighed.
“You’d tell me if she poisoned it, right?” I asked.
“Yes,” Edward promised.
And for some reason I believed him.
There was a lot of banging in the kitchen, and—weirdly—the sound of metal
protesting as it was abused. Edward sighed again, but smiled just a little, too.
Then Rosalie was back before I could think much more about it. With a pleased
smirk, she set a silver bowl on the floor next to me.
“Enjoy, mongrel.”
It had once probably been a big mixing bowl, but she’d bent the bowl back in on
itself until it was shaped almost exactly like a dog dish. I had to be impressed
with her quick craftsmanship. And her attention to detail. She’d scratched the
word Fido into the side. Excellent handwriting.
Because the food looked pretty good—steak, no less, and a big baked potato with
all the fixings—I told her, “Thanks, Blondie.”
She snorted.
“Hey, do you know what you call a blonde with a brain?” I asked, and then
continued on the same breath, “a golden retriever.”
“I’ve heard that one, too,” she said, no longer smiling.
“I’ll keep trying,” I promised, and then I dug in.
She made a disgusted face and rolled her eyes. Then she sat in one of the
armchairs and started flicking through channels on the big TV so fast that there
was no way she could really be surfing for something to watch.
The food was good, even with the vampire stink in the air. I was getting really
used to that. Huh. Not something I’d been wanting to do, exactly…
When I was finished—though I was considering licking the bowl, just to give
Rosalie something to complain about—I felt Bella’s cold fingers pulling softly
through my hair. She patted it down against the back of my neck.
“Time for a haircut, huh?”
“You’re getting a little shaggy,” she said. “Maybe—”
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“Let me guess, someone around here used to cut hair in a salon in Paris?”
She chuckled. “Probably.”
“No thanks,” I said before she could really offer. “I’m good for a few more weeks.”
Which made me wonder how long she was good for. I tried to think of a polite
way to ask.
“So… um… what’s the, er, date? You know, the due date for the little monster.”
She smacked the back of my head with about as much force as a drifting feather,
but didn’t answer.
“I’m serious,” I told her. “I want to know how long I’m gonna have to be here.”
How long you’re gonna be here, I added in my head. I turned to look at her then.
Her eyes were thoughtful; the stress line was there between her brows again.
“I don’t know,” she murmured. “Not exactly. Obviously, we’re not going with the
nine-month model here, and we can’t get an ultrasound, so Carlisle is
guesstimating from how big I am. Normal people are supposed to be about forty
centimeters here”—she ran her finger right down the middle of her bulging
stomach—“when the baby is fully grown. One centimeter for every week. I was
thirty this morning, and I’ve been gaining about two centimeters a day,
sometimes more. . . .”
Two weeks to a day, the days flying by. Her life speeding by in fast-forward. How
many days did that give her, if she was counting to forty? Four? It took me a
minute to figure out how to swallow.
“You okay?” she asked.
I nodded, not really sure how my voice would come out.
Edward’s face was turned away from us as he listened to my thoughts, but I could
see his reflection in the glass wall. He was the burning man again.
Funny how having a deadline made it harder to think about leaving, or having her
leave. I was glad Seth’d brought that up, so I knew they were staying here. It
would be intolerable, wondering if they were about to go, to take away one or two
or three of those four days. My four days.
Also funny how, even knowing that it was almost over, the hold she had on me
only got harder to break. Almost like it was related to her expanding belly—as if
by getting bigger, she was gaining gravitational force.
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For a minute I tried to look at her from a distance, to separate myself from the
pull. I knew it wasn’t my imagination that my need for her was stronger than
ever. Why was that? Because she was dying? Or knowing that even if she didn’t,
still—best case scenario—she’d be changing into something else that I wouldn’t
know or understand?
She ran her finger across my cheekbone, and my skin was wet where she touched
it.
“It’s going to be okay,” she sort of crooned. It didn’t matter that the words meant
nothing. She said it the way people sang those senseless nursery rhymes to kids.
Rock-a-bye, baby.
“Right,” I muttered.
She curled against my arm, resting her head on my shoulder. “I didn’t think you
would come. Seth said you would, and so did Edward, but I didn’t believe them.”
“Why not?” I asked gruffly.
“You’re not happy here. But you came anyway.”
“You wanted me here.”
“I know. But you didn’t have to come, because it’s not fair for me to want you
here. I would have understood.”
It was quiet for a minute. Edward’d put his face back together. He looked at the
TV as Rosalie went on flipping through the channels. She was into the six
hundreds. I wondered how long it would take to get back to the beginning.
“Thank you for coming,” Bella whispered.
“Can I ask you something?” I asked.
“Of course.”
Edward didn’t look like he was paying attention to us at all, but he knew what I
was about to ask, so he didn’t fool me.
“Why do you want me here? Seth could keep you warm, and he’s probably easier
to be around, happy little punk. But when I walk in the door, you smile like I’m
your favorite person in the world.”
“You’re one of them.”
“That sucks, you know.”
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“Yeah.” She sighed. “Sorry.”
“Why, though? You didn’t answer that.”
Edward was looking away again, like he was staring out the windows. His face
was blank in the reflection.
“It feels… complete when you’re here, Jacob. Like all my family is together. I
mean, I guess that’s what it’s like—I’ve never had a big family before now. It’s
nice.” She smiled for half a second. “But it’s just not whole unless you’re here.”
“I’ll never be part of your family, Bella.”
I could have been. I would have been good there. But that was just a distant
future that died long before it had a chance to live.
“You’ve always been a part of my family,” she disagreed.
My teeth made a grinding sound. “That’s a crap answer.”
“What’s a good one?”
“How about, ‘Jacob, I get a kick out of your pain.’”
I felt her flinch.
“You’d like that better?” she whispered.
“It’s easier, at least. I could wrap my head around it. I could deal with it.”
I looked back down at her face then, so close to mine. Her eyes were shut and she
was frowning. “We got off track, Jake. Out of balance. You’re supposed to be part
of my life—I can feel that, and so can you.” She paused for a second without
opening her eyes—like she was waiting for me to deny it. When I didn’t say
anything, she went on. “But not like this. We did something wrong. No. I did. I
did something wrong, and we got off track. . . .”
Her voice trailed off, and the frown on her face relaxed until it was just a little
pucker at the corner of her lips. I waited for her to pour some more lemon juice
into my paper cuts, but then a soft snore came from the back of her throat.
“She’s exhausted,” Edward murmured. “It’s been a long day. A hard day. I think
she would have gone to sleep earlier, but she was waiting for you.”
I didn’t look at him.
“Seth said it broke another of her ribs.”
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“Yes. It’s making it hard for her to breathe.”
“Great.”
“Let me know when she gets hot again.”
“Yeah.”
She still had goose bumps on the arm that wasn’t touching mine. I’d barely raised
my head to look for a blanket when Edward snagged one draped over the arm of
the sofa and flung it out so that it settled over her.
Occasionally, the mind-reading thing saved time. For example, maybe I wouldn’t
have to make a big production out of the accusation about what was going on
with Charlie. That mess. Edward would just hear exactly how furious—
“Yes,” he agreed. “It’s not a good idea.”
“Then why?” Why was Bella telling her father she was on the mend when it would
only make him more miserable?
“She can’t bear his anxiety.”
“So it’s better—”
“No. It’s not better. But I’m not going to force her to do anything that makes her
unhappy now. Whatever happens, this makes her feel better. I’ll deal with the rest
afterward.”
That didn’t sound right. Bella wouldn’t just shuffle Charlie’s pain off to some later
date, for someone else to face. Even dying. That wasn’t her. If I knew Bella, she
had to have some other plan.
“She’s very sure she’s going to live,” Edward said.
“But not human,” I protested.
“No, not human. But she hopes to see Charlie again, anyway.”
Oh, this just got better and better.
“See. Charlie.” I finally looked at him, my eyes bugging. “Afterwards. See Charlie
when she’s all sparkly white with the bright red eyes. I’m not a bloodsucker, so
maybe I’m missing something, but Charlie seems like kind of a strange choice for
her first meal.”
225
Edward sighed. “She knows she won’t be able to be near him for at least a year.
She thinks she can stall. Tell Charlie she has to go to a special hospital on the
other side of the world. Keep in contact through phone calls. . . .”
“That’s insane.”
“Yes.”
“Charlie’s not stupid. Even if she doesn’t kill him, he’s going to notice a
difference.”
“She’s sort of banking on that.”
I continued to stare, waiting for him to explain.
“She wouldn’t be aging, of course, so that would set a time limit, even if Charlie
accepted whatever excuse she comes up with for the changes.” He smiled faintly.
“Do you remember when you tried to tell her about your transformation? How
you made her guess?”
My free hand flexed into a fist. “She told you about that?”
“Yes. She was explaining her… idea. You see, she’s not allowed to tell Charlie the
truth—it would be very dangerous for him. But he’s a smart, practical man. She
thinks he’ll come up with his own explanation. She assumes he’ll get it wrong.”
Edward snorted. “After all, we hardly adhere to vampire canon. He’ll make some
wrong assumption about us, like she did in the beginning, and we’ll go along with
it. She thinks she’ll be able to see him… from time to time.”
“Insane,” I repeated.
“Yes,” he agreed again.
It was weak of him to let her get her way on this, just to keep her happy now. It
wouldn’t turn out well.
Which made me think that he probably wasn’t expecting her to live to try out her
crazy plan. Placating her, so that she could be happy for a little while longer.
Like four more days.
“I’ll deal with whatever comes,” he whispered, and he turned his face down and
away so that I couldn’t even read his reflection. “I won’t cause her pain now.”
“Four days?” I asked.
He didn’t look up. “Approximately.”
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“Then what?”
“What do you mean, exactly?”
I thought about what Bella had said. About the thing being wrapped up nice and
tight in something strong, something like vampire skin. So how did that work?
How did it get out?
“From what little research we’ve been able to do, it would appear the creatures
use their own teeth to escape the womb,” he whispered.
I had to pause to swallow back the bile.
“Research?” I asked weakly.
“That’s why you haven’t seen Jasper and Emmett around. That’s what Carlisle is
doing now. Trying to decipher ancient stories and myths, as much as we can with
what we have to work with here, looking for anything that might help us predict
the creature’s behavior.”
Stories? If there were myths, then…
“Then is this thing not the first of its kind?” Edward asked, anticipating my
question. “Maybe. It’s all very sketchy. The myths could easily be the products of
fear and imagination. Though . . .”—he hesitated—“your myths are true, are they
not? Perhaps these are, too. They do seem to be localized, linked. . . .”
“How did you find… ?”
“There was a woman we encountered in South America. She’d been raised in the
traditions of her people. She’d heard warnings about such creatures, old stories
that had been passed down.”
“What were the warnings?” I whispered.
“That the creature must be killed immediately. Before it could gain too much
strength.”
Just like Sam thought. Was he right?
“Of course, their legends say the same of us. That we must be destroyed. That we
are soulless murderers.”
Two for two.
Edward laughed one hard chuckle.
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“What did their stories say about the… mothers?”
Agony ripped across his face, and, as I flinched away from his pain, I knew he
wasn’t going to give me an answer. I doubted he could talk.
It was Rosalie—who’d been so still and quiet since Bella’d fallen asleep that I’d
nearly forgotten her—who answered.
She made a scornful noise in the back of her throat. “Of course there were no
survivors,” she said. No survivors, blunt and uncaring. “Giving birth in the
middle of a disease-infested swamp with a medicine man smearing sloth spit
across your face to drive out the evil spirits was never the safest method. Even the
normal births went badly half the time. None of them had what this baby has—
caregivers with an idea of what the baby needs, who try to meet those needs. A
doctor with a totally unique knowledge of vampire nature. A plan in place to
deliver the baby as safely as possible. Venom that will repair anything that goes
wrong. The baby will be fine. And those other mothers would probably have
survived if they’d had that—if they even existed in the first place. Something I am
not convinced of.” She sniffed disdainfully.
The baby, the baby. Like that was all that mattered. Bella’s life was a minor detail
to her—easy to blow off.
Edward’s face went white as snow. His hands curved into claws. Totally
egotistical and indifferent, Rosalie twisted in her chair so that her back was to
him. He leaned forward, shifting into a crouch.
Allow me, I suggested.
He paused, raising one eyebrow.
Silently, I lifted my doggy bowl off the floor. Then, with a quick, powerful flip of
my wrist, I threw it into the back of Blondie’s head so hard that—with an
earsplitting bang—it smashed flat before it ricocheted across the room and
snapped the round top piece off the thick newel post at the foot of the stairs.
Bella twitched but didn’t wake up.
“Dumb blonde,” I muttered.
Rosalie turned her head slowly, and her eyes were blazing.
“You. Got. Food. In. My. Hair.”
That did it.
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I busted up. I pulled away from Bella so that I wouldn’t shake her, and laughed so
hard that tears ran down my face. From behind the couch, I heard Alice’s tinkling
laugh join in.
I wondered why Rosalie didn’t spring. I sort of expected it. But then I realized
that my laughing had woken Bella up, though she’d slept right through the real
noise.
“What’s so funny?” she mumbled.
“I got food in her hair,” I told her, chortling again.
“I’m not going to forget this, dog,” Rosalie hissed.
“S’not so hard to erase a blonde’s memory,” I countered. “Just blow in her ear.”
“Get some new jokes,” she snapped.
“C’mon, Jake. Leave Rose alo—” Bella broke off mid-sentence and sucked in a
sharp breath. In the same second, Edward was leaning over the top of me, ripping
the blanket out of the way. She seemed to convulse, her back arching off the sofa.
“He’s just,” she panted, “stretching.”
Her lips were white, and she had her teeth locked together like she was trying to
hold back a scream.
Edward put both hands on either side of her face.
“Carlisle?” he called in a tense, low voice.
“Right here,” the doctor said. I hadn’t heard him come in.
“Okay,” Bella said, still breathing hard and shallow. “Think it’s over. Poor kid
doesn’t have enough room, that’s all. He’s getting so big.”
It was really hard to take, that adoring tone she used to describe the thing that
was tearing her up. Especially after Rosalie’s callousness. Made me wish I could
throw something at Bella, too.
She didn’t pick up on my mood. “You know, he reminds me of you, Jake,” she
said—affectionate tone—still gasping.
“Do not compare me to that thing,” I spit out through my teeth.
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“I just meant your growth spurt,” she said, looking like I’d hurt her feelings.
Good. “You shot right up. I could watch you getting taller by the minute. He’s like
that, too. Growing so fast.”
I bit my tongue to keep from saying what I wanted to say—hard enough that I
tasted blood in my mouth. Of course, it would heal before I could swallow. That’s
what Bella needed. To be strong like me, to be able to heal.…
She took an easier breath and then relaxed back into the sofa, her body going
limp.
“Hmm,” Carlisle murmured. I looked up, and his eyes were on me.
“What?” I demanded.
Edward’s head leaned to one side as he reflected on whatever was in Carlisle’s
head.
“You know that I was wondering about the fetus’s genetic makeup, Jacob. About
his chromosomes.”
“What of it?”
“Well, taking your similarities into consideration—”
“Similarities?” I growled, not appreciating the plural.
“The accelerated growth, and the fact that Alice cannot see either of you.”
I felt my face go blank. I’d forgotten about that other one.
“Well, I wonder if that means that we have an answer. If the similarities are genedeep.”
“Twenty-four pairs,” Edward muttered under his breath.
“You don’t know that.”
“No. But it’s interesting to speculate,” Carlisle said in a soothing voice.
“Yeah. Just fascinating.”
Bella’s light snore started up again, accenting my sarcasm nicely.
They got into it then, quickly taking the genetics conversation to a point where
the only words I could understand were the the’s and the and’s. And my own
230
name, of course. Alice joined in, commenting now and then in her chirpy bird
voice.
Even though they were talking about me, I didn’t try to figure out the conclusions
they were drawing. I had other things on my mind, a few facts I was trying to
reconcile.
Fact one, Bella’d said that the creature was protected by something as strong as
vampire skin, something that was too impenetrable for ultrasounds, too tough for
needles. Fact two, Rosalie’d said they had a plan to deliver the creature safely.
Fact three, Edward’d said that—in myths—other monsters like this one would
chew their way out of their own mothers.
I shuddered.
And that made a sick kind of sense, because, fact four, not many things could cut
through something as strong as vampire skin. The half-creature’s teeth—
according to myth—were strong enough. My teeth were strong enough.
And vampire teeth were strong enough.
It was hard to miss the obvious, but I sure wished I could. Because I had a pretty
good idea exactly how Rosalie planned to get that thing “safely” out.
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16. TOO-MUCH-INFORMATION ALERT
I took off early, long before sunrise was due. I’d gotten just a little bit of uneasy
sleep leaning against the side of the sofa. Edward woke me when Bella’s face was
flushed, and he took my spot to cool her back down. I stretched and decided I was
rested enough to get some work done.
“Thank you,” Edward said quietly, seeing my plans. “If the route is clear, they’ll
go today.”
“I’ll let you know.”
It felt good to get back to my animal self. I was stiff from sitting still for so long. I
extended my stride, working out the kinks.
Morning, Jacob, Leah greeted me.
Good, you’re up. How long’s Seth been out?
Not out yet, Seth thought sleepily. Almost there. What do you need?
You think you got another hour in you?
Sure thing. No problem. Seth got to his feet right away, shaking out his fur.
Let’s make the deep run, I told Leah. Seth, take the perimeter.
Gotcha. Seth broke into an easy jog.
Off on another vampire errand, Leah grumbled.
You got a problem with that?
Of course not. I just love to coddle those darling leeches.
Good. Let’s see how fast we can run.
Okay, I’m definitely up for that!
Leah was on the far western rim of the perimeter. Rather than cut close to the
Cullens’ house, she stuck to the circle as she raced around to meet me. I sprinted
off straight east, knowing that even with the head start, she’d be passing me soon
if I took it easy for even a second.
Nose to the ground, Leah. This isn’t a race, it’s a reconnaissance mission.
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I can do both and still kick your butt.
I gave her that one. I know.
She laughed.
We took a winding path through the eastern mountains. It was a familiar route.
We’d run these mountains when the vampires had left a year ago, making it part
of our patrol route to better protect the people here. Then we’d pulled back the
lines when the Cullens returned. This was their treaty land.
But that fact would probably mean nothing to Sam now. The treaty was dead. The
question today was how thin he was willing to spread his force. Was he looking
for stray Cullens to poach on their land or not? Had Jared spoken the truth or
taken advantage of the silence between us?
We got deeper and deeper into the mountains without finding any trace of the
pack. Fading vampire trails were everywhere, but the scents were familiar now. I
was breathing them in all day long.
I found a heavy, somewhat recent concentration on one particular trail—all of
them coming and going here except for Edward. Some reason for gathering that
must have been forgotten when Edward brought his dying pregnant wife home. I
gritted my teeth. Whatever it was, it had nothing to do with me.
Leah didn’t push herself past me, though she could have now. I was paying more
attention to each new scent than I was to the speed contest. She kept to my right
side, running with me rather than racing against me.
We’re getting pretty far out here, she commented.
Yeah. If Sam was hunting strays, we should have crossed his trail by now.
Makes more sense right now for him to bunker down in La Push, Leah thought.
He knows we’re giving the bloodsuckers three extra sets of eyes and legs. He’s
not going to be able to surprise them.
This was just a precaution, really.
Wouldn’t want our precious parasites taking unnecessary chances.
Nope, I agreed, ignoring the sarcasm.
You’ve changed so much, Jacob. Talk about one-eighties.
You’re not exactly the same Leah I’ve always known and loved, either.
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True. Am I less annoying than Paul now?
Amazingly… yes.
Ah, sweet success.
Congrats.
We ran in silence again then. It was probably time to turn around, but neither of
us wanted to. It felt nice to run like this. We’d been staring at the same small
circle of a trail for too long. It felt good to stretch our muscles and take the rugged
terrain. We weren’t in a huge hurry, so I thought maybe we should hunt on the
way back. Leah was pretty hungry.
Yum, yum, she thought sourly.
It’s all in your head, I told her. That’s the way wolves eat. It’s natural. It tastes
fine. If you didn’t think about it from a human perspective—
Forget the pep talk, Jacob. I’ll hunt. I don’t have to like it.
Sure, sure, I agreed easily. It wasn’t my business if she wanted to make things
harder for herself.
She didn’t add anything for a few minutes; I started thinking about turning back.
Thank you, Leah suddenly told me in a much different tone.
For?
For letting me be. For letting me stay. You’ve been nicer than I had any right to
expect, Jacob.
Er, no problem. Actually, I mean that. I don’t mind having you here like I
thought I would.
She snorted, but it was a playful sound. What a glowing commendation!
Don’t let it go to your head.
Okay—if you don’t let this go to yours. She paused for a second. I think you make
a good Alpha. Not in the same way Sam does, but in your own way. You’re
worth following, Jacob.
My mind went blank with surprise. It took me a second to recover enough to
respond.
234
Er, thanks. Not totally sure I’ll be able to stop that one from going to my head,
though. Where did that come from?
She didn’t answer right away, and I followed the wordless direction of her
thoughts. She was thinking about the future—about what I’d said to Jared the
other morning. About how the time would be up soon, and then I’d go back to the
forest. About how I’d promised that she and Seth would return to the pack when
the Cullens were gone. . . .
I want to stay with you, she told me.
The shock shot through my legs, locking my joints. She blew past me and then
put on the brakes. Slowly, she walked back to where I was frozen in place.
I won’t be a pain, I swear. I won’t follow you around. You can go wherever you
want, and I’ll go where I want. You’ll only have to put up with me when we’re
both wolves. She paced back and forth in front of me, swishing her long gray tail
nervously. And, as I’m planning on quitting as soon as I can manage it… maybe
that won’t be so often.
I didn’t know what to say.
I’m happier now, as a part of your pack, than I have been in years.
I want to stay, too, Seth thought quietly. I hadn’t realized he’d been paying much
attention to us as he ran the perimeter. I like this pack.
Hey, now! Seth, this isn’t going to be a pack much longer. I tried to put my
thoughts together so they would convince him. We’ve got a purpose now, but
when… after that’s over, I’m just going to go wolf. Seth, you need a purpose.
You’re a good kid. You’re the kind of person who always has a crusade. And
there’s no way you’re leaving La Push now. You’re going to graduate from high
school and do something with your life. You’re going to take care of Sue. My
issues are not going to mess up your future.
But—
Jacob is right, Leah seconded.
You’re agreeing with me?
Of course. But none of that applies to me. I was on my way out, anyway. I’ll get
a job somewhere away from La Push. Maybe take some courses at a community
college. Get into yoga and meditation to work on my temper issues.… And stay a
part of this pack for the sake of my mental well-being. Jacob—you can see how
that makes sense, right? I won’t bother you, you won’t bother me, everyone is
happy.
235
I turned back and started loping slowly toward the west.
This is a bit much to deal with, Leah. Let me think about it, ’kay?
Sure. Take your time.
It took us longer to make the run back. I wasn’t trying for speed. I was just trying
to concentrate enough that I wouldn’t plow headfirst into a tree. Seth was
grumbling a little bit in the back of my head, but I was able to ignore him. He
knew I was right. He wasn’t going to abandon his mom. He would go back to La
Push and protect the tribe like he should.
But I couldn’t see Leah doing that. And that was just plain scary.
A pack of the two of us? No matter the physical distance, I couldn’t imagine the…
the intimacy of that situation. I wondered if she’d really thought it through, or if
she was just desperate to stay free.
Leah didn’t say anything as I chewed it over. It was like she was trying to prove
how easy it would be if it was just us.
We ran into a herd of black-tailed deer just as the sun was coming up,
brightening the clouds a little bit behind us. Leah sighed internally but didn’t
hesitate. Her lunge was clean and efficient—graceful, even. She took down the
largest one, the buck, before the startled animal fully understood the danger.
Not to be outdone, I swooped down on the next largest deer, snapping her neck
between my jaws quickly, so she wouldn’t feel unnecessary pain. I could feel
Leah’s disgust warring with her hunger, and I tried to make it easier for her by
letting the wolf in me have my head. I’d lived all-wolf for long enough that I knew
how to be the animal completely, to see his way and think his way. I let the
practical instincts take over, letting her feel that, too. She hesitated for a second,
but then, tentatively, she seemed to reach out with her mind and try to see my
way. It felt very strange—our minds were more closely linked than they had ever
been before, because we both were trying to think together.
Strange, but it helped her. Her teeth cut through the fur and skin of her kill’s
shoulder, tearing away a thick slab of streaming flesh. Rather than wince away as
her human thoughts wanted to, she let her wolf-self react instinctively. It was
kind of a numbing thing, a thoughtless thing. It let her eat in peace.
It was easy for me to do the same. And I was glad I hadn’t forgotten this. This
would be my life again soon.
Was Leah going to be a part of that life? A week ago, I would’ve found that idea
beyond horrifying. I wouldn’t’ve been able to stand it. But I knew her better now.
And, relieved from the constant pain, she wasn’t the same wolf. Not the same girl.
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We ate together until we both were full.
Thanks, she told me later as she was cleaning her muzzle and paws against the
wet grass. I didn’t bother; it had just started to drizzle and we had to swim the
river again on our way back. I’d get clean enough. That wasn’t so bad, thinking
your way.
You’re welcome.
Seth was dragging when we hit the perimeter. I told him to get some sleep; Leah
and I would take over the patrol. Seth’s mind faded into unconsciousness just
seconds later.
You headed back to the bloodsuckers? Leah asked.
Maybe.
It’s hard for you to be there, but hard to stay away, too. I know how that feels.
You know, Leah, you might want to think a little bit about the future, about
what you really want to do. My head is not going to be the happiest place on
earth. And you’ll have to suffer right along with me.
She thought about how to answer me. Wow, this is going to sound bad. But,
honestly, it will be easier to deal with your pain than face mine.
Fair enough.
I know it’s going to be bad for you, Jacob. I understand that—maybe better than
you think. I don’t like her, but… she’s your Sam. She’s everything you want and
everything you can’t have.
I couldn’t answer.
I know it’s worse for you. At least Sam is happy. At least he’s alive and well. I
love him enough that I want that. I want him to have what’s best for him. She
sighed. I just don’t want to stick around to watch.
Do we need to talk about this?
I think we do. Because I want you to know that I won’t make it worse for you.
Hell, maybe I’ll even help. I wasn’t born a compassionless shrew. I used to be
sort of nice, you know.
My memory doesn’t go that far back.
We both laughed once.
237
I’m sorry about this, Jacob. I’m sorry you’re in pain. I’m sorry it’s getting worse
and not better.
Thanks, Leah.
She thought about the things that were worse, the black pictures in my head,
while I tried to tune her out without much success. She was able to look at them
with some distance, some perspective, and I had to admit that this was helpful. I
could imagine that maybe I would be able to see it that way, too, in a few years.
She saw the funny side of the daily irritations that came from hanging out around
vampires. She liked my ragging on Rosalie, chuckling internally and even running
through a few blonde jokes in her mind that I might be able to work in. But then
her thoughts turned serious, lingering on Rosalie’s face in a way that confused
me.
You know what’s crazy? she asked.
Well, almost everything is crazy right now. But what do you mean?
That blond vampire you hate so much—I totally get her perspective.
For a second I thought she was making a joke that was in very poor taste. And
then, when I realized she was serious, the fury that ripped through me was hard
to control. It was a good thing we’d spread out to run our watch. If she’d been
within biting distance…
Hold up! Let me explain!
Don’t want to hear it. I’m outta here.
Wait! Wait! she pleaded as I tried to calm myself enough to phase back. C’mon,
Jake!
Leah, this isn’t really the best way to convince me that I want to spend more
time with you in the future.
Yeesh! What an overreaction. You don’t even know what I’m talking about.
So what are you talking about?
And then she was suddenly the pain-hardened Leah from before. I’m talking
about being a genetic dead end, Jacob.
The vicious edge to her words left me floundering. I hadn’t expected to have my
anger trumped.
238
I don’t understand.
You would, if you weren’t just like the rest of them. If my “female stuff”—she
thought the words with a hard, sarcastic tone—didn’t send you running for cover
just like any stupid male, so you could actually pay attention to what it all
means.
Oh.
Yeah, so none of us like to think about that stuff with her. Who would? Of course
I remembered Leah’s panic that first month after she joined the pack—and I
remembered cringing away from it just like everyone else. Because she couldn’t
be pregnant—not unless there was some really freaky religious immaculate crap
going on. She hadn’t been with anyone since Sam. And then, when the weeks
dragged on and nothing turned into more nothing, she’d realized that her body
wasn’t following the normal patterns anymore. The horror—what was she now?
Had her body changed because she’d become a werewolf? Or had she become a
werewolf because her body was wrong? The only female werewolf in the history
of forever. Was that because she wasn’t as female as she should be?
None of us had wanted to deal with that breakdown. Obviously, it wasn’t like we
could empathize.
You know why Sam thinks we imprint, she thought, calmer now.
Sure. To carry on the line.
Right. To make a bunch of new little werewolves. Survival of the species, genetic
override. You’re drawn to the person who gives you the best chance to pass on
the wolf gene.
I waited for her to tell me where she was going with this.
If I was any good for that, Sam would have been drawn to me.
Her pain was enough that I broke stride under it.
But I’m not. There’s something wrong with me. I don’t have the ability to pass
on the gene, apparently, despite my stellar bloodlines. So I become a freak—the
girlie-wolf—good for nothing else. I’m a genetic dead end and we both know it.
We do not, I argued with her. That’s just Sam’s theory. Imprinting happens, but
we don’t know why. Billy thinks it’s something else.
I know, I know. He thinks you’re imprinting to make stronger wolves. Because
you and Sam are such humongous monsters—bigger than our fathers. But
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either way, I’m still not a candidate. I’m… I’m menopausal. I’m twenty years old
and I’m menopausal.
Ugh. I so didn’t want to have this conversation. You don’t know that, Leah. It’s
probably just the whole frozen-in-time thing. When you quit your wolf and start
getting older again, I’m sure things will… er… pick right back up.
I might think that—except that no one’s imprinting on me, notwithstanding my
impressive pedigree. You know, she added thoughtfully, if you weren’t around,
Seth would probably have the best claim to being Alpha—through his blood, at
least. Of course, no one would ever consider me. . . .
You really want to imprint, or be imprinted on, or whichever? I demanded.
What’s wrong with going out and falling in love like a normal person, Leah?
Imprinting is just another way of getting your choices taken away from you.
Sam, Jared, Paul, Quil… they don’t seem to mind.
None of them have a mind of their own.
You don’t want to imprint?
Hell, no!
That’s just because you’re already in love with her. That would go away, you
know, if you imprinted. You wouldn’t have to hurt over her anymore.
Do you want to forget the way you feel about Sam?
She deliberated for a moment. I think I do.
I sighed. She was in a healthier place than I was.
But back to my original point, Jacob. I understand why your blond vampire is
so cold—in the figurative sense. She’s focused. She’s got her eyes on the prize,
right? Because you always want the very most what you can never, ever have.
You would act like Rosalie? You would murder someone—because that’s what
she’s doing, making sure no one interferes with Bella’s death—you would do that
to have a baby? Since when are you a breeder?
I just want the options I don’t have, Jacob. Maybe, if there was nothing wrong
with me, I would never give it a thought.
You would kill for that? I demanded, not letting her escape my question.
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That’s not what she’s doing. I think it’s more like she’s living vicariously. And… if
Bella asked me to help her with this… She paused, considering. Even though I
don’t think too much of her, I’d probably do the same as the bloodsucker.
A loud snarl ripped through my teeth.
Because, if it was turned around, I’d want Bella to do that for me. And so would
Rosalie. We’d both do it her way.
Ugh! You’re as bad as they are!
That’s the funny thing about knowing you can’t have something. It makes you
desperate.
And… that’s my limit. Right there. This conversation is over.
Fine.
It wasn’t enough that she’d agreed to stop. I wanted a stronger termination than
that.
I was only about a mile from where I’d left my clothes, so I phased back to human
and walked. I didn’t think about our conversation. Not because there wasn’t
anything to think about, but because I couldn’t stand it. I would not see it that
way—but it was harder to keep from doing that when Leah had put the thoughts
and emotions straight into my head.
Yeah, I wasn’t running with her when this was finished. She could go be
miserable in La Push. One little Alpha command before I left for good wasn’t
going to kill anybody.
It was real early when I got to the house. Bella was probably still asleep. I figured
I’d poke my head in, see what was going on, give ’em the green light to go
hunting, and then find a patch of grass soft enough to sleep on while human. I
wasn’t phasing back until Leah was asleep.
But there was a lot of low mumbling going on inside the house, so maybe Bella
wasn’t sleeping. And then I heard the machinery sound from upstairs again—the
X-ray? Great. It looked like day four on the countdown was starting off with a
bang.
Alice opened the door for me before I could walk in.
She nodded. “Hey, wolf.”
“Hey, shortie. What’s going on upstairs?” The big room was empty—all the
murmurs were on the second floor.
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She shrugged her pointy little shoulders. “Maybe another break.” She tried to say
the words casually, but I could see the flames in the very back of her eyes. Edward
and I weren’t the only ones who were burning over this. Alice loved Bella, too.
“Another rib?” I asked hoarsely.
“No. Pelvis this time.”
Funny how it kept hitting me, like each new thing was a surprise. When was I
going to stop being surprised? Each new disaster seemed kinda obvious in
hindsight.
Alice was staring at my hands, watching them tremble.
Then we were listening to Rosalie’s voice upstairs.
“See, I told you I didn’t hear a crack. You need your ears checked, Edward.”
There was no answer.
Alice made a face. “Edward’s going to end up ripping Rose into small pieces, I
think. I’m surprised she doesn’t see that. Or maybe she thinks Emmett will be
able to stop him.”
“I’ll take Emmett,” I offered. “You can help Edward with the ripping part.”
Alice half-smiled.
The procession came down the stairs then—Edward had Bella this time. She was
gripping her cup of blood in both hands, and her face was white. I could see that,
though he compensated for every tiny movement of his body to keep from jostling
her, she was hurting.
“Jake,” she whispered, and she smiled through the pain.
I stared at her, saying nothing.
Edward placed Bella carefully on her couch and sat on the floor by her head. I
wondered briefly why they didn’t leave her upstairs, and then decided at once
that it must be Bella’s idea. She’d want to act like things were normal, avoid the
hospital setup. And he was humoring her. Naturally.
Carlisle came down slowly, the last one, his face creased with worry. It made him
look old enough to be a doctor for once.
“Carlisle,” I said. “We went halfway to Seattle. There’s no sign of the pack. You’re
good to go.”
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“Thank you, Jacob. This is good timing. There’s much that we need.” His black
eyes flickered to the cup that Bella was holding so tight.
“Honestly, I think you’re safe to take more than three. I’m pretty positive that
Sam is concentrating on La Push.”
Carlisle nodded in agreement. It surprised me how willingly he took my advice.
“If you think so. Alice, Esme, Jasper, and I will go. Then Alice can take Emmett
and Rosa—”
“Not a chance,” Rosalie hissed. “Emmett can go with you now.”
“You should hunt,” Carlisle said in a gentle voice.
His tone didn’t soften hers. “I’ll hunt when he does,” she growled, jerking her
head toward Edward and then flipping her hair back.
Carlisle sighed.
Jasper and Emmett were down the stairs in a flash, and Alice joined them by the
glass back door in the same second. Esme flitted to Alice’s side.
Carlisle put his hand on my arm. The icy touch did not feel good, but I didn’t jerk
away. I held still, half in surprise, and half because I didn’t want to hurt his
feelings.
“Thank you,” he said again, and then he darted out the door with the other four.
My eyes followed them as they flew across the lawn and then disappeared before I
took another breath. Their needs must have been more urgent than I’d imagined.
There was no sound for a minute. I could feel someone glaring at me, and I knew
who it would be. I’d been planning to take off and get some Z’s, but the chance to
ruin Rosalie’s morning seemed too good to pass up.
So I sauntered over to the armchair next to the one Rosalie had and settled in,
sprawling out so that my head was tilted toward Bella and my left foot was near
Rosalie’s face.
“Ew. Someone put the dog out,” she murmured, wrinkling her nose.
“Have you heard this one, Psycho? How do a blonde’s brain cells die?”
She didn’t say anything.
“Well?” I asked. “Do you know the punch line or not?”
She looked pointedly at the TV and ignored me.
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“Has she heard it?” I asked Edward.
There was no humor on his tense face—he didn’t move his eyes from Bella. But he
said, “No.”
“Awesome. So you’ll enjoy this, bloodsucker—a blonde’s brain cells die alone.”
Rosalie still didn’t look at me. “I have killed a hundred times more often than you
have, you disgusting beast. Don’t forget that.”
“Someday, Beauty Queen, you’re going to get tired of just threatening me. I’m
really looking forward to that.”
“Enough, Jacob,” Bella said.
I looked down, and she was scowling at me. It looked like yesterday’s good mood
was long gone.
Well, I didn’t want to bug her. “You want me to take off?” I offered.
Before I could hope—or fear—that she’d finally gotten tired of me, she blinked,
and her frown disappeared. She seemed totally shocked that I would come to that
conclusion. “No! Of course not.”
I sighed, and I heard Edward sigh very quietly, too. I knew he wished she’d get
over me, too. Too bad he’d never ask her to do anything that might make her
unhappy.
“You look tired,” Bella commented.
“Dead beat,” I admitted.
“I’d like to beat you dead,” Rosalie muttered, too low for Bella to hear.
I just slumped deeper into the chair, getting comfortable. My bare foot dangled
closer to Rosalie, and she stiffened. After a few minutes Bella asked Rosalie for a
refill. I felt the wind as Rosalie blew upstairs to get her some more blood. It was
really quiet. Might as well take a nap, I figured.
And then Edward said, “Did you say something?” in a puzzled tone. Strange.
Because no one had said anything, and because Edward’s hearing was as good as
mine, and he should have known that.
He was staring at Bella, and she was staring back. They both looked confused.
“Me?” she asked after a second. “I didn’t say anything.”
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He moved onto his knees, leaning forward over her, his expression suddenly
intense in a whole different way. His black eyes focused on her face.
“What are you thinking about right now?”
She stared at him blankly. “Nothing. What’s going on?”
“What were you thinking about a minute ago?” he asked.
“Just… Esme’s island. And feathers.”
Sounded like total gibberish to me, but then she blushed, and I figured I was
better off not knowing.
“Say something else,” he whispered.
“Like what? Edward, what’s going on?”
His face changed again, and he did something that made my mouth fall open with
a pop. I heard a gasp behind me, and I knew that Rosalie was back, and just as
flabbergasted as I was.
Edward, very lightly, put both of his hands against her huge, round stomach.
“The f—” He swallowed. “It… the baby likes the sound of your voice.”
There was one short beat of total silence. I could not move a muscle, even to
blink. Then—
“Holy crow, you can hear him!” Bella shouted. In the next second, she winced.
Edward’s hand moved to the top peak of her belly and gently rubbed the spot
where it must have kicked her.
“Shh,” he murmured. “You startled it… him.”
Her eyes got all wide and full of wonder. She patted the side of her stomach.
“Sorry, baby.”
Edward was listening hard, his head tilted toward the bulge.
“What’s he thinking now?” she demanded eagerly.
“It… he or she, is . . .” He paused and looked up into her eyes. His eyes were filled
with a similar awe—only his were more careful and grudging. “He’s happy,”
Edward said in an incredulous voice.
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Her breath caught, and it was impossible not to see the fanatical gleam in her
eyes. The adoration and the devotion. Big, fat tears overflowed her eyes and ran
silently down her face and over her smiling lips.
As he stared at her, his face was not frightened or angry or burning or any of the
other expressions he’d worn since their return. He was marveling with her.
“Of course you’re happy, pretty baby, of course you are,” she crooned, rubbing
her stomach while the tears washed her cheeks. “How could you not be, all safe
and warm and loved? I love you so much, little EJ, of course you’re happy.”
“What did you call him?” Edward asked curiously.
She blushed again. “I sort of named him. I didn’t think you would want… well,
you know.”
“EJ?”
“Your father’s name was Edward, too.”
“Yes, it was. What—?” He paused and then said, “Hmm.”
“What?”
“He likes my voice, too.”
“Of course he does.” Her tone was almost gloating now. “You have the most
beautiful voice in the universe. Who wouldn’t love it?”
“Do you have a backup plan?” Rosalie asked then, leaning over the back of the
sofa with the same wondering, gloating look on her face that was on Bella’s.
“What if he’s a she?”
Bella wiped the back of her hand under her wet eyes. “I kicked a few things
around. Playing with Renée and Esme. I was thinking… Ruh-nez-may.”
“Ruhnezmay?”
“R-e-n-e-s-m-e-e. Too weird?”
“No, I like it,” Rosalie assured her. Their heads were close together, gold and
mahogany. “It’s beautiful. And one of a kind, so that fits.”
“I still think he’s an Edward.”
Edward was staring off into space, his face blank as he listened.
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“What?” Bella asked, her face just glowing away. “What’s he thinking now?”
At first he didn’t answer, and then—shocking all the rest of us again, three
distinct and separate gasps—he laid his ear tenderly against her belly.
“He loves you,” Edward whispered, sounding dazed. “He absolutely adores you.”
In that moment, I knew that I was alone. All alone.
I wanted to kick myself when I realized how much I’d been counting on that
loathsome vampire. How stupid—as if you could ever trust a leech! Of course he
would betray me in the end.
I’d counted on him to be on my side. I’d counted on him to suffer more than I
suffered. And, most of all, I’d counted on him to hate that revolting thing killing
Bella more than I hated it.
I’d trusted him with that.
Yet now they were together, the two of them bent over the budding, invisible
monster with their eyes lit up like a happy family.
And I was all alone with my hatred and the pain that was so bad it was like being
tortured. Like being dragged slowly across a bed of razor blades. Pain so bad
you’d take death with a smile just to get away from it.
The heat unlocked my frozen muscles, and I was on my feet.
All three of their heads snapped up, and I watched my pain ripple across
Edward’s face as he trespassed in my head again.
“Ahh,” he choked.
I didn’t know what I was doing; I stood there, trembling, ready to bolt for the very
first escape that I could think of.
Moving like the strike of a snake, Edward darted to a small end table and ripped
something from the drawer there. He tossed it at me, and I caught the object
reflexively.
“Go, Jacob. Get away from here.” He didn’t say it harshly—he threw the words at
me like they were a life preserver. He was helping me find the escape I was dying
for.
The object in my hand was a set of car keys.
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17. WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE? THE WIZARD OF OZ?
YOU NEED A BRAIN? YOU NEED A HEART? GO
AHEAD. TAKE MINE. TAKE EVERYTHING I HAVE.
I sort of had a plan as I ran to the Cullens’ garage. The second part of it was
totaling the bloodsucker’s car on my way back.
So I was at a loss when I mashed the button on the keyless remote, and it was not
his Volvo that beeped and flashed its lights for me. It was another car—a standout
even in the long line of vehicles that were mostly all drool-worthy in their own
ways.
Did he actually mean to give me the keys to an Aston Martin Vanquish, or was
that an accident?
I didn’t pause to think about it, or if this would change that second part of my
plan. I just threw myself into the silky leather seat and cranked the engine while
my knees were still crunched up under the steering wheel. The sound of the
motor’s purr might have made me moan another day, but right now it was all I
could do to concentrate enough to put it in drive.
I found the seat release and shoved myself back as my foot rammed the pedal
down. The car felt almost airborne as it leaped forward.
It only took seconds to race through the tight, winding drive. The car responded
to me like my thoughts were steering rather than my hands. As I blew out of the
green tunnel and onto the highway, I caught a fleeting glimpse of Leah’s gray face
peering uneasily through the ferns.
For half a second, I wondered what she’d think, and then I realized that I didn’t
care.
I turned south, because I had no patience today for ferries or traffic or anything
else that meant I might have to lift my foot off the pedal.
In a sick way, it was my lucky day. If by lucky you meant taking a well-traveled
highway at two hundred without so much as seeing one cop, even in the thirtymile-
an-hour speed-trap towns. What a letdown. A little chase action might have
been nice, not to mention that the license plate info would bring the heat down
on the leech. Sure, he’d buy his way out of it, but it might have been just a little
inconvenient for him.
The only sign of surveillance I came across was just a hint of dark brown fur
flitting through the woods, running parallel to me for a few miles on the south
side of Forks. Quil, it looked like. He must have seen me, too, because he
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disappeared after a minute without raising an alarm. Again, I almost wondered
what his story would be before I remembered that I didn’t care.
I raced around the long U-shaped highway, heading for the biggest city I could
find. That was the first part of my plan.
It seemed to take forever, probably because I was still on the razor blades, but it
actually didn’t even take two hours before I was driving north into the undefined
sprawl that was part Tacoma and part Seattle. I slowed down then, because I
really wasn’t trying to kill any innocent bystanders.
This was a stupid plan. It wasn’t going to work. But, as I’d searched my head for
any way at all to get away from the pain, what Leah’d said today had popped in
there.
That would go away, you know, if you imprinted. You wouldn’t have to hurt
over her anymore.
Seemed like maybe getting your choices taken away from you wasn’t the very
worst thing in the world. Maybe feeling like this was the very worst thing in the
world.
But I’d seen all the girls in La Push and up on the Makah rez and in Forks. I
needed a wider hunting range.
So how do you look for a random soul mate in a crowd? Well, first, I needed a
crowd. So I tooled around, looking for a likely spot. I passed a couple of malls,
which probably would’ve been pretty good places to find girls my age, but I
couldn’t make myself stop. Did I want to imprint on some girl who hung out in a
mall all day?
I kept going north, and it got more and more crowded. Eventually, I found a big
park full of kids and families and skateboards and bikes and kites and picnics and
the whole bit. I hadn’t noticed till now—it was a nice day. Sun and all that. People
were out celebrating the blue sky.
I parked across two handicapped spots—just begging for a ticket—and joined the
crowd.
I walked around for what felt like hours. Long enough that the sun changed sides
in the sky. I stared into the face of every girl who passed anywhere near me,
making myself really look, noticing who was pretty and who had blue eyes and
who looked good in braces and who had way too much makeup on. I tried to find
something interesting about each face, so that I would know for sure that I’d
really tried. Things like: This one had a really straight nose; that one should pull
her hair out of her eyes; this one could do lipstick ads if the rest of her face was as
perfect as her mouth. . . .
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Sometimes they stared back. Sometimes they looked scared—like they were
thinking, Who is this big freak glaring at me? Sometimes I thought they looked
kind of interested, but maybe that was just my ego running wild.
Either way, nothing. Even when I met the eyes of the girl who was—no contest—
the hottest girl in the park and probably in the city, and she stared right back with
a speculation that looked like interest, I felt nothing. Just the same desperate
drive to find a way out of the pain.
As time went on, I started noticing all the wrong things. Bella things. This one’s
hair was the same color. That one’s eyes were sort of shaped the same. This one’s
cheekbones cut across her face in just the same way. That one had the same little
crease between her eyes—which made me wonder what she was worrying about. .
. .
That was when I gave up. Because it was beyond stupid to think that I had picked
exactly the right place and time and I was going to simply walk into my soul mate
just because I was so desperate to.
It wouldn’t make sense to find her here, anyway. If Sam was right, the best place
to find my genetic match would be in La Push. And, clearly, no one there fit the
bill. If Billy was right, then who knew? What made for a stronger wolf?
I wandered back to the car and then slumped against the hood and played with
the keys.
Maybe I was what Leah thought she was. Some kind of dead end that shouldn’t be
passed on to another generation. Or maybe it was just that my life was a big, cruel
joke, and there was no escape from the punch line.
“Hey, you okay? Hello? You there, with the stolen car.”
It took me a second to realize that the voice was talking to me, and then another
second to decide to raise my head.
A familiar-looking girl was staring at me, her expression kind of anxious. I knew
why I recognized her face—I’d already catalogued this one. Light red-gold hair,
fair skin, a few gold-colored freckles sprinkled across her cheeks and nose, and
eyes the color of cinnamon.
“If you’re feeling that remorseful over boosting the car,” she said, smiling so that
a dimple popped out in her chin, “you could always turn yourself in.”
“It’s borrowed, not stolen,” I snapped. My voice sounded horrible—like I’d been
crying or something. Embarrassing.
“Sure, that’ll hold up in court.”
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I glowered. “You need something?”
“Not really. I was kidding about the car, you know. It’s just that… you look really
upset about something. Oh, hey, I’m Lizzie.” She held out her hand.
I looked at it until she let it fall.
“Anyway…,” she said awkwardly, “I was just wondering if I could help. Seemed
like you were looking for someone before.” She gestured toward the park and
shrugged.
“Yeah.”
She waited.
I sighed. “I don’t need any help. She’s not here.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“Me, too,” I muttered.
I looked at the girl again. Lizzie. She was pretty. Nice enough to try to help a
grouchy stranger who must seem nuts. Why couldn’t she be the one? Why did
everything have to be so freaking complicated? Nice girl, pretty, and sort of
funny. Why not?
“This is a beautiful car,” she said. “It’s really a shame they’re not making them
anymore. I mean, the Vantage’s body styling is gorgeous, too, but there’s just
something about the Vanquish. . . .”
Nice girl who knew cars. Wow. I stared at her face harder, wishing I knew how to
make it work. C’mon, Jake—imprint already.
“How’s it drive?” she asked.
“Like you wouldn’t believe,” I told her.
She grinned her one-dimple smile, clearly pleased to have dragged a halfway civil
response out of me, and I gave her a reluctant smile back.
But her smile did nothing about the sharp, cutting blades that raked up and down
my body. No matter how much I wanted it to, my life was not going to come
together like that.
I wasn’t in that healthier place where Leah was headed. I wasn’t going to be able
to fall in love like a normal person. Not when I was bleeding over someone else.
Maybe—if it was ten years from now and Bella’s heart was long dead and I’d
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hauled myself through the whole grieving process and come out in one piece
again—maybe then I could offer Lizzie a ride in a fast car and talk makes and
models and get to know something about her and see if I liked her as a person.
But that wasn’t going to happen now.
Magic wasn’t going to save me. I was just going to have to take the torture like a
man. Suck it up.
Lizzie waited, maybe hoping I was going to offer her that ride. Or maybe not.
“I’d better get this car back to the guy I borrowed it from,” I muttered.
She smiled again. “Glad to hear you’re going straight.”
“Yeah, you convinced me.”
She watched me get in the car, still sort of concerned. I probably looked like
someone who was about to drive off a cliff. Which maybe I would’ve, if that kind
of move’d work for a werewolf. She waved once, her eyes trailing after the car.
At first, I drove more sanely on the way back. I wasn’t in a rush. I didn’t want to
go where I was going. Back to that house, back to that forest. Back to the pain I’d
run from. Back to being absolutely alone with it.
Okay, that was melodramatic. I wouldn’t be all alone, but that was a bad thing.
Leah and Seth would have to suffer with me. I was glad Seth wouldn’t have to
suffer long. Kid didn’t deserve to have his peace of mind ruined. Leah didn’t,
either, but at least it was something she understood. Nothing new about pain for
Leah.
I sighed big as I thought about what Leah wanted from me, because I knew now
that she was going to get it. I was still pissed at her, but I couldn’t ignore the fact
that I could make her life easier. And—now that I knew her better—I thought she
would probably do this for me, if our positions were reversed.
It would be interesting, at the very least, and strange, too, to have Leah as a
companion—as a friend. We were going to get under each other’s skin a lot, that
was for sure. She wouldn’t be one to let me wallow, but I thought that was a good
thing. I’d probably need someone to kick my butt now and then. But when it
came right down to it, she was really the only friend who had any chance of
understanding what I was going through now.
I thought of the hunt this morning, and how close our minds had been for that
one moment in time. It hadn’t been a bad thing. Different. A little scary, a little
awkward. But also nice in a weird way.
I didn’t have to be all alone.
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And I knew Leah was strong enough to face with me the months that were
coming. Months and years. It made me tired to think about it. I felt like I was
staring out across an ocean that I was going to have to swim from shore to shore
before I could rest again.
So much time coming, and then so little time before it started. Before I was flung
into that ocean. Three and a half more days, and here I was, wasting that little bit
of time I had.
I started driving too fast again.
I saw Sam and Jared, one on either side of the road like sentinels, as I raced up
the road toward Forks. They were well hidden in the thick branches, but I was
expecting them, and I knew what to look for. I nodded as I blew past them, not
bothering to wonder what they made of my day trip.
I nodded to Leah and Seth, too, as I cruised up the Cullens’ driveway. It was
starting to get dark, and the clouds were thick on this side of the sound, but I saw
their eyes glitter in the glow of the headlights. I would explain to them later.
There’d be plenty of time for that.
It was a surprise to find Edward waiting for me in the garage. I hadn’t seen him
away from Bella in days. I could tell from his face that nothing bad had happened
to her. In fact, he looked more peaceful than before. My stomach tightened as I
remembered where that peace came from.
It was too bad that—with all my brooding—I’d forgotten to wreck the car. Oh well.
I probably wouldn’t have been able to stand hurting this car, anyway. Maybe he’d
guessed as much, and that’s why he’d lent it to me in the first place.
“A few things, Jacob,” he said as soon as I cut the engine.
I took a deep breath and held it for a minute. Then, slowly, I got out of the car
and threw the keys to him.
“Thanks for the loan,” I said sourly. Apparently, it would have to be repaid. “What
do you want now?”
“Firstly… I know how averse you are to using your authority with your pack, but .
. .”
I blinked, astonished that he would even dream of starting in on this one.
“What?”
“If you can’t or won’t control Leah, then I—”
“Leah?” I interrupted, speaking through my teeth. “What happened?”
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Edward’s face was hard. “She came up to see why you’d left so abruptly. I tried to
explain. I suppose it might not have come out right.”
“What did she do?”
“She phased to her human form and—”
“Really?” I interrupted again, shocked this time. I couldn’t process that. Leah
letting her guard down right in the mouth of the enemy’s lair?
“She wanted to… speak to Bella.”
“To Bella?”
Edward got all hissy then. “I won’t let Bella be upset like that again. I don’t care
how justified Leah thinks she is! I didn’t hurt her—of course I wouldn’t—but I’ll
throw her out of the house if it happens again. I’ll launch her right across the
river—”
“Hold on. What did she say?” None of this was making any sense.
Edward took a deep breath, composing himself. “Leah was unnecessarily harsh.
I’m not going to pretend that I understand why Bella is unable to let go of you,
but I do know that she does not behave this way to hurt you. She suffers a great
deal over the pain she’s inflicting on you, and on me, by asking you to stay. What
Leah said was uncalled for. Bella’s been crying—”
“Wait—Leah was yelling at Bella about me?”
He nodded one sharp nod. “You were quite vehemently championed.”
Whoa. “I didn’t ask her to do that.”
“I know.”
I rolled my eyes. Of course he knew. He knew everything.
But that was really something about Leah. Who would have believed it? Leah
walking into the bloodsuckers’ place human to complain about how I was being
treated.
“I can’t promise to control Leah,” I told him. “I won’t do that. But I’ll talk to her,
okay? And I don’t think there’ll be a repeat. Leah’s not one to hold back, so she
probably got it all off her chest today.”
“I would say so.”
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“Anyway, I’ll talk to Bella about it, too. She doesn’t need to feel bad. This one’s on
me.”
“I already told her that.”
“Of course you did. Is she okay?”
“She’s sleeping now. Rose is with her.”
So the psycho was “Rose” now. He’d completely crossed over to the dark side.
He ignored that thought, continuing with a more complete answer to my
question. “She’s… better in some ways. Aside from Leah’s tirade and the resulting
guilt.”
Better. Because Edward was hearing the monster and everything was all loveydovey
now. Fantastic.
“It’s a bit more than that,” he murmured. “Now that I can make out the child’s
thoughts, it’s apparent that he or she has remarkably developed mental facilities.
He can understand us, to an extent.”
My mouth fell open. “Are you serious?”
“Yes. He seems to have a vague sense of what hurts her now. He’s trying to avoid
that, as much as possible. He… loves her. Already.”
I stared at Edward, feeling sort of like my eyes might pop out of their sockets.
Underneath that disbelief, I could see right away that this was the critical factor.
This was what had changed Edward—that the monster had convinced him of this
love. He couldn’t hate what loved Bella. It was probably why he couldn’t hate me,
either. There was a big difference, though. I wasn’t killing her.
Edward went on, acting like he hadn’t heard all that. “The progress, I believe, is
more than we’d judged. When Carlisle returns—”
“They’re not back?” I cut in sharply. I thought of Sam and Jared, watching the
road. Would they get curious as to what was going on?
“Alice and Jasper are. Carlisle sent all the blood he was able to acquire, but it
wasn’t as much as he was hoping for—Bella will use up this supply in another day
the way her appetite has grown. Carlisle stayed to try another source. I don’t
think that’s necessary now, but he wants to be covered for any eventuality.”
“Why isn’t it necessary? If she needs more?”
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I could tell he was watching and listening to my reaction carefully as he
explained. “I’m trying to persuade Carlisle to deliver the baby as soon as he is
back.”
“What?”
“The child seems to be attempting to avoid rough movements, but it’s difficult.
He’s become too big. It’s madness to wait, when he’s clearly developed beyond
what Carlisle had guessed. Bella’s too fragile to delay.”
I kept getting my legs knocked out from under me. First, counting on Edward’s
hatred of the thing so much. Now, I’d realized that I thought of those four days as
a sure thing. I’d banked on them.
The endless ocean of grief that waited stretched out before me.
I tried to catch my breath.
Edward waited. I stared at his face while I recovered, recognizing another change
there.
“You think she’s going to make it,” I whispered.
“Yes. That was the other thing I wanted to talk to you about.”
I couldn’t say anything. After a minute, he went on.
“Yes,” he said again. “Waiting, as we have been, for the child to be ready, that was
insanely dangerous. At any moment it could have been too late. But if we’re
proactive about this, if we act quickly, I see no reason why it should not go well.
Knowing the child’s mind is unbelievably helpful. Thankfully, Bella and Rose
agree with me. Now that I’ve convinced them it’s safe for the child if we proceed,
there’s nothing to keep this from working.”
“When will Carlisle be back?” I asked, still whispering. I hadn’t got my breath
back yet.
“By noon tomorrow.”
My knees buckled. I had to grab the car to hold myself up. Edward reached out
like he was offering support, but then he thought better of it and dropped his
hands.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I am truly sorry for the pain this causes you, Jacob.
Though you hate me, I must admit that I don’t feel the same about you. I think of
you as a… a brother in many ways. A comrade in arms, at the very least. I regret
your suffering more than you realize. But Bella is going to survive”—when he said
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that his voice was fierce, even violent—“and I know that’s what really matters to
you.”
He was probably right. It was hard to tell. My head was spinning.
“So I hate to do this now, while you’re already dealing with too much, but, clearly,
there is little time. I have to ask you for something—to beg, if I must.”
“I don’t have anything left,” I choked out.
He lifted his hand again, as if to put it on my shoulder, but then let it drop like
before and sighed.
“I know how much you have given,” he said quietly. “But this is something you do
have, and only you. I’m asking this of the true Alpha, Jacob. I’m asking this of
Ephraim’s heir.”
I was way past being able to respond.
“I want your permission to deviate from what we agreed to in our treaty with
Ephraim. I want you to grant us an exception. I want your permission to save her
life. You know I’ll do it anyway, but I don’t want to break faith with you if there is
any way to avoid it. We never intended to go back on our word, and we don’t do it
lightly now. I want your understanding, Jacob, because you know exactly why we
do this. I want the alliance between our families to survive when this is over.”
I tried to swallow. Sam, I thought. It’s Sam you want.
“No. Sam’s authority is assumed. It belongs to you. You’ll never take it from him,
but no one can rightfully agree to what I’m asking except for you.”
It’s not my decision.
“It is, Jacob, and you know it. Your word on this will condemn us or absolve us.
Only you can give this to me.”
I can’t think. I don’t know.
“We don’t have much time.” He glanced back toward the house.
No, there was no time. My few days had become a few hours.
I don’t know. Let me think. Just give me a minute here, okay?
“Yes.”
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I started walking to the house, and he followed. Crazy how easy it was, walking
through the dark with a vampire right beside me. It didn’t feel unsafe, or even
uncomfortable, really. It felt like walking next to anybody. Well, anybody who
smelled bad.
There was a movement in the brush at the edge of the big lawn, and then a low
whimper. Seth shrugged through the ferns and loped over to us.
“Hey, kid,” I muttered.
He dipped his head, and I patted his shoulder.
“S’all cool,” I lied. “I’ll tell you about it later. Sorry to take off on you like that.”
He grinned at me.
“Hey, tell your sister to back off now, okay? Enough.”
Seth nodded once.
I shoved against his shoulder this time. “Get back to work. I’ll spell you in a bit.”
Seth leaned against me, shoving back, and then he galloped into the trees.
“He has one of the purest, sincerest, kindest minds I’ve ever heard,” Edward
murmured when he was out of sight. “You’re lucky to have his thoughts to share.”
“I know that,” I grunted.
We started toward the house, and both of our heads snapped up when we heard
the sound of someone sucking through a straw. Edward was in a hurry then. He
darted up the porch stairs and was gone.
“Bella, love, I thought you were sleeping,” I heard him say. “I’m sorry, I wouldn’t
have left.”
“Don’t worry. I just got so thirsty—it woke me up. It’s a good thing Carlisle is
bringing more. This kid is going to need it when he gets out of me.”
“True. That’s a good point.”
“I wonder if he’ll want anything else,” she mused.
“I suppose we’ll find out.”
I walked through the door.
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Alice said, “Finally,” and Bella’s eyes flashed to me. That infuriating, irresistible
smile broke across her face for one second. Then it faltered, and her face fell. Her
lips puckered, like she was trying not to cry.
I wanted to punch Leah right in her stupid mouth.
“Hey, Bells,” I said quickly. “How ya doing?”
“I’m fine,” she said.
“Big day today, huh? Lots of new stuff.”
“You don’t have to do that, Jacob.”
“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, going to sit on the arm of the sofa
by her head. Edward had the floor there already.
She gave me a reproachful look. “I’m so s—” she started to say.
I pinched her lips together between my thumb and finger.
“Jake,” she mumbled, trying to pull my hand away. Her attempt was so weak it
was hard to believe that she was really trying.
I shook my head. “You can talk when you’re not being stupid.”
“Fine, I won’t say it,” it sounded like she mumbled.
I pulled my hand away.
“Sorry!” she finished quickly, and then grinned.
I rolled my eyes and then smiled back at her.
When I stared into her eyes, I saw everything that I’d been looking for in the
park.
Tomorrow, she’d be someone else. But hopefully alive, and that was what
counted, right? She’d look at me with the same eyes, sort of. Smile with the same
lips, almost. She’d still know me better than anyone who didn’t have full access to
the inside of my head.
Leah might be an interesting companion, maybe even a true friend—someone
who would stand up for me. But she wasn’t my best friend the way that Bella was.
Aside from the impossible love I felt for Bella, there was also that other bond, and
it ran bone deep.
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Tomorrow, she’d be my enemy. Or she’d be my ally. And, apparently, that
distinction was up to me.
I sighed.
Fine! I thought, giving up the very last thing I had to give. It made me feel hollow.
Go ahead. Save her. As Ephraim’s heir, you have my permission, my word, that
this will not violate the treaty. The others will just have to blame me. You were
right—they can’t deny that it’s my right to agree to this.
“Thank you.” Edward’s whisper was low enough that Bella didn’t hear anything.
But the words were so fervent that, from the corner of my eye, I saw the other
vampires turning to stare.
“So,” Bella asked, working to be casual. “How was your day?”
“Great. Went for a drive. Hung out in the park.”
“Sounds nice.”
“Sure, sure.”
Suddenly, she made a face. “Rose?” she asked.
I heard Blondie chuckle. “Again?”
“I think I’ve drunk two gallons in the last hour,” Bella explained.
Edward and I both got out of the way while Rosalie came to lift Bella from the
couch and take her to the bathroom.
“Can I walk?” Bella asked. “My legs are so stiff.”
“Are you sure?” Edward asked.
“Rose’ll catch me if I trip over my feet. Which could happen pretty easily, since I
can’t see them.”
Rosalie set Bella carefully on her feet, keeping her hands right at Bella’s
shoulders. Bella stretched her arms out in front of her, wincing a little.
“That feels good,” she sighed. “Ugh, but I’m huge.”
She really was. Her stomach was its own continent.
“One more day,” she said, and patted her stomach.
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I couldn’t help the pain that shot through me in a sudden, stabbing burst, but I
tried to keep it off my face. I could hide it for one more day, right?
“All righty, then. Whoops—oh, no!”
The cup Bella had left on the sofa tumbled to one side, the dark red blood spilling
out onto the pale fabric.
Automatically, though three other hands beat her there, Bella bent over, reaching
out to catch it.
There was the strangest, muffled ripping sound from the center of her body.
“Oh!” she gasped.
And then she went totally limp, slumping toward the floor. Rosalie caught her in
the same instant, before she could fall. Edward was there, too, hands out, the
mess on the sofa forgotten.
“Bella?” he asked, and then his eyes unfocused, and panic shot across his
features.
A half second later, Bella screamed.
It was not just a scream, it was a blood-curdling shriek of agony. The horrifying
sound cut off with a gurgle, and her eyes rolled back into her head. Her body
twitched, arched in Rosalie’s arms, and then Bella vomited a fountain of blood.
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18. THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR THIS.
Bella’s body, streaming with red, started to twitch, jerking around in Rosalie’s
arms like she was being electrocuted. All the while, her face was blank—
unconscious. It was the wild thrashing from inside the center of her body that
moved her. As she convulsed, sharp snaps and cracks kept time with the spasms.
Rosalie and Edward were frozen for the shortest half second, and then they
broke. Rosalie whipped Bella’s body into her arms, and, shouting so fast it was
hard to separate the individual words, she and Edward shot up the staircase to
the second floor.
I sprinted after them.
“Morphine!” Edward yelled at Rosalie.
“Alice—get Carlisle on the phone!” Rosalie screeched.
The room I followed them to looked like an emergency ward set up in the middle
of a library. The lights were brilliant and white. Bella was on a table under the
glare, skin ghostly in the spotlight. Her body flopped, a fish on the sand. Rosalie
pinned Bella down, yanking and ripping her clothes out of the way, while Edward
stabbed a syringe into her arm.
How many times had I imagined her naked? Now I couldn’t look. I was afraid to
have these memories in my head.
“What’s happening, Edward?”
“He’s suffocating!”
“The placenta must have detached!”
Somewhere in this, Bella came around. She responded to their words with a
shriek that clawed at my eardrums.
“Get him OUT!” she screamed. “He can’t BREATHE! Do it NOW!”
I saw the red spots pop out when her scream broke the blood vessels in her eyes.
“The morphine—,” Edward growled.
“NO! NOW—!” Another gush of blood choked off what she was shrieking. He held
her head up, desperately trying to clear her mouth so that she could breathe
again.
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Alice darted into the room and clipped a little blue earpiece under Rosalie’s hair.
Then Alice backed away, her gold eyes wide and burning, while Rosalie hissed
frantically into the phone.
In the bright light, Bella’s skin seemed more purple and black than it was white.
Deep red was seeping beneath the skin over the huge, shuddering bulge of her
stomach. Rosalie’s hand came up with a scalpel.
“Let the morphine spread!” Edward shouted at her.
“There’s no time,” Rosalie hissed. “He’s dying!”
Her hand came down on Bella’s stomach, and vivid red spouted out from where
she pierced the skin. It was like a bucket being turned over, a faucet twisted to
full. Bella jerked, but didn’t scream. She was still choking.
And then Rosalie lost her focus. I saw the expression on her face shift, saw her
lips pull back from her teeth and her black eyes glint with thirst.
“No, Rose!” Edward roared, but his hands were trapped, trying to prop Bella
upright so she could breathe.
I launched myself at Rosalie, jumping across the table without bothering to
phase. As I hit her stone body, knocking her toward the door, I felt the scalpel in
her hand stab deep into my left arm. My right palm smashed against her face,
locking her jaw and blocking her airways.
I used my grip on Rosalie’s face to swing her body out so that I could land a solid
kick in her gut; it was like kicking concrete. She flew into the door frame,
buckling one side of it. The little speaker in her ear crackled into pieces. Then
Alice was there, yanking her by the throat to get her into the hall.
And I had to give it to Blondie—she didn’t put up an ounce of fight. She wanted
us to win. She let me trash her like that, to save Bella. Well, to save the thing.
I ripped the blade out of my arm.
“Alice, get her out of here!” Edward shouted. “Take her to Jasper and keep her
there! Jacob, I need you!”
I didn’t watch Alice finish the job. I wheeled back to the operating table, where
Bella was turning blue, her eyes wide and staring.
“CPR?” Edward growled at me, fast and demanding.
“Yes!”
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I judged his face swiftly, looking for any sign that he was going to react like
Rosalie. There was nothing but single-minded ferocity.
“Get her breathing! I’ve got to get him out before—”
Another shattering crack inside her body, the loudest yet, so loud that we both
froze in shock waiting for her answering shriek. Nothing. Her legs, which had
been curled up in agony, now went limp, sprawling out in an unnatural way.
“Her spine,” he choked in horror.
“Get it out of her!” I snarled, flinging the scalpel at him. “She won’t feel anything
now!”
And then I bent over her head. Her mouth looked clear, so I pressed mine to hers
and blew a lungful of air into it. I felt her twitching body expand, so there was
nothing blocking her throat.
Her lips tasted like blood.
I could hear her heart, thumping unevenly. Keep it going, I thought fiercely at
her, blowing another gust of air into her body. You promised. Keep your heart
beating.
I heard the soft, wet sound of the scalpel across her stomach. More blood
dripping to the floor.
The next sound jolted through me, unexpected, terrifying. Like metal being
shredded apart. The sound brought back the fight in the clearing so many months
ago, the tearing sound of the newborns being ripped apart. I glanced over to see
Edward’s face pressed against the bulge. Vampire teeth—a surefire way to cut
through vampire skin.
I shuddered as I blew more air into Bella.
She coughed back at me, her eyes blinking, rolling blindly.
“You stay with me now, Bella!” I yelled at her. “Do you hear me? Stay! You’re not
leaving me. Keep your heart beating!”
Her eyes wheeled, looking for me, or him, but seeing nothing.
I stared into them anyway, keeping my gaze locked there.
And then her body was suddenly still under my hands, though her breathing
picked up roughly and her heart continued to thud. I realized the stillness meant
that it was over. The internal beating was over. It must be out of her.
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It was.
Edward whispered, “Renesmee.”
So Bella’d been wrong. It wasn’t the boy she’d imagined. No big surprise there.
What hadn’t she been wrong about?
I didn’t look away from her red-spotted eyes, but I felt her hands lift weakly.
“Let me…,” she croaked in a broken whisper. “Give her to me.”
I guess I should have known that he would always give her what she wanted, no
matter how stupid her request might be. But I didn’t dream he would listen to her
now. So I didn’t think to stop him.
Something warm touched my arm. That right there should have caught my
attention. Nothing felt warm to me.
But I couldn’t look away from Bella’s face. She blinked and then stared, finally
seeing something. She moaned out a strange, weak croon.
“Renes… mee. So… beautiful.”
And then she gasped—gasped in pain.
By the time I looked, it was too late. Edward had snatched the warm, bloody
thing out of her limp arms. My eyes flickered across her skin. It was red with
blood—the blood that had flowed from her mouth, the blood smeared all over the
creature, and fresh blood welling out of a tiny double-crescent bite mark just over
her left breast.
“No, Renesmee,” Edward murmured, like he was teaching the monster manners.
I didn’t look at him or it. I watched only Bella as her eyes rolled back into her
head.
With a last dull ga-lump, her heart faltered and went silent.
She missed maybe half of one beat, and then my hands were on her chest, doing
compressions. I counted in my head, trying to keep the rhythm steady. One. Two.
Three. Four.
Breaking away for a second, I blew another lungful of air into her.
I couldn’t see anymore. My eyes were wet and blurry. But I was hyperaware of the
sounds in the room. The unwilling glug-glug of her heart under my demanding
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hands, the pounding of my own heart, and another—a fluttering beat that was too
fast, too light. I couldn’t place it.
I forced more air down Bella’s throat.
“What are you waiting for?” I choked out breathlessly, pumping her heart again.
One. Two. Three. Four.
“Take the baby,” Edward said urgently.
“Throw it out the window.” One. Two. Three. Four.
“Give her to me,” a low voice chimed from the doorway.
Edward and I snarled at the same time.
One. Two. Three. Four.
“I’ve got it under control,” Rosalie promised. “Give me the baby, Edward. I’ll take
care of her until Bella . . .”
I breathed for Bella again while the exchange took place. The fluttering thumpathumpa-
thumpa faded away with distance.
“Move your hands, Jacob.”
I looked up from Bella’s white eyes, still pumping her heart for her. Edward had a
syringe in his hand—all silver, like it was made from steel.
“What’s that?”
His stone hand knocked mine out of the way. There was a tiny crunch as his blow
broke my little finger. In the same second, he shoved the needle straight into her
heart.
“My venom,” he answered as he pushed the plunger down.
I heard the jolt in her heart, like he’d shocked her with paddles.
“Keep it moving,” he ordered. His voice was ice, was dead. Fierce and unthinking.
Like he was a machine.
I ignored the healing ache in my finger and started pumping her heart again. It
was harder, as if her blood was congealing there—thicker and slower. While I
pushed the now-viscous blood through her arteries, I watched what he was doing.
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It was like he was kissing her, brushing his lips at her throat, at her wrists, into
the crease at the inside of her arm. But I could hear the lush tearing of her skin as
his teeth bit through, again and again, forcing venom into her system at as many
points as possible. I saw his pale tongue sweep along the bleeding gashes, but
before this could make me either sick or angry, I realized what he was doing.
Where his tongue washed the venom over her skin, it sealed shut. Holding the
poison and the blood inside her body.
I blew more air into her mouth, but there was nothing there. Just the lifeless rise
of her chest in response. I kept pumping her heart, counting, while he worked
manically over her, trying to put her back together. All the king’s horses and all
the king’s men…
But there was nothing there, just me, just him.
Working over a corpse.
Because that’s all that was left of the girl we both loved. This broken, bled-out,
mangled corpse. We couldn’t put Bella together again.
I knew it was too late. I knew she was dead. I knew it for sure because the pull
was gone. I didn’t feel any reason to be here beside her. She wasn’t here anymore.
So this body had no more draw for me. The senseless need to be near her had
vanished.
Or maybe moved was the better word. It seemed like I felt the pull from the
opposite direction now. From down the stairs, out the door. The longing to get
away from here and never, ever come back.
“Go, then,” he snapped, and he hit my hands out of the way again, taking my
place this time. Three fingers broken, it felt like.
I straightened them numbly, not minding the throb of pain.
He pushed her dead heart faster than I had.
“She’s not dead,” he growled. “She’s going to be fine.”
I wasn’t sure he was talking to me anymore.
Turning away, leaving him with his dead, I walked slowly to the door. So slowly. I
couldn’t make my feet move faster.
This was it, then. The ocean of pain. The other shore so far away across the
boiling water that I couldn’t imagine it, much less see it.
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I felt empty again, now that I’d lost my purpose. Saving Bella had been my fight
for so long now. And she wouldn’t be saved. She’d willingly sacrificed herself to
be torn apart by that monster’s young, and so the fight was lost. It was all over.
I shuddered at the sound coming from behind me as I plodded down the stairs—
the sound of a dead heart being forced to thud.
I wanted to somehow pour bleach inside my head and let it fry my brain. To burn
away the images left from Bella’s final minutes. I’d take the brain damage if I
could get rid of that—the screaming, the bleeding, the unbearable crunching and
snapping as the newborn monster tore through her from the inside out. . . .
I wanted to sprint away, to take the stairs ten at a time and race out the door, but
my feet were heavy as iron and my body was more tired than it had ever been
before. I shuffled down the stairs like a crippled old man.
I rested at the bottom step, gathering my strength to get out the door.
Rosalie was on the clean end of the white sofa, her back to me, cooing and
murmuring to the blanket-wrapped thing in her arms. She must have heard me
pause, but she ignored me, caught up in her moment of stolen motherhood.
Maybe she would be happy now. Rosalie had what she wanted, and Bella would
never come to take the creature from her. I wondered if that’s what the poisonous
blonde had been hoping for all along.
She held something dark in her hands, and there was a greedy sucking sound
coming from the tiny murderer she held.
The scent of blood in the air. Human blood. Rosalie was feeding it. Of course it
would want blood. What else would you feed the kind of monster that would
brutally mutilate its own mother? It might as well have been drinking Bella’s
blood. Maybe it was.
My strength came back to me as I listened to the sound of the little executioner
feeding.
Strength and hate and heat—red heat washing through my head, burning but
erasing nothing. The images in my head were fuel, building up the inferno but
refusing to be consumed. I felt the tremors rock me from head to toe, and I did
not try to stop them.
Rosalie was totally absorbed in the creature, paying no attention to me at all. She
wouldn’t be quick enough to stop me, distracted as she was.
Sam had been right. The thing was an aberration—its existence went against
nature. A black, soulless demon. Something that had no right to be.
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Something that had to be destroyed.
It seemed like the pull had not been leading to the door after all. I could feel it
now, encouraging me, tugging me forward. Pushing me to finish this, to cleanse
the world of this abomination.
Rosalie would try to kill me when the creature was dead, and I would fight back. I
wasn’t sure if I would have time to finish her before the others came to help.
Maybe, maybe not. I didn’t much care either way.
I didn’t care if the wolves, either set, avenged me or called the Cullens’ justice
fair. None of that mattered. All I cared about was my own justice. My revenge.
The thing that had killed Bella would not live another minute longer.
If Bella’d survived, she would have hated me for this. She would have wanted to
kill me personally.
But I didn’t care. She didn’t care what she had done to me—letting herself be
slaughtered like an animal. Why should I take her feelings into account?
And then there was Edward. He must be too busy now—too far gone in his insane
denial, trying to reanimate a corpse—to listen to my plans.
So I wouldn’t get the chance to keep my promise to him, unless—and it was not a
wager I’d put money on—I managed to win the fight against Rosalie, Jasper, and
Alice, three on one. But even if I did win, I didn’t think I had it in me to kill
Edward.
Because I didn’t have enough compassion for that. Why should I let him get away
from what he’d done? Wouldn’t it be more fair—more satisfying—to let him live
with nothing, nothing at all?
It made me almost smile, as filled with hate as I was, to imagine it. No Bella. No
killer spawn. And also missing as many members of his family as I was able to
take down. Of course, he could probably put those back together, since I wouldn’t
be around to burn them. Unlike Bella, who would never be whole again.
I wondered if the creature could be put back together. I doubted it. It was part
Bella, too—so it must have inherited some of her vulnerability. I could hear that
in the tiny, thrumming beat of its heart.
Its heart was beating. Hers wasn’t.
Only a second had passed as I made these easy decisions.
The trembling was getting tighter and faster. I coiled myself, preparing to spring
at the blond vampire and rip the murderous thing from her arms with my teeth.
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Rosalie cooed at the creature again, setting the empty metal bottle-thing aside
and lifting the creature into the air to nuzzle her face against its cheek.
Perfect. The new position was perfect for my strike. I leaned forward and felt the
heat begin to change me while the pull toward the killer grew—it was stronger
than I’d ever felt it before, so strong it reminded me of an Alpha’s command, like
it would crush me if I didn’t obey.
This time I wanted to obey.
The murderer stared past Rosalie’s shoulder at me, its gaze more focused than
any newborn creature’s gaze should be.
Warm brown eyes, the color of milk chocolate—the exact same color that Bella’s
had been.
My shaking jerked to a stop; heat flooded through me, stronger than before, but it
was a new kind of heat—not a burning.
It was a glowing.
Everything inside me came undone as I stared at the tiny porcelain face of the
half-vampire, half-human baby. All the lines that held me to my life were sliced
apart in swift cuts, like clipping the strings to a bunch of balloons. Everything
that made me who I was—my love for the dead girl upstairs, my love for my
father, my loyalty to my new pack, the love for my other brothers, my hatred for
my enemies, my home, my name, my self—disconnected from me in that
second—snip, snip, snip—and floated up into space.
I was not left drifting. A new string held me where I was.
Not one string, but a million. Not strings, but steel cables. A million steel cables
all tying me to one thing—to the very center of the universe.
I could see that now—how the universe swirled around this one point. I’d never
seen the symmetry of the universe before, but now it was plain.
The gravity of the earth no longer tied me to the place where I stood.
It was the baby girl in the blond vampire’s arms that held me here now.
Renesmee.
From upstairs, there was a new sound. The only sound that could touch me in
this endless instant.
A frantic pounding, a racing beat…
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A changing heart.
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BOOK THREE
bella
CONTENTS
PREFACE
19. BURNING
20. NEW
21. FIRST HUNT
22. PROMISED
23. MEMORIES
24. SURPRISE
25. FAVOR
26. SHINY
27. TRAVEL PLANS
28. THE FUTURE
29. DEFECTION
30. IRRESISTIBLE
31. TALENTED
32. COMPANY
33. FORGERY
34. DECLARED
35. DEADLINE
36. BLOODLUST
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37. CONTRIVANCES
38. POWER
39. THE HAPPILY EVER AFTER
273
Personal affection is a luxury you can have only after all your
enemies are eliminated. Until then, everyone you love is a hostage,
sapping your courage and corrupting your judgment.
Orson Scott Card
Empire
274
PREFACE
No longer just a nightmare, the line of black advanced on us through the icy mist
stirred up by their feet.
We’re going to die, I thought in panic. I was desperate for the precious one I
guarded, but even to think of that was a lapse in attention I could not afford.
They ghosted closer, their dark robes billowing slightly with the movement. I saw
their hands curl into bone-colored claws. They drifted apart, angling to come at
us from all sides. We were outnumbered. It was over.
And then, like a burst of light from a flash, the whole scene was different. Yet
nothing changed—the Volturi still stalked toward us, poised to kill. All that really
changed was how the picture looked to me. Suddenly, I was hungry for it. I
wanted them to charge. The panic changed to bloodlust as I crouched forward, a
smile on my face, and a growl ripped through my bared teeth.
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19. BURNING
The pain was bewildering.
Exactly that—I was bewildered. I couldn’t understand, couldn’t make sense of
what was happening.
My body tried to reject the pain, and I was sucked again and again into a
blackness that cut out whole seconds or maybe even minutes of the agony,
making it that much harder to keep up with reality.
I tried to separate them.
Non-reality was black, and it didn’t hurt so much.
Reality was red, and it felt like I was being sawed in half, hit by a bus, punched by
a prize fighter, trampled by bulls, and submerged in acid, all at the same time.
Reality was feeling my body twist and flip when I couldn’t possibly move because
of the pain.
Reality was knowing there was something so much more important than all this
torture, and not being able to remember what it was.
Reality had come on so fast.
One moment, everything was as it should have been. Surrounded by people I
loved. Smiles. Somehow, unlikely as it was, it seemed like I was about to get
everything I’d been fighting for.
And then one tiny, inconsequential thing had gone wrong.
I’d watched as my cup tilted, dark blood spilling out and staining the perfect
white, and I’d lurched toward the accident reflexively. I’d seen the other, faster
hands, but my body had continued to reach, to stretch. . . .
Inside me, something had yanked the opposite direction.
Ripping. Breaking. Agony.
The darkness had taken over, and then washed away to a wave of torture. I
couldn’t breathe—I had drowned once before, and this was different; it was too
hot in my throat.
Pieces of me shattering, snapping, slicing apart. . . .
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More blackness.
Voices, this time, shouting, as the pain came back.
“The placenta must have detached!”
Something sharper than knives ripped through me—the words, making sense in
spite of the other tortures. Detached placenta—I knew what that meant. It meant
that my baby was dying inside me.
“Get him out!” I screamed to Edward. Why hadn’t he done it yet? “He can’t
breathe! Do it now!”
“The morphine—”
He wanted to wait, to give me painkillers, while our baby was dying?!
“No! Now—,” I choked, unable to finish.
Black spots covered the light in the room as a cold point of new pain stabbed icily
into my stomach. It felt wrong—I struggled automatically to protect my womb,
my baby, my little Edward Jacob, but I was weak. My lungs ached, oxygen burned
away.
The pain faded away again, though I clung to it now. My baby, my baby, dying. . .
.
How long had passed? Seconds or minutes? The pain was gone. Numb. I couldn’t
feel. I still couldn’t see, either, but I could hear. There was air in my lungs again,
scraping in rough bubbles up and down my throat.
“You stay with me now, Bella! Do you hear me? Stay! You’re not leaving me. Keep
your heart beating!”
Jacob? Jacob, still here, still trying to save me.
Of course, I wanted to tell him. Of course I would keep my heart beating. Hadn’t I
promised them both?
I tried to feel my heart, to find it, but I was so lost inside my own body. I couldn’t
feel the things I should, and nothing felt in the right place. I blinked and I found
my eyes. I could see the light. Not what I was looking for, but better than nothing.
As my eyes struggled to adjust, Edward whispered, “Renesmee.”
Renesmee?
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Not the pale and perfect son of my imagination? I felt a moment of shock. And
then a flood of warmth.
Renesmee.
I willed my lips to move, willed the bubbles of air to turn into whispers on my
tongue. I forced my numb hands to reach.
“Let me… Give her to me.”
The light danced, shattering off Edward’s crystal hands. The sparkles were tinged
with red, with the blood that covered his skin. And more red in his hands.
Something small and struggling, dripping with blood. He touched the warm body
to my weak arms, almost like I was holding her. Her wet skin was hot—as hot as
Jacob’s.
My eyes focused; suddenly everything was absolutely clear.
Renesmee did not cry, but she breathed in quick, startled pants. Her eyes were
open, her expression so shocked it was almost funny. The little, perfectly round
head was covered in a thick layer of matted, bloody curls. Her irises were a
familiar—but astonishing—chocolate brown. Under the blood, her skin looked
pale, a creamy ivory. All besides her cheeks, which flamed with color.
Her tiny face was so absolutely perfect that it stunned me. She was even more
beautiful than her father. Unbelievable. Impossible.
“Renesmee,” I whispered. “So… beautiful.”
The impossible face suddenly smiled—a wide, deliberate smile. Behind the shellpink
lips was a full complement of snowy milk teeth.
She leaned her head down, against my chest, burrowing against the warmth. Her
skin was warm and silky, but it didn’t give the way mine did.
Then there was pain again—just one warm slash of it. I gasped.
And she was gone. My angel-faced baby was nowhere. I couldn’t see or feel her.
No! I wanted to shout. Give her back to me!
But the weakness was too much. My arms felt like empty rubber hoses for a
moment, and then they felt like nothing at all. I couldn’t feel them. I couldn’t feel
me.
The blackness rushed over my eyes more solidly than before. Like a thick
blindfold, firm and fast. Covering not just my eyes but also my self with a
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crushing weight. It was exhausting to push against it. I knew it would be so much
easier to give in. To let the blackness push me down, down, down to a place
where there was no pain and no weariness and no worry and no fear.
If it had only been for myself, I wouldn’t have been able to struggle very long. I
was only human, with no more than human strength. I’d been trying to keep up
with the supernatural for too long, like Jacob had said.
But this wasn’t just about me.
If I did the easy thing now, let the black nothingness erase me, I would hurt them.
Edward. Edward. My life and his were twisted into a single strand. Cut one, and
you cut both. If he were gone, I would not be able to live through that. If I were
gone, he wouldn’t live through it, either. And a world without Edward seemed
completely pointless. Edward had to exist.
Jacob—who’d said goodbye to me over and over but kept coming back when I
needed him. Jacob, who I’d wounded so many times it was criminal. Would I hurt
him again, the worst way yet? He’d stayed for me, despite everything. Now all he
asked was that I stay for him.
But it was so dark here that I couldn’t see either of their faces. Nothing seemed
real. That made it hard not to give up.
I kept pushing against the black, though, almost a reflex. I wasn’t trying to lift it. I
was just resisting. Not allowing it to crush me completely. I wasn’t Atlas, and the
black felt as heavy as a planet; I couldn’t shoulder it. All I could do was not be
entirely obliterated.
It was sort of the pattern to my life—I’d never been strong enough to deal with the
things outside my control, to attack the enemies or outrun them. To avoid the
pain. Always human and weak, the only thing I’d ever been able to do was keep
going. Endure. Survive.
It had been enough up to this point. It would have to be enough today. I would
endure this until help came.
I knew Edward would be doing everything he could. He would not give up.
Neither would I.
I held the blackness of nonexistence at bay by inches.
It wasn’t enough, though—that determination. As the time ground on and on and
the darkness gained by tiny eighths and sixteenths of my inches, I needed
something more to draw strength from.
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I couldn’t pull even Edward’s face into view. Not Jacob’s, not Alice’s or Rosalie’s
or Charlie’s or Renée’s or Carlisle’s or Esme’s… Nothing. It terrified me, and I
wondered if it was too late.
I felt myself slipping—there was nothing to hold on to.
No! I had to survive this. Edward was depending on me. Jacob. Charlie Alice
Rosalie Carlisle Renée Esme…
Renesmee.
And then, though I still couldn’t see anything, suddenly I could feel something.
Like phantom limbs, I imagined I could feel my arms again. And in them,
something small and hard and very, very warm.
My baby. My little nudger.
I had done it. Against the odds, I had been strong enough to survive Renesmee, to
hold on to her until she was strong enough to live without me.
That spot of heat in my phantom arms felt so real. I clutched it closer. It was
exactly where my heart should be. Holding tight the warm memory of my
daughter, I knew that I would be able to fight the darkness as long as I needed to.
The warmth beside my heart got more and more real, warmer and warmer.
Hotter. The heat was so real it was hard to believe that I was imagining it.
Hotter.
Uncomfortable now. Too hot. Much, much too hot.
Like grabbing the wrong end of a curling iron—my automatic response was to
drop the scorching thing in my arms. But there was nothing in my arms. My arms
were not curled to my chest. My arms were dead things lying somewhere at my
side. The heat was inside me.
The burning grew—rose and peaked and rose again until it surpassed anything I’d
ever felt.
I felt the pulse behind the fire raging now in my chest and realized that I’d found
my heart again, just in time to wish I never had. To wish that I’d embraced the
blackness while I’d still had the chance. I wanted to raise my arms and claw my
chest open and rip the heart from it—anything to get rid of this torture. But I
couldn’t feel my arms, couldn’t move one vanished finger.
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James, snapping my leg under his foot. That was nothing. That was a soft place to
rest on a feather bed. I’d take that now, a hundred times. A hundred snaps. I’d
take it and be grateful.
The baby, kicking my ribs apart, breaking her way through me piece by piece.
That was nothing. That was floating in a pool of cool water. I’d take it a thousand
times. Take it and be grateful.
The fire blazed hotter and I wanted to scream. To beg for someone to kill me now,
before I lived one more second in this pain. But I couldn’t move my lips. The
weight was still there, pressing on me.
I realized it wasn’t the darkness holding me down; it was my body. So heavy.
Burying me in the flames that were chewing their way out from my heart now,
spreading with impossible pain through my shoulders and stomach, scalding
their way up my throat, licking at my face.
Why couldn’t I move? Why couldn’t I scream? This wasn’t part of the stories.
My mind was unbearably clear—sharpened by the fierce pain—and I saw the
answer almost as soon as I could form the questions.
The morphine.
It seemed like a million deaths ago that we’d discussed it—Edward, Carlisle, and
I. Edward and Carlisle had hoped that enough painkillers would help fight the
pain of the venom. Carlisle had tried with Emmett, but the venom had burned
ahead of the medicine, sealing his veins. There hadn’t been time for it to spread.
I’d kept my face smooth and nodded and thanked my rarely lucky stars that
Edward could not read my mind.
Because I’d had morphine and venom together in my system before, and I knew
the truth. I knew the numbness of the medicine was completely irrelevant while
the venom seared through my veins. But there’d been no way I was going to
mention that fact. Nothing that would make him more unwilling to change me.
I hadn’t guessed that the morphine would have this effect—that it would pin me
down and gag me. Hold me paralyzed while I burned.
I knew all the stories. I knew that Carlisle had kept quiet enough to avoid
discovery while he burned. I knew that, according to Rosalie, it did no good to
scream. And I’d hoped that maybe I could be like Carlisle. That I would believe
Rosalie’s words and keep my mouth shut. Because I knew that every scream that
escaped my lips would torment Edward.
Now it seemed like a hideous joke that I was getting my wish fulfilled.
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If I couldn’t scream, how could I tell them to kill me?
All I wanted was to die. To never have been born. The whole of my existence did
not outweigh this pain. Wasn’t worth living through it for one more heartbeat.
Let me die, let me die, let me die.
And, for a never-ending space, that was all there was. Just the fiery torture, and
my soundless shrieks, pleading for death to come. Nothing else, not even time. So
that made it infinite, with no beginning and no end. One infinite moment of pain.
The only change came when suddenly, impossibly, my pain was doubled. The
lower half of my body, deadened since before the morphine, was suddenly on fire,
too. Some broken connection had been healed—knitted together by the scorching
fingers of the flame.
The endless burn raged on.
It could have been seconds or days, weeks or years, but, eventually, time came to
mean something again.
Three things happened together, grew from each other so that I didn’t know
which came first: time restarted, the morphine’s weight faded, and I got stronger.
I could feel the control of my body come back to me in increments, and those
increments were my first markers of the time passing. I knew it when I was able
to twitch my toes and twist my fingers into fists. I knew it, but I did not act on it.
Though the fire did not decrease one tiny degree—in fact, I began to develop a
new capacity for experiencing it, a new sensitivity to appreciate, separately, each
blistering tongue of flame that licked through my veins—I discovered that I could
think around it.
I could remember why I shouldn’t scream. I could remember the reason why I’d
committed to enduring this unendurable agony. I could remember that, though it
felt impossible now, there was something that might be worth the torture.
This happened just in time for me to hold on when the weights left my body. To
anyone watching me, there would be no change. But for me, as I struggled to keep
the screams and thrashing locked up inside my body, where they couldn’t hurt
anyone else, it felt like I’d gone from being tied to the stake as I burned, to
gripping that stake to hold myself in the fire.
I had just enough strength to lie there unmoving while I was charred alive.
My hearing got clearer and clearer, and I could count the frantic, pounding beats
of my heart to mark the time.
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I could count the shallow breaths that gasped through my teeth.
I could count the low, even breaths that came from somewhere close beside me.
These moved slowest, so I concentrated on them. They meant the most time
passing. More even than a clock’s pendulum, those breaths pulled me through the
burning seconds toward the end.
I continued to get stronger, my thoughts clearer. When new noises came, I could
listen.
There were light footsteps, the whisper of air stirred by an opening door. The
footsteps got closer, and I felt pressure against the inside of my wrist. I couldn’t
feel the coolness of the fingers. The fire blistered away every memory of cool.
“Still no change?”
“None.”
The lightest pressure, breath against my scorched skin.
“There’s no scent of the morphine left.”
“I know.”
“Bella? Can you hear me?”
I knew, beyond all doubt, that if I unlocked my teeth I would lose it—I would
shriek and screech and writhe and thrash. If I opened my eyes, if I so much as
twitched a finger—any change at all would be the end of my control.
“Bella? Bella, love? Can you open your eyes? Can you squeeze my hand?”
Pressure on my fingers. It was harder not to answer this voice, but I stayed
paralyzed. I knew that the pain in his voice now was nothing compared to what it
could be. Right now he only feared that I was suffering.
“Maybe… Carlisle, maybe I was too late.” His voice was muffled; it broke on the
word late.
My resolve wavered for a second.
“Listen to her heart, Edward. It’s stronger than even Emmett’s was. I’ve never
heard anything so vital. She’ll be perfect.”
Yes, I was right to keep quiet. Carlisle would reassure him. He didn’t need to
suffer with me.
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“And her—her spine?”
“Her injuries weren’t so much worse than Esme’s. The venom will heal her as it
did Esme.”
“But she’s so still. I must have done something wrong.”
“Or something right, Edward. Son, you did everything I could have and more. I’m
not sure I would have had the persistence, the faith it took to save her. Stop
berating yourself. Bella is going to be fine.”
A broken whisper. “She must be in agony.”
“We don’t know that. She had so much morphine in her system. We don’t know
the effect that will have on her experience.”
Faint pressure inside the crease of my elbow. Another whisper. “Bella, I love you.
Bella, I’m sorry.”
I wanted so much to answer him, but I wouldn’t make his pain worse. Not while I
had the strength to hold myself still.
Through all this, the racking fire went right on burning me. But there was so
much space in my head now. Room to ponder their conversation, room to
remember what had happened, room to look ahead to the future, with still
endless room left over to suffer in.
Also room to worry.
Where was my baby? Why wasn’t she here? Why weren’t they talking about her?
“No, I’m staying right here,” Edward whispered, answering an unspoken thought.
“They’ll sort it out.”
“An interesting situation,” Carlisle responded. “And I’d thought I’d seen just
about everything.”
“I’ll deal with it later. We’ll deal with it.” Something pressed softly to my
blistering palm.
“I’m sure, between the five of us, we can keep it from turning into bloodshed.”
Edward sighed. “I don’t know which side to take. I’d love to flog them both. Well,
later.”
“I wonder what Bella will think—whose side she’ll take,” Carlisle mused.
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One low, strained chuckle. “I’m sure she’ll surprise me. She always does.”
Carlisle’s footsteps faded away again, and I was frustrated that there was no
further explanation. Were they talking so mysteriously just to annoy me?
I went back to counting Edward’s breaths to mark the time.
Ten thousand, nine hundred forty-three breaths later, a different set of footsteps
whispered into the room. Lighter. More… rhythmic.
Strange that I could distinguish the minute differences between footsteps that I’d
never been able to hear at all before today.
“How much longer?” Edward asked.
“It won’t be long now,” Alice told him. “See how clear she’s becoming? I can see
her so much better.” She sighed.
“Still feeling a little bitter?”
“Yes, thanks so much for bringing it up,” she grumbled. “You would be mortified,
too, if you realized that you were handcuffed by your own nature. I see vampires
best, because I am one; I see humans okay, because I was one. But I can’t see
these odd half-breeds at all because they’re nothing I’ve experienced. Bah!”
“Focus, Alice.”
“Right. Bella’s almost too easy to see now.”
There was a long moment of silence, and then Edward sighed. It was a new
sound, happier.
“She’s really going to be fine,” he breathed.
“Of course she is.”
“You weren’t so sanguine two days ago.”
“I couldn’t see right two days ago. But now that she’s free of all the blind spots,
it’s a piece of cake.”
“Could you concentrate for me? On the clock—give me an estimate.”
Alice sighed. “So impatient. Fine. Give me a sec—”
Quiet breathing.
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“Thank you, Alice.” His voice was brighter.
How long? Couldn’t they at least say it aloud for me? Was that too much to ask?
How many more seconds would I burn? Ten thousand? Twenty? Another day—
eighty-six thousand, four hundred? More than that?
“She’s going to be dazzling.”
Edward growled quietly. “She always has been.”
Alice snorted. “You know what I mean. Look at her.”
Edward didn’t answer, but Alice’s words gave me hope that maybe I didn’t
resemble the charcoal briquette I felt like. It seemed as if I must be just a pile of
charred bones by now. Every cell in my body had been razed to ash.
I heard Alice breeze out of the room. I heard the swish of the fabric she moved,
rubbing against itself. I heard the quiet buzz of the light hanging from the ceiling.
I heard the faint wind brushing against the outside of the house. I could hear
everything.
Downstairs, someone was watching a ball game. The Mariners were winning by
two runs.
“It’s my turn,” I heard Rosalie snap at someone, and there was a low snarl in
response.
“Hey, now,” Emmett cautioned.
Someone hissed.
I listened for more, but there was nothing but the game. Baseball was not
interesting enough to distract me from the pain, so I listened to Edward’s
breathing again, counting the seconds.
Twenty-one thousand, nine hundred seventeen and a half seconds later, the pain
changed.
On the good-news side of things, it started to fade from my fingertips and toes.
Fading slowly, but at least it was doing something new. This had to be it. The
pain was on its way out.…
And then the bad news. The fire in my throat wasn’t the same as before. I wasn’t
only on fire, but I was now parched, too. Dry as bone. So thirsty. Burning fire,
and burning thirst…
Also bad news: The fire inside my heart got hotter.
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How was that possible?
My heartbeat, already too fast, picked up—the fire drove its rhythm to a new
frantic pace.
“Carlisle,” Edward called. His voice was low but clear. I knew that Carlisle would
hear it, if he were in or near the house.
The fire retreated from my palms, leaving them blissfully pain-free and cool. But
it retreated to my heart, which blazed hot as the sun and beat at a furious new
speed.
Carlisle entered the room, Alice at his side. Their footsteps were so distinct, I
could even tell that Carlisle was on the right, and a foot ahead of Alice.
“Listen,” Edward told them.
The loudest sound in the room was my frenzied heart, pounding to the rhythm of
the fire.
“Ah,” Carlisle said. “It’s almost over.”
My relief at his words was overshadowed by the excruciating pain in my heart.
My wrists were free, though, and my ankles. The fire was totally extinguished
there.
“Soon,” Alice agreed eagerly. “I’ll get the others. Should I have Rosalie… ?”
“Yes—keep the baby away.”
What? No. No! What did he mean, keep my baby away? What was he thinking?
My fingers twitched—the irritation breaking through my perfect façade. The
room went silent besides the jack-hammering of my heart as they all stopped
breathing for a second in response.
A hand squeezed my wayward fingers. “Bella? Bella, love?”
Could I answer him without screaming? I considered that for a moment, and then
the fire ripped hotter still through my chest, draining in from my elbows and
knees. Better not to chance it.
“I’ll bring them right up,” Alice said, an urgent edge to her tone, and I heard the
swish of wind as she darted away.
And then—oh!
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My heart took off, beating like helicopter blades, the sound almost a single
sustained note; it felt like it would grind through my ribs. The fire flared up in the
center of my chest, sucking the last remnants of the flames from the rest of my
body to fuel the most scorching blaze yet. The pain was enough to stun me, to
break through my iron grip on the stake. My back arched, bowed as if the fire was
dragging me upward by my heart.
I allowed no other piece of my body to break rank as my torso slumped back to
the table.
It became a battle inside me—my sprinting heart racing against the attacking fire.
Both were losing. The fire was doomed, having consumed everything that was
combustible; my heart galloped toward its last beat.
The fire constricted, concentrating inside that one remaining human organ with a
final, unbearable surge. The surge was answered by a deep, hollow-sounding
thud. My heart stuttered twice, and then thudded quietly again just once more.
There was no sound. No breathing. Not even mine.
For a moment, the absence of pain was all I could comprehend.
And then I opened my eyes and gazed above me in wonder.
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20. NEW
Everything was so clear.
Sharp. Defined.
The brilliant light overhead was still blinding-bright, and yet I could plainly see
the glowing strands of the filaments inside the bulb. I could see each color of the
rainbow in the white light, and, at the very edge of the spectrum, an eighth color I
had no name for.
Behind the light, I could distinguish the individual grains in the dark wood ceiling
above. In front of it, I could see the dust motes in the air, the sides the light
touched, and the dark sides, distinct and separate. They spun like little planets,
moving around each other in a celestial dance.
The dust was so beautiful that I inhaled in shock; the air whistled down my
throat, swirling the motes into a vortex. The action felt wrong. I considered, and
realized the problem was that there was no relief tied to the action. I didn’t need
the air. My lungs weren’t waiting for it. They reacted indifferently to the influx.
I did not need the air, but I liked it. In it, I could taste the room around me—taste
the lovely dust motes, the mix of the stagnant air mingling with the flow of
slightly cooler air from the open door. Taste a lush whiff of silk. Taste a faint hint
of something warm and desirable, something that should be moist, but wasn’t.…
That smell made my throat burn dryly, a faint echo of the venom burn, though
the scent was tainted by the bite of chlorine and ammonia. And most of all, I
could taste an almost-honey-lilac-and-sun-flavored scent that was the strongest
thing, the closest thing to me.
I heard the sound of the others, breathing again now that I did. Their breath
mixed with the scent that was something just off honey and lilac and sunshine,
bringing new flavors. Cinnamon, hyacinth, pear, seawater, rising bread, pine,
vanilla, leather, apple, moss, lavender, chocolate.… I traded a dozen different
comparisons in my mind, but none of them fit exactly. So sweet and pleasant.
The TV downstairs had been muted, and I heard someone—Rosalie?—shift her
weight on the first floor.
I also heard a faint, thudding rhythm, with a voice shouting angrily to the beat.
Rap music? I was mystified for a moment, and then the sound faded away like a
car passing by with the windows rolled down.
With a start, I realized that this could be exactly right. Could I hear all the way to
the freeway?
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I didn’t realize someone was holding my hand until whoever it was squeezed it
lightly. Like it had before to hide the pain, my body locked down again in
surprise. This was not a touch I expected. The skin was perfectly smooth, but it
was the wrong temperature. Not cold.
After that first frozen second of shock, my body responded to the unfamiliar
touch in a way that shocked me even more.
Air hissed up my throat, spitting through my clenched teeth with a low, menacing
sound like a swarm of bees. Before the sound was out, my muscles bunched and
arched, twisting away from the unknown. I flipped off my back in a spin so fast it
should have turned the room into an incomprehensible blur—but it did not. I saw
every dust mote, every splinter in the wood-paneled walls, every loose thread in
microscopic detail as my eyes whirled past them.
So by the time I found myself crouched against the wall defensively—about a
sixteenth of a second later—I already understood what had startled me, and that I
had overreacted.
Oh. Of course. Edward wouldn’t feel cold to me. We were the same temperature
now.
I held my pose for an eighth of a second longer, adjusting to the scene before me.
Edward was leaning across the operating table that had been my pyre, his hand
reached out toward me, his expression anxious.
Edward’s face was the most important thing, but my peripheral vision catalogued
everything else, just in case. Some instinct to defend had been triggered, and I
automatically searched for any sign of danger.
My vampire family waited cautiously against the far wall by the door, Emmett
and Jasper in the front. Like there was danger. My nostrils flared, searching for
the threat. I could smell nothing out of place. That faint scent of something
delicious—but marred by harsh chemicals—tickled my throat again, setting it to
aching and burning.
Alice was peeking around Jasper’s elbow with a huge grin on her face; the light
sparkled off her teeth, another eight-color rainbow.
That grin reassured me and then put the pieces together. Jasper and Emmett
were in the front to protect the others, as I had assumed. What I hadn’t grasped
immediately was that I was the danger.
All this was a sideline. The greater part of my senses and my mind were still
focused on Edward’s face.
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I had never seen it before this second.
How many times had I stared at Edward and marveled over his beauty? How
many hours—days, weeks—of my life had I spent dreaming about what I then
deemed to be perfection? I thought I’d known his face better than my own. I’d
thought this was the one sure physical thing in my whole world: the flawlessness
of Edward’s face.
I may as well have been blind.
For the first time, with the dimming shadows and limiting weakness of humanity
taken off my eyes, I saw his face. I gasped and then struggled with my vocabulary,
unable to find the right words. I needed better words.
At this point, the other part of my attention had ascertained that there was no
danger here besides myself, and I automatically straightened out of my crouch;
almost a whole second had passed since I’d been on the table.
I was momentarily preoccupied by the way my body moved. The instant I’d
considered standing erect, I was already straight. There was no brief fragment of
time in which the action occurred; change was instantaneous, almost as if there
was no movement at all.
I continued to stare at Edward’s face, motionless again.
He moved slowly around the table—each step taking nearly half a second, each
step flowing sinuously like river water weaving over smooth stones—his hand still
outstretched.
I watched the grace of his advance, absorbing it with my new eyes.
“Bella?” he asked in a low, calming tone, but the worry in his voice layered my
name with tension.
I could not answer immediately, lost as I was in the velvet folds of his voice. It
was the most perfect symphony, a symphony in one instrument, an instrument
more profound than any created by man. . . .
“Bella, love? I’m sorry, I know it’s disorienting. But you’re all right. Everything is
fine.”
Everything? My mind spun out, spiraling back to my last human hour. Already,
the memory seemed dim, like I was watching through a thick, dark veil—because
my human eyes had been half blind. Everything had been so blurred.
When he said everything was fine, did that include Renesmee? Where was she?
With Rosalie? I tried to remember her face—I knew that she had been beautiful—
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but it was irritating to try to see through the human memories. Her face was
shrouded in darkness, so poorly lit. . . .
What about Jacob? Was he fine? Did my long-suffering best friend hate me now?
Had he gone back to Sam’s pack? Seth and Leah, too?
Were the Cullens safe, or had my transformation ignited the war with the pack?
Did Edward’s blanket assurance cover all of that? Or was he just trying to calm
me?
And Charlie? What would I tell him now? He must have called while I was
burning. What had they told him? What did he think had happened to me?
As I deliberated for one small piece of a second over which question to ask first,
Edward reached out tentatively and stroked his fingertips across my cheek.
Smooth as satin, soft as a feather, and now exactly matched to the temperature of
my skin.
His touch seemed to sweep beneath the surface of my skin, right through the
bones of my face. The feeling was tingly, electric—it jolted through my bones,
down my spine, and trembled in my stomach.
Wait, I thought as the trembling blossomed into a warmth, a yearning. Wasn’t I
supposed to lose this? Wasn’t giving up this feeling a part of the bargain?
I was a newborn vampire. The dry, scorching ache in my throat gave proof to
that. And I knew what being a newborn entailed. Human emotions and longings
would come back to me later in some form, but I’d accepted that I would not feel
them in the beginning. Only thirst. That was the deal, the price. I’d agreed to pay
it.
But as Edward’s hand curled to the shape of my face like satin-covered steel,
desire raced through my dried-out veins, singing from my scalp to my toes.
He arched one perfect eyebrow, waiting for me to speak.
I threw my arms around him.
Again, it was like there was no movement. One moment I stood straight and still
as a statue; in the same instant, he was in my arms.
Warm—or at least, that was my perception. With the sweet, delicious scent that
I’d never been able to really take in with my dull human senses, but that was one
hundred percent Edward. I pressed my face into his smooth chest.
And then he shifted his weight uncomfortably. Leaned away from my embrace. I
stared up at his face, confused and frightened by the rejection.
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“Um… carefully, Bella. Ow.”
I yanked my arms away, folding them behind my back as soon as I understood.
I was too strong.
“Oops,” I mouthed.
He smiled the kind of smile that would have stopped my heart if it were still
beating.
“Don’t panic, love,” he said, lifting his hand to touch my lips, parted in horror.
“You’re just a bit stronger than I am for the moment.”
My eyebrows pushed together. I’d known this, too, but it felt more surreal than
any other part of this ultimately surreal moment. I was stronger than Edward. I’d
made him say ow.
His hand stroked my cheek again, and I all but forgot my distress as another wave
of desire rippled through my motionless body.
These emotions were so much stronger than I was used to that it was hard to stick
to one train of thought despite the extra room in my head. Each new sensation
overwhelmed me. I remembered Edward saying once—his voice in my head a
weak shadow compared to the crystal, musical clarity I was hearing now—that his
kind, our kind, were easily distracted. I could see why.
I made a concerted effort to focus. There was something I needed to say. The
most important thing.
Very carefully, so carefully that the movement was actually discernible, I brought
my right arm out from behind my back and raised my hand to touch his cheek. I
refused to let myself be sidetracked by the pearly color of my hand or by the
smooth silk of his skin or by the charge that zinged in my fingertips.
I stared into his eyes and heard my own voice for the first time.
“I love you,” I said, but it sounded like singing. My voice rang and shimmered like
a bell.
His answering smile dazzled me more than it ever had when I was human; I could
really see it now.
“As I love you,” he told me.
He took my face between his hands and leaned his face to mine—slow enough to
remind me to be careful. He kissed me, soft as a whisper at first, and then
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suddenly stronger, fiercer. I tried to remember to be gentle with him, but it was
hard work to remember anything in the onslaught of sensation, hard to hold on
to any coherent thoughts.
It was like he’d never kissed me—like this was our first kiss. And, in truth, he’d
never kissed me this way before.
It almost made me feel guilty. Surely I was in breach of the contract. I couldn’t be
allowed to have this, too.
Though I didn’t need oxygen, my breathing sped, raced as fast as it had when I
was burning. This was a different kind of fire.
Someone cleared his throat. Emmett. I recognized the deep sound at once, joking
and annoyed at the same time.
I’d forgotten we weren’t alone. And then I realized that the way I was curved
around Edward now was not exactly polite for company.
Embarrassed, I half-stepped away in another instantaneous movement.
Edward chuckled and stepped with me, keeping his arms tight around my waist.
His face was glowing—like a white flame burned from behind his diamond skin.
I took an unnecessary breath to settle myself.
How different this kissing was! I read his expression as I compared the indistinct
human memories to this clear, intense feeling. He looked… a little smug.
“You’ve been holding out on me,” I accused in my singing voice, my eyes
narrowing a tiny bit.
He laughed, radiant with relief that it was all over—the fear, the pain, the
uncertainties, the waiting, all of it behind us now. “It was sort of necessary at the
time,” he reminded me. “Now it’s your turn to not break me.” He laughed again.
I frowned as I considered that, and then Edward was not the only one laughing.
Carlisle stepped around Emmett and walked toward me swiftly; his eyes were
only slightly wary, but Jasper shadowed his footsteps. I’d never seen Carlisle’s
face before either, not really. I had an odd urge to blink—like I was staring at the
sun.
“How do you feel, Bella?” Carlisle asked.
I considered that for a sixty-fourth of a second.
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“Overwhelmed. There’s so much. . . .” I trailed off, listening to the bell-tone of my
voice again.
“Yes, it can be quite confusing.”
I nodded one fast, jerky bob. “But I feel like me. Sort of. I didn’t expect that.”
Edward’s arms squeezed lightly around my waist. “I told you so,” he whispered.
“You are quite controlled,” Carlisle mused. “More so than I expected, even with
the time you had to prepare yourself mentally for this.”
I thought about the wild mood swings, the difficulty concentrating, and
whispered, “I’m not sure about that.”
He nodded seriously, and then his jeweled eyes glittered with interest. “It seems
like we did something right with the morphine this time. Tell me, what do you
remember of the transformation process?”
I hesitated, intensely aware of Edward’s breath brushing against my cheek,
sending whispers of electricity through my skin.
“Everything was… very dim before. I remember the baby couldn’t breathe. . . .”
I looked at Edward, momentarily frightened by the memory.
“Renesmee is healthy and well,” he promised, a gleam I’d never seen before in his
eyes. He said her name with an understated fervor. A reverence. The way devout
people talked about their gods. “What do you remember after that?”
I focused on my poker face. I’d never been much of a liar. “It’s hard to remember.
It was so dark before. And then… I opened my eyes and I could see everything.”
“Amazing,” Carlisle breathed, his eyes alight.
Chagrin washed through me, and I waited for the heat to burn in my cheeks and
give me away. And then I remembered that I would never blush again. Maybe
that would protect Edward from the truth.
I’d have to find a way to tip off Carlisle, though. Someday. If he ever needed to
create another vampire. That possibility seemed very unlikely, which made me
feel better about lying.
“I want you to think—to tell me everything you remember,” Carlisle pressed
excitedly, and I couldn’t help the grimace that flashed across my face. I didn’t
want to have to keep lying, because I might slip up. And I didn’t want to think
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about the burning. Unlike the human memories, that part was perfectly clear and
I found I could remember it with far too much precision.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Bella,” Carlisle apologized immediately. “Of course your thirst
must be very uncomfortable. This conversation can wait.”
Until he’d mentioned it, the thirst actually wasn’t unmanageable. There was so
much room in my head. A separate part of my brain was keeping tabs on the burn
in my throat, almost like a reflex. The way my old brain had handled breathing
and blinking.
But Carlisle’s assumption brought the burn to the forefront of my mind.
Suddenly, the dry ache was all I could think about, and the more I thought about
it, the more it hurt. My hand flew up to cup my throat, like I could smother the
flames from the outside. The skin of my neck was strange beneath my fingers. So
smooth it was somehow soft, though it was hard as stone, too.
Edward dropped his arms and took my other hand, tugging gently. “Let’s hunt,
Bella.”
My eyes opened wider and the pain of the thirst receded, shock taking its place.
Me? Hunt? With Edward? But… how? I didn’t know what to do.
He read the alarm in my expression and smiled encouragingly. “It’s quite easy,
love. Instinctual. Don’t worry, I’ll show you.” When I didn’t move, he grinned his
crooked smile and raised his eyebrows. “I was under the impression that you’d
always wanted to see me hunt.”
I laughed in a short burst of humor (part of me listened in wonder to the pealing
bell sound) as his words reminded me of cloudy human conversations. And then I
took a whole second to run quickly through those first days with Edward—the
true beginning of my life—in my head so that I would never forget them. I did not
expect that it would be so uncomfortable to remember. Like trying to squint
through muddy water. I knew from Rosalie’s experience that if I thought of my
human memories enough, I would not lose them over time. I did not want to
forget one minute I’d spent with Edward, even now, when eternity stretched in
front of us. I would have to make sure those human memories were cemented
into my infallible vampire mind.
“Shall we?” Edward asked. He reached up to take the hand that was still at my
neck. His fingers smoothed down the column of my throat. “I don’t want you to
be hurting,” he added in a low murmur. Something I would not have been able to
hear before.
“I’m fine,” I said out of lingering human habit. “Wait. First.”
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There was so much. I’d never gotten to my questions. There were more important
things than the ache.
It was Carlisle who spoke now. “Yes?”
“I want to see her. Renesmee.”
It was oddly difficult to say her name. My daughter; these words were even
harder to think. It all seemed so distant. I tried to remember how I had felt three
days ago, and automatically, my hands pulled free of Edward’s and dropped to
my stomach.
Flat. Empty. I clutched at the pale silk that covered my skin, panicking again,
while an insignificant part of my mind noted that Alice must have dressed me.
I knew there was nothing left inside me, and I faintly remembered the bloody
removal scene, but the physical proof was still hard to process. All I knew was
loving my little nudger inside of me. Outside of me, she seemed like something I
must have imagined. A fading dream—a dream that was half nightmare.
While I wrestled with my confusion, I saw Edward and Carlisle exchange a
guarded glance.
“What?” I demanded.
“Bella,” Edward said soothingly. “That’s not really a good idea. She’s half human,
love. Her heart beats, and blood runs in her veins. Until your thirst is positively
under control… You don’t want to put her in danger, do you?”
I frowned. Of course I must not want that.
Was I out of control? Confused, yes. Easily unfocused, yes. But dangerous? To
her? My daughter?
I couldn’t be positive that the answer was no. So I would have to be patient. That
sounded difficult. Because until I saw her again, she wouldn’t be real. Just a
fading dream… of a stranger…
“Where is she?” I listened hard, and then I could hear the beating heart on the
floor below me. I could hear more than one person breathing—quietly, like they
were listening, too. There was also a fluttering sound, a thrumming, that I
couldn’t place. . . .
And the sound of the heartbeat was so moist and appealing, that my mouth
started watering.
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So I would definitely have to learn how to hunt before I saw her. My stranger
baby.
“Is Rosalie with her?”
“Yes,” Edward answered in a clipped tone, and I could see that something he’d
thought of upset him. I’d thought he and Rose were over their differences. Had
the animosity erupted again? Before I could ask, he pulled my hands away from
my flat stomach, tugging gently again.
“Wait,” I protested again, trying to focus. “What about Jacob? And Charlie? Tell
me everything that I missed. How long was I… unconscious?”
Edward didn’t seem to notice my hesitation over the last word. Instead, he was
exchanging another wary glance with Carlisle.
“What’s wrong?” I whispered.
“Nothing is wrong,” Carlisle told me, emphasizing the last word in a strange way.
“Nothing has changed much, actually—you were only unaware for just over two
days. It was very fast, as these things go. Edward did an excellent job. Quite
innovative—the venom injection straight to your heart was his idea.” He paused
to smile proudly at his son and then sighed. “Jacob is still here, and Charlie still
believes that you are sick. He thinks you’re in Atlanta right now, undergoing tests
at the CDC. We gave him a bad number, and he’s frustrated. He’s been speaking
to Esme.”
“I should call him…,” I murmured to myself, but, listening to my own voice, I
understood the new difficulties. He wouldn’t recognize this voice. It wouldn’t
reassure him. And then the earlier surprise intruded. “Hold on—Jacob is still
here?”
Another glance between them.
“Bella,” Edward said quickly. “There’s much to discuss, but we should take care of
you first. You have to be in pain. . . .”
When he pointed that out, I remembered the burn in my throat and swallowed
convulsively. “But Jacob—”
“We have all the time in the world for explanations, love,” he reminded me
gently.
Of course. I could wait a little longer for the answer; it would be easier to listen
when the fierce pain of the fiery thirst was no longer scattering my concentration.
“Okay.”
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“Wait, wait, wait,” Alice trilled from the doorway. She danced across the room,
dreamily graceful. As with Edward and Carlisle, I felt some shock as I really
looked at her face for the first time. So lovely. “You promised I could be there the
first time! What if you two run past something reflective?”
“Alice—,” Edward protested.
“It will only take a second!” And with that, Alice darted from the room.
Edward sighed.
“What is she talking about?”
But Alice was already back, carrying the huge, gilt-framed mirror from Rosalie’s
room, which was nearly twice as tall as she was, and several times as wide.
Jasper had been so still and silent that I’d taken no notice of him since he’d
followed behind Carlisle. Now he moved again, to hover over Alice, his eyes
locked on my expression. Because I was the danger here.
I knew he would be tasting the mood around me, too, and so he must have felt my
jolt of shock as I studied his face, looking at it closely for the first time.
Through my sightless human eyes, the scars left from his former life with the
newborn armies in the South had been mostly invisible. Only with a bright light
to throw their slightly raised shapes into definition could I even make out their
existence.
Now that I could see, the scars were Jasper’s most dominant feature. It was hard
to take my eyes off his ravaged neck and jaw—hard to believe that even a vampire
could have survived so many sets of teeth ripping into his throat.
Instinctively, I tensed to defend myself. Any vampire who saw Jasper would have
had the same reaction. The scars were like a lighted billboard. Dangerous, they
screamed. How many vampires had tried to kill Jasper? Hundreds?
Thousands? The same number that had died in the attempt.
Jasper both saw and felt my assessment, my caution, and he smiled wryly.
“Edward gave me grief for not getting you to a mirror before the wedding,” Alice
said, pulling my attention away from her frightening lover. “I’m not going to be
chewed out again.”
“Chewed out?” Edward asked skeptically, one eyebrow curving upward.
“Maybe I’m overstating things,” she murmured absently as she turned the mirror
to face me.
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“And maybe this has solely to do with your own voyeuristic gratification,” he
countered.
Alice winked at him.
I was only aware of this exchange with the lesser part of my concentration. The
greater part was riveted on the person in the mirror.
My first reaction was an unthinking pleasure. The alien creature in the glass was
indisputably beautiful, every bit as beautiful as Alice or Esme. She was fluid even
in stillness, and her flawless face was pale as the moon against the frame of her
dark, heavy hair. Her limbs were smooth and strong, skin glistening subtly,
luminous as a pearl.
My second reaction was horror.
Who was she? At first glance, I couldn’t find my face anywhere in the smooth,
perfect planes of her features.
And her eyes! Though I’d known to expect them, her eyes still sent a thrill of
terror through me.
All the while I studied and reacted, her face was perfectly composed, a carving of
a goddess, showing nothing of the turmoil roiling inside me. And then her full
lips moved.
“The eyes?” I whispered, unwilling to say my eyes. “How long?
“They’ll darken up in a few months,” Edward said in a soft, comforting voice.
“Animal blood dilutes the color more quickly than a diet of human blood. They’ll
turn amber first, then gold.”
My eyes would blaze like vicious red flames for months?
“Months?” My voice was higher now, stressed. In the mirror, the perfect
eyebrows lifted incredulously above her glowing crimson eyes—brighter than any
I’d ever seen before.
Jasper took a step forward, alarmed by the intensity of my sudden anxiety. He
knew young vampires only too well; did this emotion presage some misstep on
my part?
No one answered my question. I looked away, to Edward and Alice. Both their
eyes were slightly unfocused—reacting to Jasper’s unease. Listening to its cause,
looking ahead to the immediate future.
I took another deep, unnecessary breath.